Bedtime battles got you down, parents? These tweets will have you laughing in solidarity.
Few aspects of parenting unite the masses like bedtime.
Sure, there are some superhuman parents who manage to wrangle their offspring into bed with a minimal amount of effort and agony. But then there are the rest of us.
If the idea of putting your loinfruit down for the night causes you to twitch uncontrollably, these tweets are for you.
Let's start with the big picture. If "drunk, rabid chimpanzees" is not a relatable description of bedtime with small children at your house, please teach us your ways.
I’ve never herded a bunch of drunk, rabid chimpanzees, but I have gone through a bedtime routine with small childre… https://t.co/45wZA7E3MS— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets) 1536275743.0
It's all about routine, right? That's what the experts say. This color-coded diagram of a typical bedtime routine seems accurate:
Relate? #parenting #bedtime #nottired https://t.co/hF71g9gL4o— TheSchoolRun Parent (@TheSchoolRun Parent) 1536260468.0
It's a good idea to start the routine with a story, which can be a super sweet bonding time, and also feel like it takes a million bajillion years.
I’m the Michael Jordan of skipping parts of a kid’s bedtime book.— Simon Holland (@Simon Holland) 1535940735.0
Then there's the lullaby. Or lullabies plural, until you end up singing whatever song comes into your head because OMG KID, JUST GO TO SLEEP.
“Mama, one more lullaby?” “I can’t think of any more- GOODNIGHT!” “pleeeasse?” *sigh* ummm “Tommy used to work on t… https://t.co/Jkj4cJvGB8— RachRiot (@RachRiot) 1536774892.0
You think you're done. But then comes the philosophy portion of the evening, where your kid who couldn't tell you a single thing they learned in school that day suddenly becomes super deep and inquisitive.
Now you find yourself torn between encouraging their curiosity and wanting to leave the damn room.
My kid will not go to bed until she has a chance to ask me about every single thing that has ever happened since th… https://t.co/5OTPuWemyS— Mommy Owl (@Mommy Owl) 1536372800.0
Finally, there's the dehydration phase of the night. You: "Goodnight!" Them: "Must . . . have . . . water . . ."
Why is it that during the day the children complain that they are tired but when it's bedtime they are wide awake a… https://t.co/CcFWyKLk8O— ᗩ ᒪ E ᙭ I S ᕼ. (@ᗩ ᒪ E ᙭ I S ᕼ.) 1536473798.0
Seriously. YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH WATER.
Unless you've screamed "YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH WATER!" at midnight don't talk to me about how tired you are.— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@No Idea: Daddy Blog) 1535132754.0
After a few kids, you get wise to the water thing and use it as a science lesson.
1st kid at bedtime: I’m thirsty. Me: *fetches cup after cup of water* 4th kid at bedtime: I’m thirsty. Me: It’ll… https://t.co/OiJHdP82dG— Mama Needs a Nap by Lauri Walker (@Mama Needs a Nap by Lauri Walker) 1536773527.0
That seems like it should be it right? Routine done, kid falls asleep?
But oh no. Kids like to get creative.
Me: It's bedtime. Only come out for an emergency. 33_Footsteps: Okay, daddy. 33_Footsteps, five minutes later: Dad… https://t.co/8MuBJpE6R7— Why does Rick Healey say just the worst thing? (@Why does Rick Healey say just the worst thing?) 1535931711.0
What the heck are you doing in your bed, kid?
And check this out. You know how sometimes you could swear your kids are doing all of this on purpose?
Well, apparently sometimes they are.
i’m putting the kids i babysit to bed and one of them looks at me and goes “tonight is the night” and i’m like ???… https://t.co/JKlBGoXOx5— jamie 🌙 (@jamie 🌙) 1536370739.0
This is the kind of thing that makes us suspicious on the rare nights when bedtime actually runs smoothly. It's also what makes us age 10 years every night.
Beginning of bedtime VS by the time kid finally falls asleep https://t.co/QaFiINRYgH— B O L L O C K S (@B O L L O C K S) 1536515728.0
Sometimes the funniest things aren't even trying to be funny. May I present the most obvious study result in the history of study results?
Putting Kids To Bed Early Improves Mom’s Mental Health, Study Says https://t.co/DENK7udSbj— Tia Didmon (@Tia Didmon) 1536762828.0
Okay, Sherlock. If it were only that simple. Case in point:
A fun thing you can do is tell your kids it’s bedtime and then tell them it’s bedtime again and again until you’re levitating with rage.— TheMotherOctopus (@TheMotherOctopus) 1535249799.0
All is not lost, however. This mom figured out a genius parenting hack to get kids to bed lickety-split:
Want to get your kids to bed without a fight?? Tell them to clean something. It’s amazing how quickly they become… https://t.co/BzO7DGyltU— Moms Of The Whine Table (@Moms Of The Whine Table) 1536776840.0
Now let's say you do finally get them to sleep (probably by lying in bed with them because who are we kidding). That's when your own body inevitably betrays you as you attempt to leave without waking them.
Based on what it sounds like when I try to leave my child's room after I get them to sleep, my knees are filled wit… https://t.co/OyUWyU9LDS— Scary Mommy (@Scary Mommy) 1536714661.0
Ah, bedtime. After three kids, I think I've figured out why it's such a chaotic mess. Kids simply operate on a completely different set of definitions than we do. It's the only explanation.
[rebelmouse-image 19397910 dam="1" original_size="800x800" caption="Image via Annie Reneau/Motherhood and More" expand=1]Image via Annie Reneau/Motherhood and More
It's a good thing those little buggers are so darned cute. (Especially when they're asleep.)
12 non-threatening leadership strategies for women
We mustn't hurt a man's feelings.
Men and the feels.
Note: This an excerpt is from Sarah Cooper's book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings.
In this fast-paced business world, female leaders need to make sure they're not perceived as pushy, aggressive, or competent.
One way to do that is to alter your leadership style to account for the fragile male ego.
Should men accept powerful women and not feel threatened by them? Yes. Is that asking too much?
IS IT?
Sorry, I didn't mean to get aggressive there. Anyhoo, here are twelve non-threatening leadership strategies for women.
Encourage.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When setting a deadline, ask your coworker what he thinks of doing something, instead of just asking him to get it done. This makes him feel less like you're telling him what to do and more like you care about his opinions.
Sharing ideas.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When sharing your ideas, overconfidence is a killer. You don't want your male coworkers to think you're getting all uppity. Instead, downplay your ideas as just "thinking out loud," "throwing something out there," or sharing something "dumb," "random," or "crazy."
Email requests.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pepper your emails with exclamation marks and emojis so you don't come across as too clear or direct. Your lack of efficient communication will make you seem more approachable.
Idea sharing.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
If a male coworker steals your idea in a meeting, thank him for it. Give him kudos for how he explained your idea so clearly. And let's face it, no one might've ever heard it if he hadn't repeated it.
Sexism.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you hear a sexist comment, the awkward laugh is key. Practice your awkward laugh at home, with your friends and family, and in the mirror. Make sure you sound truly delighted even as your soul is dying inside.
Mansplain.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Men love explaining things. But when he's explaining something and you already know that, it might be tempting to say, "I already know that." Instead, have him explain it to you over and over again. It will make him feel useful and will give you some time to think about how to avoid him in the future.
Mistakes.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pointing out a mistake is always risky so it's important to always apologize for noticing the mistake and then make sure that no one thinks you're too sure about it. People will appreciate your "hey what do I know?!" sensibilities.
Promotions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Asking your manager for a promotion could make you seem power- hungry, opportunistic, and transparent. Instead, ask a male coworker to vouch for you. Have your coworker tell your manager you'd be great for the role even though you don't really want it. This will make you more likely to actually get that promotion.
Rude.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Sometimes not everyone is properly introduced at the start of a meeting. Don't take it personally even if it happens to you all the time, and certainly don't stop the meeting from moving forward to introduce yourself. Sending a quick note afterward is the best way to introduce yourself without seeming too self-important.
Interruptions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you get interrupted, you might be tempted to just continue talking or even ask if you can finish what you were saying. This is treacherous territory. Instead, simply stop talking. The path of least resistance is silence.
Collaboration.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When collaborating with a man, type using only one finger. Skill and speed are very off-putting.
Disagreements.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When all else fails, wear a mustache so everyone sees you as more man-like. This will cancel out any need to change your leadership style. In fact, you may even get a quick promotion!
In conclusion...
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Many women have discovered the secret power of non-threatening leadership. We call it a "secret power" because no one else actually knows about it. We keep our power hidden within ourselves so that it doesn't frighten and intimidate others. That's what makes us the true unsung heroes of the corporate world.
About the Author: Sarah Cooper
Sarah Cooper is a writer, comedian, and author of 100 Tricks to Appear Smart in Meetings. Her new book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings, is out now.
The comedic book cover.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
A satirical take on what it's like to be a woman in the workplace, Cooper draws from her experience as a former executive in the world of tech (she's a former Googler and Yahooer). You can get the book here.
This article was originally published on March 25, 2019.