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confidence

Confidence can be a powerful tool if you know how to show it.

If there's one "trick" to achieving success regardless of skill, ability, or talent, it's confidence. And the good news is it doesn't necessarily have to be actual confidence—merely the appearance of confidence is often enough to influence people and change outcomes.

Confidence is how con men are able to rope people in, but confidence can also be used for good. If you learn how to exude confidence, it can be one of the most powerful tools for creating the life you want and effecting positive change in the world.

So what does that look like, especially when you're not really feeling it? We all wish we could walk boldly through the world without any worry or self-doubt, but most of us don't feel 100% confident 100% of the time. That doesn't mean we can't appear confident, though. Former FBI agent and body language expert Joe Navarro shares six elements we need to understand in order to project confidence with WIRED.

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1. Understanding Confident Traits

There are certain traits confident people have that help them appear comfortable when they walk into a room and command whatever space they are in.

"When we talk about confidence, it's so many things," says Navarro. "It has to do with our posture, the way we present, how we look. Where's our chin? Where are the eyes looking and gazing? Our gestures are loose, but they're smoother. As we walk about, we walk as though we are on a mission."

Even how we move our eyeballs makes a difference. "The less confident we are, the less eye contact we make," Navarro says. "The less confident we are, the more reluctant we are to look about."

eye contact, confidence, looking around with confidence, body language, eyesPeople who are confident make more eye contact and look around more.Photo credit: Canva

Confident people don't show their confidence in the way many people assume. "I think sometimes people mistake machismo or theatrical displays of power as confidence," Navarro adds. "Confidence can be very quiet."

Jane Goodall, for example, is not a loud-speaking person bursting with bravado. She's rather meek and mild, and yet she commands every room. "One of the things you notice is they sort of have this command of themselves, and in doing so, that command transmits outward," Navarro explains.

You can also use time to convey confidence. Don't rush, go at your own pace. "If you're in charge, you're in charge of time," says Navarro. "I'm gonna take my time to walk out. I'm gonna take my time to answer your question. I will answer it in the pace, manner, and tone that I choose. And in doing that, we are demonstrating that we are confident and in control."

2. Modeling Confidence

One of the most effective ways of exuding confidence is to choose someone who is confident in a way that you admire and model yourself after them. What traits do they have that you could emulate? How do they move? How do they speak?

confident behavior, exuding confidence, how to seem more confident, body language, relating to othersHow do people who are confident behave?Photo credit: Canva

This doesn't mean changing who you are on a fundamental level, but rather observing the people who have an ability you're struggling with and behaving your way toward gaining that ability.

"You know, we're not born this way," says Navarro. "These are things that we have to develop, and say, 'How do I want to be perceived? And what can I do to achieve that?'"

3. Little Behaviors

Navarro shares that little things can make a difference. For instance, indicating a direction by pointing with your finger is an undesirable behavior almost universally, but pointing with an open hand is not.

He gave an example of something he had to learn when he first joined the police force and had to make an arrest. The first time he had to say, "Stop, you're under arrest!" he said it in a high-pitched voice and said it sounded terrible.

"You have to work at having that command presence, where you say [in a deeper voice], 'Stop right there, don't move.' That's almost theatrical, but it's what is needed."

confidence, under arrest, body language, voice, toneUnder Arrest GIF by ABC NetworkGiphy

He gave another example of saying "No, stop," with confidence, using a lower voice and an outstretched hand. The more confident you are in saying it, the more your fingers will spread apart. Those little behaviors convey confidence more than people realize.

4. Intonation

We all have certain vocal habits that include how we use tone in our speaking. Navarro describes a phenomenon known as "uptalk," which is when you raise your intonation at the end of phrases or sentences, almost as if you're asking a question even when you're not.

He shared that speaking with confidence involves bringing your voice down in a more declarative way when you speak rather than sounding as if you're questioning.

confidence when public speaking, the power of pauses, speaking slowly and confidently, uptalk, declarationSlowing down and using powerful pauses can make you appear confident.Photo credit: Canva

5. Cadence

Many of us, especially when we're not feeling comfortable or confident, talk too fast. But when you talk too fast, people stop listening. Pacing your speech and using the power of pauses can be a powerful way to convey confidence.

"If you want people to listen to you, use cadence to get their attention, hold their attention, but then look forward to what that next set of words will be," says Navarro. "It lets them know, at a subconscious level, this is the person in charge. And we know that they're in charge because they have temporal control over this. They're not in a hurry."

6. Non-verbals

People often think that confidence looks like holding your shoulders back, puffing up your chest, and keeping your chin up. It can look like that, says Navarro, but it doesn't have to.

A confident woman in a suit, smiling with a fist pump, exuding confidence, confidence, body language, queuesConfidence can be conveyed in lots of non-verbal ways.Photo credit: Canva

"You know, a lot of times confidence is just sitting comfortably in a chair. And that may have more to do with how much space you control. It may have to do with the gestures that you use."

When people look confident, their gestures are smooth. There's no hesitation, quick movements, or jitteriness. They appear calm and in charge. When people are less confident, they feel like they have to hurry and answer right away.

"Let's face it: people are not born confident," says Navarro. "They're just not. We can become confident with the assistance of our parents who encourage us. We can become confident through our own achievements. We can become confident by going beyond our boundaries. But confidence is something that we can grow, we can nurture."

Of course, we all want to feel truly confident and not just act like we are, but sometimes the behavior helps to create the feeling.

"If you want to be confident, know your material, know the information, hone that skill, work at it, have that mastery of things, and of self," says Navarro. "And that's how you will come across as confident, no matter what your station in life is."

Identity

50 people shared the one thing they'd change about their bodies. The kids' answers rocked.

The children heard the question TOTALLY differently than the adults.

When do we start learning to hate our bodies?

Body image is a strange thing. Babies aren't born with any opinions about their bodies one way or another, but as we age, we start forming judgments. We might be teased about one or more of our features or we might just absorb messages about beauty standards from the world we live in, but whatever causes them, a huge number people end up dissatisfied with parts of our body by the time we're adults.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

"If you could change one thing about your body, what would it be?"

In a video from Jubilee, 50 people were asked, "If you could change one thing about your body, what would it be?" and the difference between how the adults answered and the kids answered is striking—and telling. The adults listed off the specific features they didn't like and wanted to change—a smaller forehead, smaller ears, bigger eyes, a less puffy face, etc. The kinds of answers most of us would mostly likely give.

But the kids? They heard the question totally differently and answered it in the best way possible.


Watch:

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Of course you would choose to have a mermaid tail or legs like a cheetah if you could change one thing about your body! Of course you'd want wings so you could fly and a shark mouth so you could eat all the things. Teleportation? Put it in me! Extra pointy ears? Heck yes, little elfling.

Or even just…nothing. "I wouldn't change anything. I like my body." That might just be the most revolutionary statement of the 21st century.

Kids aren't immune to being dissatisfied with their bodies, of course. Studies show that body image concerns can begin as early as age 3 and tend to increase year after year, peaking in adolescence. Keeping a child from slipping down the slope of body negativity is something for all parents to watch for. Thankfully, there are some things we can do to help protect kids' acceptance and celebration of their bodies just as they are.

How to develop and maintain a healthy body image

One way is to be careful about how we talk about bodies in general, including our own.

"What we say about our own bodies and other people’s bodies carries significant weight, especially in the presence of our children," pediatrician Mona Amin, M.D., writes on Instagram. "Our words shape their perceptions of self-worth and body image. When we talk about how we don’t want to get in a swimsuit because we haven’t 'lost the baby weight yet' or congratulate someone on looking skinny, we teach our children that there is a 'right' way to look. This subtly, and sometimes not so subtly, can make children start to scrutinize how they look, and can trigger insecurity and low self-esteem."

Another is to speak positively about the things our bodies—all bodies—can do rather than just how they look. Dr. Amin writes that children are borth with a natural sense of acceptance, but a keen observers they will often start to internalize the beliefs and attitudes of the adults in their lives. We can help them develop and maintain a healthy relationship with body image by promoting body neutrality and celebrating diversity in the way people look.

What does that look like in practice? Dr. Amin gives five specific examples:

1. Speaking positively about ourselves and our bodies both alone, with friends, and in front of our children
2. Positive affirmations about our body and what it DOES not how it looks: rewire the brain by feeding positivity where you need it
3. Celebrate qualities about people and kids and not how they look
4. Limit access to social media accounts and media that don’t promote body positivity
5. Not discussing weight in a negative way at doctor’s visits or ever.


More compliments that aren't oriented around appearance, please

It's shocking how many compliments people get have to do with the way they look, and even positive comments can lead to an unhealthy emphasis on appearance. We can all try giving kids compliments like "That was such a smart observation!" or "I love the way you think!" or "Wow, that took hard work—way to go!" rather than focusing on how they look.

Parents on Dr. Amin's Instagram page shared how their kids responded to the question of what they'd change about their body if they could, and they reflect the responses in the video.

"Just asked my son this question and he said he'd change his feet into robot feet and would have robot arms and a robot belly🤖🥹"

"I asked my 5 year old daughter this question, and without any hesitation she said "I wouldn't change anything". By far, one of my most proudest moment as a parent."

"Just asked my three kids: Eldest said “I’d change nothing.” Youngest said “I don’t think I can anything but if I could, I would change everything to always be happiness.” Middle said “I would change madness… so that my body would never be mad anymore.” 🥹🥹🥹 Insecurities are taught. This really touched & convicted me 😭 Thank you for sharing this!"

"My kid said he would turn his body into Godzilla."

"🔥❤️ 6 year old said he would make a clone so they can go to school. 👏👏"

Let's all try to bring back that childhood wonder when we think about our bodies and celebrate the awesome powers they have—or even the imaginary ones they could have.

More

Her struggle with her acne is a lesson in developing a healthy relationship with makeup.

'Reflecting on your own self-worth is the most important thing you can do every day.'

True
L'Oreal Dermablend

MacKenzie has scars from high school — and not just emotional ones.

When she was 13, she started developing severe acne and redness all over her face. As a shy, sensitive teen, MacKenzie just wanted to blend in, but the acne made it extremely difficult.

MacKenzie. All photos via Dermablend.


"What’s wrong with you? What’s wrong with your face?" Insensitive questions like that would pummel her every day in school to the point where she wished she could just stay home.

"People thought I couldn’t really stick up for myself," MacKenzie recalls. "So they just kind of made me an easy target."

She tried using foundation, but it ended up accentuating her acne rather than covering it. Of course, this left her feeling even more defeated.

Things like painting and volunteer work, however, helped her distract herself from the negativity she experienced.

One of MacKenzie's paintings.

In fact, volunteer work, especially when it involved mentoring younger kids, was so important to MacKenzie, she decided to pursue a bachelor's degree in social work. She also mentors students at a high school near her university.

Not surprisingly, MacKenzie very much relates to the struggles her mentees are currently facing. She often tells them something of which she regularly reminds herself:

"Reflecting on your own self-worth is the most important thing you can do every day."

MacKenzie also found solace in a new kind of makeup which helped cover her acne and filled her with confidence.

She discovered Dermablend, and it's helped her feel so much more comfortable because she was able to use it more for self-expression rather than something to hide behind. It's allowed her to be much more creative with the image she reflects back at the world.

"That outlet has helped me reflect upon my own beauty," MacKenzie says.

Today, she doesn't feel like she always needs to wear makeup. It's her choice, and that's incredibly empowering. Her foundation helped give her the self-assurance to make that choice. Now, whether she decides to wear makeup or not, she sees all the things that make her beautiful.

"At the end of the day, I look in the mirror and see someone who’s grown so much that nothing can bring me down," MacKenzie says. "Makeup or no makeup, I still feel so confident in myself."

Watch MacKenzie's story here:

Dermablend Reflections: Mackenzie

Growing up, she felt that her acne made her an outsider. Now it's something that helps her relate to the kids she mentors.

Posted by Upworthy on Monday, October 30, 2017
True
L'Oreal Dermablend

Mariah wasn’t concerned at first when an unusual spot appeared on her finger.

"I didn’t even notice until it started on my face, around my nose," she explained.

But as it progressed, she was diagnosed with vitiligo, a condition that causes the loss of skin color across her body. It started when Mariah was just 13, and she’s had it ever since.


All images via Upworthy.

"I wasn’t happy when it started," she said. "I already didn’t think [I] was perfect or good enough. I didn’t have the confidence to be seen."

Being seen, though, is a big part of Mariah’s life. That’s because Mariah is a dancer, with aspirations to dance professionally.

"I was always worried that having the skin condition that I do, I wouldn’t make it as a dancer," she confessed.

"I didn’t want to be the girl with the skin condition ... I was worried that people weren’t going to watch me.”

Coping with the condition was difficult for Mariah at first. But that began to change for her when, while browsing the makeup counter at the mall, she was encouraged to try Dermablend. For the first time, Mariah could feel comfortable in her skin.

"[It] gave me the confidence to begin to pursue dancing like I did," she explained. "I wasn’t a dancer who’s dancing with vitiligo; I was one of the dancers."

Throwing herself into dance, she said, helped her confidence grow. Slowly stepping out of the background and into the spotlight, she was able to learn who she was and find her own happiness.

Through that process, something amazing happened. Instead of feeling like she had to wear makeup, she started deciding when she wanted to wear it and when she did not. It was her choice.

"It doesn’t define my beauty ... [vitiligo] actually adds to the uniqueness, and it adds something to the look," she said.

Defining beauty on her own terms, Mariah is now able to pursue her passions with confidence.

Check out her story below:

Dermablend Reflections: Mariah

Growing up, she worried that her skin condition would keep her from her dream of being a dancer.

Posted by Upworthy on Tuesday, November 14, 2017

"I always thought I deserved to be in the background," she admitted. "Now, I realize that I do deserve to have my spotlight."

Mariah has embraced that spotlight, using her journey and her art to encourage others to tap into their own inner beauty. She is unafraid to take center stage. She now has ambitions to dance alongside some of the biggest artists in mainstream music.

"I can confidently say that I feel beautiful with and without makeup," she said, "because I’ve learned that Mariah is a beautiful person."

Today she uses makeup to enhance her features and embrace what she loves about herself.  Now she wears make-up when she chooses to. Gone are the days when she would hide behind foundation: Now her journey is all about showing up in the world without apologies.