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Forget "How's school going?" Try these questions instead to get shy teens talking.

If talking to your young relatives feels like pulling teeth, here are some questions that can help them open up.

Photo credit: Canva

Teens might seem uncomfortable at first, but you can help make them feel at ease.

Have you ever seen someone who seems to have a knack for talking with teens and wondered what their secret was? Sometimes it seems like getting young people to offer anything other than monosyllabic answers to questions is like pulling teeth. Maybe they're shy or self-conscious, or maybe the questions adults tend to ask aren't very effective at getting them to open up, but when you're gathering with family for the holidays and want to spend time getting to know your teenage relatives, it can be tough when the conversation feels awkward or forced.

Shyness is real and self-consciousness often comes with adolescence, so there's not a whole lot we can do about those things, but there are ways to engage young people that are more likely to result in a real conversation. When our "How's school going?" gets a "fine" or a "good," we know we need some better questions, but it's not always easy to think of those on the spot.

That's where some helpful guidance from Raising Teens Today comes in super handy.

woman talking with a teenMost teens actually like to talk if you ask the right questions.Photo credit: Canva

"Let me clue you in on a little secret... teenagers LOVE to talk," writes Nancy Reynolds, the mom behind the Raising Teens Today website. "Sounds crazy, right? I promise, you can get the quietest teen on the planet chatting simply by asking them questions that make them feel comfortable and want to share their world with you."

First, she offers some points to keep in mind as you chat with teens specifically:

- Steer clear of subjects that can put them on the defensive or make them feel awkward or inferior, including their grades, changing bodies, or whether they have a boyfriend or girlfriend, for instance.

- Keep it light. Don't get into heavy subjects. Teens have a lot on their shoulders already. Laugh a little. Have fun.

- Ask questions that will get them talking. Ask about their friends, things they love doing, books or sports or hobbies they love, their passions or dreams.

- Don't ask "loaded" questions such as, "You ARE going to college, right?'" Or, "Do you EVER look up from your phone?" Nothing will make a teenager clam up faster.

- Teenagers are young adults. Treat them as such. Show respect.

- Just be authentic. Teens can spot a fake from afar. If you're genuinely interested in their life and they sense you truly care, they'll open their heart... and when they do, it's such a gift.

The mom of three teens also gave some suggestions for what to ask in place of the standard questions we tend to use. An "ask this, not that" of talking to young people.

These questions go beyond the standard ones adults often ask or provide a twist on the classics that put young people at ease:

"What's the most interesting thing you've learned this year?"

"What do you enjoy doing with your friends?"

"It won't be long before you graduate. I'm so anxious to hear your plans!"

"I'd love to hear what you've been up to if you feel like chatting."

"What's your favorite thing to do when you're not in school?"

"What's the coolest thing you've seen online recently?"

"What's the one thing you're most looking forward to next year?"

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Don't bombard them—it's not an interrogation–but try out a couple and see how they go. It's important to note that some kids might be flummoxed by questions that require them to choose "the one" or "the most" or "favorite," so you can always alter those kinds of questions to be more open-ended, like this:

"What's something you like to do when you're not in school?"

"What classes are you finding interesting or challenging?"

"Have you read or seen anything you really enjoyed lately?"

"What are you looking forward to after the holidays?"

You can also think about meeting kids and teens where they are by being curious about the reality of their lives—but in a way that isn't overly intrusive or judgmental. For instance, instead of only asking what their favorite subject is in school, ask what their least favorite subject is as well. That will almost surely get them talking. Instead of scoffing about them being on their phones, ask them what social media sites they like the most and why they prefer them to others. You can also ask them their opinions about things like whether they prefer reading paper or digital books, whether they prefer lectures or small group discussions, whether they feel like they learn better from listening, watching or doing. Questions like these don't make them feel like they're being quizzed or tested, because there aren't any right or wrong or even preferable answers.

If you do ask about a "favorite," make it something that they can easily choose a favorite from and something that can lead to further conversation. For instance, "Do you have a favorite teacher?" followed up by "What do you like about them and their class?" That can lead to a nice back and forth about what makes a teacher effective, what makes a class interesting or boring, and what your own experiences with good or bad teachers has been.

Another way to engage teens at your family gatherings is to ask them to help with something in the kitchen. Giving them something helpful to do takes the social spotlight off of them and creates more opportunity for small connections, making more meaningful conversations feel like the natural next step.

teens helping bake in the kitchenGetting them in the kitchen can help with conversations.Photo credit: Canva

People are appreciating the tips offered, as connecting with young people can be a challenge for many adults.

"Where were these questions when I was younger?? How different would the conversation been?"

"🫶🏽 It’s all in the wording! Connections are so important."

"I love this!!! It can be a lot of work getting your teen to go to an adult gathering. It’s never helpful when they get there and end up feeling either judged or completely ignored. It only isolates them further when what they need more than anything is connection with adults."

"Thank you for this. My father will ask my 14 year old what she wants to do for college and I can see the anxiety build up in her. How about what do you like to do in your spare time? What are you proud of? What are you interested in?"

"I’m a grandparent and this is just what I was looking for to open a positive interaction during family events. Thanks again!! 🙌"

It's definitely worth trying some of these out over the holidays.

You can follow Raising Teens Today on Facebook, Instagram and raisingteenstoday.com.

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What do at-risk teens do with $1,000? Turns out they help each other.

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When Heather Campbell-Lieberman first applied to teach at Lakota East High School in Ohio, she had one request:

She needed the school to let her students give away a thousand dollars.

In her previous teaching position, Campbell-Lieberman had incorporated the values of Magnified Giving into her curriculum. The Ohio-based organization inspires and engages students around philanthropy by offering them a $1,000 grant to give away to the charity of their choice.Alumni of the program have even gone on to work in the Ohio State House.

But each school only gets one grant per year, which means the students have to work together to decide the best way to spend it. That's where the education part comes in.

[rebelmouse-image 19528205 dam="1" original_size="1200x581" caption="Butler County, Ohio, where Lakota East High School is located. Photo by S&Mj Adventures." expand=1]Butler County, Ohio, where Lakota East High School is located. Photo by S&Mj Adventures.

The celebrated stories of student philanthropy typically come from private schools and honor roll programs. But the students at Lakota East don't fit into those categories.

Cambell-Lieberman was hired to teach a course called English & Connections, which she describes as akind of applied hybrid of life skills and writing, reading, and storytelling that caters to at-risk students — those who come from low-income or undersupported families or who struggle with disabilities or other marginalized identities. (Other Magnified Giving programs have engaged students with autism as well.)

"Many of the population in my classes are students who are typically served by nonprofits, so it's a whole different mindset for them to get in a place to be on the giving end," she explains. "You get to kind of turn it around and say 'You have something to give,' whether that's your time, your talent, or your treasure."

Photo by Heather Campbell-Lieberman.

Magnified Giving allows Campbell-Lieberman's students to apply lessons from English and life skills in one project.

Each student in Campbell-Lieberman's three class sections spends four months working on a research paper about a charity of their choice. Then they pitch their case in a class presentation. In order to succeed, students need to explore things like overhead costs, operating budgets, volunteer arrangements, and more: Where is this money going, and what's it being used for?

Students vote on the best presentation in each class, and representatives from the three winning organizationsare then invited to an assembly to speak directly to the students and explain why, exactly, their charity deserves the funds.

"Whether or not their agency is selected by the classes, the students are informing their peers about the power and impact of that agency. So they take a lot away from that opportunity," Campbell-Lieberman says."It's something personal they can research and ultimately have an impact on."

A student activity involving empathy for people with disabilities. Photo by Heather Campbell-Lieberman.

The most remarkable part? The students almost always end up picking projects that have directly helped their fellow students.

A lot of Campbell-Lieberman's students spend their time at the local teen community center, and technically, they could put that thousand dollars toward a renovated basketball court or a cutting-edge computer lab for everyone to enjoy — you know, something fun and enjoyable and still technically nonprofit.

But that's not what happens, Campbell-Lieberman says. "Almost always, the students have ultimately selected a charity that one of the students has benefitted from."

She lists a cascade of examples: a student who pitched a homeless shelter at the local Ronald McDonald House, without telling the class they had lived there themselves; cancer charities that bonded the class through shared tragedy; mental health care initiatives; and this past year, a nearby support center for victims of domestic violence.

Campbell-Lieberman goes on to explain that, "The at-risk population sometimes has more experience with these things, and so it's a highly personal connection for them, and a huge shift to be able to give back to agencies that have impacted their lives in a significant way."

Photo by Heather Campbell-Lieberman.

The takeaway is clear: Teens really do care about their communities. They just need a chance to make an impact.

That's why, after eight years of success with Magnified Giving, Campbell-Lieberman is stepping out of the classroom and into the role of a teaching coach, helping other educators launch these kinds of interdisciplinary philanthropy curriculums in their own schools and communities.

"I think the real issue in creating new philanthropists is for people to understand that everyone can contribute to the betterment of their community and their society, and you don't have to be wealthy and you don't have to have money in your pocket to make that happen," she says.

"The more we can do that and connect with kids who would not volunteer for the philanthropy club, would not be in national honor society, the more difference we can make."

Interested in Magnified Giving? Learn more (or consider making a donation).

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A South L.A. school is paving the way for more green spaces in underserved communities.

This L.A. school garden isn't just growing fresh fruits and veggies — they're also growing the leaders of tomorrow.

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Dignity Health 2017

In South Los Angeles, there is a 1.5-acre lot filled with bountiful garden beds growing everything from collard greens to kumquats.

On a crisp day in sunny L.A., students from all walks of life are tending to the fresh fruits and colorful veggies. Some are watering newly planted seedlings, while others are gathering jalapeños and kale for the freshest taco ever.

All images via GAP, used with permission.

This lot, called the Fremont Wellness Center and Community Garden, is located at the John C. Fremont High School campus, and it also has a small park, a community health clinic, and a soon-to-be-finished 1,500-square-foot greenhouse.

"It’s a big thriving community" says Megan Laird, the garden and youth program manager. And with so many opportunities all in one space, it's easy to see why.

One reason this green space is flourishing is because of the Gardening Apprenticeship Program, or GAP for short.

"It’s a program where high school youth from the John C. Fremont High School campus can come and participate in a course that trains [them] to become leaders in health, urban agriculture, and civic engagement," says Laird.

Through a 10-week program in the spring and the fall, the students learn about local and industrial food systems, how food justice affects communities, and how they can turn this knowledge into action within the larger community. And, of course, they learn basic gardening skills and environmental science.

"By the end of the 10 weeks, we feel confident that the youth are familiar with not just how the fruits and vegetables are grown on the site, but what they can do with them moving forward," adds Laird.

The project was started by the Los Angeles Neighborhood Land Trust (LANLT), a nonprofit with a mission to promote safer and stronger communities by creating more urban parks and community gardens — something severely lacking in L.A.'s underserved neighborhoods.

The best part? The students are applying the lessons in their own lives.

"The biggest lesson that I have learned during my time in this program has been becoming a leader," writes Elizabeth Castro, a GAP student staff leader, in an email. "I am not as shy as I was before and it has helped me prioritize my education and future."

Other students say that being in the garden has helped them get through tough times in their lives, allowing them to open up about their battles with stress and depression. Some have also spearheaded efforts to partner with the environmental club on campus to collect food scraps for composting and waste reduction. No matter the hurdle, they overcome it as a unit.

"What I love most about working in the garden is that I can work with friends and know that the work we do can be shared with the community," writes Kevin Nagrete, a GAP apprentice leader, in an email.

More than just having loads of fun, the students are also helping expand the program.

GAP regularly invites professional chefs to demo how to use the produce in the garden to make healthy delicious dishes at home. In fact, GAP has seen so much success with their nutrition programs that they're now also partnering with the UC Cooperative Extension to create a new culinary after-school course.

These developments are particularly important given that it can be difficult to access fresh foods in certain areas of L.A. In South L.A., 72% of the restaurants are fast-food establishments. Plus, 90% of the food retailers are small stores that often don't provide healthy alternatives. And if they do, they usually lack the quality and freshness that you'd find in more affluent neighborhoods.

Thankfully, GAP's seed of change is well on its way to growing more green spaces (and even more leaders).

A 2006 UCLA study found that Los Angeles was well behind other major west coast cities in terms of park space. Even worse, a 2016 report done by the LANLT found that less than 30% of the total L.A. population — the majority of which are from low-income communities — have access to parks in their area.

That's why a group of GAP leaders are branching out and becoming involved in a separate program by the LANLT — the Park Equity Leadership Academy. Through this program, the students join other L.A. communities in advocating for more green spaces all around the city.

It's the next big step in their growth as leaders and one that'll pave the way for a brighter and greener future.

If you want to help out their cause, you can do so right here and follow all their progress on Instagram.

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A mentor who dealt with drug abuse is using filmmaking to help teens on the same path.

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Dignity Health 2017

Carl Lakari's teen years were consumed by drugs and alcohol.

Stuck in a rut and unable to engage with the world around him, Lakari had no creative outlets, no guidance, and no idea what to do. "What I didn’t get in high school was the support of caring adults and peers to help me find what my passion and gift is in the world," he remembers. He felt helpless and alone, so he turned to drugs and alcohol in search of solace.

Many young people all across the United States battle these same feelings and problems, so Lakari — now in long-term recovery — decided to help them.

He started Project Aware, a youth empowerment program that allows young people to express the tough issues they're dealing with through filmmaking.

Lakari (left) coordinates a production meeting with 2016 Summer Film Institute students. All images via Project Aware, used with permission.

The Maine-based program started in 2003 with cofounder Katey Branch. "We really wanted youth to have a choice or opportunity that I felt like I didn’t at that age," says Lakari.

The students cover a wide spectrum of themes in the films they work on — from bullying to self-harm to underage drinking to suicide. The projects are collaborative, and each student takes on the role they're drawn to the most. Some want to act, some want to direct, and some just want to be extras. But no matter what role they choose, they're all able to tackle important issues they care about in a creative and impactful way.

On set with the student crew and cast in Saco, Maine.

"Adolescents have an immense amount of energy and creativity they need to express," writes cofounder Branch. "It is a part of evolution for teenagers to push the edges. That is where innovation and new ideas emerge. When youth are given healthy channels and support, amazing things happen. When they are left out of healthy opportunities, that energy can get lost in sad, often tragic directions."

Cast members Tyler King and Emily Tierney in the film "April's Heart."

Project Aware is fostering a new generation of artists focused on telling powerful stories and creating meaningful change.

To date, the project has produced 12 short films and more than 20 public service announcements and has garnered hundreds of thousands of online views. By providing a healthy channel for creative expression, Project Aware is reimagining how young people can make their voices heard and inspire others to take action.

Students filming a documentary on racism at the University of New England over the summer.

"A lot of these young people don’t have a voice now," Lakari says. "Many of them may be struggling, labeled in some way. And this is sometimes their very first opportunity to get engaged and involved in leading and having a voice about a particular issue they’re concerned about. They get really excited about that."

The best part? They're sending an important message to other young people: You are not alone.

If all goes according to plan, Lakari hopes to see programs like his all across the country. "A program like Project Aware offers young people the opportunity to get connected with other young people that often share their story or part of their story," he says.

The cast and crew of "Reaching Out," a suicide prevention film to be released in 2017.

Faith-Ann Bishop, a 20-year-old film student in Los Angeles who wrote/cowrote four movies for Project Aware and was featured on the cover of Time magazine, sums it up beautifully in an email.

"It is our job to use our voices to help others find shelter in their thoughts," she writes. "Just one speech, one moment with someone can educate them, and reduce the stigma about mental disorders, suicide, drug use, or unhealthy relationships."

Hannah King in a scene from "A Better Place," which was written and directed by Faith-Ann Bishop.

"Trust yourself and your ability," she continues. "Never let others tell you your art or ideas are not worthy. Your voice is so beautifully unique and it will free you to use it."

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