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Moms get specific on how they successfully share 'family manager' duties with their spouses

Minimal partner resentment and a smoother running household? Yes, please.

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Moms share tips for how to better manage family household.

Being a mom means you are a multi-tasking manager of all things household: meals, practices, appointments, and more. It's an overwhelming role that requires good organization, time management, and cooperation between spouses to keep things running smoothly.

In a Reddit parenting thread, member u/Weekendengineerr got vulnerable about the overwhelming responsibility she feels when it comes to managing her family's schedule. She shared, "The 'invisible' work of family scheduling is making me resent my partner. How do you manage [your family's schedules]?"

Fellow moms heard her plea. To help spark some idea for success as a family manager, 14 mothers shared their best family management advice and tips.

 mom, moms, mother, super mom, mom life Mothers Day Snl GIF by Saturday Night Live  Giphy  

"We use a big calendar on the wall in the kitchen area. That way at meal time we can discuss upcoming events and the kids check it too." —u/royalic

"We do this too. Also, there is a firm rule that if it’s not on the calendar, it doesn’t exist. So if you forget to put your thing on the calendar before there’s a conflict, that is your problem to deal with, not anyone else’s. That likely means calling so and so and saying 'I forgot to put you on the calendar, I have to cancel, I am now standing next to my calendar…' if it is something that can be rescheduled rather than just missed." —u/dixpourcentmerci

 calendar, wall calendar, calendar, calendar gif, calendar on wall mia farrow calendar GIF  Giphy  

"Yes! We have a dry erase weekly calendar in the kitchen and each family member (there's only 3 of us) has a color so it's easy to see what the week looks like. Of course, I write out the calendar every Sunday so it's still on me more than my husband. But he does more than his fair share of cooking and cleaning so I don't mind being the scheduler as much." —u/on-purpose810

"I divided it. I told him from now on, you're responsible for everything regarding the kids' extracurriculars. Here's the contact info you're going to need, and this is the website. From now on, if anything is forgotten it's not my fault. Were there missteps? Yes. Did he forget stuff? Also yes. Did I relent? No. Did he eventually learn from his mistakes? Yes." —u/I-Really-Hate-Fish

"We leaned heavily into our phone calendar. We don’t use a shared google calendar but just invite each other to every appt added. It took awhile for us to get used to it but now everything from doctors appointments to potential play dates to friends flying into town to library trips are in there."—u/kitethrulife

 calendar, electronic calendar, email calendar, organized, time management GIF by The Hills  Giphy  

"I LOVE our skylight calendar so much that I sound like a paid Skylight influencer. It has made my life 100% less stressful because it's so much easier to keep up with the schedule now. We were using 2 white board calendars on the fridge, which was okay but not helpful for longer term planning or if I was anywhere else. The app is on everyone's phone, so even my 12 year old can add things to the schedule if he learns about an extra band practice at school or something. He can also check to see if he has anything happening after school. When my husband takes the kids to the doctor and has to schedule a follow up, he can look at the app on his phone and make sure there aren't conflicts (so I don't have to call back later and reschedule 😬) The physical calendar on the kitchen counter means that it's everyone's responsibility to know something is happening, not just mine. There's a routine/chore function that's been helpful this summer and less work than (me, of course) writing a schedule on a white board every day." —u/chellerator

"What really helped us was that my partner took the majority of parenting for a while. After a few months he came to me and said 'you know the google calendar, it’s really really useful.' I just didn’t do anything. He picked up the kids, took them to practice, had to communicate if something went wrong, etc." —u/DuoNem

"A few years into our marriage I sat my husband down and I listed ALL the tasks that require my attention on a daily, weekly and monthly basis. Then I told him he had to take on some of them and get them off my plate before I lose my sh*t. It took a few weeks before it caught on without the need to revisit the list but we are now 15 years into marriage and I have not had to schedule a doctors appointment for the kids in ages, I have never stepped foot in their dentist office cuz dad does that. I don’t make breakfast or pack lunches cuz dad does that and when I’m at the grocery store he is the person I call to see if we have to get more of something. We also tried The Fair Play Deck (based on the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky) as well which is a set of cards with tasks on it and each person chooses what tasks they will be responsible for. It was helpful to visually see the tasks piling up with each card." —u/Main_Push5429

  - YouTube  www.youtube.com  

"A few things:

  1. I have two big acrylic wall calendars like this in a super prominent part of the house. It covers this month and next month and everything goes on it, including regular activities, appointments, etc. I fill out all the regular stuff at the beginning of the month like practices etc. and then we add appointments as soon as they are made. I find two months really crucial because then you have some grace with the “we forgot to update it” memory lapses. https://circleandsquaredecor.com/products/frostedacrylicmonthly-thecraig-vertical0box-18-5x23
  2. I add his phone number and email to every form I fill out so that he is also on the correspondence that gets sent out. He gets text reminders for appointments, school emails, etc.
  3. Mine is allergic to the phone, so I still manage most phone call scheduling. But I finally was like “bro, have you ever heard of an online portal?” So now I can just be like “I need you to schedule this thing.”
  4. Have your husband be keeper of the backpacks. He can be in charge of emptying and filling them and adding important dates to the calendar, signing permission forms, etc." —u/OneTimePSAStar
"My husband has ADHD. He is an AMAZING father and fantastic at his job. But his brain is spent in the evenings when his meds wear off. Its been a process of us working together to get him to the point of managing. We use Cozi. Our kids are a bit older (13, almost 16, and almost 19) and we have been using it for years. Everyone has it on their phones and everyone is responsible for adding any plans they make. When we implemented the calendar I really drove home that if its not on the calendar its not happening. I also 'nagged' everyone into the habit of checking it first thing every morning so they know what the day brings. Kids want to have a friend over? Check the calendar before asking. If anyone asks me when, where, or what time something is happening I simply say "Check the calendar". We also use it for some 'reminders'. For example I put on there 'Check for drivers test dates' for 30 days before my middle daughters 16th birthday. Important info is added in the notes - who is driving? Do they need to bring anything? Its taken some time and mental labor on my part but these days it runs pretty smoothly. There were failures and missed appointments along the way but we all survived." —u/sdpeasha

 reminder, reminders, don't forget, helpful reminder, remind me Point Remember GIF  Giphy  

"We do it based on kids. I know sometimes like for dentist, you may take both, but one person does almost everything for one kids, and other person for the other. School clothes, permission slips, teacher gifts, etc and the. That person puts it in the other persons calendar too. Works pretty well." —u/mrsjlm
"Because I’m a stepmom, my husband is the one who is in charge of the scheduling in the house. Our solution is twofold: an up-to-date Google calendar, and a dry-erase calendar of the month in the kitchen. The Google calendar is what my husband and I already used individually, so we keep our personal calendars separate and just share them with each other. He also created a calendar for his kids, to help me see the custody schedule and their sports events. While he’s mostly in charge of the kids’ digital calendar, I’m the one who writes up the dry erase calendar at the beginning of every month, which shows all of our events for the coming weeks. This way, even though I’m not in charge of the scheduling, I am putting things on the calendar so that I have visibility and nothing comes as a surprise. The night before any events or hectic days, we take a minute to go over who’s driving who where the next day. Sometimes I’ll ask my husband to text it to me even though we’re talking about it in person, so that the driving part is documented and I can double check the plan if needed." —u/Anon-eight-billion

 dry erase, dry erase board, dry erase calendar, dry erase gif, dry erase marker Erase Parks And Recreation GIF by PeacockTV  Giphy  

"Shared notes on notes app on iPhone. There is shopping lists with check boxes and when one person adds something to any of the lists or notes the other person or anyone else it’s shared with gets a notification saying who has updated one of the lists." —u/Fit_Woodpecker_3333
"Some reading that might help you both have a productive conversation together: The gender wars of household chores: a feminist comic and She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink ." —u/anonymous_redditor_0
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Parenting

Mom dissects one of the little "piles" around her house and her rant is so relatable

All parents will recognize the mental exhaustion brought on by these innocuous piles of junk.

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Piles of junk are driving one mom bonkers.

Running a household, especially with little kids running around, involves a lot of stuff. The kids have stuff, they bring stuff home from school, the grandparents give you stuff, other parents pass along stuff they don't need anymore. And of course, you've got your own stuff! That's to say nothing of the daily mail, which is a good 90% junk.

Where does it all go? Well, it either gets put away in the proper place, thrown away, or donated. But that doesn't always happen right away. First, the junk has to build and accumulate to the point where it annoys you and you're motivated to do something about it.

A mom is going viral for perfectly explaining the bane of her existence: All the "little piles" of junk.


Piles are usually at least 50% junk mail. Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash

The natural form of junk is piles. As it accumulates, the piles will begin to form all over your house. The piles especially like the kitchen counter and the stairs.

"Here's what the single hardest thing for me is about being a mom," mom and Instagrammer Bekah Martinez begins in a video. "There's these little piles that accumulate. Mini piles. And I’m the only one who acknowledges these piles. These piles require so much mental energy all the time. Because there’s so many little decisions attached to every little item.”

In the video, she approaches a piano in her living room. Of course, because she's a mom and the piano's top offers a flat surface, there is a pile of random stuff on top. For our entertainment, she dissects and explains each individual item.

There's:

  • A lightbulb
  • A pacifier clip
  • A Shrinky Dink parrot
  • A small black plastic piece that broke off of something
  • A Sharpie

Martinez explains that she can't just throw all the stuff away, or even put it away! The lightbulb is a rechargeable lightbulb with a charger that needs to be tracked down. Her son has aged out of the pacifier clip and throwing it away seems wasteful but donating it is another chore to do. The Shrinky Dink was a gift and it will feel bad to throw it away but no one really wants it. That mysterious little black plastic thing might be needed at some point if she can ever figure out what it's from.

"No one else in this family at this point in our lives is going to do anything with these little piles," she says, getting more and more hilariously worked up, as if the piles have broken her very spirit. Watch the relatable and entertaining reel here:

Parents everywhere — especially moms — felt so seen by Martinez's rant.

Parents and non-parents alike know all about the piles. Parents just have the added bonus of their kids finding things in the street, collecting worthless plastic Happy Meal toys, and bringing six-dozen pieces of artwork home from school every week. It all goes into the piles.

Commenters had a lot to say about it.

"I have two full draws of 'little piles' that I didn't have the mental energy for"

"[Piles cause] 90% of my overstimulation"

"This is single-handedly the most relatable reel I've ever seen"

"Death by a thousand little piles"

"I've been a parent for 12 years and this is the best video I've ever seen which explains it"


simpsons, junk, clutter, house cleaning tips, organization tipsJunk drawer, anyone?Giphy

Some people had productive tips for dealing with all the junk:

"Get a basket and throw every little pile in it. If you don’t go to the basket to look for something within a month, you don’t need it so throw it away or donate!"

"I'm a professional organizer! ... Create 3 baskets that live in an area that you can ignored for a while. 1. Needs home (think the light bulb) 2. Donate (think the pacifier clip) 3. Memories (think the shrinky dink) ... Then, once a week, or at a cadence of your choice, revisit the baskets and take a solid 20min-hour creating a more permanent home or getting rid of those items!"

Others were in favor of getting revenge on all the people in the house that don't help clean up:

"I like putting the little piles on the stairs so I can watch the people, to whom they belong, walk by them on the stairs on their way to bed."

The greater point of Martinez's rant, besides the fact that the piles are annoying, was that it too often falls on one person in the house (ahem, you can probably guess who) to deal with them. The piles are invisible to everyone else, she claims, including her partner. It seems silly to complain about a light bulb and a Sharpie, but she's right: Dealing with the piles is far too big a mental load for one person to take on.

Some people get so overwhelmed by it all that they create "doom piles," which are especially common in people with ADHD. It's like a giant super pile, where you take all the junk and put it together in one place. It makes things look more tidy outside of that one area, but it creates a major headache for future-you. Experts say the best way to attack the piles is to do it in small chunks so you don't get overwhelmed, and ideally offer yourself a small reward for your efforts. A great way to approach it is to work on separating the piles into trash, put away, and donate for 10 minutes before you watch TV at night!

Oh, and partners who supposedly "don't notice the piles" (you know who you are), let's get off the couch and into the game. Go team!

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Psychologists explain what the number of unread emails in your inbox reveals about your personality

Having thousands of unread emails is not purely "good habit vs. bad habit."

Screenshot by Annie Reneau

Does this image cause you anxiety, or is it just par for your daily course?

Email has been a regular fixture in our lives since the mid-to-late 1990s, with many of us having many different inboxes to manage from personal and work to organizations and side hustles. Our email life can become overwhelming and even exhausting, and it definitely requires some effort to maintain it, but what that effort and maintenance look like varies drastically from person to person.

Variations in email management have prompted many a debate amongst friends, particularly when one catches a glimpse of another's 20,000+ unreads on their phone and panics. "Why do you have so many unread emails?!? That would cause me so much anxiety!" says the one, while the other just shrugs and says, "I skip the ones I don't want to read and it's not worth taking the time to delete them," as if that's a perfectly reasonable approach.

What do these reactions to emails say about each person? Is one right and the other wrong? Does one have good habits and the other bad?

Some folks will make a convincing argument for orderly and organized inbox habits, touting the benefits of the "Inbox Zero" method in which you follow a few steps to keep your inbox cleared. Such habits can help those who feel overwhelmed by too many emails and can't ignore inbox clutter to feel more at ease.

But before judging those with cluttered inboxes too harshly, it's important to note that our brains don't all work the same way. For some, keeping up a clear inbox causes more stress than ignoring emails and they feel that the time and attention it takes to manage it every day isn't worth it.

Here's what psychologists have to say about people's email inbox habits and what they mean about our personalities:

First, let's look at the reality of email and how much of it is even worth our time, because we all know a lot of the email we receive is worthless. Researchers wrote in Harvard Business Review, “Of the eight hours managers devote to e-communications each week, we estimate 25% of that time is consumed reading emails that should not have been sent to that particular manager and 25% is spent responding to emails that the manager should never have answered.”

In another Harvard Business Review article citing a 2012 McKinsey analysis, researchers noted that, "the average professional spends 28% of the workday reading and answering email...that amounts to a staggering 2.6 hours and 120 emails per day."

And that's just work email. Our personal inboxes are full of junk with seemingly endless waves of email marketing and advertisements masquerading as helpful information. Some of us understand that reality and see it as all the more reason to actively manage our inboxes, while some of us see it as a reason to simply ignore most email that comes in.

A person using a smartphone and laptop with various open tabs.

Are you a filer and deleter or an ignorer?

Photo by Yogas Design on Unsplash

Research psychologist Larry Rosen, Ph.D. told Business Insider that people who routinely file and delete emails are often trying to avoid the anxiety that comes with seeing emails pile up. "A huge, exploding inbox releases stress-based neurotransmitters, like cortisol, which make them anxious," he said.

Some of that anxiety could stem from perfectionism (or vice versa) and seeing notifications build up is a reminder of everything you're not doing or able to do.

“It could be tied to feeling overwhelmed to the point that each unread notification is yet another piled task piled on top of a thousand others,” Jenn Hardy, a licensed psychologist in Maryville, Tennessee, told HuffPost.

Rosen told Business Insider that people who stay on top of their inboxes are often people with a high need for control in their lives. "They need an external way to have control over the world," he said, so the idea of just letting emails pile up willy nilly is way too stressful.

On the other hand, people who do let their emails pile up may feel an opposite kind of stress. The idea of managing it all creates anxiety, and they feel more comfortable just ignoring it. Ultimately, there have to be occasional purges, but that's preferable to the day-to-day maintenance stress for some.

“They may find this works better for them, leaves them less stressed and helps them focus their time and energy on other matters," Hardy pointed out. Social psychologist Ron Friedman told Business Insider that ignoring email "can also mean that you recognize that [monitoring and organizing those emails] isn't helping you achieve progress," adding that recognition is "a sign of intelligence."

Email ignorers might also just be more relaxed personality types in general. More Type B than Type A.

“They may be less of a perfectionist type and go more with the flow,” Lena Derhally, a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in social media and anxiety, told HuffPost. “They may not see having unread notifications or clear inboxes as a priority, and they may not feel bad/guilty/shameful about being unresponsive.”

The one solid argument for keeping your inbox under control regardless of your personality type is the environmental impact of data storage. Deleting emails may be fairly low on the rung of carbon to-dos, but it's a simple one that anyone can do. Plus, using the environment as an incentive to clean up your email habits might be helpful for people who actually want the "Inbox Zero" life but have a hard time getting motivated to do it.

What's funny about all of this is how people's email worlds can be completely alien to one another. My friends look at my unread email notifications and chastise me for causing them anxiety (even though they're my inboxes, not theirs—just seeing the number in the bubble on my phone stresses them out). I, on the other hand, cannot even conceptualize how they keep all of their email inboxes cleaned up every day. Like, does not compute even a little bit.

It takes all kinds of people to make the world go round, so as long as people are happy with their chosen methods, we can stop judging and even celebrate the differences in our inbox habits.


This article originally appeared on 6.6.24

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Pop Culture

The viral '333 rule' promises to take the stress out of packing for good

 A great solution for chronic over-packers.

Representative Image from Canva

Packing isn't easy. Even for the lightest of packers.

Sure, there are many people who find light packing a breeze. Those brave souls who come alive at the thought of living three weeks in a foreign country out of a carry on bag.

But then there’s the rest of us. The ones who work ourselves into a headache trying to load our suitcases with every possible outfit that could be needed for the trip…because you never know when you might need a parka and flip-flops on the same trip. (Hey, it could happen! The Alps have hot tubs!)

But luckily, there are a few tips and tricks that chronic overpacker can incorporate to help them feel truly prepared, without having to jam their entire closet into a suitcase.

That’s where the “333 packing method” comes in.

333 packing seems to come from—or at least be inspired by—minimalist fashion blogger Courtney Carver, whose “Project 333” encourages people to declutter by committing to only 33 items of clothing for 3 months. But the concept seems to have taken on a life of its own on TikTok, and its helping travelers of all kinds pack with peace of mind.


The rules of 333 packing are pretty straightforward: pack three tops, three bottoms, and three pairs of shoes. These basic ingredients potentially create dozens of outfits, all of which fit into a carry-on.

The trend really started blowing up after influencers began striking poses in all their different ensemble combinations, tallying upwards of 20.

 
 @ayeshayeshbaby6 the 333 method is a life saver for me when im traveling. it helps me come up with tons of outfit ideas and not overpack #capsulewardrobe #traveloutfit #stylingtips #CapCut ♬ original sound - Ayesha 
 
 
 
 @itssarasmiles The 333 method really helped me narrow down exactly what I needed for my trip so that I wouldn’t overpack #vacationoutfitinspo #styletips #packinghacksfortravel #333method #stylishtravel ♬ original sound - Style with Sara 
 
 
 
 @daniela.brkic The 333 method is a lifesaver for not overpacking when travelling + creating heaps of different outfit ideas! #capsulewardrobe #traveloutfit #girlstrip #stylingtips #stylingideas #capsulewardrobeideas ♬ ♡ ᶫᵒᵛᵉᵧₒᵤ ♡ - SoBerBoi 
 
 

However, there are some caveats. It helps if you keep your clothing choices stick to basics in neutral colors, since they are the least likely to clash and can be zhuzhed up with an accessory or two. Plus, for areas where there are large changes in climate, you might be better off packing an extra layer.

Many found that even if they customized a bit—allowing themselves 1-2 “fun” items, for example, or switching up the ratio to 5 tops, two pants, etc.—they still benefited from being completely intentional about getting the most out of whatever went with them on their travels.

“Every time I do it, I stare at my bed where all my clothes and shoes are and think, ‘Wow this seems too simple. There’s no way I can make 17-18 outfits out of just this.’ But then I do,” fashion influencer Krista Lavrusik and 333 outfit aficionado shared with HuffPost.

Bottom line: it might seem like we are easing our anxiety to prepare for inevitable loss of control that comes with traveling to new places, but often we still end up just as stressed by having to lug around so much. If this sounds like you, give the 333 method a whirl. You just might save time and luggage space. Oh, and, you know, actually enjoy that vacation you’re packing for.

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