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These men created a support group for fathers. They're changing what it means to be a dad.

These men created a support group for fathers. They're changing what it means to be a dad.
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Clorox

Lance Somerfeld and Matt Schneider never meant to start a movement. They were just two dads taking care of their kids full-time.

Lance Somerfeld, his wife, Jessica, and their children, Jake and Jade. Photo courtesy of Lance Somerfeld.

The two men met and became friends when they were public school teachers in The Bronx. While they'd already bonded over lesson plans, their love of their work and their students, soon Somerfeld and Schneider were bonding over something else: The fact that they'd become the primary caregivers to their children.

"My wife works in insurance in corporate America," says Somerfeld, who became a stay-at-home dad in 2008. "I had a position where I was teaching, and if I took a childcare leave of absence, I was still able to have a secure job waiting for me when I was ready to go back, which is a luxury and privilege these days."

"We really wanted one of the two of us to be home with our child," he adds. "We really wanted to be present and have one of us be on the front lines those first couple of years."

Schneider, who became a stay-at-home dad three years earlier, had a similar story. He and his wife knew they would have to strike a balance to make their family work. So the couple decided that Schneider would stay at home while his wife continued her career in investment management.

Though Somerfeld and Schneider loved taking care of their kids, they noticed something worrying — there wasn't a lot of support for stay-at-home dads.

Matt Schneider, his wife, Priyanka, and their children, Max and Sam. Photo courtesy of Matt Schneider.

Traditional parental roles have changed a great deal in the past few decades. According to recent Pew research, more and more dads are seeing parenthood as a central part of their identity. They're spending more time with their kids (the number of hours fathers devote to childcare has tripled since 1965), and doing what they can (consciously or not) to bust that old trope that dads are just “babysitters giving mom a day off."

The going, however, has been slow. While trends are moving towards more balanced parenting, there are still relatively few programs and support groups that target fathers. They were able to attend some of the mommy-centric groups, but they definitely felt some hesitation about them being there coming from the moms. And when you're traversing scary new territory as a parent, lacking a truly welcoming group can be very isolating.

In a world where parenting groups are still primarily geared towards women, Somerfeld and Schneider realized that they needed to shift the narrative to be more inclusive; to paint a broader portrait of what it means to be a father in the 21st century.

As primary caregivers, they needed a place where they could share their own experiences and get guidance from other fathers.

So the dads started a meet-up group for other dads. They never imagined how quickly it would catch on.

Photo courtesy of City Dads. Photo by Geg Kessler.

The initial burst of inspiration came from Somerfeld, Schneider recalls. “He was very proactive in recognizing that there must be more dads than the two of us out there that were home. [Also] there must be other guys out there that may not be at-home dads, but are engaged in their kid's life."

So Somerfeld and Schneider posted an invite to all Dads in New York City on Meetup — a website that helps people organize gatherings. The meet-ups were small at first. The dads went to the park, had playdates, and wandered through the Museum of Modern Art with their babies snuggly fastened in carriers and strollers.

Then the group began to grow. Dads were taking their kids to the zoo en masse, meeting up for ball games, and letting their kids make friends as they forged new connections themselves.

The activities were fun for the kids, but the camaraderie the dads shared can't be understated. Soon the dads started planning activities that were just for fathers. They'd meet up for happy hour to talk about their biggest hurdles and accomplishments, exchange tips on how to navigate fatherhood and all that came with it, like essential laundry hacks, and lean on each other for emotional support and guidance.

Today, that group is known as City Dads, and boasts 13,000 members across 37 cities. They've brought New Dad Bootcamps to New York City to help expectant and brand-new dads adjust to their new role (and probably learn more than a few dad jokes). They even have a blog and a podcast, all resources which Somerfeld and Schneider desperately wanted in 2008.

But it's not just about outings and meet-ups: they're giving back to their community, too. Group members regularly get together to donate their time and resources to good causes. For example, City Dads has walked with The Preeclampsia Foundation to help raise awareness, and they've collected and sorted baby clothes for the Good+ Foundation, which fights to help families out of poverty.

Most importantly, members spread the word: It doesn't matter who you are — as long as you identify as a dad, you were welcome.

City Dads is redefining what it means to be a dad. And that's a wonderful thing.

Photo courtesy of City Dads.

The stereotypical image of the American father is now grossly outdated. While many dads work, the idea that fathers are only meant to be tough, stoic breadwinners is one that gets in the way of the truth: that fatherhood is also about being gentle, cooperative, sensitive, and supportive. And that truth is liberating for all parents. It allows for more balance and more equality in relationships.

Groups like City Dads help dads explore their new identities and find their place in the world all while encouraging them to be vulnerable and real. And it's obviously a welcome change, because each year more and more dads join City Dads and make connections that will last them a lifetime.

Being stay-at-home dads gave Somerfeld and Schneider a whole new perspective on life. Getting to share in the big and small moments with their kids is something they wouldn't trade for the world.

"It's the daily, small, wondrous moments that I get to be a part of every single day," says Somerfeld. "The major milestones, are beautiful, but what's lovely is the day in and day out. Jokes that I get to be a part of with my kids, the laughs and sometimes the cries that I get to go through with them, the failures of falls, of stitches, that I'm there to give them a kiss or a hug when they need it."

"That's the most beautiful part of parenting for me. That's something that keeps me plugging away. It keeps me in my role everyday."

Clorox is committed to providing a gentle yet powerful clean, which is why they've partnered with Upworthy to promote those same traits in people, actions and ideas. Cleaning up and strength are important aspects of many of our social good stories. Check out the rest in the campaign to read more.

From Your Site Articles
Science

MIT’s trillion-frames-per-second camera can capture light as it travels

"There's nothing in the universe that looks fast to this camera."

Photo from YouTube video.

Photographing the path of light.

A new camera developed at MIT can photograph a trillion frames per second.

Compare that with a traditional movie camera which takes a mere 24. This new advancement in photographic technology has given scientists the ability to photograph the movement of the fastest thing in the Universe, light.

The actual event occurred in a nano second, but the camera has the ability to slow it down to twenty seconds.

time, science, frames per second, bounced light

The amazing camera.

Photo from YouTube video.

 For some perspective, according to New York Times writer, John Markoff, "If a bullet were tracked in the same fashion moving through the same fluid, the resulting movie would last three years."


In the video below, you'll see experimental footage of light photons traveling 600-million-miles-per-hour through water.

It's impossible to directly record light so the camera takes millions of scans to recreate each image. The process has been called femto-photography and according to Andrea Velten, a researcher involved with the project, "There's nothing in the universe that looks fast to this camera."

(H/T Curiosity)


This article originally appeared on 09.08.17

From Your Site Articles
science
Health

Her mother doesn't get why she's depressed. So she explains the best way she knows how.

Sabrina Benaim eloquently describes what it's like to be depressed.

via Button Poetry/YouTube

Sabrina Benaim's “Explaining My Depression to My Mother."

Sabrina Benaim's “Explaining My Depression to My Mother" is pretty powerful on its own.

But, in it, her mother exhibits some of the most common misconceptions about depression, and I'd like to point out three of them here.

Misconception #1: Depression is triggered by a single event or series of traumatic events.

empathy, human condition, humanity

Depression isn’t just over sleeping.

Most people think depression is triggered by a traumatic event: a loved one dying, a job loss, a national tragedy, some THING. The truth is that depression sometimes just appears out of nowhere. So when you think that a friend or loved one is just in an extended bad mood, reconsider. They could be suffering from depression.

Misconception #2: People with depression are only sad.

family, parents, mom, anxiety

The obligation of anxiety.

Most people who have never experienced depression think depression is just an overwhelming sadness. In reality, depression is a complex set of feelings and physical changes in the body. People who suffer from depression are sad, yes, but they can also be anxious, worried, apathetic, and tense, among other things.

Misconception #3: You can snap out of it.

button poetry, medical condition, biological factors

Making fun plans not wanting to have fun.

The thing with depression is that it's a medical condition that affects your brain chemistry. It has to do with environmental or biological factors first and foremost. Sabrina's mother seems to think that if her daughter would only go through the motions of being happy that then she would become happy. But that's not the case. Depression is a biological illness that leaks into your state of being.

Think of it this way: If you had a cold, could you just “snap out of it"?

No? Exactly.

empathy, misconceptions of depression, mental health

Mom doesn’t understand.

via Button Poetry/YouTube

These are only three of the misconceptions about depression. If you know somebody suffering from depression, you should take a look at this video here below to learn the best way to talk to them:

This article originally appeared on 11.24.15

From Your Site Articles
depression
Health

Persuasion expert shares how one word makes people 30% more likely to change their minds

This tactic can immediately get someone on your side.

via LinkedIn Sales Solutions/Unsplash

Here's how to be 30% more persuasive.

Everybody wants to see themselves in a positive light. That’s the key to understanding Jonah Berger’s simple tactic that makes people 30% more likely to do what you ask. Berger is a marketing professor at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania and the bestselling author of “Magic Words: What to Say to Get Your Way.”

Berger explained the technique using a Stanford University study involving preschoolers. The researchers messed up a classroom and made two similar requests to groups of 5-year-olds to help clean up.

One group was asked, "Can you help clean?" The other was asked, “Can you be a helper and clean up?" The kids who were asked if they wanted to be a “helper” were 30% more likely to want to clean the classroom. The children weren’t interested in cleaning but wanted to be known as “helpers.”

Berger calls the reframing of the question as turning actions into identities.

"It comes down to the difference between actions and identities. We all want to see ourselves as smart and competent and intelligent in a variety of different things,” Berger told Big Think. “But rather than describing someone as hardworking, describing them as a hard worker will make that trait seem more persistent and more likely to last. Rather than asking people to lead more, tell them, 'Can you be a leader?' Rather than asking them to innovate, can you ask them to 'Be an innovator'? By turning actions into identities, you can make people a lot more likely to engage in those desired actions.”

Berger says that learning to reframe requests to appeal to people’s identities will make you more persuasive.

“Framing actions as opportunities to claim desired identities will make people more likely to do them,” Berger tells CNBC Make It. “If voting becomes an opportunity to show myself and others that I am a voter, I’m more likely to do it.”

This technique doesn’t just work because people want to see themselves in a positive light. It also works for the opposite. People also want to avoid seeing themselves being portrayed negatively.

“Cheating is bad, but being a cheater is worse. Losing is bad, being a loser is worse,” Berger says.

The same tactic can also be used to persuade ourselves to change our self-concept. Saying you like to cook is one thing, but calling yourself a chef is an identity. “I’m a runner. I’m a straight-A student. We tell little kids, ‘You don’t just read, you’re a reader,’” Berger says. “You do these things because that’s the identity you hold.”

Berger’s work shows how important it is to hone our communication skills. By simply changing one word, we can get people to comply with our requests more effectively. But, as Berger says, words are magic and we have to use thgem skillfully. “We think individual words don’t really matter that much. That’s a mistake,” says Berger. “You could have excellent ideas, but excellent ideas aren’t necessarily going to get people to listen to you.”


This article originally appeared on 2.11.24

From Your Site Articles
psychology
Pop Culture

A comic about wearing makeup goes from truthful to weird in 4 panels.

A hilariously truthful (and slightly weird) explanation of the "too much makeup" conundrum.

Image set by iri-draws/Tumblr, used with permission.

A comic shows the evolution or devolution from with makeup to without.

Even though I don't wear very much makeup, every few days or so SOMEONE...

(friends, family, internet strangers)

...will weigh in on why I "don't need makeup."

Now, I realize this is meant as a compliment, but this comic offers a hilariously truthful (and slightly weird) explanation of the "too much makeup" conundrum.

social norms, social pressure, friendship, self esteem

“Why do you wear so much makeup?"

Image set by iri-draws/Tumblr, used with permission.

passive aggressive, ego, confidence, beauty

“See, you look pretty without all that makeup on."

Image set by iri-draws/Tumblr, used with permission.

expectations, beauty products, mascara, lipstick

“Wow you look tired, are you sick?"

Image set by iri-draws/Tumblr, used with permission.

lizards, face-painting, hobbies, hilarious comic

When I shed my human skin...

Image set by iri-draws/Tumblr, used with permission.

Not everyone is able to turn into a badass lizard when someone asks about their face-painting hobbies. Don't you kinda wish you could? Just to drive this hilarious comic all the way home, here are four reasons why some women* wear makeup:

*Important side note: Anyone can wear makeup. Not just women. True story.

Four reasons some women* wear makeup:

1. Her cat-eye game is on point.

mascara, eyes, confidence

Her cat-eye game is on point.

Via makeupproject.

2. She has acne or acne scars.

acne, cover up, scarring, medical health

She has acne or acne scars.

Via Carly Humbert.

3. Pink lipstick.

lipstick, beauty products, basics, self-expression

Yes, pink lipstick.

Via Destiny Godley

4. She likes wearing makeup.

appearance, enhancement, creative expression

Happy to be going out and feeling good.

Happy Going Out GIF by Much.

While some people may think putting on makeup is a chore, it can be really fun! For some, makeup is an outlet for creativity and self-expression. For others, it's just a way to feel good about themselves and/or enhance their favorite features.

That's why it feels kinda icky when someone says something along the lines of "You don't need so much makeup!" Now, it's arguable that no one "needs" makeup, but everyone deserves to feel good about the way they look.

For some people, feeling good about their appearance includes wearing makeup. And that's totally OK.


This article originally appeared on 05.28.15

From Your Site Articles
Joy

Adorable 'Haka baby' dance offers a sweet window into Maori culture

Stop what you're doing and let this awesomeness wash over you.

@focuswithdan/TikTok

If you've never seen a Maori haka performed, you're missing out.

The Maori are the indigenous peoples of New Zealand, and their language and customs are an integral part of the island nation. One of the most recognizable Maori traditions outside of New Zealand is the haka, a ceremonial dance or challenge usually performed in a group. The haka represents the pride, strength, and unity of a tribe and is characterized by foot-stamping, body slapping, tongue protrusions, and rhythmic chanting.

Haka is performed at weddings as a sign of reverence and respect for the bride and groom and are also frequently seen before sports competitions, such as rugby matches.


The intensity of the haka is the point. It is meant to be a show of strength and elicit a strong response—which makes seeing a tiny toddler learning to do it all the more adorable.

Here's an example of a rugby haka:

Danny Heke, who goes by @focuswithdan on TikTok, shared a video of a baby learning haka and omigosh it is seriously the most adorable thing. When you see most haka, the dancers aren't smiling—their faces are fierce—so this wee one starting off with an infectious grin is just too much. You can see that he's already getting the moves down, facial expressions and all, though.

@focuswithdan When you grow up learning haka! #haka #teachthemyoung #maori #māori #focuswithdan #fyp #foryou #kapahaka ♬ original sound - 𝕱𝖔𝖈𝖚𝖘𝖂𝖎𝖙𝖍𝕯𝖆𝖓

As cute as this video is, it's part of a larger effort by Heke to use his TikTok channel to share and promote Maori culture. His videos cover everything from the Te Reo Maori language to traditional practices to issues of prejudice Maori people face.

Here he briefly goes over the different body parts that make up haka:

@focuswithdan

♬ Ngati - Just2maori

This video explains the purerehua, or bullroarer, which is a Maori instrument that is sometimes used to call rains during a drought.

@focuswithdan Reply to @illumi.is.naughty Some tribes used this to call the rains during drought 🌧 ⛈ #maori #māori #focuswithdan #fyp ♬ Pūrerehua - 𝕱𝖔𝖈𝖚𝖘𝖂𝖎𝖙𝖍𝕯𝖆𝖓

This one shares a demonstration and explanation of the taiaha, a traditional Maori weapon.

@focuswithdan Reply to @shauncalvert Taiaha, one of the most formidable of the Māori Weaponry #taiaha #maori #māori #focuswithdan #fyp #foryou ♬ original sound - 𝕱𝖔𝖈𝖚𝖘𝖂𝖎𝖙𝖍𝕯𝖆𝖓

For another taste of haka, check out this video from a school graduation:

@focuswithdan When your little cuzzy graduates and her school honours her with a haka #maori #māori #haka #focuswithdan #fyp #graduation @its_keshamarley ♬ Te Kura Kaupapa Māori o Ngāti Ruanui - 𝕱𝖔𝖈𝖚𝖘𝖂𝖎𝖙𝖍𝕯𝖆𝖓

Heke even has some fun with the trolls and racists in the comments who try to tell him his culture is dead (what?).

@focuswithdan Credit to you all my AMAZING FOLLOWERS! #focuswithdan #maori #māori #followers #fyp #trolls ♬ original sound - sounds for slomo_bro!

Unfortunately, it's not just ignorant commenters who spew racist bile. A radio interview clip that aired recently called Maori people "genetically predisposed to crime, alcohol, and underperformance," among other terrible things. (The host, a former mayor of Auckland, has been let go for going along with and contributing to the caller's racist narrative.)

@focuswithdan #newzealand radio in 2021 delivering racist commentaries 🤦🏽‍♂️ #māori #maori #focuswithdan #racism DC: @call.me.lettie2.0 ♬ original sound - luna the unicow

That clip highlights why what Heke is sharing is so important. The whole world is enriched when Indigenous people like the Maori have their voices heard and their culture celebrated. The more we learn from each other and our diverse ways of life, the more enjoyable life on Earth will be and the better we'll get at collaborating to confront the challenges we all share.


This article originally appeared on 01.28.21

From Your Site Articles
indigenous people
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