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A viral post argues East Coast folks are better people even if they aren't as 'nice' as those out West

It's sparked a "nice vs. kind" debate from people across the country.

A viral post argues East Coast folks are better people even if they aren't as 'nice' as those out West
OnlMaps/Twitter, Jordan Green/Twitter, Mike DeAngelo/Twitter

Having lived in small towns and large cities in the Pacific Northwest, Southwest, and Midwest, and after spending a year traveling around the U.S. with my family, I've seen first-hand that Americans have much more in common than not. I've also gotten to experience some of the cultural differences, subtle and not-so-subtle, real and not-so-real, that exist in various parts of the country.

Some of those differences are being discussed in a viral thread on Twitter. Self-described "West coaster" Jordan Green kicked it off with an observation about East coasters being kind and West coasters being nice, which then prompted people to share their own social experiences in various regions around the country.

Green wrote:

"When I describe East Coast vs West Coast culture to my friends I often say 'The East Coast is kind but not nice, the West Coast is nice but not kind,' and East Coasters immediately get it. West Coasters get mad.

Niceness is saying 'I'm so sorry you're cold,' while kindness may be 'Ugh, you've said that five times, here's a sweater!' Kindness is addressing the need, regardless of tone.

I'm a West Coaster through and through—born and raised in San Francisco, moved to Portland for college, and now live in Seattle. We're nice, but we're not kind. We'll listen to your rant politely, smile, and then never speak to you again. We hit mute in real life. ALOT.

So often, we West Coasters think that showing *sympathy* or feeling *empathy* is an act of kindness. Sadly, it's really just a nice act. Kindness is making sure the baby has a hat. (s/o to breenewsome and BlackAmazon)

When you translate this to institutions or policy, you'll see alot of nice words being used, & West Coast liberals/radicals are really good at *sounding* nice. But I've seen organizers & activists from other places get frustrated because nothing happens after ALOT of talk.

Nothing happens after the pronoun check-ins and the icebreakers. It's rare we make sure that people's immediate needs are addressed. There's no kindness. You have people show up to meetings hungry, or needing rides home, and watching those with means freeze when asked to help.

As we begin to 'get back a sense of normalcy' or 're-calibrate' to what people in Blue States™ think is Right™ and Just™, I want us to keep in mind the difference between Niceness and Kindness. If something sounds nice, doesn't mean that it's kind."

Of course, there are genuinely kind and surface nice people everywhere you go, so no one should take these observations as a personal affront to them individually. Generalizations that lead to stereotypes are inherently problematic, and broad strokes like "East coast" and "West coast" are also somewhat meaningless, so they should taken with a grain of salt as well.

In reality, a small town in South Carolina is probably more culturally similar to a small town in Eastern Oregon than it is to New York City, and there are some strong differences between various subregions as well. A more specific cultural comparison, such as "big cities on the West coast vs. big cities in the Northeast" might be more accurate as far as generalizations go, but regardless, many people related to Green's observations based on their own experiences.

To kick things off, a slew of responses poured in from people describing how New Yorkers can be cold on the surface while simultaneously reaching out their hand to help you.

Several people explained that the hustle required to afford the expense of living in New York explains why people skip the niceties. It's about valuing people's time; wasting it with nice words is ruder than just quickly helping out and then moving on.

Many people chimed in with agreement with the original post (even some Canadians confirming that their East/West differences aligned with ours).

"No sense of urgency" is definitely a West coast vibe, but is generally viewed a positive out here. And "inconveniencing everyone around them" might be a subjective observation. Maybe.

Plenty of people with bicoastal experience weighed in with their stories of how their experiences lined up with the basic premise of the thread, though.

Though certainly not universally true, the tendency for West coasters to be more hands-off might extend back to the frontier days. The pioneer and gold rush mindset was necessarily individualistic and self-sufficient. In my experience, West coasters assume you don't need help unless you directly ask for it. But people don't ask because of the individualistic and self-sufficient thing, so automatic helpfulness just hasn't become part of the dominant culture.

Things got even more interesting once the South and Midwest entered the chat.

But the takes on warm/nice/kind thing varied quite a bit.

One thing that seems quite clear if you read through the various responses to the thread is that specific states and cities seem to have their own cultures that don't break down as simply as East/West/Midwest/South. There's an entire book about how the U.S. can actually be subdivided into 11 different regions that are almost like nations unto themselves. Even this map from 1940 included 34 different cultural regions in the U.S.

And don't even get a Californian started on the differences between Northern CA, Southern CA, and the Central Valley. "Culture" can even be narrowed down even to specific neighborhoods, and people's experiences and perceptions vary for all kinds of reasons, so once again, generalizations only go so far before they fall flat.

If you're curious about what the data says about all of this, a cursory search of surveys about which states are the kindest brings up a fairly mixed bag, but people seem to find Minnesota quite friendly. A Wallethub ranking of charitability by state based on 19 factors including volunteerism also placed Minnesota at number one, followed by Utah, Maryland, Oregon, and Ohio. Pretty hard to make a regional generalization with those states.

Then again, there's the whole "Minnesota nice" thing, which brings us full circle back to the original thread.

So many elements go into the culture of a place, from population density to the history of settlement to the individual personalities of the people who make someplace their home. And nothing is set in stone—the atmosphere of a place can change over time, as anyone who's visited a city a decade or two apart can attest.

One thing that's true, no matter where we live, is that we play a role in molding the culture of our immediate surroundings. If we want where we live to be friendlier, we can be friendlier ourselves. If we want to see people help one another, we can serve as that example. We might stand out, but we also might inspire others who yearn for the same thing.

"Be the change" might seem a bit cliche, but it truly is the key to shifting or world in the way we want it to go, no matter what part of the country—or the world—we live in.


This article originally appeared on 01.22.21

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School responded to a parent's book complaint by reading it aloud to the entire student body

What possible issue could a parent have had with this book?

Jess Piper/Twitter

Schools often have to walk a fine line when it comes to parental complaints. Diverse backgrounds, beliefs, and preferences for what kids see and hear will always mean that schools can't please everyone all the time, so educators have to discern what's best for the whole, broad spectrum of kids in their care.

Sometimes, what's best is hard to discern. Sometimes it's absolutely not.

Such was the case when a parent at a St. Louis elementary school complained in a Facebook group about a book that was read to her 7-year-old. The parent wrote:

"Anyone else check out the read a loud book on Canvas for 2nd grade today? Ron's Big Mission was the book that was read out loud to my 7 year old. I caught this after she watched it bc I was working with my 3rd grader. I have called my daughters school. Parents, we have to preview what we are letting the kids see on there."

The book in question, "Ron's Big Mission," highlights a true story from the childhood of Challenger astronaut Ron McNair, who had experienced discrimination as a child in South Carolina because he was Black. In 1959, when he was nine years old, McNair wanted to check out books at the library, but the librarian told him the library didn't loan books to "coloreds." McNair refused to leave the library until he was allowed to check out books. Rather than give him a library card, the librarian called the police, who ultimately convinced her to just let him check out books.

Seriously, what issue could this parent possibly take with such an inspiring story of a kid standing up to injustice and fighting for the right to educate himself? This was a child who single-handedly changed a library's racial segregation policy and grew up to be an astronaut—a genuine, real-life hero. What is there to take issue with? The parent didn't specify, so we're left to conjecture, but if there's any other possible reason than racism, I can't think of one.

Rockwood Education Equity and Diversity Director Brittany Hogan told KMOX News Radio that after hearing of the complaint, other parents responded immediately in the book's defense.

"They were saying this is amazing that they were buying copies of the book," Hogan said. "One of our parents came out and said she was going to purchase a copy for every second-grader at the elementary school that her children attends."

Hogan called McNair a hero and said, "He deserves to be celebrated. His story deserves to be told to our children. It's important that we continue to move in a space that embeds diverse curriculum."

And the school responded in the best possible way—by announcing the book was going to be read aloud to the whole student body via Zoom. That's how you shut down a bigot. Boom.

Here's Pond Elementary Principal Carlos Diaz-Granados reading "Ron's Big Mission" to students via Zoom and sharing why he thinks it's an important book for kids:



- YouTubewww.youtube.com



This article originally appeared on 9.18.23

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Health

The 3-step Harvard conversation trick that makes shy people more likable

This will ease social anxiety at your next party.

via Pavel Danilyuk/Pexels

Two people having a conversation at a party.

Many people, especially those who are introverted and shy, are uncomfortable making small talk with someone new, whether they’re at a party, work event, or just standing in line at the grocery store. However, a Harvard study revealed a simple 3-step trick to make you more likable and conversations more comfortable.

The researchers found that when approaching someone you have never met, asking a question and then 2 follow-up questions dramatically increases your likeability. The study was conducted by Harvard researchers and published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

“We identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking,” the study's authors write. “People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”

How do I make new people like me?

The study should be a big relief to shy people and introverts who are not interested in trying to impress people by going on and on about themselves.

According to the research, when you meet someone new at a party, the important thing is to approach them like it’s an interview, and you are the journalist. You just need one strong opening question and then you can follow up 2 times by asking them to clarify what they meant or expand on something they said.

via Nicole Michalou/Pexels

“Think to yourself, I need to ask at least five questions in this conversation, or I need to ask questions in this conversation, listen to the answers, and ask follow-up questions. It’s easy to do, and — even better — requires almost no preparation,” Alison Wood Brooks, assistant professor and Hellman Faculty Fellow at Harvard Business School and a co-author of the study, said, according to Forbes.

People like those who ask follow-up questions not only because they enjoy talking about themselves. It also shows that their conversation partner is actively listening. They are paying attention, not looking over your shoulder at someone else. “Follow-up questions are an easy and effective way to keep the conversation going and show that the asker has paid attention to what their partner has said,” the researchers write.

The findings counter the strategy many use when meeting someone for the first time, whether on a blind date or at a networking event. For many, the first step is to try and impress the new person, but research shows that’s not the case.

conversation, introverts, harvardTwo people talking at a party.via Antoni Shkraba/Pexels

“The tendency to focus on the self when trying to impress others is misguided,” the study’s authors wrote, adding that “redirecting the topic of conversation to oneself, bragging, boasting or dominating the conversation, tend to decrease liking.”

It’s a pretty simple concept: people like talking about themselves and if you allow them, they’ll like you more. “Compared to those who do not ask many questions, people who do are better liked and learn more information from their conversation partners,” Brooks said. “This strategy does both. It’s an easy-to-deploy strategy anyone can use to not only be perceived as more emotionally intelligent but to actually be more emotionally intelligent as well.”

One of the studies cited by the authors focused on online dating and found that asking follow-up questions meant a greater chance of getting a second date. The researchers found that the top third of question-askers got the most second dates. When researchers looked at face-to-face speed daters, where they met 20 people at a time, they found that asking one more question on each date would help someone succeed in getting a “yes I want to see you again” on one more date.

The 3-question rule has some caveats. You should make sure you're having a conversation, not an interrogation. “Asking a barrage of questions without disclosing information about yourself may come across as guarded, or worse, invasive,” Brooks says.

party, conversastion tips, harvardSome folks having fun at a party.via Pavel Danilyuk/Pexels

How much should I talk in a conversation?

While it’s important to ask questions when you meet someone new, you can’t let them do all the talking. Research shows that the perfect conversation ratio is 43:57. You do 43% of the talking and 57% of the listening. The goal is to make your conversation partner and new friend think, “Wow, that person really gets me” by the time the conversation ends.

The next time you find yourself in a social situation, you can feel a bit more relaxed knowing there is a scientifically proven way to ensure that people will find you likable and a good conversationalist. Remember the three-question rule: Open with a question and then ask 2 follow-ups.

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Couple in their 30s live permanently on cruise ships for a little over $10K a year

“I’m not a millionaire ... I just live full-time on cruise ships.”

via Matthew Barra/Pexels

A magnificent cruise ship on the ocean.

Giving it all up and retiring to live on a cruise ship at 32 seems like a lifestyle choice only available to the ultra-wealthy. However, two financially savvy retired school teachers from Tennessee have managed to do just that, spending under $10,000 for the first eight months at sea.

Monica Brzoska, 32, and Jorrell Conley, 36, met in 2015 while teaching in Memphis, Tennessee. The following year, they booked a week-long cruise to Mexico, Belize, and Grand Cayman. After that, they were hooked on cruising together.

Eight years later, in March 2023, they booked a week-long Caribbean cruise. When it was over, instead of returning home to Memphis, they had a wild idea: Why not continue to book consecutive cruises? So, they did just that.

Monica was inspired to start living the life she always wanted after her father fell ill and her mother told her: "Don't wait for retirement. Follow your dreams."



The couple crunched the numbers and found that if they chose the cheapest cabins and used the deals they’ve received from Carnival Cruises, they could book the first 8 months for just under $10,000. “It sounds mad, but the numbers made sense. Accommodation, food and entertainment would be included – we’d only need spending money,” Brzoska told The Sun. “And because we’d been on so many Carnival cruises, we’d earned access to some amazing offers.”

Hopping from ship to ship isn’t difficult for the couple because many disembark from the same ports. But they sometimes have to fly when they can’t walk to the next ocean liner.

The couple then quit their jobs, sold their possessions, and started a new life on the high seas. They rent out their 3-bedroom home in Memphis to maintain steady cash flow. The average 3-bedroom home in the area rents somewhere between $1200 to $1900 a month.



Over the first year of their new life, the couple completed 36 consecutive cruises. They have already visited countless destinations across the globe, but they can’t choose a favorite. "For a cultural experience, we loved Japan," Brzoska told a Carnival Cruise director on Instagram. The couple also loved Greece for its “history” and Iceland because it was the "closest to being on Mars."

One of the most incredible benefits of loving on a cruise ship is that so many things are taken care of for you. The couple never has to cook any meals, do any laundry or drive. Every night, there is something to do, whether it’s checking out a comedy show or enjoying drinks and dancing in the nightclub.



Plus, on cruises, just about all the costs are covered, so you rarely have to open your wallet. It’s a stress-free, all-inclusive lifestyle. Brzoska says that when you remove the everyday stresses from life, it’s great for your marriage. “Without the daily stresses of life, we rarely argued, but always told each other if we needed space or more time together,” she said.

The couple also makes sure to have one date night a week, during which they dress up and have a nice meal together.

Most people may be unable to give it all up and live their lives hopping from ocean liner to ocean liner. But there’s a great lesson in the story of Brzoska and Conley: You never know how much time you have left, so don’t wait for retirement to live the life of your dreams.

Upworthy has reached out to Brzoska for comment and is still awaiting a response.









Family

Parents applaud a 'hot mess mom' for accurately documenting the chaos of parenting

Every parent has been there.

Canva

There is no time for the perfect mom to be perfect... take it or leave it.

Every parent has been there.

The sink is overflowing with dishes. Legos cover the entire floor, piercing your foot every time you take a step. And you suddenly realize that you've made the kids chicken nuggets and mac n' cheese five nights in a row.

Every parent has moments where it all seems to be spinning out of control.

But this isn't momentary chaos. It doesn't mean everything is unraveling. Turns out this might just be a normal part of parenting.

Mom and blogger Danielle Silverstein made an "admission" on Facebook: "I really AM a hot-mess mom."

The post, on her page called Where the Eff is My Handbook?, detailed a seemingly never-ending list of the ways in which her household is in utter shambles.

"Never once have I thought to myself, 'OMG, I think I’m actually tackling this whole parenthood thing,'" she wrote.

She continued:

"I am that mom who doesn’t do dishes at night before I go to bed. I do dishes when I get around to doing dishes.

I’m that mom who grabs her kids’ clothes out of the dryer in the morning because nothing is folded and put away.

I’m that mom who forgets to send in forms and gets calls reminding me that, yes, I need to send in those forms.

I’m that mom who forgets to RSVP and gets a last minute text asking if my kid is coming to the party.

I’m that mom who packs a crazy, one-food-group lunch because I haven’t gotten around to going food shopping.

I’m that mom who lets her kids have endless screen time sometimes (ok, more than sometimes) just because I don’t feel like fighting and need to get a few things done."

You can read the entire hilarious and all-too-familiar post below:

Ok, full disclosure: I really AM a hot-mess mom.I am consistently five steps behind where I should be in the world of...
Posted by Where The Eff Is My Handbook on Thursday, January 25, 2018

Near the end of the now super-viral post, Silverstein reaches an important realization.

"Do I think I’m a good mom? Yeah, I really do. But I don’t have it all together by any stretch of the imagination," she writes. "And that’s ok, I’m realizing."

Because, despite the overflowing sink and the overdue paperwork, raising happy, healthy kids is what it's really all about:

"I’m also that mom whose kids are safe.

I’m also that mom whose kids are, for the most part, happy.

I’m also that mom whose home has lots of love and laughter.

I’m also that mom who cheers on her kids and is their biggest fan.

I’m also that mom who is constantly working to show her kids they are accepted no matter what.

I’m also that mom who takes her kids to do cool stuff and have great experiences.

I’m also that mom who loves being a mom."

The post has racked up thousands of shares and comments from other parents who want to say, "YES! THANK YOU!"

The truth is that it's never been harder to be a parent. All the usual stuff is still there — the dirty diapers, the tantrums, the picky eaters — but in the age of social media, when every other parent seems to be totally nailing it, the pressure to be "perfect" has never been higher.

Silverstein says enough is enough.

"We don’t deserve to feel down on ourselves," she writes in a Facebook message. "We deserve to feel celebrated. Our job is damn hard."

(That's not an excuse to not try, never feed your kids a single vegetable, or let them get away with whatever they want! But if you have some off-days, you're forgiven.)

We need less carefully filtered Instagrams and more brutal honesty. Silverstein's post was a much-needed rallying cry for moms she calls "hot messes," but in reality are just overworked and under-appreciated.

So let's all raise a glass (or a haphazardly washed sippy cup) to all the parents out there barely holding it together. This one's for you.


This article originally appeared on 01.31.18


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Drew Barrymore makes 'vulnerable' post about taking away her tween daughter's phone

"Within three months, I gathered the data of the texts and behavior. I was shocked by the results."

Photo credit: Canva, www.GlynLowe.com/Wikipedia

"I am going to become the parent I needed, the adult I needed."

As far as modern parenting goes, there’s no tough love quandary quite so universal as setting phone boundaries.

It can be difficult for parents to find the balance between being overly strict, potentially setting their kid’s up to be left out from friends groups, and being far too lax, exposing their still-developing minds to technology’s more harmful characteristics.

Making it even more tricky is the fact that it’s still pretty much the Wild West when it comes to setting said phone boundaries. A parent might think their kid is ready to have a phone, only to realize after the fact that they should have waited.

Then there’s the uncomfortable scenario of taking the phone away and being the bad guy. No parent loves that moment, even if they’re ultimately doing what’s best for their child.

This is a situation experienced by regular parents and celebrity ones alike, apparently.

Recently Drew Barrymore reflected on her own decision to take away her daughter's phone in a "vulnerable" message, captioned “Phone Home,” shared to her Instagram account on Aug 30.

In the lengthy note the "E.T." star noted how the choice was influenced by her own rebellious childhood of "too much access and excess.”

"I wished many times when I was a kid that someone would tell me no," she wrote. "I wanted so badly to rebel all the time, and it was because I had no guardrails."

Barrymore has frequently gotten candid about how being thrust into stardom as a child left her vulnerable to very adult situations and in desperate need of parental guidance. Going to rehabilitation for two years luckily was a “blessing” that gave her a “hard reset.”

And now that she’s a parent herself to two girls, Olive, 12 and Frankie, 10, she sees how phones are a repeat of this "too much access and excess” pattern. Understandably, she wants to be “protective” of her kids to go down the same path she once did.

"Now that I am a mother, I cannot believe I live in a world that I know correlates to my own personal pitfalls and many of my peers who got into too much, too soon,” she wrote.

In regards to her daughter Olive, Barrymore gave her a phone for her 11th birthday because “all her friends had one.” However, the phone was "only to be used on weekends and for a limited time with no social media."

Even with those well intentioned restrictions, Barrymore made troubling discoveries.

"Within three months, I gathered the data of the texts and behavior. I was shocked by the results. Life depended on the phone. Happiness was embedded in it. Life source came from this mini digital box. Moods were dependent on the device."

Wanting to “put a stop to these high stakes emotions flying around,” Barrymore printed out every single text onto paper and handed Olive "a stack of pages,” reminding her that "they're permanent somewhere where we don't see it, so we don't believe in its retraceable and damning nature if we fail digitally to act with decency.”

Barrymore then took the phone away, but made sure to let Olive know that it was not a “punishment on her character." It simply “was not time yet.”

"I want to let parents know that we can live with our children's discomfort in having to wait. We can be vilified and know we are doing what we now know to be a safer, slower and scaffolded approach," she concluded. "I am going to become the parent I needed, the adult I needed."

Barrymore did add that the current relationship most adults have to their phones only sets an example for kids, saying, “we are living in an á la carte system as caretakers, in a modern, fast-moving world where tiny little computers are in every adult’s hands, modeling that it is OK to be attached to a device that is a portal to literally everything.”

But she argues that our own challenges with setting phone boundaries can actually be a point of connection, writing, “we can admit we’re learning, too, especially in tech, and things have to pivot from time to time.”

Barrymore, whose “actions to move forward” included speaking with Apple to “discuss creating a new device without all the trimmings,” isn’t the only adult looking to create more helpful regulations. Many parents are rallying behind causes like the Away for a Day (AFTD) movement, which aims to remove smartphones from the classroom, and the Wait Until 8th organization, which is trying to set 8th grade as the official starting point for kids to receive phones.

Technology is certainly not going away, nor would we want to give up the benefits that it bestows. But certainly, setting regulations, especially for kids, is something that everyone should be thinking of if we want to create a society that uses technology without being controlled by it.

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