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'Marriage: A Story of Love in 28 Parts' has long-time couples rolling

'Marriage: A Story of Love in 28 Parts' has long-time couples rolling

As someone who's been married to the same human for 22 years, I can say with confidence that a big key to marital bliss is to come at it with a sense of humor. Living with and loving someone for life (hopefully) is a shared journey with ups and downs and unexpected detours. The story of that journey is filled with big life events and mundane daily details, and with moments both precious and perturbing.

If you've been married a while, this collection of funny tweets about marriage will hit home. Shared by Joshua Johnson on Facebook, this "Marriage: A Story of Love in 28 Parts" compilation includes universal sentiments, classic spouse conundrums, and pandemic-specific realities for people in long-term love

Here they are, linked to the original tweets so you can follow the creators if you wish, and written out in text for our friends with audio aids. Grab your partner and have a good chuckle at your own expense:



"DATING: can't wait to see you again

MARRIAGE: part of your knee was on my side of the bed again last night"

@TheCatWhisprer

(BTW, you also pulled the covers off me every time you rolled over. Thanks for that. Love you.)

"Marrying someone is easy. Staying married after going to IKEA on a Saturday with an empty stomach, is not." @maryfairybobrry

(Have done this. Can attest it's a mistake.)

"My wife and I play this fun game during quarantine, it's called "Why Are You Doing It That Way?" and there are no winners" –@ericspiegelman

(Pandemic togetherness is so fun, isn't it?)

"Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sounds of their chewing because that's the soundtrack to the rest of your life." @LizerReal

(This is legit advice, young people.)

"There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other." @dadmann_walking

(And the early packer spends six days panicked over the last-minute packer not being packed. Ain't love grand?)

"Marriage is having separate tubes of toothpaste because your spouse squeezes it wrong" @mom_tho

(Always from the bottom, rolling as you go. This is the way.)

"I told my husband I wanted to buy an expensive blender, he said we don't need an expensive blender. Long story short, how long should I wait before I tell him it arrives tomorrow?" @3sunzzz

(Pssst. Don't tell him at all. He might not even notice.)

"Wife: You're doing it wrong.

Me: What?

Wife: *motions vaguely in the direction of my entire life*"

@XplodingUnicorn

(Ouch.)

"My wife said she'd buy her own birthday cake this is a test right" @DadBroDad1

(Yes. Yes it is.)

"Listen: I just found out that my husband eats spaghetti with a spoon so I can't listen to your problems right now." –@thearibradford

(This is just psychopathic behavior, honestly.)

"In 34 years on this planet I've learned one very important lesson that I'm going to pass on to you fellas. She can eat your fries. You cannot eat her fries."–@CrockettForReal

(It's funny because it's true.)

"-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets"

–@Megatronic13

(SHUSSSHHHH.)

"Me:

My wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: (stands up)

Wife: While you're up...."

–@simoncholland

(This one hits a little too close to home. I LIKE SITTING, OKAY?)

"My wife and I are both working from home.

She microwaved fish.

Time to alert HR."

- @Xploding Unicorn

(Or a divorce lawyer. Honestly, woman.)

"Me, giving my husband's eulogy: It's so hard

Husband, from coffin: ᵀʰᵃᵗ'ˢ ʷʰᵃᵗ ˢʰᵉ ˢᵃᶦᵈ."

–@mommajessiec

(Even when he's stiff. That's what she said.)

"I miss how my wife would say "he's a rescue" whenever I misbehaved at parties." –@SladeWentworth

(The pandemic has ruined everything.)

"This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I'm not out of his league." @RachelNoise

(Seriously. COVID ruins every darn thing.)

"MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*"

–@mom_ontherocks

(Ahem. Thanks for the advice, "mom.")

"I have a cold and it's pretty bad but my wife has a husband with a cold and apparently that's way worse." –@simoncholland

(I believe the Latin term for this is spousus patheticus.)

"[my husband has the man flu. After 3 days]:

M: will you please just take medicine??
H: *pouts* fine, what flavor is it??
M: what flav...it's ADULT FLAVORED!"

@jaxwax04

(Case in point.)

"Welcome to marriage. Here's the new way you fold towels." @HenpeckedHal

(And you're pretty much guaranteed to never do it quite right, so don't bother trying.)

"Made it to that level of marriage where you get in trouble for being able to fall asleep so fast." @simoncholland

(Oh, but wait until you find out what you did to piss her off in her dream...)

"My husband: We were way over on groceries last month.
Me: How did THAT happen?
Him: Well we spent like $100 on ice cream sandwiches...
Me: ...
Him: ...babe, that's bad.
Me: I HATE THIS PLACE IT SUCKS HERE"

@thearibradford

(Seriously. I'm a grownup, I do what I want.)

"My wife managed to open a jar of pickles herself and I am now nonessential." thedadvocate01

(It's okay. If you keep on taking out the garbage that she could take out herself, she'll probably keep you around.)

"Husband, "I'm going to the store, do you need anything?"

Me, "A bottle of champagne."

Husband, "Oh, I got you one yesterday.

"Me, "I said what I said.""

@Parkerlawyer

(And I meant what I meant.)

"My wife asked me if she had any 'annoying' habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation." @BattyMclain

(Hey now. Two can play at this game, buddy.)

"Husband: Does it bother you when I —

Me: Yes."

@mommajessiec

(Ouch again.)

"Wife: Are you just going to walk around all day without a shirt on?

Me: Just giving you a show.

Wife: Can I change the channel?"

XplodingUnicorn

(And they lived happily ever after.)

If I've learned anything in two decades of marriage, it's that there are few things a good belly laugh together can't fix. Here's to taking care of one another and finding the humor in marital bliss.

Image from Pixabay.

Under the sea...

True
The Wilderness Society


You're probably familiar with the literary classic "Moby-Dick."

But in case you're not, here's the gist: Moby Dick is the name of a huge albino sperm whale.

(Get your mind outta the gutter.)


There's this dude named Captain Ahab who really really hates the whale, and he goes absolutely bonkers in his quest to hunt and kill it, and then everything is awful and we all die unsatisfied with our shared sad existence and — oops, spoilers!


OK, technically, the narrator Ishmael survives. So it's actually a happy ending (kind of)!

whales, Moby Dick, poaching endangered species

Illustration from an early edition of Moby-Dick

Image from Wikimedia Commons.

Basically, it's a famous book about revenge and obsession that was published back in 1851, and it's really, really long.

It's chock-full of beautiful passages and dense symbolism and deep thematic resonance and all those good things that earned it a top spot in the musty canon of important literature.

There's also a lot of mundane descriptions about the whaling trade as well (like, a lot). That's because it came out back when commercial whaling was still a thing we did.

conservation, ocean water conservation

A non-albino mother and baby sperm whale.

Photo by Gabriel Barathieu/Wikipedia.

In fact, humans used to hunt more than 50,000 whales each year to use for oil, meat, baleen, and oil. (Yes, I wrote oil twice.) Then, in 1946, the International Whaling Commission stepped in and said "Hey, wait a minute, guys. There's only a few handful of these majestic creatures left in the entire world, so maybe we should try to not kill them anymore?"

And even then, commercial whaling was still legal in some parts of the world until as recently as 1986.

International Whaling Commission, harpoons

Tail in the water.

Whale's tail pale ale GIF via GoPro/YouTube

And yet by some miracle, there are whales who were born before "Moby-Dick" was published that are still alive today.

What are the odds of that? Honestly it's hard to calculate since we can't exactly swim up to a bowhead and say, "Hey, how old are you?" and expect a response. (Also that's a rude question — jeez.)

Thanks to some thoughtful collaboration between researchers and traditional Inupiat whalers (who are still allowed to hunt for survival), scientists have used amino acids in the eyes of whales and harpoon fragments lodged in their carcasses to determine the age of these enormous animals — and they found at least three bowhead whales who were living prior to 1850.

Granted those are bowheads, not sperm whales like the fictional Moby Dick, (and none of them are albino, I think), but still. Pretty amazing, huh?

whale blubber, blue whales, extinction

This bowhead is presumably in adolescence, given its apparent underwater moping.

GIF via National Geographic.

This is a particularly remarkable feat considering that the entire species was dwindling near extinction.

Barring these few centenarian leviathans, most of the whales still kickin' it today are between 20 and 70 years old. That's because most whale populations were reduced to 10% or less of their numbers between the 18th and 20th centuries, thanks to a few over-eager hunters (and by a few, I mean all of them).

Today, sperm whales are considered one of the most populous species of massive marine mammals; bowheads, on the other hand, are still in trouble, despite a 20% increase in population since the mid-1980s. Makes those few elderly bowheads that much more impressive, huh?

population, Arctic, Great Australian Blight

Southern Right Whales hangin' with a paddleboarder in the Great Australian Bight.

GIF via Jaimen Hudson.

Unfortunately, just as things are looking up, these wonderful whales are in trouble once again.

We might not need to worry our real-life Captain Ahabs anymore, but our big aquatic buddies are still being threatened by industrialization — namely, from oil drilling in the Arctic and the Great Australian Bight.

In the off-chance that companies like Shell and BP manage not to spill millions of gallons of harmful crude oil into the water, the act of drilling alone is likely to maim or kill millions of animals, and the supposedly-safer sonic blasting will blow out their eardrums or worse.

This influx of industrialization also affects their migratory patterns — threatening not only the humans who depend on them, but also the entire marine ecosystem.

And I mean, c'mon — who would want to hurt this adorable face?

social responsibility, nature, extinction

BOOP.

Image from Pixabay.

Whales might be large and long-living. But they still need our help to survive.

If you want another whale to make it to his two-hundred-and-eleventy-first birthday (which you should because I hear they throw great parties), then sign this petition to protect the waters from Big Oil and other industrial threats.

I guarantee Moby Dick will appreciate it.


This article originally appeared on 11.04.15

National Autistic Society/Youtube

"Diverted" educational video shared through the Too Much Information Campaign.

Everyone who lives with autism experiences it somewhat differently. You'll often hear physicians and advocates refer to the spectrum that exists for those who are autistic, pointing to a wide range of symptoms and skills.

But one thing many autistic people experience is sensory processing issues.


For autistic people, processing the world around them when it comes to sight, smell, or touch can be challenging, as their senses are often over- or under-sensitive. Certain situations — like meandering through a congested mall or enduring the nonstop blasting of police sirens — can quickly become unbearable.

This reality is brought to life in a new video by the U.K.'s National Autistic Society (NAS).

The eye-opening PSA takes viewers into the mind of a autistic woman as she thinks about struggling to stay composed in a crowded, noisy train.

It's worth a watch:

The PSA hit especially close to home for 22-year-old actress and star of the video Saskia Lupin, who is autistic herself. "Overall I feel confused," she said, of abrupt changes to her routine. "Like I can't do anything and all sense of rationality is lost."

She's not alone.

According to a study cited in NAS' press release, 75% of autistic people say unexpected changes make them feel socially isolated. What's more, 67% reported seeing or hearing negative reactions from the public when they try to calm themselves down in such situations — from eyerolls and stares to unwelcome, hurtful comments.

The new PSA aims to improve that last figure in particular.

It's part of the organization's Too Much Information campaign — an initiative to build empathy and understanding in allistic (i.e., not autistic) people for those on the spectrum.

Autism Awareness Day, campaign, World Autism Awareness Week

Campaign by National Autistic Society created to share the autistic experience to the world.

Photo from Pixabay

"It isn't that the public sets out to be judgmental towards autistic people," Mark Lever, chief executive of the NAS, said in a statement in 2016. It's just that, often, the public doesn't "see" the autism.

"They see a 'strange' man pacing back and forth in a shopping center," Lever explained, "or a 'naughty' girl having a tantrum on a bus, and don't know how to respond."

Well, now we do.

Instead of staring, rolling your eyes, or thinking judgmental thoughts about the young person's parents, remember: You have no idea what that stranger on the train is going through.

“We can't make the trains run on time," said Lever. But even the simplest, smallest things — like remembering not to stare and giving a person some space and compassion if they need it — can make a big difference.


This article originally appeared on 03.28.18

Joy

Pet cockatiel is obsessed with singing 'September' by Earth, Wind and Fire

Kiki remembers the 21st night of September ALL. THE. TIME. and it's actually quite impressive.

Representative hoto by Saqib Iqbal Digital on Unsplash

Apparently, "September" is all the rage with cockatiels.

“Do you remember…the 21st night of September?” has been one of the most iconic song openings of the past 45 years, as the R&B hit by Earth, Wind and Fire perpetually serves as a catchy favorite for dance clubs, movie scenes and TikTok clips alike.

However, "September" has also gained wild popularity among an unlikely group—pet cockatiels.


One cockatiel in particular has taken a shining to the song to the point of obsession, to the combined delight and chagrin of his owner. You see, Kiki doesn’t just like listening to the song, he sings and dances to it. Loudly. Over and over. At uncomfortable hours of the morning.

Kiki’s owner has shared multiple examples of her pet bird reveling in his favorite song, and it’s hilarious every time.

Watch:

@kiki.tiel

Send help plz wheres the off button on parrot #fyp #foryou #bird #cockatiel #parrotsoftiktok #birdsoftiktok

"Kiki…it's 7 o'clock in the morning…" Yeah, Kiki does not care. Kiki is feelin' the groove.

This isn't just a one-off and it's also not just a random song. Here we can see that Kiki recognizes it and sings it when his owner plays it. (Just after pooing on her leg—the reality of having a bird, in case these videos make you want one).

@kiki.tiel

Babywipes handy at all hours 🫡 #bird #cockatiel #fyp #foryou #september #parrot

But Kiki doesn't even need anyone else around in order to sing his favorite song. Here he is singing and dancing all by himself when his owner left the room and left her camera running to see what he would do.

@kiki.tiel

Partying without me :( #cockatielsoftiktok #birds #fyp #for you

As cute and hilarious as this is, it surely gets old after a while, right? It's one thing to watch in a video—it's got to be entirely another to hear it all the time at home.

It's also not just a Kiki quirk. Apparently, "September" is a "thing" among cockatiels. Other cockatiels have been known to love it and sing it, though not quite as well as Kiki does.

Someone on Reddit asked why so many cockatiels love the song—one person even said it was basically the cockatiel national anthem at this point. No one knows exactly why, but this explanation by Reddit user nattiecakes is as good an explanation as any:

"Yeah, cockatiels genuinely like the song in a way they don’t universally take to many other songs. My cockatiel is 17 and early in life basically seemed to max out his harddrive space learning a little bit of La Cucaracha, The Flintstones theme, the phrase 'pretty bird,' and this horrible alarm clock sound that is similar to the hungry baby cockatiel sound. We thought we could not get him to learn anything else because they do have some limits.

Then 'September' came. Every cockatiel loved it. We decided to see if our cockatiel loved it.

I sh*t y’all not, within a DAY he whistled the first three notes, which is really all that matters. He hasn’t been able to learn more, but he loves it.

Now our African grey whistles it to him constantly. He used to reliably whistle La Cucaracha to our cockatiel when our cockatiel would get angry and upset, and our cockatiel would start singing instead and forget he’d been upset. But almost immediately our grey switched to using 'September' 90% of the time. Like, it’s so plain even to our grey that 'September' is the song to unlock a cockatiel’s better nature. I think the grey likes it a lot too, but he has many other songs he likes better.

As for why cockatiels like this song so much… all I can guess is it really resonates with their cheery vibe. I think the inside of a cockatiel’s mind is usually like a disco."

Rock on, Kiki. Just maybe not so early in the morning.

How to clear a stuffy nose instantly.

With cold season upon us, there's no better time to learn a couple of awesome and easy tricks that will clear up the dreaded and annoying stuffy nose.

Prevention magazine created a short video showing two easy ways to get you breathing free again no matter how stuffed up you might be.


Both tricks take less than two minutes and are certainly worth trying out when it feels like that runny nose might never go away.


Watch the YouTube video below:

This article first appeared on 9.8.17.

Pop Culture

A brave fan asks Patrick Stewart a question he doesn't usually get and is given a beautiful answer

Patrick Stewart often talks about his childhood and the torment his father put him and his mother through.

Patrick Stewart often talks about his childhood and the torment his father put him and his mother through. However, how he answered this vulnerable and brave fan's question is one of the most eloquent, passionate responses about domestic violence I've ever seen.



WARNING: At 2:40, he's going to break your heart a little.

You can read more about Heather Skye's hug with Captain Picard at her blog.


This article originally appeared on 06.26.13.