Few aspects of parenting unite the masses like bedtime.
Sure, there are some superhuman parents who manage to wrangle their offspring into bed with a minimal amount of effort and agony. But then there are the rest of us.
If the idea of putting your loinfruit down for the night causes you to twitch uncontrollably, these tweets are for you.
Let's start with the big picture. If "drunk, rabid chimpanzees" is not a relatable description of bedtime with small children at your house, please teach us your ways.
It's all about routine, right? That's what the experts say. This color-coded diagram of a typical bedtime routine seems accurate:
It's a good idea to start the routine with a story, which can be a super sweet bonding time, and also feel like it takes a million bajillion years.
Then there's the lullaby. Or lullabies plural, until you end up singing whatever song comes into your head because OMG KID, JUST GO TO SLEEP.
You think you're done. But then comes the philosophy portion of the evening, where your kid who couldn't tell you a single thing they learned in school that day suddenly becomes super deep and inquisitive.
Now you find yourself torn between encouraging their curiosity and wanting to leave the damn room.
Finally, there's the dehydration phase of the night. You: "Goodnight!" Them: "Must . . . have . . . water . . ."
Seriously. YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH WATER.
After a few kids, you get wise to the water thing and use it as a science lesson.
That seems like it should be it right? Routine done, kid falls asleep?
But oh no. Kids like to get creative.
What the heck are you doing in your bed, kid?
And check this out. You know how sometimes you could swear your kids are doing all of this on purpose?
Well, apparently sometimes they are.
This is the kind of thing that makes us suspicious on the rare nights when bedtime actually runs smoothly. It's also what makes us age 10 years every night.
Sometimes the funniest things aren't even trying to be funny. May I present the most obvious study result in the history of study results?
Okay, Sherlock. If it were only that simple. Case in point:
All is not lost, however. This mom figured out a genius parenting hack to get kids to bed lickety-split:
Now let's say you do finally get them to sleep (probably by lying in bed with them because who are we kidding). That's when your own body inevitably betrays you as you attempt to leave without waking them.
Ah, bedtime. After three kids, I think I've figured out why it's such a chaotic mess. Kids simply operate on a completely different set of definitions than we do. It's the only explanation.
It's a good thing those little buggers are so darned cute. (Especially when they're asleep.)