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Star psychologist Adam Grant explains why we need to do away with 'the compliment sandwich'

Plus, the one simple sentence to use instead.

adam grant, psychology, compliment sandwich, leadership, workplace
Jamey Stillings, Wikipedia/ Canva

There's a new way to give tough love.

The “sandwich technique,” also known as a “compliment sandwich” or “feedback sandwich,” has been a tool for delivering criticism since the 1940s. But it really became something of a workplace staple after 1984, thanks to Mary Kay Ash’s book “People Management.”

The idea seems sound enough. The deliverer of the criticism would first offer a compliment to the recipient, followed by the actual feedback, then another bit of praise. This should theoretically allow the criticism to be received without bruising any ego or hurting any feelings. Everybody wins.

But according to organizational psychologist and bestselling author Adam Grant, the compliment sandwich “doesn’t taste as good as it looks.”


In various interviews, podcasts, social media posts and even a Substack article, Grant has chalked up the compliment sandwich ineffectiveness to two major shortcomings.

One being that people are simply too familiar with it. So whatever compliment is given, no matter how genuine it may be, people know what’s coming next and they begin “waiting for the other shoe drop.”

Knowing the compliments are obligatory can actually make someone take the criticism ever more personally.

Two: the opposite can happen. Because people tend to remember the first and last parts of a conversation, the criticism might be downplayed or outright buried underneath the positive feedback. This goes especially for narcissists, Grant notes.

Luckily there is a kind, yet efficient way to give some tough love. And it all boils down to one simple sentence:

“I’m giving you these comments because I have very high expectations and I know that you can reach them.”

The phrase comes from a 2013 study conducted by researchers at Stanford,who were able to increase a student’s openness to criticism by at least 40% just by using those 19 words.

As Grant explains, this strategy works because it conveys an intention to help a person become the best version of themselves. “It’s surprisingly easy to hear a hard truth when it comes from someone who believes in your potential and cares about your success.”

Of course, using the exact words isn’t mandatory.


The point is focusing on helping someone improve, rather than attacking or patronizing them.

To that point, Grant also has a few other helpful pointers, like not assuming a position of superiority, asking if the person is open to feedback first (Grant attests they usually welcome it) and lastly, keeping the language transparent, not manipulative.

At the end of the day, most people want to grow, become better people, and live up to their potential. Remembering that one little truism can go a long way.

This article originally appeared on 4.11.24

A guy having a collaborative conversation.

The quickest way to stop having a constructive dialog with someone is when they become defensive. This usually results in them digging in their heels and making you defensive. This can result in a vicious cycle of back-and-forth defensive behavior that can feel impossible to break. Once that happens, the walls go up, the gloves come off and resolving the situation becomes tough.

Amanda Ripley, author of “High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out,” says in her book that you can prevent someone you disagree with from becoming defensive by being curious about their opinion.

Ripley is a bestselling author and the co-founder of Good Conflict, a media and training company that helps people reimagine conflict.


How to have a constructive conversation

Let’s say you believe the room should be painted red and your spouse says it should be blue. Instead of saying, “I think blue is ugly,” you can say, “It’s interesting that you say that…” and ask them to explain why they chose blue.

The key phrase is: “It’s interesting that you say that…”


conversation, arguments, communication tipsPeople coming to an agreement. via Canva/Photos

When you show the other person that you genuinely care about their thoughts and appreciate their reasoning, they let down their guard. This makes them feel heard and encourages them to hear your side as well. This approach also encourages the person you disagree with to consider coming up with a collaborative solution instead of arguing to defend their position.

It’s important to assume the other person has the best intentions while listening to them make their case. “To be genuinely curious, we need to refrain from judgment and making negative assumptions about others. Assume the other person didn’t intend to annoy you. Assume they are doing the best they can. Assume the very best about them. You’ll appreciate it when others do it for you,” Kaitlyn Skelly at The Ripple Effect Education writes.

Phrases you can use to avoid an argument

The curiosity approach can also involve affirming the other person’s perspective while adding your own, using a phrase like, “On the one hand, I see what you’re saying. On the other hand…”

Here are some other phrases you can use:

“I wonder if…”

“It’s interesting that you say that because I see it differently…”

“I might be wrong, but…”

“How funny! I had a different reaction…”

“I hadn’t thought of it like that! For me, though, it seems…”

“I think I understand your point, though I look at it a little differently…”


conversation, arguments, communication tipsTwo men high-fiving one another.via Canva/Photos

What's the best way to disagree with people?

A 2016 study from Yale University supports Ripley’s ideas. The study found that when people argue to “win,” they take a hard line and only see one correct answer in the conflict. Whereas those who want to “learn” are more likely to see that there is more than one solution to the problem. At that point, competition magically turns into collaboration.

“Being willing to hear out other perspectives and engage in dialogue that isn’t simply meant to convince the other person you’re right can lead to all sorts of unexpected insights,” psychologist and marketing Professor at Southern Methodist University tells CNBC.

In a world of strong opinions and differing perspectives, curiosity can be a superpower that helps you have more constructive conversations with those with whom you disagree. All it takes is a little humility and an open mind, and you can turn conflict into collaboration, building bridges instead of walls.

Harry Smith was saved by his dog Sarah Jane.

In 2022, Eighty-one-year-old Harry Smith—who uses an electric wheelchair—was walking his beloved 9-year-old beagle mix, Sarah Jane, near a lake in Port St. Lucie, Florida when the pleasant jaunt took a turn for the worse.

Smith says that the left wheel of the chair “grabbed and spun me” and he wound up rolling down a grass embankment into the water. Smith can’t swim, could barely keep his head above the water and without immediate help would have drowned. Sarah Jane began to bark loudly, capturing the attention of Edward Suhling, 58, who was working on a trailer with Aby “Jacob” Chacko, 49. "Sensing his owner was in trouble, his dog began to bark loudly which alerted two bystanders across the street," the Port St. Lucie police department wrote in a Facebook post.

At first, Suhling thought that the dog was being attacked by an alligator, then he saw Smith’s head poking out of the water. Suhling and Chacko ran over to the pond, flagging down a police officer along the way.



“As soon as I got here I saw the wheelchair and the dog and I recognized that's Harry and I know he can't walk,” Chacko said. Smith was in terror fighting for his life in the pond. “My legs don't work,” he said. “I can't push.”

“The dog was splashing in the water,” Suhling said. “So we both ran over here and I jumped in the water, and my buddy grabbed his arms and I grabbed his legs and we got him up on shore.”

After Smith was safely out of the water, the police officer administered medical attention and he was cleared to go home. Unfortunately, his wheelchair didn’t work, so the officer pushed him back to his home.

The Port St. Lucie Police Department later called the Suhlih, Chacko, and Sarah Jane heroes on its Facebook page. "We are thankful for Mr. Smith’s dog and the two bystanders that helped save his life!" the police department wrote on Facebook. "And as the saying remains true…A man’s best friend is his dog."

"She's such a good dog,” Smith later said about Sarah Jane. “Everybody in this neighborhood loves her, they all look out for her." After the pair made it home safely, Smith was sure to give his dog a treat. "I love her, always have, always will,” he said.

While the dog’s heroics are pretty amazing, there are a couple of reasons why Sarah Jane knew that Smith was in danger and sprang into action. A lot of dogs have a strong fear of water. Not all of them love it like labradors. If Sarah Jane was afraid of the water, she would have sensed her guardian was in serious danger.

Secondly, a study from Arizona State University in 2020 tested whether dogs will help if they thought their owner was in trouble. For the study, owners called out to the dog while appearing to be trapped inside a box. In most instances, the dogs attempted to free their owners after hearing them cry for help.

The story of Sarah Jane and her guardian Harry Smith proves, once again, that we just don’t deserve dogs.


This article originally appeared on 3.3.22





Modern Families

Do you have a "living room family" or a "bedroom family"?

This 'debate' is all the rage on TikTok. But one is not better than the other.

alexxx1915/TikTok

TikTok user alexxx1915 recently posted a short video with the caption: "I just learned the term 'living room family' and I never understood why my kids never played in their rooms when I always did as a kid."

She briefly shows her kids hanging out in the living room with their pet dog and some toys scattered around the floor, before panning to her own face and giving a sort of sentimental look. The simple, ten-second clip struck a huge nerve with parents, racking up over 25 million views and thousands of heartfelt comments.






@alexxx1915

#livingroomfamily #fypシ

What are "living room families" and "bedroom families"?

This idea has been going around for a while on social media.

Simply put, a living room family is a family that congregates in the living room, or any common space in the household. Kids play in the same space where the adults relax — and things are often messy, as a result. Everyone interacts with each other and spends lots of time together. Bedrooms are reserved mostly for sleeping and dressing.

A bedroom family, on the other hand, is where the kids spend more time in their rooms. They play there, watch TV, and maybe even eat meals. Typically, the main rooms of the house are kept neat and tidy — you won't find a lot of toys scattered about — and family time spent together is more structured and planned ahead rather than casual.

"Living room families" has become the latest aspirational term on TikTok. Everyone wants to be a living room family!

The implication of being a bedroom family, or having 'room kids', is that perhaps they don't feel safe or comfortable or even allowed to take up room in the rest of the house, or to be around the adults.

"I remember my brother coming round once and he just sat in silence while watching my kids play in livingroom. After a while he looked at me and said 'It's so nice that your kids want to be around you'" one commenter said on alexxx1915's video.

"I thought my kids hated their rooms 🥺 turns out they like me more" said another.

"You broke a generational curse. Good job mama!" said yet another.

There's so much that's great about having a family that lives out in the open — especially if you were raised feeling like you had to hide in your room.

In my own household, we're definitely a living room family. We're around each other constantly, and the house is often a mess because of it. Learning about this term makes me feel a little better that my kids want to be around us and feel comfortable enough to get their 'play mess' all over the living room.

The mess is a sign of the love and comfort we all share together.

But the big twist is that it's also perfectly fine if your kids — and you! — like a little more solitary time.

boy playing with toys on the floorGavyn Alejandro/Unsplash

Being a 'bedroom family' is actually perfectly OK.

There's a similar discourse that took place last year about living room parents vs bedroom parents. The general consensus seemed to be that it was better to be a living room parent, who relaxed out in the open versus taking alone time behind closed doors.

But it really doesn't have to be one or the other, and neither is necessarily better.

Making your kids feel relegated to their room is, obviously, not great. It's not a good thing if they feel like they're not allowed to exist in and play in the rest of the house.

But if they just like hanging out in their room? Nothing wrong with that at all! And same goes for parents.

Alone time is important for parents and kids alike, and everyone needs different amounts of it to thrive.

Kids with certain special needs, like being on the autism spectrum, may be absolutely thrilled to spend lots of time in their rooms, for example.

So are you a living room family or a bedroom family? Turns out, it doesn't really matter, as long as your family loves each other and allows everyone to be exactly who they are.

How to befriend a crow.

When it comes to keeping birds as pets, people usually think about parrots or canaries. Nobody ever considers having a crow. But research has shown that crows are incredibly clever, curious and self-aware.

They recognize the faces of people they like or don’t like and have the ability to use tools. Looking to experience the magic of crows yourself? A YouTube user named Kräri The Crow from Germany made a video on how you can befriend the crows in your neighborhood in four easy steps. All it takes is “some food and some patience."

1. Find a pair of crows

Crows tend to live in areas where there are humans so chances are there are crows in your neighborhood. The best place to start is to find a pair with a fixed territory that you see on a regular basis. That way you're cultivating a relationship with the same animal day after day and you can "slowly get to know each other."


2. Offer food

Crows will eat just about anything from insects to invertebrates to meat. They also enjoy nuts, worms and vegetables. If you offer the food in the same place at the same time of day you'll establish a routine.

3. Be mindful

When interacting with the crow, make sure they aren't anxious or display signs that they are prepared to fly away at any moment. Approach the birds with an open, nonpointed gaze so as to not cause alarm. Sit quietly while you wait for the bird to approach and avoid quick movements.

4. Let the birds come to you

This requires patience. The crow will be shy at first, but they know you better than you think. They will remember your face and your kindness. Give them a chance to observe you and earn your trust.

A the end of the video, Kräri The Crow reminds everyone that we should make friends with crows but they are supposed to live free in the skies and not be stuck in a cage.

This article originally appeared on 3.23.22

Chase might just be the clingiest cat ever.

Cats are quirky. We all know this.

But those of us who have had multiple cats throughout our lives know that some cats are quirkier than others. Maybe they like to sleep with their face in a shoe (true story). Maybe they won't stop tearing into bags of styrofoam packing peanuts and eating them, necessitating a shipping business to switch to cornstarch-based packaging (also true story). Maybe they can catch a crumpled-up piece of paper you toss into the air with their paws and bring it to you in their mouth like a dog playing fetch (awww, I miss that cat).

Or maybe their unique quirk is that they have to be velcroed to someone's body every minute of every day.

That's Chase the cat in a nutshell—super sweet, but super clingy.


Chase belongs to Kareem and Fifi of the TikTok channel @dontstopmeowing, who have become internet famous for their three very chill cats. Their "spaw day" videos showing how their cats—Chase, Skye and Millie—get pampered went viral last year, and they've gained a huge following sharing life with their cats.

All three are adorable, but Chase—oh, Chase is a special one. I've seen some clingy cats before, but nothing like this.

Watch:

@dontstopmeowing

Same Cat, Diff Day #fyp #foryou #foryoupage

Literally clingy, as in "won't stop clinging to the human." How many cats like to be carried around like a baby? Not many, I'd guess.

@dontstopmeowing

Not exactly your average kitty #fyp #foryou #foryoupage

When Chase wants Mommy, chase wants Mommy.

@dontstopmeowing

Where did he learn to be so clingy? 😭 #fyp #foryou #foryoupage

Of course, Chase doesn't always want Mommy. Sometimes it's Daddy's turn for all the lovin'.

@dontstopmeowing

😔💔 #fyp #foryou #foryoupage

Fifi shares videos of her attempting to train the clinginess out of Chase, which are hilarious. This one has been viewed 57 million times.

@dontstopmeowing

This is why he rips my clothes 😭 #fyp #foryou #foryoupage

She even dubbed the viral audio of a toddler video—"I just a baby!"—that fits perfectly with Chase's huggy antics.

@dontstopmeowing

He really thinks he’s a baby #fyp #foryou #foryoupage

Oh Chase. You're just too much.

@dontstopmeowing

I can’t stop laughing 😭 #fyp #foryou #foryoupage

And just because it's so dang cute, check out this video of Chase meeting a baby for the first time. (Warning: Wicked adorable baby giggles incoming. Hold onto your ovaries if you have 'em.)

@dontstopmeowing

Who’s reaction was your favorite? #fyp #foryou #foryoupage

You can follow Kareem, Fifi, Chase, Skye and Millie on TikTok and YouTube.


This article originally appeared on 4.13.22