What if the media covered these 5 stories like the MOAB?

The Mother of All Bombs has, predictably, become the mother of all news stories.

Photo by Department of Defense via Getty Images.

While we don't yet know how the decision was made, what was accomplished, or how many enemy combatants — or civilians — were killed, we know the one thing that matters above all else: We dropped a really, really big bomb today, and kaboom.


The U.S. military's decision to use the most powerful ordnance in its arsenal is a legitimately big deal.

Still, if there's one thing guaranteed to stoke the embers of 24/7 cable news coverage, it's setting off a massive explosion in a foreign country — no matter how long we've already been blowing things up in said country.

And it really doesn't help that the bomb has a cute nickname.

Northwest Florida Daily News File Photo, via AP.

With a moniker like the Mother of All Bombs, or MOAB, it's no wonder we're talking about it to the exclusion of pretty much everything else happening in the world. How can health care funding, cuts to women's health, and a potential foreign espionage racket compete with a humongous explosive device that also happens to be a member of your family?  

There's a lot going on today that shouldn't be drowned out — stories I've taken the liberty of rebranding here so that, like the giant bomb, they get as much attention as humanly possible.

1. The Father of All Obamacare Funding Debates.

Photo by Andrew Harrer-Pool/Getty Images.

While the U.S. military was busy unleashing mayhem in the Afghan desert, President Trump was initiating the FOAOFD by threatening to eliminate a key program that provides federal subsidies to insurers, helping them cover low-income customers, unless the Democrats negotiate with him on an Obamacare replacement plan.

It could be argued this isn't as exciting as kicking up the biggest fire-and-dust cloud since Nagasaki. Still, a lot of poor people could have trouble seeing the doctor if he follows through, which, you know, eesh.

2. The Brother-in-Law of All Abortion Restrictions.

Photo by Stephanie Ott/Picture Alliance/DPA/AP Images.

President Trump signed the BILOAAR into law today. While incapable of penetrating and obliterating subterranean concrete bunkers, the BILOAAR does allow states to deny funds to organizations that provide contraceptive and reproductive health services, which, hey, is still pretty destructive!

3. The Sister's Ex-Boyfriend of All Turkish Constitutional Referenda.

Photo by Chris McGrath/Getty Images.

The SEBOATCR, which goes to a vote Sunday, would overhaul Turkey's constitution, granting President Erdogan the power to appoint his own cabinet officials and dozens of judges, to make sweeping changes without legislative approval, and to dissolve parliament.

Many Turks aren't convinced the vote will be fair, anticipating shenanigans from Erdogan's camp, which has been purging officials since a failed coup last July. If it goes through, many opponents fear the changes will mark the country's transition from kind-of-maybe-dictatorship to full-on dictatorship.

Despite the fact that the referendum is not an 11-ton exploding metal tube, Turkey is a NATO ally, as well as one of the main power brokers in the ongoing Syrian civil war, so the vote could be fairly important.

4. The First Cousin Once Removed of All Potentially Shocking Developments in the Russia Investigation.

Russians. Photo by Michael Klimentyev/Getty Images.

An anonymous source told The Guardian that U.S. investigators now have "specific concrete and corroborative evidence of collusion" between members of the Trump campaign and Russian operatives.

The FCOROAPSDITRI, as it's come to be known, could open the door to criminal prosecutions of associates of the president of the United States, which could turn out to be almost as consequential as pushing a bomb the size of a couple of pick-up trucks out of a plane.

5. The Grandmother's Friend Who Always Comes to Holidays and Whose Name You Definitely Should Know by Now but Don't of All New Money Streams for Programs That Enrich the Lives of Girls of Color.

Warren Buffett. Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images.

There's even some good non-bomb news! And it comes in the form of the GFWACTHAWNYDSKBNBDOANMSFPTETLOGOC.

Two of Warren Buffett's children pledged $90 million to organizations that serve girls of color, allowing them unprecedented flexibility with the funds and freedom to determine their own needs.

In one fell swoop — and with little fanfare — the Buffetts managed to strike a blow for justice and promote equality without immolating any human beings.

Interested now, America?

That's what I thought.

Photo via Eglin Air Force Base via AP.

Boom.

This article originally appeared on 01.09.18


Why should a superintendent get a raise while teachers in the same district struggling to make ends meet see their paychecks flatline — year after year after year?

Teacher Deyshia Hargrave begged the question. Minutes later, she was handcuffed and placed in the backseat of a cop car.

The scene was captured below by YouTube user Chris Rosa, who attended a board meeting for Vermilion Parish Schools in Louisiana.

You can watch Hargrave begin speaking about 33 seconds in. The situation starts becoming contentious around 6:35 minutes. Hargrave is arrested at 8:35, and then walked outside in handcuffs and placed in the back of police vehicle. (Story continues below.)



"We work very hard with very little to maintain the salaries that we have," Hargrave, who teaches middle school language arts, said during a public comment portion of the meeting, stating that she's seen classroom sizes balloon during her time at the school with no increased compensation. "We're meeting those goals, while someone in that position of leadership [the superintendent] is getting raise? It's a sad, sad day to be a teacher in Vermilion Parish."

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