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10 things someone with anxiety wants you to know about dating them.

'You’re not my therapist, and you may need to encourage me to see one.'

I’ve come to terms with my anxiety. I’d even say that we’re sometimes friends.

But whenever someone comes into my life, romantically or otherwise, they also have to get to know my anxiety. The good news is that, despite the social stigma surrounding mental health, it’s often not that big of a deal. But of course, there are things I want people to know about me and how I see the world.

Photo via iStock.


So, to my significant other, here are 10 things I want you to know about dating me:

1. I am not my anxiety.

I have anxiety and I deal with anxiety — but I am not my anxiety. It’s simply a small part of me. You most likely fell in love with the other parts of me, like the fact that I am slightly obsessed with conspiracy theories or I get sad when I see an elderly person eating alone. Please remember those parts of me, even when I don’t.

2. There are perks!

Because of my anxiety, I value the positives in my life immensely and do my best to nurture them and express my appreciation. I’m very empathetic and tuned into how others may think or feel. I’ll do my best to save you pain and protect you because I know how bad it can feel. I’ll almost always have some deeply thought-out insight because all that analyzing isn’t for nothing.

3. Please share your own struggles and tell me how I can support you.

This is a relationship and I want to be here for you as much as you’re here for me. Please don’t feel like you can’t lean on me. Nothing makes me happier than being able to help someone else, especially someone I love. I’ve learned a lot and received a lot of support from you, and I’m happy to share and return the favor.

4. If I don’t feel better when you try to help, it’s not your fault.

There are times when nothing is louder than the thoughts in my head telling me that everything is not OK — even louder than the person I love telling me that it is. I know you’re right, and I’m not just being stubborn: thoughts are powerful and sometimes they will get the best of me. Eventually, I’ll get there, so please be patient with me.

5. If I don’t feel better when you try to help, it’s not my fault.

Anxiety isn’t always something you can just suck up and move on from, like criticism or rejection. When it gets too hard to relax, I feel the anxiety at my core: my heart starts racing, my mind gets hard to distract, and my gut pulses with negativity. Like the saying goes: “You have to trust in something, and sometimes all we have is what our gut tells us.” But mine sometimes tells me scary things and, yes, it scares me.

6. You’re not my therapist, and you may need to encourage me to see one.

There are a lot of resources now for improving mental health, especially in strengthening against anxiety, such as relaxation methods or breaking negative thought patterns. I might be slow to accept this help, but please encourage me and be honest that you can’t always provide the help I need. You’re not trying to abandon me or not accept me as a whole; sometimes I need help to make real progress.

7.  There isn’t a quick fix for anxiety. It’s a work in progress, but I promise I’ll put that work in.

I have good days and I have bad days, and most likely, anxiety will always be a part of my life. But it’s been proven that it can get more and more manageable with hard work, consistency, and a good support system. I’ll provide the first two parts and love you for being a part of the third.

8.  This is hardest on me.

For me, anxiety can affect not only our relationship but also everything else: my work and career, any social situation, and even getting through the day. It can be exhausting. In fact, I probably won’t tell you a lot of what I’m experiencing, so what you notice may be only part of what I’m working through. It’s not an excuse, but please just keep it in mind if it gets hard on you.

9. Be real and honest.

The last thing I want is for you to “handle” me with kid gloves or become bitter because you’re bottling up frustrations. I need honesty. If I’m being a brat, you can definitely tell me I’m being a brat. I might not be able to control if anxiety is present in my life, but I know I can work on how I react to it. Sometimes I’m just overwhelmed or scared and I show it in a way that’s difficult. I welcome any reminders to ground myself and instead react from a clear-headed place. I trust you because I love you.

10. I love you and thank you for loving me.

It’s not easy for me to be vulnerable with you or wonder if I’m too much or too little. There might be times when I push you away just so you can’t push me away first. Everyone has their set of issues to work through and you inspire and support me to work through mine. So, thank you, and I promise I’ll return the favor.

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Three women, three MS journeys: How multiple sclerosis looks different for everyone

Gina, Nathalie and Helga share their reactions to being diagnosed with MS and how they stay informed and positive in the face of ever-changing symptoms.

Courtesy of Sanofi

Helga, Nathalie and Gina all have MS, and their experiences show how differently the disease can manifest.

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It’s been 155 years since neurologist Jean-Martin Charcot gave the first lecture on a mysterious progressive illness he called “multiple sclerosis.” Since then, we’ve learned a lot. We know MS causes the immune system to attack healthy tissue, including damaging the brain and spinal cord. Resulting symptoms can be debilitating and include fatigue, blurred vision, memory problems and weakness. Huge advancements in our understanding of MS and its underlying causes, as well as treatment advances, have been made in the past few decades, but MS remains a complex and unpredictable reality for the 2.8 million+ people diagnosed around the world.

Ironically, the only real constant for people living with MS is change. There’s no set pattern or standard progression of the disease, so each person’s experience is unique. Some people with MS have mild symptoms that worsen slowly but sometimes improve, while others can have severe symptoms that drastically alter their daily lives.

All people with MS share some things in common, however, such as the need to stay informed on the ever-evolving research, find various lines of support and try to remain hopeful as they continue living with the disease.

To better understand what navigating life with MS really looks like, three women shared their MS stories with us. Their journeys demonstrate how MS can look different for different people and interestingly, how the language used to talk about the disease can greatly impact how people understand their realities.

woman with horse, woman riding horseGina loves riding her horse, Benita.Courtesy of Sanofi

Gina—Hamburg, Germany (diagnosed with relapsing multiple sclerosis in 2017)

When her youngest son was 4 months old, Gina started having problems with her eye. She’d soon learn she was experiencing optic neuritis—her first symptom of MS.

“Immediately after the diagnosis, I looked up facts on MS because I didn’t know anything about it,” Gina says. “And as soon as I knew what could really happen with this disease, I actually got scared.”

As her family’s primary income provider, she worried about how MS would impact her ability to work as a writer and editor. Her family was afraid she was going to end up in a wheelchair. However, for now, Gina’s MS is managed well enough that she still works full-time and is able to be active.

“When I tell somebody that I have MS, they often don't believe me the first time because I don't fulfill any stereotypes,” she says.

Overwhelmed by negative perspectives on living with MS, Gina sought support in the online MS community, which she found to be much more positive.

“I think it’s important to use as many positive words as you can when talking about MS.” It’s important to be realistic while also conveying hope, she says. “MS is an insidious disease that can cause many bad symptoms…that can be frightening, and you can't gloss over it, either.”

To give back to the online community that helped her so much, Gina started a blog to share her story and help others trying to learn about their diagnosis.

Though she deals with fatigue and cognitive dysfunction sometimes, Gina stays active swimming, biking, riding horses and playing with her sons, who are now 11 and 6.

Cognitive dysfunction is common in MS, with over half of people affected. It can impact memory, attention, planning, and word-finding. As with many aspects of MS, some people experience mild changes, while others face more challenges.

Gina says that while there’s still a lot of education about MS needed, she feels positive about the future of MS because there’s so much research being done.

woman in wheelchair holding medal, woman rowingNathalie is an award-winning rower with multiple international titles.Courtesy of Sanofi

Nathalie — Pennes Mirabeau, France (diagnosed with relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis in 2002)

Nathalie was a teenager and a competitive athlete when she noticed her first symptoms of MS, but it would take four years of “limbo” before she was diagnosed.

“Ultimately, the diagnosis was more of a relief, than a shock,” she says. “Because when you have signs and you don’t know why, it’s worse than knowing, in the end, what you have.”

However, learning more about the disease—and the realities of disease progression—scared her.

“That glimpse of the future was direct and traumatic,” she says. Her neurologist explained that the disease evolves differently for everyone, and her situation might end up being serious or very mild. So, she decided to stop comparing herself to others with MS.

She said to herself, “We’ll see what happens, and you’ll manage it bit by bit.”

By 2005, Nathalie’s MS had progressed to the point of needing a wheelchair. However, that has not dampened her competitive spirit.

Nathalie began her international rowing career in 2009 and has won multiple world titles, including two Paralympic medals—silver in London and bronze in Tokyo. Now, at 42, she still trains 11 times a week. Fatigue can be a problem, and sometimes hard workouts leave her with muscle stiffness and shaking, but she credits her ongoing sports career for helping her feel in tune with her body’s signals.

“Over the years, I’ve learned to listen to my body, letting my body guide when I need to stop and take breaks,” she says.

Nathalie explains that she used to only look backwards because of the initial shock of her diagnosis. In time, she stopped thinking about what she couldn’t do anymore and focused on her future. She now lives in the following mindset: “Even when doors close, don’t miss out on those that open.” Instead of focusing on what she can’t do, she focuses on the opportunities she still has. Right now, this includes her training for the 2024 Paralympic Games in Paris, where she will compete for another rowing medal.

“I only go forward,” she says. “Well, I try, anyway…It’s easy to say, it’s not always easy to do. But that’s what I try to do.”

woman exiting water after swimming, woman with great daneHelga's Great Dane has become a helpful and beloved companion.Courtesy of Sanofi

Helga—Johannesburg, South Africa (diagnosed with relapsing multiple sclerosis in 2010)

When Helga first started having balance issues and numbness in her feet, she chalked it up to her training as a runner. But when the numbness moved to her face, she knew something was wrong. She never guessed it was MS.

“When I was diagnosed, I felt completely overwhelmed and clueless,” Helga says. “I felt that I had nowhere near enough information. I did not know anything about the disease…I had no idea that it was going to be a process of continually monitoring and adjusting your lifestyle.”

In the beginning, Helga’s symptoms developed slowly, and she didn’t appear ill to others. She was even able to run for a few years after her diagnosis, but she couldn’t do marathons anymore, and she began to fall frequently due to balance issues and right-foot dragging. Then her cognition issues became more problematic, especially in her job as a trainer in a printing company.

“My executive function, decision-making and short-term memory were affected to the point that I was eventually medically unfit for work,” she says. She stopped working in 2017.

However, she didn’t stop living life. Even though she could no longer run, she continued to swim competitively. She got a Great Dane puppy and trained him as a service dog to help her walk. She also serves as vice chair of the patient support organization Multiple Sclerosis South Africa, and she advises others who have been diagnosed to join a patient advocacy group as soon as possible to get reliable information and meet others with MS.

Helga says she is “hopeful” about the future of MS. “I must say that I am so grateful that we have all the new medications available, because my life would not be the same if it wasn't for that,” she adds.

Part of how she manages her MS is by looking at the positives.

“If I could tell the world one thing about MS, it would be that MS is an incurable disease of the nervous system, but it's also the greatest teacher of valuing your health, family, friends, and managing change in your life,” she says. “My life is diversified in a way that I never, ever thought it would, and MS has been honestly the greatest teacher.”

Each MS journey is unique – with each person impacted experiencing different struggles, successes, and feelings as they manage this unpredictable disease. But the common thread is clear – there is a critical need for information, support, and hope. We are proud to participate in World MS Day and share these incredible stories of living life while living with MS. To learn more about MS, go to https://www.sanofi.com/why-words-really-matter-when-it-comes-to-multiple-sclerosis.

MAT-GLB-2301642-v1.0-05/2023

This article was sponsored by Sanofi. Participants were compensated when applicable.

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