What if the media covered these 5 stories like the MOAB?

The Mother of All Bombs has, predictably, become the mother of all news stories.

Photo by Department of Defense via Getty Images.

While we don't yet know how the decision was made, what was accomplished, or how many enemy combatants — or civilians — were killed, we know the one thing that matters above all else: We dropped a really, really big bomb today, and kaboom.


The U.S. military's decision to use the most powerful ordnance in its arsenal is a legitimately big deal.

Still, if there's one thing guaranteed to stoke the embers of 24/7 cable news coverage, it's setting off a massive explosion in a foreign country — no matter how long we've already been blowing things up in said country.

And it really doesn't help that the bomb has a cute nickname.

Northwest Florida Daily News File Photo, via AP.

With a moniker like the Mother of All Bombs, or MOAB, it's no wonder we're talking about it to the exclusion of pretty much everything else happening in the world. How can health care funding, cuts to women's health, and a potential foreign espionage racket compete with a humongous explosive device that also happens to be a member of your family?  

There's a lot going on today that shouldn't be drowned out — stories I've taken the liberty of rebranding here so that, like the giant bomb, they get as much attention as humanly possible.

1. The Father of All Obamacare Funding Debates.

Photo by Andrew Harrer-Pool/Getty Images.

While the U.S. military was busy unleashing mayhem in the Afghan desert, President Trump was initiating the FOAOFD by threatening to eliminate a key program that provides federal subsidies to insurers, helping them cover low-income customers, unless the Democrats negotiate with him on an Obamacare replacement plan.

It could be argued this isn't as exciting as kicking up the biggest fire-and-dust cloud since Nagasaki. Still, a lot of poor people could have trouble seeing the doctor if he follows through, which, you know, eesh.

2. The Brother-in-Law of All Abortion Restrictions.

Photo by Stephanie Ott/Picture Alliance/DPA/AP Images.

President Trump signed the BILOAAR into law today. While incapable of penetrating and obliterating subterranean concrete bunkers, the BILOAAR does allow states to deny funds to organizations that provide contraceptive and reproductive health services, which, hey, is still pretty destructive!

3. The Sister's Ex-Boyfriend of All Turkish Constitutional Referenda.

Photo by Chris McGrath/Getty Images.

The SEBOATCR, which goes to a vote Sunday, would overhaul Turkey's constitution, granting President Erdogan the power to appoint his own cabinet officials and dozens of judges, to make sweeping changes without legislative approval, and to dissolve parliament.

Many Turks aren't convinced the vote will be fair, anticipating shenanigans from Erdogan's camp, which has been purging officials since a failed coup last July. If it goes through, many opponents fear the changes will mark the country's transition from kind-of-maybe-dictatorship to full-on dictatorship.

Despite the fact that the referendum is not an 11-ton exploding metal tube, Turkey is a NATO ally, as well as one of the main power brokers in the ongoing Syrian civil war, so the vote could be fairly important.

4. The First Cousin Once Removed of All Potentially Shocking Developments in the Russia Investigation.

Russians. Photo by Michael Klimentyev/Getty Images.

An anonymous source told The Guardian that U.S. investigators now have "specific concrete and corroborative evidence of collusion" between members of the Trump campaign and Russian operatives.

The FCOROAPSDITRI, as it's come to be known, could open the door to criminal prosecutions of associates of the president of the United States, which could turn out to be almost as consequential as pushing a bomb the size of a couple of pick-up trucks out of a plane.

5. The Grandmother's Friend Who Always Comes to Holidays and Whose Name You Definitely Should Know by Now but Don't of All New Money Streams for Programs That Enrich the Lives of Girls of Color.

Warren Buffett. Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images.

There's even some good non-bomb news! And it comes in the form of the GFWACTHAWNYDSKBNBDOANMSFPTETLOGOC.

Two of Warren Buffett's children pledged $90 million to organizations that serve girls of color, allowing them unprecedented flexibility with the funds and freedom to determine their own needs.

In one fell swoop — and with little fanfare — the Buffetts managed to strike a blow for justice and promote equality without immolating any human beings.

Interested now, America?

That's what I thought.

Photo via Eglin Air Force Base via AP.

Boom.

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash
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Alone, hungry, and scared, Glenda dialed 2-1-1 for help. The person on the other end of the line directed her to the Houston-based nonprofit Bread of Life, founded by St. John's United Methodist pastors Rudy and Juanita Rasmus.

For nearly 30 years, Bread of Life has been at the forefront of HIV/AIDS prevention, eliminating food insecurity, providing permanent housing to formerly homeless individuals and disaster relief.

Glenda sat in her car for 20 minutes outside of the building, trying to muster up the courage to get out and ask for help. She'd never been in this situation before, and she was terrified.

When she finally got out, she encountered Eva Thibaudeau, who happened to be walking down the street at the exact same time. Thibaudeau is the CEO of Temenos CDC, a nonprofit multi-unit housing development also founded by the Rasmuses, with a mission to serve Midtown Houston's homeless population.

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Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash
True

Glenda moved to Houston from Ohio just before the pandemic hit. She didn't know that COVID-19-related delays would make it difficult to get her Texas driver's license and apply for unemployment benefits. She quickly found herself in an impossible situation — stranded in a strange place without money for food, gas, or a job to provide what she needed.

Alone, hungry, and scared, Glenda dialed 2-1-1 for help. The person on the other end of the line directed her to the Houston-based nonprofit Bread of Life, founded by St. John's United Methodist pastors Rudy and Juanita Rasmus.

For nearly 30 years, Bread of Life has been at the forefront of HIV/AIDS prevention, eliminating food insecurity, providing permanent housing to formerly homeless individuals and disaster relief.

Glenda sat in her car for 20 minutes outside of the building, trying to muster up the courage to get out and ask for help. She'd never been in this situation before, and she was terrified.

When she finally got out, she encountered Eva Thibaudeau, who happened to be walking down the street at the exact same time. Thibaudeau is the CEO of Temenos CDC, a nonprofit multi-unit housing development also founded by the Rasmuses, with a mission to serve Midtown Houston's homeless population.

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Buttigieg explained the problem with originalism in a segment on MSNBC, speaking from what McNamara jokingly called his "irritatingly immaculate kitchen." And in his usual fashion, he totally nails it. After explaining that he sees "a pathway to judicial activism cloaked in judicial humility" in Coney Barrett's descriptions of herself, he followed up with:

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Jordan Matter Photography shared a documentary video about Howell on Facebook—part of his "Unstoppable" series—that has inspired thousands. In it, we get to see Howell's impressive moves and clear love of the art form. Howell shares parts of her life story, including the loss of her mother in a car accident when she was little and how she was raised by a supportive aunt who helped her pursue her dance ambitions. She also explained how she's had to deal with hate comments and bullying from people who judge her based on her appearance.

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