As someone who's been married to the same human for 22 years, I can say with confidence that a big key to marital bliss is to come at it with a sense of humor. Living with and loving someone for life (hopefully) is a shared journey with ups and downs and unexpected detours. The story of that journey is filled with big life events and mundane daily details, and with moments both precious and perturbing.
If you've been married a while, this collection of funny tweets about marriage will hit home. Shared by Joshua Johnson on Facebook, this "Marriage: A Story of Love in 28 Parts" compilation includes universal sentiments, classic spouse conundrums, and pandemic-specific realities for people in long-term love
Here they are, linked to the original tweets so you can follow the creators if you wish, and written out in text for our friends with audio aids. Grab your partner and have a good chuckle at your own expense:
"DATING: can't wait to see you again
MARRIAGE: part of your knee was on my side of the bed again last night"
(BTW, you also pulled the covers off me every time you rolled over. Thanks for that. Love you.)
DATING: can’t wait to see you again MARRIAGE: part of your knee was on my side of the bed again last night— mark (@mark) 1598015813.0
(Have done this. Can attest it's a mistake.)
Marrying someone is easy. Staying married after going to IKEA on a Saturday with an empty stomach, is not.— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️) 1583260472.0
"My wife and I play this fun game during quarantine, it's called "Why Are You Doing It That Way?" and there are no winners" –@ericspiegelman
(Pandemic togetherness is so fun, isn't it?)
My wife and I play this fun game during quarantine, it's called "Why Are You Doing It That Way?" and there are no winners— Eric Spiegelman (@Eric Spiegelman) 1586021089.0
(This is legit advice, young people.)
Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sounds of their chewing because that's the soundtrack to the rest of your life.— Lil Bit 🌈 (@Lil Bit 🌈) 1602856727.0
"There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other." –@dadmann_walking
(And the early packer spends six days panicked over the last-minute packer not being packed. Ain't love grand?)
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and real… https://t.co/XSwiWA5WGr— Dadman Walking (@Dadman Walking) 1594526481.0
(Always from the bottom, rolling as you go. This is the way.)
Marriage is having separate tubes of toothpaste because your spouse squeezes it wrong— That Mom Tho (@That Mom Tho) 1588707901.0
(Pssst. Don't tell him at all. He might not even notice.)
I told my husband I wanted to buy an expensive blender, he said we don't need an expensive blender. Long story shor… https://t.co/UJYwai2JXU— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭) 1585835742.0
"Wife: You're doing it wrong.
Wife: *motions vaguely in the direction of my entire life*"
Wife: You're doing it wrong. Me: What? Wife: *motions vaguely in the direction of my entire life*— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1578326529.0
(Yes. Yes it is.)
My wife said she’d buy her own birthday cake this is a test right— DadBroDad (@DadBroDad) 1590457633.0
"Listen: I just found out that my husband eats spaghetti with a spoon so I can't listen to your problems right now." –@thearibradford
(This is just psychopathic behavior, honestly.)
Listen: I just found out that my husband eats spaghetti with a spoon so I can’t listen to your problems right now.— Arianna Bradford (@Arianna Bradford) 1589504089.0
"In 34 years on this planet I've learned one very important lesson that I'm going to pass on to you fellas. She can eat your fries. You cannot eat her fries." –@CrockettForReal
(It's funny because it's true.)
In 34 years on this planet I’ve learned one very important lesson that I’m going to pass on to you fellas. She can… https://t.co/aA5DTur724— Crockett🍀 (@Crockett🍀) 1597695841.0
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets"
-commercial break- Husband: *silent* -fight scene- Husband: *completely and utterly silent* -quiet dialogue sce… https://t.co/UnOcemL5HX— Sassparilla (@Sassparilla) 1582605226.0
Me: (stands up)
Wife: While you're up...."
(This one hits a little too close to home. I LIKE SITTING, OKAY?)
"My wife and I are both working from home.
She microwaved fish.
Time to alert HR."
(Or a divorce lawyer. Honestly, woman.)
My wife and I are both working from home. She microwaved fish. Time to alert HR.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1599073514.0
"Me, giving my husband's eulogy: It's so hard
Husband, from coffin: ᵀʰᵃᵗ'ˢ ʷʰᵃᵗ ˢʰᵉ ˢᵃᶦᵈ."
(Even when he's stiff. That's what she said.)
Me, giving my husband’s eulogy: It’s so hard Husband, from coffin: ᵀʰᵃᵗ’ˢ ʷʰᵃᵗ ˢʰᵉ ˢᵃᶦᵈ.— Jessie (@Jessie) 1590457633.0
"I miss how my wife would say "he's a rescue" whenever I misbehaved at parties." –@SladeWentworth
(The pandemic has ruined everything.)
I miss how my wife would say “he’s a rescue” whenever I misbehaved at parties.— The Dad Briefs™ (@The Dad Briefs™) 1598650250.0
(Seriously. COVID ruins every darn thing.)
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.— Rachel Noise (@Rachel Noise) 1586808448.0
"MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*"
(Ahem. Thanks for the advice, "mom.")
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves Me: *watching my husband take off his socks… https://t.co/PnNmIWGyo4— Mom On The Rocks (@Mom On The Rocks) 1578443058.0
"I have a cold and it's pretty bad but my wife has a husband with a cold and apparently that's way worse." –@simoncholland
(I believe the Latin term for this is spousus patheticus.)
I have a cold and it’s pretty bad but my wife has a husband with a cold and apparently that’s way worse.— Simon Holland (@Simon Holland) 1578078550.0
M: will you please just take medicine??
H: *pouts* fine, what flavor is it??
M: what flav...it's ADULT FLAVORED!"
(Case in point.)
[my husband has the man flu. After 3 days]: M: will you please just take medicine?? H: *pouts* fine, what flavor… https://t.co/IBmqbIt03Y— Jacki (@Jacki) 1588209312.0
(And you're pretty much guaranteed to never do it quite right, so don't bother trying.)
Welcome to marriage. Here's the new way you fold towels.— Henpecked Hal (@Henpecked Hal) 1593622059.0
(Oh, but wait until you find out what you did to piss her off in her dream...)
Made it to that level of marriage where you get in trouble for being able to fall asleep so fast.— Simon Holland (@Simon Holland) 1537705542.0
"My husband: We were way over on groceries last month.
Me: How did THAT happen?
Him: Well we spent like $100 on ice cream sandwiches...
Him: ...babe, that's bad.
Me: I HATE THIS PLACE IT SUCKS HERE"
(Seriously. I'm a grownup, I do what I want.)
My husband: We were way over on groceries last month. Me: How did THAT happen? Him: Well we spent like $100 on ic… https://t.co/hGZAsRs9Ft— Arianna Bradford (@Arianna Bradford) 1581019372.0
(It's okay. If you keep on taking out the garbage that she could take out herself, she'll probably keep you around.)
My wife managed to open a jar of pickles herself and I am now nonessential.— Dude-Bro Dad (@Dude-Bro Dad) 1588795485.0
"Husband, "I'm going to the store, do you need anything?"
Me, "A bottle of champagne."
Husband, "Oh, I got you one yesterday.
"Me, "I said what I said.""
(And I meant what I meant.)
Husband, “I’m going to the store, do you need anything?” Me, “A bottle of champagne.” Husband, “Oh, I got you one y… https://t.co/MCzS5Bdhwy— Lady Lawya (@Lady Lawya) 1604613366.0
(Hey now. Two can play at this game, buddy.)
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.— Batty (@Batty) 1592927067.0
"Husband: Does it bother you when I —
Husband: Does it bother you when I — Me: Yes.— Jessie (@Jessie) 1591973202.0
"Wife: Are you just going to walk around all day without a shirt on?
Me: Just giving you a show.
Wife: Can I change the channel?"
(And they lived happily ever after.)
If I've learned anything in two decades of marriage, it's that there are few things a good belly laugh together can't fix. Here's to taking care of one another and finding the humor in marital bliss.
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