When the coronavirus finally subsides and life gets back to normal, we will all praise the heroes — medical workers, grocery store clerks, that guy who gave you a dab of hand sanitizer — and we will shame the hoarders.
The image that bests sums up this strange and terrible era will be the people with gigantic Costco carts filled with sky-high stacks of toilet paper. Their eyes filled with fear that one day they will have to resort to cleansing themselves with Kleenex or, worse, a Starbucks napkin.
This Trump supporter bought her local store out of its toilet paper supply pic.twitter.com/5QimHoiAow
— NowThis (@nowthisnews) March 24, 2020
The Walking Toiletpaper-Zombies 😂 pic.twitter.com/Vkfd6fpZIb
— MaviDüs (@777Ceren777) March 21, 2020
For toilet paper?!?! pic.twitter.com/yPdy8gGNF5
— Charles M. Blow (@CharlesMBlow) March 23, 2020
Two women fight over toilet paper amidst the coronavirus outbreak.
— Concerned Citizen (@ConcernCTpluto) March 18, 2020
The Holly Hoarders struck hardest at Costco, so now the retail giant is striking back by forcing them to live with their selfish decisions. Costco now refuses to allow its customers to return any of the hoarders' favorite purchases: toilet paper, paper towels, water, rice, Lysol, and sanitizing wipes.
Buyer's remorse is a dish best served cold. Costco is serving it in bulk.
lmao Costco basically saying y'all wanted to be extra, y'all gonna deal with your millions of toilet paper all over your house #sorrytammy pic.twitter.com/eCFhoiDp33
— m (@capricorngirlyy) March 19, 2020
That's what you get for hoarding and upselling during a pandemic.
Choke on that toilet paper. I love #Costco pic.twitter.com/HDSt7XgSEh
— Rosie Posie (@hostilevagina) March 19, 2020
Attention supply hoarders, if you made your purchases and planned to return the unused portions back to Costco? I hate to be the bearer of bad news. But, #Denied pic.twitter.com/iLbycohIsb
— Hex Gerardo (@OSV227Hex) March 19, 2020
Costco cares about its customers so it has a 100%-satisfaction guarantee and usually accepts returns on just about everything but alcohol and tobacco products. But these are unusual times.
Costco has drawn a line and refuses to grant 100% satisfaction to the folks who thought they could take all of the bum wipe for themselves.
As if America didn't love Costco enough, they're heaping extra praise on the company on Twitter.
When Costco isn't willing to accept a return, you know shit is getting real.
— Tony Stank's third cousin (@A_J_Gomes) March 22, 2020
Haha 🤣🤣🤣I love it!! Same thing for Walmart no refunds muthafuckas.🤣🤣🤣
Have fun with your life supply of toilet paper and water.
— Len (@Leeventure300) March 22, 2020
Some folks suggested that the hoarders can atone for their greed by donating their ill-gotten loot to a local shelter or food bank.
They could just give 9 bags of rice to people who arrange meals for people in actual need. But being selfish shitbag hoarders, they probably won't, because that would require some common decency.
— Extectic (@extectic) March 24, 2020
And to think hoarders will still have the opportunity to donate all those goods to people in need.
— Elizabeth Monaghan (@ElizVerde) March 22, 2020
Now that the hoarders are being punished, we need to know what inspired their heinous deeds so it never happens again.
Why in the hell did people hoard toilet paper of all things? Water, food, and hand sanitizer make sense, they can mean the difference between life or death. But toilet paper? Not so much.
Andrea Greenman, the president of the Contemporary Freudian Society, says it goes back to control and, of course, a child's anal phase.
"Controlling cleanliness around B.M.s is the earliest way the child asserts control," Greenman told The New Yorker.
"The fact that now we are all presumably losing control creates a regressive push to a very early time," she added. "So, I guess that translates in the unconscious to 'If I have a lifelong supply of toilet paper, I'll never be out of control, never be a helpless, dirty child again.' "
Costco could maximize profits while helping these hoarders with their fears of regressing into being dirty children by offering them Freudian psychoanalysis. It could set up a chaise lounge right next to the guys who sell air conditioners and solar panels.
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