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My Gen Z kids say periods in my texts are 'aggressive.' I'm not stopping anytime soon.

I was texting before they were even born, why should they get to make the rules?

Photo credit: Canva, Screenshot via Annie Reneau

If you want to freak out a Gen Zer, put a period at the end of a text message.

"Hi." ... "Omg, are you mad at me?"

As a Gen X mom of three Gen Z kids in their teens and 20s, there's a lot that I'm willing to concede and even celebrate when it comes to the gap between our generations. I love Gen Z's global consciousness, their openness about mental health, their focus on inclusivity, and their insistence on wearing comfortable shoes with formal wear. But there's one Gen Z feature that I simply cannot abide, and that is the weaponization of basic punctuation.

"It freaks me out when you say 'yes period' in a text," my high schooler told me one day. "It feels so aggressive, like I feel like I'm in trouble or something." I stared at him incredulously as his 20-year-old sister laughed but then agreed with him. "It does! The period makes it feel like you're mad," she said.

texting conversation, periods in texts Misunderstandings happen when people start changing what punctuation means.Screenshot via Annie Reneau

Ah yes, the period, the most benign punctuation mark of them all, is "aggressive." Far from being a mere generational quirk, this misinterpreting of normal punctuation in text messages as aggressive or angry could result in serious communication breakdowns. Talking by text is already hard enough, and now we're adding a layer of meaning that older folks don't have a clue about?

The kids are serious about this, though. According to Gen Zers, pretty much any time someone puts a period at the end of a text, it means they're mad or irritated, as if the period is being emphasized.

period, punctuation, texting, text punctuation Unless you literally say, "period," a period doesn't mean anything but the end of a thought. Giphy GIF by Sony Pictures Television

At the risk of sounding like a dinosaur, I'd like to point out that reading into periods in texts like this is just silly. It seems silly when the young folks do it with each other, but it's extra silly when they do it with adults who didn't grow up with texting and have ingrained grammatical habits that aren't easy to shake. (And frankly, some of us don't want to shake—I'm a former English teacher, for crying out loud. Might as well ask me to start misspelling words on purpose.)

In no reasonable world can "Yes." be automatically viewed as aggressive. It's just not. Neither is "Time to get off the computer." Neither is "Got it." Or "OK." or "Sure." I understand that texting conventions have evolved such that end punctuation isn't viewed as necessary, but when did we start assigning negative intentions to very basic punctuation? A period should not be read as anything more than a matter-of-fact, neutral-toned statement, since we have other tools for conveying tone in writing—capital letters, italics, bold, exclamation points. I mean, if I wanted to be aggressive, I'd text, "HEY—it's time to GET OFF the COMPUTER!" We also have a slew of emojis to convey tone. A period is and has always been neutral. That's literally the entire point of a period.

I'm even willing to give Gen Z an inch on the thumbs-up emoji—they think that's aggressive, too—only because emojis are new and their meanings are up for interpretation. But a period? Not budging. That little dot has been signaling the end of people's thoughts for centuries. Periods can and do sometimes affect tone in subtle ways—"No, I didn't," hits slightly differently than "No. I didn't."—but their basic inclusion at the end of a thought in no way signals aggression or anger, by text or otherwise. Not on Gen X's watch, at least. This is one generational hill I am willing to die on.

mic drop, making a point This Gen Xer will not be swayed. Giphy Parks And Recreation Mic Drop GIF

These unwritten rules of texting seem to have been concocted by Gen Z, but when? And how? Who decides these things? Is there a group of super powerful and influential young adults who put out a bat signal at some point saying that periods are symbols of aggression? If the young folks want to play the reading-into-basic-punctuation game amongst themselves, making communication much more complicated for themselves, have at it. But please don't ascribe intent to us old fogies who've had "declarative statements end in periods" ingrained in us since elementary school.

Texting wasn't always like this. When texting first became a thing, using periods in them was pretty normal. As more and more people started dropping them (and capitalization—another deep English teacher wound), I held firm to their usage, mostly out of habit and feeling like my texts were incomplete without them. As my kids got old enough to text and informed me that periods are viewed by their age group as aggressive, I reconsidered. Should I stop using them, giving in to the tyranny of Gen Z's overthinking? Should I keep using them, embracing the fact that I'm old and set in my ways?

texting, text punctuation, aggressive punctuation, periods in texts Periods are just periods.Photo credit: Canva

Ultimately, I landed on sometimes using periods in texts and sometimes not—a compromise between my own rigid grammar rules and Gen Z's seemingly senseless texting rules. Except only using periods sometimes just confuses my kids even more, which is hilarious. Is Mom mad? Is she not? My daughter said she just has to remind herself who is texting, knowing that I—and most of my generation—simply don't use periods aggressively.

Seriously, it's not happening. Not now. Not ever. Period.

This article originally appeared in February. It has been updated.

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Woman's math on when someone should be considered an adult makes a lot of sense

"Pretending that 18 year olds are adults is the biggest disservice to all of us collectively."

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Woman argues that you're not an adult until 36. It makes sense.

In America, 18 is the magic number that makes you an official adult. Seventeen year olds go to bed as a teenager still in need of adequate supervision and guidance only to wake up eight hours later a full blown adult ready to make all of their decisions unassisted. Of course this isn't developmentally true, most 18 year olds are still in high school and need just as much guidance as they did the day prior to this magical change. But this developmental reality isn't always respected by the law, some parents, or other adults.

The teens themselves consider themselves adults since that's the age everyone tells them means adulthood and most don't have the life experience to know any different. TikTok user Sam Kochman recently explained why she doesn't believe 18 year olds should be considered adults, and she makes some really valid points. The woman advocates for raising the age of what is considered "grown up" to 36, and while that might sound ridiculous, people agree with her reasoning.

"Pretending that eighteen year olds are adults is like the biggest disservice to all of us collectively, because 18 is zero," the woman argues.

gif of Andy Samberg saying "I'm an adult" in an SNL skit.Saturday Night Live Snl GIF by SeesoGiphy

The logic being that when you turn 18, you've had 18 years of childhood with zero years of adulthood so at 19 you're a one year old adult. According to Kochman, she wouldn't even start counting adult years until 22, likely due to the legal age to consume alcohol being 21. But for the sake of the national "congratulations you're an adult age," she starts with 18 as year zero of adulthood.

Whether you start adult years at 18 or 22, developmentally, a person's prefrontal cortex doesn't stop developing until they're between 25 to 26 years old. This means their decision making will likely be much more impulsive, less informed, and they'll take more risks, have difficulty planning, stronger emotional responses, and act without fully considering the consequences.

Kochman says, "At 36, then you're 18. Then...then you're what we all pretend you are at 18. Then you're an 18 year old adult. Do you know what I'm saying?"

gif of an older woman saying, "Welcome to being an adult. It sucks." Sucks Annie Potts GIF by CBSGiphy

People overwhelmingly agree with that logic, with one person writing, "This is such a good take. I’m 36 and I finally feel like a fully formed adult. YOU ARE SO RIGHT. My head is exploding rn."

One person says, "Being 25 you realize how young college kids are."

"6 months after I turned 18 I lost a (very toxic) friend who got mad at me for making a mistake because 'I'm a fully grown adult and I should know better' bro I was in high school 2 weeks ago what," someone shares.

Another person explains, "Literally!!! All we’ve known is school and then they just act like you’re ready for life and to be on your own cause you’re 18?!?!"

@samkochman

36 is 18. 36 is start of adult.

"This makes perfect sense. I had my daughter when I was biologically 19 and thought I was grown. Now she’s biologically 19 but she’s actually a baby - I couldn’t imagine her having a baby," one mom exclaims.

Someone else suggests, "18-25 should be called periadulthood like the phase pre-adulthood."

Of course, there were a few people who disagree with the take. But, of the ones who disagreed, there seemed to be a misunderstanding that doing adult things constituted adulthood. The commenters that agree, which is an overwhelming majority, are focused on brain development and the general feeling of being an adult without having to defer to others. The general consensus seems to be that treating an 18 year old like someone in their 30s isn't helpful and more grace should be extended to those just entering adulthood. What do you think? Should 18 year old teenagers be expected to be just as adult as someone much older?

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Forget "How's school going?" Try these questions instead to get shy teens talking.

If talking to your young relatives feels like pulling teeth, here are some questions that can help them open up.

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Teens might seem uncomfortable at first, but you can help make them feel at ease.

Have you ever seen someone who seems to have a knack for talking with teens and wondered what their secret was? Sometimes it seems like getting young people to offer anything other than monosyllabic answers to questions is like pulling teeth. Maybe they're shy or self-conscious, or maybe the questions adults tend to ask aren't very effective at getting them to open up, but when you're gathering with family for the holidays and want to spend time getting to know your teenage relatives, it can be tough when the conversation feels awkward or forced.

Shyness is real and self-consciousness often comes with adolescence, so there's not a whole lot we can do about those things, but there are ways to engage young people that are more likely to result in a real conversation. When our "How's school going?" gets a "fine" or a "good," we know we need some better questions, but it's not always easy to think of those on the spot.

That's where some helpful guidance from Raising Teens Today comes in super handy.

woman talking with a teenMost teens actually like to talk if you ask the right questions.Photo credit: Canva

"Let me clue you in on a little secret... teenagers LOVE to talk," writes Nancy Reynolds, the mom behind the Raising Teens Today website. "Sounds crazy, right? I promise, you can get the quietest teen on the planet chatting simply by asking them questions that make them feel comfortable and want to share their world with you."

First, she offers some points to keep in mind as you chat with teens specifically:

- Steer clear of subjects that can put them on the defensive or make them feel awkward or inferior, including their grades, changing bodies, or whether they have a boyfriend or girlfriend, for instance.

- Keep it light. Don't get into heavy subjects. Teens have a lot on their shoulders already. Laugh a little. Have fun.

- Ask questions that will get them talking. Ask about their friends, things they love doing, books or sports or hobbies they love, their passions or dreams.

- Don't ask "loaded" questions such as, "You ARE going to college, right?'" Or, "Do you EVER look up from your phone?" Nothing will make a teenager clam up faster.

- Teenagers are young adults. Treat them as such. Show respect.

- Just be authentic. Teens can spot a fake from afar. If you're genuinely interested in their life and they sense you truly care, they'll open their heart... and when they do, it's such a gift.

The mom of three teens also gave some suggestions for what to ask in place of the standard questions we tend to use. An "ask this, not that" of talking to young people.

These questions go beyond the standard ones adults often ask or provide a twist on the classics that put young people at ease:

"What's the most interesting thing you've learned this year?"

"What do you enjoy doing with your friends?"

"It won't be long before you graduate. I'm so anxious to hear your plans!"

"I'd love to hear what you've been up to if you feel like chatting."

"What's your favorite thing to do when you're not in school?"

"What's the coolest thing you've seen online recently?"

"What's the one thing you're most looking forward to next year?"

i.giphy.com

Don't bombard them—it's not an interrogation–but try out a couple and see how they go. It's important to note that some kids might be flummoxed by questions that require them to choose "the one" or "the most" or "favorite," so you can always alter those kinds of questions to be more open-ended, like this:

"What's something you like to do when you're not in school?"

"What classes are you finding interesting or challenging?"

"Have you read or seen anything you really enjoyed lately?"

"What are you looking forward to after the holidays?"

You can also think about meeting kids and teens where they are by being curious about the reality of their lives—but in a way that isn't overly intrusive or judgmental. For instance, instead of only asking what their favorite subject is in school, ask what their least favorite subject is as well. That will almost surely get them talking. Instead of scoffing about them being on their phones, ask them what social media sites they like the most and why they prefer them to others. You can also ask them their opinions about things like whether they prefer reading paper or digital books, whether they prefer lectures or small group discussions, whether they feel like they learn better from listening, watching or doing. Questions like these don't make them feel like they're being quizzed or tested, because there aren't any right or wrong or even preferable answers.

If you do ask about a "favorite," make it something that they can easily choose a favorite from and something that can lead to further conversation. For instance, "Do you have a favorite teacher?" followed up by "What do you like about them and their class?" That can lead to a nice back and forth about what makes a teacher effective, what makes a class interesting or boring, and what your own experiences with good or bad teachers has been.

Another way to engage teens at your family gatherings is to ask them to help with something in the kitchen. Giving them something helpful to do takes the social spotlight off of them and creates more opportunity for small connections, making more meaningful conversations feel like the natural next step.

teens helping bake in the kitchenGetting them in the kitchen can help with conversations.Photo credit: Canva

People are appreciating the tips offered, as connecting with young people can be a challenge for many adults.

"Where were these questions when I was younger?? How different would the conversation been?"

"🫶🏽 It’s all in the wording! Connections are so important."

"I love this!!! It can be a lot of work getting your teen to go to an adult gathering. It’s never helpful when they get there and end up feeling either judged or completely ignored. It only isolates them further when what they need more than anything is connection with adults."

"Thank you for this. My father will ask my 14 year old what she wants to do for college and I can see the anxiety build up in her. How about what do you like to do in your spare time? What are you proud of? What are you interested in?"

"I’m a grandparent and this is just what I was looking for to open a positive interaction during family events. Thanks again!! 🙌"

It's definitely worth trying some of these out over the holidays.

You can follow Raising Teens Today on Facebook, Instagram and raisingteenstoday.com.

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Ivy League researchers released a huge report on teen sex and it's a must-read for parents

The Harvard report has 3 major takeaways.

Photo by Long Truong on Unsplash
woman in white sleeveless dress kissing man in blue dress shirt


"It may be the most important thing we do in life; learn how to love and be loved."

At least, that's according to Harvard psychologist and researcher Rick Weissbourd.

He's been collecting data on the sex and love habits of young people for years through surveys, interviews, and even informal conversation — with teens and the important people in their lives.

Through it all, one thing has been abundantly clear:

"We spend enormous amount of attention helping parents prepare their kids for work and school," Weissbourd says. "We do almost nothing to prepare them for the tender, tough, subtle, generous, focused work of developing mature healthy relationships. I'm troubled by that."

He and his team have compiled five years of intense research that asks the question, "What do young people really think about sex and love?"

And maybe just as important: "How should we be preparing them?"

Here are three major takeaways from the groundbreaking 2017 report that remains incredibly relevant nearly a decade after it was first released:

1. Hookup culture might just be a big ol' myth.

Everybody's hooking up with everybody these days, right? Not so fast.

The Harvard report presents a startling statistic from a related study in 2008. A group of college students in the U.S. were asked what percentage of guys on campus they thought had sex on any given weekend. They guessed about 80%. The reality? As low as 5%.

Weissbourd notes that because hookups are so culturally visible (especially in college) and gossiped about, it creates a perception that they're a lot more common than they actually are.

The Harvard study itself found, in fact, that most young people are a lot more interested in sex within a committed relationship or, shockingly(!), things that don't involve sex at all.

What it means for parents: We as adults, unfortunately, play a big role in this pervasive and harmful myth. "In every era there've been complaints about how sexually out of control kids are," Weissbourd says. "It's a story adults really love to tell."

When we play up this stereotype, the study finds it can actually make young people less likely to seek advice or to talk about sex and relationships because they may feel inadequate or embarrassed about their lack of experience.

silver tabby cat lying on white textilePhoto by Laura Chouette on Unsplash

2. Sexual harassment and assault, however, remain huge, unaddressed problems.

"There are a significant number of young men out there who think that all they can't do is rape someone," Weissbourd says. "They can't drag someone in an alley to rape them."

What many of them have very little concept of, he says, is how harmful and dangerous behaviors like catcalling, pressuring, and coercion can be.

The study cites endless instances of girls being harassed at school, complaining to administration, staging walkouts; anything to get the problem addressed. But the "boys will be boys" attitude persists, and problems are often swept under the rug rather than tackled head-on.

A culture of sexual violence is harmful for obvious reasons, but the report also found these kinds of attitudes can bleed over into relationships that can "disproportionately involve females servicing males."

What it means for parents: Talk. to. your. kids. about. consent.

"I was really surprised how many parents had not had basic conversations with their kids about things like consent, or how to avoid sexually harassing a person," Weissbourd says.

We have to make it crystal clear to young people what kinds of behavior are and aren't acceptable, and follow up those lines with real consequences. It's the only way things are ever going to change.

3. Teens and young adults want more guidance than we're giving them.

Most parents aren't thrilled about having "the talk," and admittedly, bringing up the topic of sex with a teen is no easy task.

But with all this dread and hand-wringing over how to talk about the birds and the bees, the Harvard report notes that many parents are overlooking a much bigger topic: love and relationships.

Roughly 70% of surveyed young adults reported wishing they had received more or better guidance on the emotional aspects of relationships, both from parents or from health class. But it's not just a hindsight thing.

Many parents are overlooking a much bigger topic: love and relationships.

"The percentage of young people who want guidance on romantic relationships was encouraging," Weissbourd says. "Kids light up when they are talking about love and what love is and what does it mean. That was surprising and really encouraging."

What it means for parents: When you're done teaching your teenager how to put a condom on a banana, make sure to spend some time talking about the day-to-day work that goes into building a healthy relationship.

That means going beyond platitudes. The Harvard team suggests diving into more complex questions like, What's the difference between attraction, infatuation, and love? How can we be more attracted to people the less interested they are in us? Why can we be attracted to people who are unhealthy for us?

Those are questions some of us might not even have the answer to, but having the honest conversation with our kids is a major step in helping them learn how to love and be loved.

As Weissbourd says, it's one of the most important things we'll ever do.

The full report tackles even more and is jam-packed with must-know findings and statistics. It's definitely worth a read.


This article originally appeared on 05.18.17

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