Dad shares the hilarious conversations he has with 5-year-old daughter and folks are cracking up
"Why do people congratulate you when Mom is making the baby?
All parents have had similar convos with thier kiddos.
Raising kids is tough, but there's a lot of laughs along the way. Especially when actual conversations start, as kids begin trying to make sense out of the world around them, ask questions, and test mommy and daddy's resolve.
Back in 2018, comedy writer and children's book author James Breakwell, with four daughters who were all under the age of eight at the time, shared their hilarious conversations on X. From these tweets, it looks like comedy runs in the family. Here's a sampling of some Breakwell's funniest kid-inspired tweets.
Me: What did you do at school today?
5-year-old: Learned about dragons.
Me: Your class learned about dragons?
5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2018
5-year-old: *stares off into space*
Me: What's wrong?
5: What happens if a kangaroo jumps on a trampoline?
Me: *stares off into space, too*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 7, 2017
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she's already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 19, 2015
3-year-old: Do boys like Frozen?
5-year-old: Nobody cares what boys like.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 28, 2018
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 7, 2015
5-year-old daughter: I think a boy likes me. He drew me a dinosaur.
Me: That could mean anything.
5: The dinosaur had a hat.
Oh shit.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 25, 2015
[watching a guy on TV do CPR]
5-year-old daughter: Why is he kissing her?
Me: He's not. He's saving her life.
5: I'd rather die.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2016
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 6, 2015
5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?
Me: I helped
5: How?
Me:
5:
Me: I read her the instructions
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 5, 2015
Me: Who's your favorite in the new Star Wars movie?
5-year-old: Kylo Ren
I'm suddenly very concerned with where our relationship is headed
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 9, 2016
Me: What happened on the coffee table?
5-year-old daughter: Elsa killed all the stormtroopers. pic.twitter.com/36hCfd1z5s
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 25, 2015
5-year-old: I'm writing a book.
Me: What's it called?
5: I Ate Too Many Cupcakes.
Me: Oh.
5: It's just pretend because you can never eat too many cupcakes.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2018
5-year-old: *eats a cupcake for breakfast*
Me: Cupcakes aren't a breakfast food.
5: I know. They're an all-day food.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 10, 2018
Me: It snowed last night.
5-year-old: *flops on the floor* We already did winter.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 9, 2018
Me: You're still in your pajamas.
5-year-old: I'll get dressed soon.
Me: It's 4 in the afternoon.
5: Don't rush me.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2018
[spring break]
5-year-old: When do we have to go back to school?
Me: Monday.
5: *slides me a penny* When now?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 4, 2018
Me: Wake up. Time to get dressed.
5-year-old: Not again.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 27, 2018
5-year-old: *won't get out of bed*
Me: I don't want to fight you every morning.
5: Then let me win.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 4, 2018
Me: Why are you being mean?
5-year-old: I ran out of nice.
It's going to be a long night.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2018
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2018
5-year-old: Can we have pizza?
Me: We just had pizza yesterday.
5: The pizza doesn't know that.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2018
Me: Hurry.
5-year-old: I am.
Me: You're still in bed.
5: I'm sleeping faster.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2018
5-year-old: Leprechauns are fairies.
Me: They are?
5: I thought you went to college.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 17, 2018
5-year-old: Do I have to change my name if I get married?
Me: Only if you want to.
5: Call me Shredder.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 20, 2018
While Breakwell's 7-year-old wasn't as heavily featured, when she was quoted, the sarcasm was palpable. Which makes sense, considering that kiddos begin understanding this mechanism around that age.
Me: *gets burned by bacon grease* Ow!
7-year-old: Love hurts.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 2, 2017
Me: What are you doing?
7-year-old: Counting the presents under the tree.
Me: There aren't any presents under the tree.
7: I know.
Passive aggressive level 9000.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2017
3-year-old: *holds up a baby doll* What's her name?
Me: She doesn't have one. You can name her.
3: *kissing baby* I love you, Stupid Face.
She'll make a great mother.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2017
7-year-old: I'm glad I'm not a boy.
Me: Why?
7: I like being smart.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 1, 2017
3-year-old: Mommy married you.
Me: Yeah.
3: Why?
Wife: Nobody knows.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 31, 2018
2-year-old: *touches my beard* It's soft like a kitty.
Me: You mean rugged and manly.
2: Purrrr.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 3, 2017
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 2, 2014
4-year-old: Why do you go to work?
Me: They pay me a salary.
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: I don’t even like celery.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2015
3-year-old daughter: Will I have a baby in my belly someday?
Me: If you want to.
3: No thanks. That's where I put my candy.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 5, 2016
7-year-old: Why do we have to dress up?
Me: It's Easter.
7: Jesus just wore robes.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 1, 2018
Me: Do you know why they call it Good Friday?
7-year-old: There's no school.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 30, 2018
7-year-old: Why does my teacher keep testing what I know?
Me: What should she do?
7: Trust me.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 28, 2018
7-year-old: You should let me eat more candy.
Me: Why?
7: Then you won't eat it.
She's my new diet plan.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2018
Kids really do say the darnedest things, and we love them for it. It one of the many, many ways then bring so much joy to the world. It almost makes up for the headaches and sleepless nights, doesn't it.
This article originally appeared seven years ago.
Men try to read the most disturbing comments women get online back to them.
If you wouldn't say it to their faces, don't type it.
This isn’t comfortable to talk about.
Trigger warning for discussion of sexual assault and violence.
in 2016, a video by Just Not Sports took two prominent female sportswriters and had regular guys* read the awful abuse they receive online aloud.
Sportswriters Sarah Spain and Julie DiCaro sat by as men read some of the most vile tweets they receive on a daily basis. See how long you can last watching it.
*(Note: The men reading them did not write these comments; they're just being helpful volunteers to prove a point.)
It starts out kind of jokey but eventually devolves into messages like this:
Awful.
All images and GIFs from Just Not Sports/YouTube.
These types of messages come in response to one thing: The women were doing their jobs.
Those wishes that DiCaro would die by hockey stick and get raped? Those were the result of her simply reporting on the National Hockey League's most disturbing ordeal: the Patrick Kane rape case, in which one of the league's top players was accused of rape.
DiCaro wasn't writing opinion pieces. She was simply reporting things like what the police said, statements from lawyers, and just general everyday work reporters do. In response, she received a deluge of death threats. Her male colleagues didn't receive nearly the same amount of abuse.
It got to the point where she and her employer thought it best for her to stay home for a day or two for her own physical safety.
The men in the video seemed absolutely shocked that real live human beings would attack someone simply for doing their job.
Not saying it.
All images and GIFs from Just Not Sports/YouTube.
Most found themselves speechless or, at very least, struggling to read the words being presented.
It evoked shame and sympathy.
All images and GIFs from Just Not Sports/YouTube.
Think this is all just anecdotal? There's evidence to the contrary.
The Guardian did a study to find out how bad this problem really is. They combed through more than 70 million comments that have been posted on their site since 2006 and counted the number of comments that violated their comment policy and were blocked.
The stats were staggering.
From their comprehensive and disturbing article:
If you can’t say it to their face... don’t type it.
All images and GIFs from Just Not Sports/YouTube.
So, what can people do about this kind of harassment once they know it exists?
There are no easy answers. But the more people who know this behavior exists, the more people there will be to tell others it's not OK to talk to anyone like that.
Watch the whole video below:
This article originally appeared nine years ago.