Stay-at-home-mom shares the incredibly frustrating thing that took 8 years to realize

Since the beginning of time, it’s probably safe to say that many parents are simply exhausted as they navigate child-rearing. It’s a delicate dance between being a helicopter parent and being checked out. And for some, that anxiety and restlessness can linger for a good portion of their child’s life. A parenting concept from well over half a century ago might be changing that once more.

British pediatrician and psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott coined the phrase “good enough” parenting when he hypothesized that it was perhaps okay for parents to let their children, within healthy boundaries, learn important lessons on their own. The gist is that instead of attempting to oversee every single portion of a child’s life, a parent can step back and show up in ways that will ultimately guide them to a (hopefully) better outcome.

Kids learn from our mistakes

Dr. Ramani Durvasula (who simply goes by Dr. Ramani online) describes the notion succinctly in an interview clip with MedCircle. Here, she explains how vital it is for children to learn certain life lessons on their own. “We only need to be good enough. If we get it right every time… our kids learn from our mistakes. Every so often it takes us too long to soothe them. That’s when they learn to soothe themselves. We need to do ‘just enough’ mistakes so that they learn to do things by themselves.”

In a 2016 piece for Psychology Today, author Marilyn Wedge, P.h.D. explains the idea evolves after infancy. “In discussing the mother (or other caretaker’s) adaptation to the needs of the baby, Winnicott thought that the ‘good enough mother’ starts out with an almost complete adaptation to her baby’s needs. She is entirely devoted to the baby and quickly sees to his every need. She sacrifices her own sleep and her own needs to fulfill the needs of her infant.”

Not perfect but ‘good enough’

She notes that this can change as the baby gets older. “As time goes by, however, the mother allows the infant to experience small amounts of frustration. She is empathetic and caring but does not immediately rush to the baby’s every cry. Of course, at first the time limit to this frustration must be very short. She may allow the baby to cry for a few minutes before her nighttime feeding, but only for a few minutes. She is not “perfect,” but she is “good enough” in that the child only feels a slight amount of frustration.”

Attunement

Fiona Yassin, family psychotherapist and founder and clinical director of The Wave Clinic, shared her view of the idea of attunement with Upworthy:

“For parents, it can be helpful to step away from the idea of getting parenting ‘right’ or ‘wrong.’ In mental health, we often talk about ‘good enough’ parenting, which has attunement at its core. This means being present for our children, noticing their needs, and responding in a way that helps them feel seen and supported. Children don’t need flawless caregivers, but they do need caregivers who’re reliably responsive.”

She adds how important it is that parents give themselves some grace. “It’s impossible to attune 100% of the time, but as parents we want to be looking to attune to our child’s needs for a good chunk of time. It’s also really important for parents to understand that small ruptures, missed cues, or moments of misattunement are not failures; they’re part of being human. What matters for parents here is how we repair from those moments and model to a child that relationships can stretch and recover.”

Avoid passing down anxiety

Alli Spotts-DeLazzer (LMFT, LPCC, CEDS-C) was excited to speak to Upworthy about the concept. “So happy ‘good enough parenting’ is in the spotlight here! I’ve been preaching this ‘good enough’ concept and the mutual growth that can come from it for years now—as a marriage and family therapist and lead author of My Child Has an Eating Disorder.

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In trying to do things perfectly, parents may unintentionally pass down more anxiety and lack of self-trust than they realize. The growth is in the ruptures, the repairs, and the role modeling of the messiness of life and how it gets handled—sometimes beautifully and other times in ways that feel poor. In a world where perfection narratives and images are pushed daily on social media, it takes courage to sit in the mess and make it meaningful. If you want to support resilience in kids, this seems like an empowering direction for parenting to move toward. Even more important, it can reduce polarization and allow more room for nuance, humanity, and growth.”