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An education for the guys I overheard talking about their 'teacher friend.'

If you think teaching is easy, you're wrong.

Dear guys on the train,

I must apologize for starters. It’s all my fault. I was eavesdropping. I tend to do that on the Red Line. Unlike most folks who keep their earbuds in and their music up loud, I don’t want to miss anything. I’m a chronic people-watcher. And lately, I’ve found that paying attention can be a ministry in itself. So, that’s really all I was trying to do.

Anyway, enough about me. Let’s talk about you guys.

Image via iStock.

I heard you, the one with your tie loosened and wearing a Rolex, talking to your other friend in the nice suit. Talking about your other friend Josh.

Your conversation went a little something like this:

“Dude, he never goes out anymore. Ever. He’s like a hermit.”

“I know, bro. He acts like he’s so busy. He teaches f**king third grade. His day ends at, like, 3, haha.”

“God, I wish he knew what it was like in the real world for a day. He thinks his job is so hard.”

*Awkwardly long laughter*

“Yeah, and he’s been a cheapskate ever since we left Ann Arbor.”

“Seriously. Try living with him. But he can’t expect to make as much as we do when we work our asses off year-round. It’s only October and, I mean, he’s got fall break coming up and he’ll be off for Thanksgiving and he gets several weeks off at Christmas time, yet he thinks he’s got it rough.”

“If only he knew…”

“Ha.” *Checks phone* “Wanna grab a beer? Taylor just texted me and said they’re going out.”

“Hell yeah, man. I’m down.”

Then you guys got off at the stop before mine and left me thinking. The more I thought about it and replayed your conversation in my mind, I knew I had to write you.

Image via iStock.

I don’t know your other friend Josh, but he’s clearly not as cool as you guys, going out on a Wednesday night at 10 for beers with Taylor.

From what I gathered, you guys are sick of your teacher friend. You’re annoyed at how frugal he is, how early he goes to sleep, and how much time off he gets.

The thing is, I wanted to speak up so badly, but I suppressed my inner thoughts, which were bursting at the seams, and withheld from butting into your conversation.

Until now.

You see, I wanted to inform you I was a public school teacher for several years. I taught high school, sixth grade, and first grade. I resigned after this past school year ended because I couldn’t take it anymore. I wasn’t cut out for it.

I wanted to ask you if you’ve ever had to run on a treadmill for eight hours straight on a speed that’s just a tad too fast. That's the only way I could describe the physical exhaustion of being a teacher.

I wanted to correct your assumption that Josh’s workday ends at 3 p.m.

As a former teacher, I can’t help but offer you a mini-lesson: Teachers arrive before school begins and stay long after it ends. They spend countless hours in the evenings, on weekends, and especially during their “long breaks” completing lesson plans, grading assignments, filling out behavior charts, calling parents, scheduling meetings, updating individualized education programs, preparing for standardized tests, writing out goals, changing the theme on the bulletin board, buying supplies for a science experiment (in an effort to make learning fun in hopes that the kids will love it), coaching sports, tutoring, entering grades, cleaning the classroom, filing paperwork, communicating with necessary colleagues about specific student needs, etc. I guess it’s not a mini-lesson after all. Oops.

Image via iStock.

I wanted to challenge you to work all day without using the restroom once, to eat your brown-bagged lunch in less than seven minutes, and to stay patient when you have 20-something students in desperate need for your attention and you just want to reply to an email.

I wanted to break it down for you so you could better understand why Josh is frugal — why, aside from being utterly exhausted, he doesn’t go out as much anymore. For pennies each hour per student, he’s busting his butt to ensure they are not only educated but taught to be kind and courageous, and are safe and loved.

I wanted to reminisce on my time in the classroom and share with you about the students whose home lives kept me up at night and the emotional toll this took on me and my marriage.

I wanted to make you ponder the differences between your jobs and his, but I’m afraid we would’ve run out of time. I’ll just throw this one out there: You can probably get away with being tired (or even hungover), whereas Josh has to be on from the minute those kids arrive in the morning.

I wanted to tell you that, in case you weren’t aware, teachers don’t fill out expense reports at the end of each week. It all comes out of their pocket. And only a guy like Josh would be cool enough to sacrifice a beer in order to buy scissors for his third-graders.

Image via iStock.

I wanted to give you a hundred ideas for how you could be supportive of Josh and the selfless job he’s chosen.

I wanted to acknowledge your jobs are probably hard, too, but gently remind you that you’re probably at least respected and compensated. Teachers can’t earn bonuses or raises. The incentive to be the best boils down to the heart and a strong dose of integrity.

Look, I know I don't know you. And I can't possibly know the whole context of your conversation. But I used to be a teacher, and I know how your friend Josh might be feeling. I know what it's like to have friends who don't get that feeling. I couldn't say these things to them at the time, but hearing your conversation reminded me of the things I wish I had.

I wanted to let you know I now work in “the real world” and it’s only reaffirmed my once-biased belief that teachers have one of the hardest, most important, undervalued, and underpaid jobs in the world.

Sincerely,

The ex-teacher on the train (and an advocate for all the Joshes in this world)

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Dogs really do have favorite people, and here's how they decide who it will be

Sometimes their favorite people don't live in their house.

Photo credit: Canva

Dogs really do have favorite people. Here's how they decide

When my sister's dog, Junior, was on this side of the Rainbow Bridge, I was one of his favorite people. This dog would get full body wags every time I came around, and we'd spend most of the day cuddled up with each other. Now my dog, Cocolina, behaves in the same way whenever my sister comes to visit. But what goes into a dog deciding who their favorite person is? Spoiler, it's not always the person they live with.

Like humans, animals have their own personalities. You might rescue a dog thinking it will be the perfect companion, only to have the furry adoptee spend every waking moment following your partner around. You could spend hundreds of dollars on vet checkups, new harnesses, treats, and all the squeaky dog toys you can find, but that still won't be enough to convince a dog to love you. Instead of showering the giver of treats with kisses, they make goo-goo eyes at the pet sitter. It turns out they have their reasons.

dogs; dogs favorite; dog's best friend; pets; people and pets; rescue animals Corgi cuddles spreading joy and smiles!Photo credit: Canva

Since our canine friends can't talk, we have to rely on the experts to explain what the deal is with how dogs pick their favorite human. Carol Erickson, a Pennsylvania SPCA animal advocate, gave a brief interview with CBS News Philadelphia to explain her take on how dogs determine their bestest, most favorite person.

"What it comes down to for all dogs is they decide their very favorite family member by who gives the most consistent, high-quality attention, play, and physical affection: ear rubs, scratches, that sort of thing. Dogs get positive associations from being around people who consistently provide positive experiences, including treats, meals, play that they enjoy, and remember also that early association in those first six months can influence who a dog may like better later on," she tells the outlet.

Rover backs up Erickson's claim that the first six months are crucial in determining who will become the dog's favorite person later in life. The website says, "Many dogs bond hardest to whoever cares for them during their key socialization period, which occurs between birth and six months." However, they later note that dogs can still be socialized appropriately even as adults.

The dog-sitting website also explains that it's not uncommon for people who are not the dog's primary caregiver to be their favorite person. Pointing out that physical affection is vital to dogs, if the mailman gives out head scratches daily but the owner doesn't, the mailman may become the dog's favorite person. While physical affection and treats go a long way for some pooches, those aren't the only things that get puppy eyes melting with love.

dogs; dogs favorite; dog's best friend; pets; people and pets; rescue animals Joyful moments with furry friends! 🐶❤️Photo credit: Canva

"While positive experiences play a big role, a dog’s favorite person isn’t always just the one holding the treat bag. Dogs also respond to emotional connection, tone of voice, and even body language. Their preferences are shaped by a mix of familiarity, trust, and how well a person understands their needs," explains Elle Vet Sciences. They later add, "Dogs also take emotional cues from us. If a person is stressed, loud, or inconsistent, a dog may be less likely to form a deep bond with them. On the other hand, someone who offers reassurance and stability often earns the title of 'favorite' without even realizing it."

In short, if you want to be your dog's bestie, being consistent with affection, actions, and even training and grooming will get you there a lot faster than treats alone. Dogs aren't trying to be persnickety; just like humans, they enjoy being around people who show them that they enjoy their company—and maybe some treats.

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Dutch 'dementia village,' a whole neighborhood designed for memory loss, is a game-changer

The Hogeweyk provides a sense of "normalcy" for people living with dementia.

Photo credit: Canva

People with dementia can roam freely in a dementia village.

There are a lot of extremely challenging things about getting older, but one stands about the rest. Living with dementia is not easy, nor is living with someone living with dementia. No matter how much caregivers may want to keep a loved one with dementia in their home, it's not always feasible. But moving them into a traditional care facility isn't always ideal, either.

That's where a "dementia village" comes in as an alternative. Instead of trying to fit a person with dementia into a living situation that either isn't designed for them or is overly focused on their limitations, a dementia village is an environment designed specifically to help people with severe dementia feel safe and free and live as normal a life as possible.

dementia, dementia care, alzheimer's disease, dementia village, memory care People with dementia tend to remember distant memories and forget recent ones.Photo credit: Canva

The Hogeweyk was the world's first dementia village, founded in 2009. Since then, the idea has been replicated in dozens of locations all over the world. The concept is quite simple: A full, self-contained neighborhood where people with dementia can walk around freely without fear of getting lost, where everyone from shopkeepers to restaurant servers to salon workers are trained in dementia care, and where people who are losing their memory to dementia diseases are treated as people who still have aspirations.

Eloy van Hal, one of the founders of the Hogeweyk, explained to Vox how the guiding principle of the village is "normalcy." Traditional nursing homes keep all residents under one roof, and they are subject to do whatever program the institution provides for them. In the Hogeweyk, people live in small groups of six or seven in apartments with furnishings like they'd have at home. Distinct landmarks in the public space help residents know where they are, and putting a theater, grocery store, barber shop, etc. in separate buildings encourage movement through the neighborhood.

"It's about choice, choice, choice, where you want to be during the whole day and with whom," said van Hal. The idea is to balance safe design with controlled risk, allowing for as much of a normal life as possible.

- YouTube youtu.be

The one downside to the village concept, of course, is cost. Without adequate funding assistance from governments, living in a dementia village can be prohibitively expensive.

Does it really make a difference for residents, though? Has it been proven that outcomes are better than traditional care models? With dozens of villages now being used around the world, research is ongoing but the data from the Hogeweyk is promising. People in the comments of Vox's by Design video shared how such facilities have been life-changing for their loved ones and how traditional care doesn't always meet the needs of people with dementia.

"My grandmother had dementia and when her caretaker who was my grandfather (her husband) passed unexpectedly we had to scramble to get her into a memory care facility in the US. The first place she was in temporarily was so sad, I could see her spirit drain but after about a year we were able to get her into a "village" and the quality of life difference is nothing short of ASTOUNDING! She could function in a way that was familiar and comfortable to her and not be in a foreign hospital setting. The abrupt change from a home where they are familiar, to a clinical setting must be very disorienting and upsetting to these people. That side of my family had mental health issues and memory loss starts early, so I know it will happen to me to some extent and I only hope I can have people take care of me as well as in this Hogeweyk."

"I've worked in a nursing home through high school and college. While I can't say it was the worst place for dementia patients, it certainly did not work well for all of them. One patient once tried to wedge herself through the door begging to go outside with me and I even had patients confide in me that they hated being institutionalized, they missed being able to live a normal life, being part of a real community, and being able to come and go as they pleased. This concept is probably the closest thing possible to a normal life a dementia patient could ever have."

dementia, dementia care, alzheimer's disease, dementia village, memory care All the workers in a dementia village are trained in memory care.Photo credit: Canva

"A relative of mine used to get aggressive, violent and angry when she would encounter a locked door in the institution she was in. She couldn't understand why there would be a locked room in what she understood to be 'her home', this would take a lot of calming down and management, only for her to discover another locked door, and kick off again. I love these village based models as they allow autonomy for residents, and have an individual experience. Just because someone has a brain disease doesn't mean they aren't entitled to the very best care. I hope the govt spends far more on these establishments in the future."

"As he said at the end, people with dementia are still people—even if there is proven to be no benefits to this model over a care home, I would much prefer to have dignity in my final days than live in a clinical trap. Love all the incredible ideas the Netherlands come up with."

Dementia care is something Americans are going to have to look at closely. According to The Alzheimer's Association, the number of people living with Alzheimer's is set to nearly double from seven million to 13 million by the year 2050. As more of our elders require full-time care, the more we'll have to consider prioritizing putting resources into things like dementia villages.

Everyone deserves safety and a good quality of life. The Hogeweyk is a great example of what it looks like to view people with dementia as people first and to care for them accordingly.

This article originally appeared in April. It has been updated.

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These 4 words can keep a conversation flowing forever no matter how bad you are at small talk

There's literally no way to screw this up.

Credit: Canva

A couple talking over coffee.

Many people find making small talk to be an excruciating experience. They think it’s boring to talk with a stranger about the weather, sports, or weekend plans. They may also feel like they don’t have anything to contribute to the conversation, or they don’t understand the point of having one in the first place.

However, those who excel at making small talk have a tremendous advantage in their professional and romantic relationships, as well as forming new friendships. Most importantly, small talk is a window to transition into medium talk or, eventually, deep, meaningful conversations. The problem is that many people get stuck in small talk, and things stall before progressing to something beneficial.

conversation, friends, small talk, chatting Two women chatting in front of a fire. Credit: Atlantic Ambience/Pexels

How to get better at small talk

The great thing is that, like anything, making small talk is a skill that we can all improve by learning some simple conversation techniques. One technique that is great for keeping a conversation going, like hitting a ball back and forth past a net in tennis, is a simple statement:

"It reminds me of…”

A Redditor recently shared some great examples of how the phrase can be used to turn a mundane topic, such as the weather, into something much more fun:

Them: "It's been really rainy, huh?"

You:

Option 1 (Personal Story): "Yeah, it reminds me of a time I went on a run in the rain and nearly got hit by a car."

Option 2 (Music / Pop Culture): "It reminds me of every Adele song. When I'm driving, I feel like I'm in a music video."

Option 3 (Family): "It reminds me of my dad, he used to love playing with us in the rain as kids."

Option 4 (Thing you watched / World News): "It reminds me of this documentary I saw where they're trying to make it rain in the Sahara Desert.”

Option 5 (Place you lived): “It reminds me of when I lived in Australia, it barely ever rained there. I actually love this weather.”


- YouTube www.youtube.com

You see in this example that using “It reminds me of…” opened up the conversation to five potential new and more exciting topics. The “You” in the story could have responded with, “Yeah, it sure is rainy,” and the conversation would have ended right there. But instead, branching off the topic of rain into something a bit deeper took the conversation to the next level. You get extra points if you can take the “reminds me of” into a topic that you assume the other person will be interested in.

What’s a polite way to change the topic in a conversation?

Using “this reminds me of…” is also a polite way to move the topics in another direction, especially when it's a topic that you don’t want to discuss or one that makes you feel a bit uncomfortable. Or, if it’s a situation where the other person is monologuing on one topic for a very long time, this makes it easy to transition away from their diatribe.

conversation, small talk, chatting, cafe Two guys chat at a cafe. Credit: Helena Lopes/Pexels

Ultimately, the phrase is an excellent way for you to save the person you’re talking to from being stuck in the small talk rut as well. It shows you understand that when someone brings up the weather, they are merely getting things started with something both of you have in common. They probably don’t want to talk about the weather for 30 minutes, unless they are a meteorologist. “It reminds me of…” is an invitation to go a bit deeper and shows the other person that you’d like to learn more about them.

This article originally appeared in April. It has been updated.


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Neuroscientist breaks down why 'normal tween girl drama' deserves a lot more compassion

“Most parents do not realize that between the ages of 8 and 12, your daughter's brain is rewiring itself while her confidence forms."

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The science behind why they need more empathy.

If you’ve ever raised tween girls, been a tween girl yourself, or watched any shows with tweens in them, you’ll be all too familiar with tween girl drama. The eye rolling, the aloofness, the cattiness, the meltdowns…you get the idea.

But what if this newfound attitude isn’t just preteen girls being difficult, but a symptom of chronic dysregulation?

That was the insight recently given by Dr. Chelsey Hauge Zavaleta, who argued that most parents don’t understand that between the ages of 8 and 12, their daughter's brain is “rewiring itself while her confidence forms.”

And because of that, Zavaleta explained, her “nervous system is stuck in a constant state of overwhelm.”

“She will be unable to cooperate, not that she won't, not that she's being bratty, refusing, defiant, rude, she cannot cooperate. Her nervous system is too overwhelmed, and your task is to help her bring it down.”

Zavaleta then listed the five typical “tween drama” behaviors that, when constant and persistent, could be signs of an overworked nervous system.

1. She can't do basic routines that she has always done before.

preteen girls, tween girls, preteens, parenting, parenthood, motherhood, kids, neuroscience, psychology It's not just laziness. Photo credit: Canva

While it might be irksome for parents to now give reminder after reminder for something they know their daughter knows about, Dr. Zavaleta kindly offered the reminder that, “This isn't defiance. She's too dysregulated to access her thinking brain.”

2. She makes nasty comments during family time.

preteen girls, tween girls, preteens, parenting, parenthood, motherhood, kids, neuroscience, psychology It's not just sibling rivalry. Photo credit: Canva

This doesn’t come from meanness so much as deep insecurity.

“She's sitting there in your family, feeling judged and alone. The attention feels overwhelming when her nervous system is already maxed out,” said Zavaleta.

3. She doesn't care about stuff she used to care about.

preteen girls, tween girls, preteens, parenting, parenthood, motherhood, kids, neuroscience, psychology It's not just depression.Photo credit: Canva

Contrary to what it looks like, she actually cares so much that it is unbearable. To cope, she willfully disconnects.

“She cares so much, it hurts, but caring feels dangerous right now. Disconnection is protection when everything feels too intense.”

4. She is constantly picking fights with her siblings.

preteen girls, tween girls, preteens, parenting, parenthood, motherhood, kids, neuroscience, psychology It's not just an attitude. Photo credit: Canva

“She's looking for connection, but she only knows how to get attention through conflict. Her nervous system is seeking regulation through the friction created by drama,” Zavaleta explained.

5. She cries over “nothing.”

preteen girls, tween girls, preteens, parenting, parenthood, motherhood, kids, neuroscience, psychology It's not just a meltdown. Photo credit: Canva

“Spilled milk becomes a huge meltdown,” said Zavaleta, painting a picture.

Thing is, “when your system is already flooded, the smallest thing is gonna tip you right over,” she added.

“Those tears aren't about the milk, they're about everything else.”

When put through this lens, it’s easy to see how “these are not behavior problems to be fixed with consequences,” as Zavaleta put it. Rather, they're “regulation problems” that need co-regulation support from the parents. After all, at this age kids are still hardwired to their parents' nervous systems, making it all the more imperative for parents to model healthy regulation practices.

“When you stay calm and grounded, she can access that state as well. When you are also dysregulated because parenting a dysregulated tween is hard, you're both stuck in survival mode.”

@drchelsey_parenting Join me for my LIVE webinar DECODING TWEEN GIRLS Comment TWEENGIRL for the registration link- and clear your calendars- being there live is the best thing!
♬ original sound - Dr. Chelsey HaugeZavaleta, PhD

Bottom line: when you think about all the inner “construction” going on, in addition to external factors—more and more school responsibilities, increasingly complicated friendships, a transforming body, etc.—there’s no doubt that young girls didn’t suddenly become ornery for no reason.

When parents feel that a boundary needs to be made, child counselor Katie Lear suggests offering a chance for “do-overs” when they catch an attitude. This helps preteens become more aware and gives them another opportunity to communicate calmly. Alternatively, parents can offer “natural consequences” that help preteens better understand cause and effect. She uses the example of not being available to drive her to a friend if you’re spending time doing the chores she fails to do.

None of this makes parenting during the tween phase any easier, per se. However, it does hopefully provide insight and tools that can elicit compassion, strengthen relationships, and offer an opportunity for both parents and children to emerge from a notoriously tumultuous chapter a little more grounded.

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A parent saw their kids bullying someone. How they handled it has other parents cheering.

Parenting done right.

Photo credit: Canva

What do you do when your kid is being the bully?

Many of us may assume that kids who bully other kids don't have parents teaching them right from wrong, but that's not always true. While a dysfunctional home or lack of parental guidance can lead to bad behavior, even kids from solid families with attentive, conscientious parents can have lapses in judgment. Good kids can fall to peer pressure or "try on" certain behaviors that go against what their parents teach them.

Case in point: a parent who posted a message to a local message board explaining how they handled seeing their kids bullying another kid.

facebook, post, bullies, kids, parenting A parent shared this message on a local Facebook group.Via MothersMiIk/Reddit

The message was addressed to the parents of a junior high school student who might have come home "very distraught." She explained that he seemed to have some sort of hearing device and described where he was walking with his class.

"Just know that I am so sorry and that I see you," she wrote. "I witnessed my kids picking on your kid. I could see how angry he was. I stepped out of my vehicle as soon as I realized what was going on, and I intervened and I had his back. I have talked to my children. It won't happen again. Please tell your kiddo that we are so sorry, and expect an apology from my junior high-aged child tomorrow at school. We are not raising bullies here."

The screenshot shared on Reddit received praise from other parents in the comments:

"And that's the way you do it!! Good on you for teaching your child what is acceptable and what is not."

"Wish more parents were like this instead of making excuses or pretending their kids are angels. Takes guts to step up when you see your own child being awful."

good job, parents, mom, dad, parenting parenting moms GIF by Cat & Nat Giphy

"It’s rare but beautiful when parenting looks like accountability in real time."

"Parenting done right."

"Wife and I have told both our kids that if they are being bullied, then they have carte blanche to defend themselves, regardless of how the school wishes to punish them. However, if we learn THEY are being the bullies, then whatever punishment the school provides will be NOTHING on what they get at here at home."

"I’m so glad there’s parents like this. My 2 year old is deaf with a hearing device and facial differences caused by his genetic syndrome. I dread him going to school and getting bullied but this gives me hope that there is still good parents raising kids out there!"

parenting, raising good kids, bullies, bullying, kindness Strive to raise kind kids. Photo credit: Canva

There are several steps parents can take to prevent their children from becoming bullies, including teaching them the importance of kindness, fostering empathy, and modeling respectful treatment of others. However, proactive parenting doesn't always take hold, so parents must also be prepared for what to do if their child behaves in a manner that contradicts the way they've been taught.

Considering the fact that this parent didn't know who the picked-on kid or his parents were, this message being put out in a community forum was perfect. It included many great elements on how to handle this kind of situation: The parent took immediate action when they noticed what was happening. They supported the child who was being picked on. They acknowledged the emotion the child was feeling and recognized that the child's parents would be upset, too. They didn't defend their children, but explained what they were doing about what had happened and how they were ensuring it wouldn't happen again. And they apologized and ensured that appropriate in-person apologies would also take place.

Parenting isn't easy, and our kids can surprise us in both delightful and disturbing ways. It takes years of proactive and reactive effort to mold small humans into conscientious, contributing adults. None of us do it all perfectly, which is why it's nice to see a good, solid parenting example we can all learn something from.

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