Culture
Dad’s 5-year-old daughter's hilarious answers to his questions have the internet screaming
“Do I have to change my name if I get married? Call me Shredder.”
01.14.25
via James Breakwell / Twitter
Raising kids is tough, but there's a lot of laughs along the way. Comedy writer James Breakwell has four daughters under the age of eight and shares their hilarious conversations on Twitter. And, from Breakwell's tweets, it looks like his five year old has a future in comedy. Here's a sampling of some Breakwell's funniest kid-inspired tweets.
1.
Me: What did you do at school today?\n\n5-year-old: Learned about dragons.\n\nMe: Your class learned about dragons?\n\n5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1524164098
2.
5-year-old: *stares off into space*\n\nMe: What's wrong?\n\n5: What happens if a kangaroo jumps on a trampoline?\n\nMe: *stares off into space, too*— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1512655067
3.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?\n\nMe: To look pretty.\n\n5: But she's already pretty.\n\nMe: Aww.\n\n5: Dad, you should wear makeup.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1434719335
4.
3-year-old: Do boys like Frozen?\n\n5-year-old: Nobody cares what boys like.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1522195727
5.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars\n\nMe: That\u2019d wreck the economy\n\n5: I just-\n\nMe: Go to your room until you understand inflation— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1441628973
6.
5-year-old daughter: I think a boy likes me. He drew me a dinosaur.\n\nMe: That could mean anything.\n\n5: The dinosaur had a hat.\n\nOh shit.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1435237545
7.
[watching a guy on TV do CPR]\n\n5-year-old daughter: Why is he kissing her?\n\nMe: He's not. He's saving her life.\n\n5: I'd rather die.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1458752016
8.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?\n\n5-year-old: Ninjas.\n\nMe: I didn\u2019t see them.\n\n5-year-old: No one ever does.\n\nCheckmate.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1433627847
9.
5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?\n\nMe: I helped\n\n5: How?\n\nMe:\n\n5:\n\nMe: I read her the instructions— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1446746149
10.
Me: You can't like Kylo Ren. He killed his dad.\n\n5-year-old: Maybe he deserved it.\n\nI'm never sleeping again.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1460388284
11.
Me: What happened on the coffee table?\n\n5-year-old daughter: Elsa killed all the stormtroopers.pic.twitter.com/36hCfd1z5s— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1432591871
12.
13.
5-year-old: I'm writing a book.\n\nMe: What's it called?\n\n5: I Ate Too Many Cupcakes.\n\nMe: Oh.\n\n5: It's just pretend because you can never eat too many cupcakes.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1523975066
14.
5-year-old: *eats a cupcake for breakfast*\n\nMe: Cupcakes aren't a breakfast food.\n\n5: I know. They're an all-day food.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1523364754
15.
Me: It snowed last night.\n\n5-year-old: *flops on the floor* We already did winter.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1523279528
16.
Me: You're still in your pajamas.\n\n5-year-old: I'll get dressed soon.\n\nMe: It's 4 in the afternoon.\n\n5: Don't rush me.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1523131531
17.
[spring break]\n\n5-year-old: When do we have to go back to school?\n\nMe: Monday.\n\n5: *slides me a penny* When now?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1522870699
18.
Me: Wake up. Time to get dressed.\n\n5-year-old: Not again.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1522158012
19.
5-year-old: *won't get out of bed*\n\nMe: I don't want to fight you every morning.\n\n5: Then let me win.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1522847748
20.
Me: Why are you being mean?\n\n5-year-old: I ran out of nice.\n\nIt's going to be a long night.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1522786515
21.
[lightning strike super close to our house]\n\n5-year-old: Missed me.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1522762976
22.
5-year-old: Can we have pizza?\n\nMe: We just had pizza yesterday.\n\n5: The pizza doesn't know that.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1522096312
23.
Me: Hurry.\n\n5-year-old: I am.\n\nMe: You're still in bed.\n\n5: I'm sleeping faster.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1521811809
24.
5-year-old: Leprechauns are fairies.\n\nMe: They are?\n\n5: I thought you went to college.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1521326336
25.
5-year-old: Do I have to change my name if I get married?\n\nMe: Only if you want to.\n\n5: Call me Shredder.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1521585950
His 5-year-old isn't the only (often unintentionally) hilarious child in the house; the 7-year-old and 3-year-old turn up from time to time. There's also a 2-year-old, but she hasn't been the subject of many tweets yet.
26.
Me: *gets burned by bacon grease* Ow!\n\n7-year-old: Love hurts.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1512230800
27.
Me: What are you doing?\n\n7-year-old: Counting the presents under the tree.\n\nMe: There aren't any presents under the tree.\n\n7: I know.\n\nPassive aggressive level 9000.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1511896968
28.
3-year-old: *holds up a baby doll* What's her name?\n\nMe: She doesn't have one. You can name her.\n\n3: *kissing baby* I love you, Stupid Face.\n\nShe'll make a great mother.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1511877311
29.
7-year-old: I'm glad I'm not a boy.\n\nMe: Why?\n\n7: I like being smart.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1512136729
30.
3-year-old: Mommy married you.\n\nMe: Yeah.\n\n3: Why?\n\nWife: Nobody knows.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1522527335
31.
2-year-old: *touches my beard* It's soft like a kitty.\n\nMe: You mean rugged and manly.\n\n2: Purrrr.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1493775467
32.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?\n\nMe: You go to heaven.\n\n4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1412245842
33.
4-year-old: Why do you go to work?\n\nMe: They pay me a salary.\n\n4-year-old:\n\nMe:\n\n4-year-old: I don\u2019t even like celery.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1425155143
34.
3-year-old daughter: Will I have a baby in my belly someday?\n\nMe: If you want to.\n\n3: No thanks. That's where I put my candy.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1459859421
35.
7-year-old: Why do we have to dress up?\n\nMe: It's Easter.\n\n7: Jesus just wore robes.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1522592817
36.
Me: Do you know why they call it Good Friday?\n\n7-year-old: There's no school.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1522427812
37.
7-year-old: Why does my teacher keep testing what I know?\n\nMe: What should she do?\n\n7: Trust me.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1522246883
38.
7-year-old: You should let me eat more candy.\n\nMe: Why?\n\n7: Then you won't eat it.\n\nShe's my new diet plan.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1522092561
This article originally appeared four years ago.
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Men try to read the most disturbing comments women get online back to them.
If you wouldn't say it to their faces, don't type it.
This isn’t comfortable to talk about.
Trigger warning for discussion of sexual assault and violence.
A recent video by Just Not Sports took two prominent female sportswriters and had regular guys* read the awful abuse they receive online aloud.
Sportswriters Sarah Spain and Julie DiCaro sat by as men read some of the most vile tweets they receive on a daily basis. See how long you can last watching it.
*(Note: The men reading them did not write these comments; they're just being helpful volunteers to prove a point.)
It starts out kind of jokey but eventually devolves into messages like this:
Awful.
All images and GIFs from Just Not Sports/YouTube.
These types of messages come in response to one thing: The women were doing their jobs.
Those wishes that DiCaro would die by hockey stick and get raped? Those were the result of her simply reporting on the National Hockey League's most disturbing ordeal: the Patrick Kane rape case, in which one of the league's top players was accused of rape.
DiCaro wasn't writing opinion pieces. She was simply reporting things like what the police said, statements from lawyers, and just general everyday work reporters do. In response, she received a deluge of death threats. Her male colleagues didn't receive nearly the same amount of abuse.
It got to the point where she and her employer thought it best to stay home for a day or two for her own physical safety.
The men in the video seemed absolutely shocked that real live human beings would attack someone simply for doing their jobs.
Not saying it.
All images and GIFs from Just Not Sports/YouTube.
Most found themselves speechless or, at very least, struggling to read the words being presented.
All images and GIFs from Just Not Sports/YouTube.
Think this is all just anecdotal? There's evidence to the contrary.
The Guardian did a study to find out how bad this problem really is.
They did a study of over 70 million comments that have been posted on their site since 2006. They counted how many comments that violated their comment policy were blocked.
The stats were staggering.
From their comprehensive and disturbing article:
If you can’t say it to their face... don’t type it.
All images and GIFs from Just Not Sports/YouTube.
So what can people do about this kind of harassment once they know it exists?
There are no easy answers. But the more people who know this behavior exists, the more people there will be to tell others it's not OK to talk to anyone like that.
Watch the whole video below:
.This article originally appeared on 04.27.16