'Marriage: A Story of Love in 28 Parts' has long-time couples rolling

As someone who's been married to the same human for 22 years, I can say with confidence that a big key to marital bliss is to come at it with a sense of humor. Living with and loving someone for life (hopefully) is a shared journey with ups and downs and unexpected detours. The story of that journey is filled with big life events and mundane daily details, and with moments both precious and perturbing.

If you've been married a while, this collection of funny tweets about marriage will hit home. Shared by Joshua Johnson on Facebook, this "Marriage: A Story of Love in 28 Parts" compilation includes universal sentiments, classic spouse conundrums, and pandemic-specific realities for people in long-term love

Here they are, linked to the original tweets so you can follow the creators if you wish, and written out in text for our friends with audio aids. Grab your partner and have a good chuckle at your own expense:



"DATING: can't wait to see you again

MARRIAGE: part of your knee was on my side of the bed again last night"

@TheCatWhisprer

(BTW, you also pulled the covers off me every time you rolled over. Thanks for that. Love you.)

"Marrying someone is easy. Staying married after going to IKEA on a Saturday with an empty stomach, is not." @maryfairybobrry

(Have done this. Can attest it's a mistake.)

"My wife and I play this fun game during quarantine, it's called "Why Are You Doing It That Way?" and there are no winners" –@ericspiegelman

(Pandemic togetherness is so fun, isn't it?)

"Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sounds of their chewing because that's the soundtrack to the rest of your life." @LizerReal

(This is legit advice, young people.)

"There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other." @dadmann_walking

(And the early packer spends six days panicked over the last-minute packer not being packed. Ain't love grand?)

"Marriage is having separate tubes of toothpaste because your spouse squeezes it wrong" @mom_tho

(Always from the bottom, rolling as you go. This is the way.)

"I told my husband I wanted to buy an expensive blender, he said we don't need an expensive blender. Long story short, how long should I wait before I tell him it arrives tomorrow?" @3sunzzz

(Pssst. Don't tell him at all. He might not even notice.)

"Wife: You're doing it wrong.

Me: What?

Wife: *motions vaguely in the direction of my entire life*"

@XplodingUnicorn

(Ouch.)

"My wife said she'd buy her own birthday cake this is a test right" @DadBroDad1

(Yes. Yes it is.)

"Listen: I just found out that my husband eats spaghetti with a spoon so I can't listen to your problems right now." –@thearibradford

(This is just psychopathic behavior, honestly.)

"In 34 years on this planet I've learned one very important lesson that I'm going to pass on to you fellas. She can eat your fries. You cannot eat her fries." –@CrockettForReal

(It's funny because it's true.)

"-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets"

–@Megatronic13

(SHUSSSHHHH.)

"Me:

My wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: (stands up)

Wife: While you're up...."

–@simoncholland

(This one hits a little too close to home. I LIKE SITTING, OKAY?)

"My wife and I are both working from home.

She microwaved fish.

Time to alert HR."

- @Xploding Unicorn

(Or a divorce lawyer. Honestly, woman.)

"Me, giving my husband's eulogy: It's so hard

Husband, from coffin: ᵀʰᵃᵗ'ˢ ʷʰᵃᵗ ˢʰᵉ ˢᵃᶦᵈ."

–@mommajessiec

(Even when he's stiff. That's what she said.)

"I miss how my wife would say "he's a rescue" whenever I misbehaved at parties." –@SladeWentworth

(The pandemic has ruined everything.)

"This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I'm not out of his league." @RachelNoise

(Seriously. COVID ruins every darn thing.)

"MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*"

–@mom_ontherocks

(Ahem. Thanks for the advice, "mom.")

"I have a cold and it's pretty bad but my wife has a husband with a cold and apparently that's way worse." –@simoncholland

(I believe the Latin term for this is spousus patheticus.)

"[my husband has the man flu. After 3 days]:

M: will you please just take medicine??
H: *pouts* fine, what flavor is it??
M: what flav...it's ADULT FLAVORED!"

@jaxwax04

(Case in point.)

"Welcome to marriage. Here's the new way you fold towels." @HenpeckedHal

(And you're pretty much guaranteed to never do it quite right, so don't bother trying.)

"Made it to that level of marriage where you get in trouble for being able to fall asleep so fast." @simoncholland

(Oh, but wait until you find out what you did to piss her off in her dream...)

"My husband: We were way over on groceries last month.
Me: How did THAT happen?
Him: Well we spent like $100 on ice cream sandwiches...
Me: ...
Him: ...babe, that's bad.
Me: I HATE THIS PLACE IT SUCKS HERE"

@thearibradford

(Seriously. I'm a grownup, I do what I want.)

"My wife managed to open a jar of pickles herself and I am now nonessential." thedadvocate01

(It's okay. If you keep on taking out the garbage that she could take out herself, she'll probably keep you around.)

"Husband, "I'm going to the store, do you need anything?"

Me, "A bottle of champagne."

Husband, "Oh, I got you one yesterday.

"Me, "I said what I said.""

@Parkerlawyer

(And I meant what I meant.)

"My wife asked me if she had any 'annoying' habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation." @BattyMclain

(Hey now. Two can play at this game, buddy.)

"Husband: Does it bother you when I —

Me: Yes."

@mommajessiec

(Ouch again.)

"Wife: Are you just going to walk around all day without a shirt on?

Me: Just giving you a show.

Wife: Can I change the channel?"

XplodingUnicorn

(And they lived happily ever after.)

If I've learned anything in two decades of marriage, it's that there are few things a good belly laugh together can't fix. Here's to taking care of one another and finding the humor in marital bliss.

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Amazon

Shopping sustainably is increasingly important given the severity of the climate crisis, but sometimes it's hard to know where to turn. Thankfully, Amazon is making it a little easier to browse thousands of products that have one or more of 19 sustainability certifications that help preserve the natural world.

The online retailer recently announced Climate Pledge Friendly, a program to make it easier for customers to discover and shop for more sustainable products. To determine the sustainability of a product, the program partnered with third-party certifications, including governmental agencies, nonprofits, and independent labs.

With a selection of items spanning grocery, household, fashion, beauty, and personal electronics, you'll be able to shop more sustainably not just for the holiday season, but throughout the year for your essentials, as well.

You can browse all of the Climate Pledge Friendly products here, labeled with an icon and which certification(s) they meet. To get you on your way to shopping more sustainably, we've rounded up eight of our favorite Climate Pledge Friendly-products that will make great gifts all year long.

Amazon

Jack Wolfskin Women's North York Coat

Give the gift of warmth and style with this coat, available in a variety of colors. Sustainability is built into all Jack Wolfskin products and each item comes with a code that lets you trace back to its origins and understand how it was made.

Bluesign: Bluesign products are responsibly manufactured by using safer chemicals and fewer resources, including less energy, in production.


Amazon

Amazon All-new Echo Dot (4th Gen)

For the tech-obsessed. This Alexa smart speaker, which comes in a sleek, compact design, lets you voice control your entertainment and your smart home as well as connect with others.

Reducing CO2: Products with this certification reduce their carbon footprint year after year. Certified by the Carbon Trust.


Amazon

Burt's Bees Family Jammies Matching Holiday Organic Cotton Pajamas

Get into the holiday spirit with these fun matching PJs for the whole family. Perfect for pictures that even Fido can get in on.

Global Organic Textile Standard: This certifies each step of the organic textile supply chain against strict ecological and social standards. Each product with this certification contains 95%-100% organic content.

Amazon

Naturistick 5-Pack Lip Balm Gift Set

With 100% natural ingredients that are gentle on ultra-sensitive lips, this gift is a great gift for the whole family.

Compact by Design (Certified by Amazon): Products with this certification are packaged without excess air and water, which reduces the carbon footprint of shipping and packaging.


Amazon

Arus Women's GOTS Certified Organic Cotton Hooded Full Length Turkish Bathrobe

For those who love to lounge around, this full-length organic cotton bathrobe is the way to go. Available in five different colors, it has comfortable cuffed sleeves, a hood, pockets, and adjustable belt.

Global Organic Textile Standard: This certifies each step of the organic textile supply chain against strict ecological and social standards. Each product with this certification contains 95%-100% organic content.

Amazon

L'Occitane Extra-Gentle Vegetable Based Soap

This luxe soap, made with moisturizing shea butter and scented with verbena, is perfect for the self-care obsessed.

Compact by Design (Certified by Amazon): Products with this certification are packaged without excess air and water, which reduces the carbon footprint of shipping and packaging.

Amazon

Goodthreads Men's Sweater-Knit Fleece Long-Sleeve Bomber

For the fashionable men in your life, this fashion-forward knit bomber is an excellent choice. The sweater material keeps it cozy and warm, while the bomber jacket-cut, zip front, and rib-trim neck make it look elevated.

Recycled Claim Standard 100: Products with this certification use materials made from at least 95% recycled content.

Amazon

All-new Fire TV Stick with Alexa Voice Remote

Make it even easier to access your favorite movies and shows this holiday season. The new Fire TV Stick lets you use your voice to search across apps. Plus it controls the power and volume on your TV, so you'll never need to leave the couch! Except for snacks.

Reducing CO2: Products with this certification reduce their carbon footprint year after year. Certified by the Carbon Trust.

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If the past year has taught us nothing else, it's that sending love out into the world through selfless acts of kindness can have a positive ripple effect on people and communities. People all over the United States seemed to have gotten the message — 71% of those surveyed by the World Giving Index helped a stranger in need in 2020. A nonprofit survey found 90% helped others by running errands, calling, texting and sending care packages. Many people needed a boost last year in one way or another and obliging good neighbors heeded the call over and over again — and continue to make a positive impact through their actions in this new year.

Upworthy and P&G Good Everyday wanted to help keep kindness going strong, so they partnered up to create the Lead with Love Fund. The fund awards do-gooders in communities around the country with grants to help them continue on with their unique missions. Hundreds of nominations came pouring in and five winners were selected based on three criteria: the impact of action, uniqueness, and "Upworthy-ness" of their story.

Here's a look at the five winners:

Edith Ornelas, co-creator of Mariposas Collective in Memphis, Tenn.

Edith Ornelas has a deep-rooted connection to the asylum-seeking immigrant families she brings food and supplies to families in Memphis, Tenn. She was born in Jalisco, Mexico, and immigrated to the United States when she was 7 years old with her parents and sister. Edith grew up in Chicago, then moved to Memphis in 2016, where she quickly realized how few community programs existed for immigrants. Two years later, she helped create Mariposas Collective, which initially aimed to help families who had just been released from detention centers and were seeking asylum. The collective started out small but has since grown to approximately 400 volunteers.