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Health

The best parenting advice I've read in a long time: Someone will always criticize you.

You can't please everyone!

parenting, children, community, confidence

Parenting children requires some serious balancing skills.

This article originally appeared on 03.08.16


Like most parents, I didn't know what I was doing when I first became a mom — because I'd never done it before.

I was 27 when our first child joined our family through adoption. He was 10 months old.

My son and me shortly after his adoption. That look on my face can probably best be described as "clueless but hopeful." All photos of my kids and me belong to me.



I'd read everything I could get my hands on — books, articles, blog posts, and a whole lot more — in the year leading up to his adoption. So I had some solid book knowledge. But real life experience? Nah.

Sure, I babysat as a teenager, and I was a really good parent before I actually became one. However, as most parents know, parenting is very much a learn-as-you-go gig. We use the abstract knowledge we arm ourselves with and apply it the best we can while trying to keep our heads above water.

My husband and I made some mistakes, and we did some things brilliantly.

We faced a lot of challenges — both the regular ones that all new parents encounter and some more complex ones because our son spent 10 months in an orphanage before we became his parents. But we felt pretty good about our family, and we gained confidence as parents.

We thought: "Hey, we like this parenting thing. And we're decent at it. We're not the worst. Let's do it again!"

So less than a year and a half later, I became a second-time mom when we adopted our daughter, Molley.

My daughter and me on her first birthday, about four months after she joined our family.

She was eight months old — and just as amazing as our son. After she was with us for about six months and we'd overcome some serious health challenges, her personality began to develop, and I quickly realized something:

I had no idea what I was doing.

Seriously, no idea.

All of that parenting experience I'd gained with my son did. not. apply. to. this. child.

She was a different person with a totally different personality, and those magical "skills" I'd allowed myself to think I'd developed were basically useless.

She was spirited and clever, kind and thoughtful, inquisitive and skeptical, opinionated and insistent.

And did I mention spirited?

After the first time she threw herself down on the ground in public and proceeded to scream bloody murder — probably when she was around 15 months old — because she wasn't interested in whatever I'd suggested, I called my mom.

Not my child. But it totally could have been.

"What's happening?" I asked. "Mattix never did this. What even is going on here?! The world is ending. Send help STAT!"

As moms often do, she imparted upon me some words of wisdom: Kids aren't carbon copies of each other. And sometimes, we have to do everything differently ... even when what we did before worked.

So that's what I did.

What Laditan wrote is a variation of what many parents have said and believed since, well, the beginning of time.

Yes, it takes a village. And no, we shouldn't parent in a silo. We benefit greatly from the help of friends and family and sometimes even complete strangers. But when it comes down to it, there's a wide space between "best parent ever" and "worst parent on the planet" — and as long as we're trying hard and landing somewhere slightly to the left of the middle, we're probably doing just fine.

So unless we see actual abuse, we should probably just keep our mouths shut or maybe offer a few encouraging words or a small sign of solidarity to the other parents in the trenches. 'Cause it's very likely that they're doing their best, too.

You know the thing about "good parents?" There's not just one type.

That's why I absolutely loved a recent post by mom and author Bunmi Laditan. She's the comedic genius behind Honest Toddler on Twitter. (If you have young kids and you find humor to be a coping mechanism for the hard stuff parenting throws at you, do yourself a favor and follow her.) She also keeps us laughing, nodding our heads, and even crying a little with her Facebook posts.

But this one in particular is something every parent should read:

She writes:

"If you work, you're missing your kid's childhood. If you stay home, you're wasting your education and not giving them an example of a strong, independent woman. If you're a strict disciplinarian, your children will be stunted emotionally with damaged spirits. If you practice gentle parenting, you're raising a future serial killer.
\n\nIf you homeschool, your child will never be able to succeed in society and will live in your basement playing World of Warcraft and and attend furry conventions forever. If they go to private school, they'll be elitist snobs. If they go to public school, good luck because they'll be on heroin before 7th grade and are probably pregnant right now.
\n\n\n\nIf you have only one child, they're going to be lonely and when you die, they'll have no one. If you have two of the same sex, how sad for you- surely you'll try for the opposite gender? If you have three or more, you're contributing to the collapse of the environment, imminent extinction of all protected species and overpopulation with your freakishly large family.
\n\n\n\nIf you're raising a vegan, you're annoying and your child's bones are surely brittle as hell. If your kids eat meat, you're a ruthless murderer and don't you know sausage causes cancer? If your kids can't have sugar, you're denying them a proper childhood. If your kids can have sugar, you're setting them up for a life of obesity and a snack cake addiction.
\n\n\n\nIf you breastfed, it was either for too long or not long enough and please do it under a tarp in a pitch black room because nobody wants to see your sex breasts. If you didn't breastfeed, your child will never know true love, good health, or a real mother's love.
\n\n\n\nThe moral of the story is, when it comes to parenting, there is always someone who'll think you're doing it all wrong so unless they're paying your bills, just do you."

After hearing the highest of praises and the lowest of insults when my daughter was younger, that's the mental space I had to get myself to.

I kept on keeping on, and you know what? It's going great. We got through our rough period that lasted about three years — until Molley was around 5 — and landed in a really positive place. We have an amazing relationship, and she continues to be a remarkable human being.

She even got me over my hatred of selfies!

Molley is 7.5 now and the past few years of parenting her have been an incredible experience — fun, humbling, interesting, and, of course, hard sometimes. We recently learned after some extensive testing that she's "gifted."

Her 7.5-year-old brain has the logical reasoning and comprehension abilities of a child 10 years old, and her vocabulary is many grade levels above that of a typical second-grader. It all kind of makes sense now — all of those hard times we had — and I'm so glad I didn't let the opinions of others dictate what I did or didn't do.

Being silly at lunch one day.

Did I make mistakes? Of course I did. Any parent who says otherwise is being dishonest. But I made choices that I felt were best for my child, and in the end, they were generally good ones. Had those strangers who wanted to make me feel like the worst mother ever been successful, maybe we wouldn't be in such a good place now. I'm certain we'll encounter bumps and challenges in the future because that's what happens with parenting and kids. But I know we can handle whatever comes up.

I parented her the way I felt would work best, adjusting as we went.

I did most things differently than I had with Mattix, all in response to her needs. It just so happens that parenting Molley in public was a bit more of a spectacle, as she was a lot more vocal and physical about her displeasure, which she seemed to experience often.

I didn't allow us to interrupt other people's dining or shopping experiences. But on the sidewalk, at the park, in the parking lot, at the super-noisy pizzeria where we could barely even hear ourselves talk because it was so loud ... we did our thing. If she hurled her sippy cup or dropped her stuffed animal and then promptly hit the deck to really drive home the point about how annoyed she was with me, we waited there until she got up herself, picked up her stuff, and walked on her own.

Sometimes that took five minutes. Sometimes it took 45. It turns out that we're well-matched in the stubbornness department, and I truly felt that what we were doing was best.

Parenting her at home was quite different, too, but nobody was around to judge that.

I'd noticed things about Molley that were different. She was incredibly verbal by 12 months old — she had hundreds of words and spoke in sentences. By 18 months old, she'd go to her room when she was mad and stay there for hours, waiting me out, declining my offers to join the rest of us.

I was certainly learning as I went, but I knew one thing for sure: I couldn't parent her like a typical child. Because she wasn't a typical child. And that meant people, especially strangers, had lots of opinions.

I learned a few things very quickly: First, a lot of people want you to know exactly what they think of your parenting skills and style.

The second thing I learned is that there's no consistency to others' opinions. One person would walk by us, doing our thing on the sidewalk during a meltdown, and tell me what a wonderful, patient mother I was and how my daughter was going to grow into a respectful, good person because of what I was doing.

Five minutes later, another person would encounter us in the exact same situation and loudly comment about what a terrible mother I was and remark upon me being "the reason kids are so awful these days."

It happened all the time. The fact that we obviously look so different from each other probably made us stand out a bit more, but I think this is something all parents of spirited children encounter. People would even take photos of us with their smartphones. Now that I think about it, I wonder how many "shame on this parent" Facebook posts we were featured in.

It didn't take me long to tune out the negative, focus on my children and myself, and put my energy into being the best parent I could be, the opinions of strangers notwithstanding.

Still, it's not fun to constantly hear you suck because you're not doing something the way someone else thinks you should.

Parenting is fantastic — it's the best part of life I've ever undertaken — and it's a lot of work. As rewarding as it is, it can be physically tiring (OMG my kids didn't sleep when they were babies), and it can be emotionally draining.

My kids and me, shortly after our daughter joined our family. Ohhh, the look of sweet naiveté on my face...

Most of us are doing the best we can. We're reaching out and asking for help and advice when we want or need it. We're reading everything we can. We're adjusting our techniques and reactions when they're not working. In the interest of keeping it real, some of us will admit we're crying on the floor of our bedroom closet on occasion.

All of that is because we care. We love our kids. We want to be good parents for them.


Duran Duran lead singer Simon LeBon poses with a young fan

Imagine this: you're a fourth grade language arts teacher in Dallas, and like many Gen X-ers, your obsession with Duran Duran never waned. So much so that you still have dolls of each member of the band in the classroom and, according to Austin Wood's article for the Lake Highlands Advocate, even an old telephone in case (lead singer) "Simon LeBon calls."

This describes Miriam Osborne, a fourth grade teacher at White Rock Elementary in the Lake Highlands district of Dallas, Texas. Wood shares in "White Rock E.S. student, inspired by teacher, meets Simon LeBon" that one of Osborne's students, 10-year-old Ava Meyers, was getting an early pickup for Christmas break, as her family was heading to the U.K. for a holiday wedding. As they were saying their goodbyes in the hallway, Osborne kiddingly said to Meyers, "Find Duran Duran."

gif of Duran Duran performingDuran Duran 80S GIFGiphy


Cut to: Ava and her family, including her mom Zahara, fly across the pond to find themselves in the Putney neighborhood of London. After a day of sightseeing, Zahara shares, "I was just Googling things to do in Putney, and the first thing that popped up was 'Simon Le Bon lives in Putney from Duran Duran.'”

Zahara did a little sleuthing and found Simon's house, thinking perhaps a Christmas stroll by the home would be exciting. But, according to the article, Ava felt they could do better. She and "an 83-year-old relative named Nick, who apparently has courage in droves, went to the door and tried a knock. Zahara was initially hesitant but assumed Le Bon would be away on vacation, so she figured it was harmless. Le Bon’s son-in-law answered, his wife came to the door next, and following a few moments of getting pitched the idea by Nick, agreed to get her husband 'because it was Christmas.'"

And just like that, Simon LeBon appeared in the doorway. He warmly greeted Ava and her family and even took pictures. "It was just crazy," Ava exclaimed.

But possibly more excited was Miriam Osborne, back in the States. She proudly shared the photo (which had been texted to her) with many of her friends and even encouraged Ava to recount the story to her classmates when they returned from the break. Wood shares, "Osborne’s connection to the band goes back to her childhood in El Paso in the ’80s. As the daughter of a Syrian immigrant, she says she had trouble fitting in and finding an identity. Some days, she and her brothers would travel across town to get records from a British record store."

Miriam explains she used her babysitting money to buy her first Duran Duran record. "And so I had been a fan, literally, for 43 years—my entire lifetime."

gif of Simon LeBonDuran Duran GIFGiphy

Osborne's love of Duran Duran, and many '80s bands in general, nostalgically connects her to a throughline for her life that she tries to impart onto the students as well. "Music is a connector, and it connected me to a world that I didn’t always fit in as a child. It helped me find people who I still love to this day, and it’s a big part of this classroom with me and the students I teach, because everybody has a story, and there’s something really incredible about hearing something and it taking you to a happy moment."

As for Ava? She's now taking guitar lessons. And perhaps one day, she can become so famous and inspirational, a teacher sends a student off to find her on a Christmas vacation in the future.

Race & Ethnicity

Woman's rare antique turned away from 'Antique Roadshow' for heart-wrenching reason

"I just love you for bringing it in and thank you so much for making me so sad."

Woman's antique turned away from 'Antique Roadshow'

People come by things in all sorts of ways. Sometimes you find something while at a garage sale and sometimes it's because a family member passed away and it was left to them. After coming into possession of the item, the owner may be tempted to see how much it's worth so it can be documented for insurance purposes or sold.

On a recent episode of BBC One's Antique Roadshow, a woman brought an ivory bracelet to be appraised. Interestingly enough, the expert didn't meet this rare find with excitement, but appeared somber. The antique expert, Ronnie Archer-Morgan carefully explains the purpose of the bracelet in what appears to be a tense emotional exchange.

There would be no appraisal of this antique ivory bracelet adorned with beautiful script around the circumference. Archer-Morgan gives a brief disclaimer that he and the Antique Roadshow disapprove of the trade of ivory, though that was not his reason for refusing the ivory bangle.

"This ivory bangle here is not about trading in ivory, it’s about trading in human life, and it’s probably one of the most difficult things that I’ve ever had to talk about. But talk about it we must," Archer-Morgan says.

Ronnie Archer-Morgan, Antiques Roadshow, BBC, antiques, ivoryRonnie Archer-Morgan on an episode of the BBC's Antiques RoadshowImage via Antqiues Roadshow


Turns out the woman had no idea what she had in her possession as she purchased it from an estate sale over 30 years before. One of the elderly residents she cared for passed away and the woman found the ivory bracelet among the things being sold. Finding the bangle particularly intriguing with the fancy inscription around it, she decided to purchase the unique piece of jewelry.

After explaining that his great-grandmother was once enslaved in Nova Scotia, Canada before being returned to Sierra Leone, Archer-Morgan concluded he could not price the item.

Antiques Roadshow, BBC, Ronnie Archer MorganRonnie Archer-Morgan holds the ivory bracelet he refused to valueImage via Antiques Roadshow/BBC

"I just don’t want to value it. I do not want to put a price on something that signifies such an awful business. But the value is in the lessons that this can tell people," he tells the woman.

In the end the woman leaves without knowing the monetary value of the item but with a wealth of knowledge she didn't have before visiting. Now she can continue to share the significance of the antique with others. Watch the full explanation below:


- YouTubewww.youtube.com

This article originally appeared last year.

Modern Families

The things we carry

The most poignant moments are honoring those who carried and still carry us.

Image courtesy Tara Roth

Tara Roth with her family

Editor's Note: This essay originally appeared on LinkedIn, you can read it here. It was republished here with permission from Tara Roth.

Today is the two-month anniversary of our evacuation from the Palisades Fire. Although we still don't know when we can return, we have learned - and are grateful for - so much.

It’s funny what the mind latches onto when under duress. One of my first thoughts amidst the surreal encroaching flames, circling smoke, debris and dust in the choking orange air, I noticed what people carried. What they brought with them as they rolled their suitcases down to Pacific Coast Highway, what was strapped to their backs, what they carried in their hands—no one really knowing what they were leaving behind or what, if anything, they may return to. And I thought of Tim O’Brien’s powerful piece about the Vietnam War, The Things They Carried, and reflected on what his wisdom could, with hindsight, eventually teach us. I’ve aggregated his words (with poetic license) below:

“For the most part they carried themselves with poise, a kind of dignity. They shared the weight of memory….the world would take on the old logic—absolute silence, then the wind, then sunlight, then voices… despite the unknowns, they made their legs move. They endured. They took up what others could no longer bear. Often they carried each other.”

Perhaps primed by the memory of this piece, my senses heightened by the chaos around me and the COVID that wracked my body, I observed what we carried. While the LA fires do not compare to the ravages of war, they evoked the same primal instincts. We were under siege. We needed to survive. The fires were redefining what we knew as familiar, as home—snatching safety and seizing the comfort of our quotidian lives that we took for granted—that so many of us long for again.

We carry the grief and loss and devastation and desolation of communities. We carry the memories constructed lovingly into homes and structures that now stand only in our mind’s eye—the library where families got their children's first library card, the beauty salon started by a young woman who immigrated from Russia, now no longer a young woman, and passed down to her daughter. Whole communities and identities carved and scrimped for, then lost, with debris and dust that settles in the wind, smattered by the rains—schools, restaurants, churches, businesses, the bench of a first kiss, the home where the couple brought their newborn from the hospital for the first time.

And even when houses stand, like mine, there’s something else we carry—after the initial elation of the news that our homes remain, a sort of survivor’s guilt sets in realizing how much we have when others have lost everything. We have homes to return to yet never could have imagined how it feels to drive past scarred earth and scorched chimneys, the thundering absence of a neighborhood, the empty lots of ashes of memories—a chronic reminder of all that was lost and the toll of our good luck. We carry this too.

And we, innocent children of the developed world, didn’t consider that even if a structure is standing, that we need power lines, sanitation, safe running water, and neighbors to look out for each other. That we will need countless months of waste removal and remediation. That we will continue to don masks and gloves to enter these standing, yet uninhabitable, structures.

The most poignant moments are honoring those who carried and still carry us. The first responders, the countless volunteers, those who prepared hot meals and donated clothes and comforts. Those who opened their homes so generously to my and myriad other families. The hundreds of people who reached out—from the oldest of friends to people I haven't talked to in decades to those with whom I shared maybe just a professional moment in the last few months. The care and love and generosity and grace, extended by so many.

When I reflect on this time, still living displaced in the homes of various warm-hearted friends, I think about the universality of human suffering and joy, wretchedness and wonder. And how, at our best, we come together in crisis. We know that we are a part of something greater, and we act without hesitation to lend a hand to carry each other. We carry hope about the resilience we have already witnessed as communities come together and pledge to reimagine and rebuild. And, this is what I want us to carry forward.


Tara Roth is the president of the Goldhirsh Foundation

Community

People are split over noise complaint note woman received after living in apartment for 2 days

Upstairs and downstairs neighbors are at war, but here's who they should really be mad at.

Canva Photos

Apartment living isn't easy...

People who live in apartments are often at war with their neighbors, and the weapon of choice is nasty handwritten notes. Conflicts between upstairs and downstairs neighbors are a tale as old as time. But now the evidence is being logged on the Internet for all to see—and weigh in on.

Everyone has an opinion on passive-aggressive noise complaints from neighbors, but the reality is that the people living in these situations are truly at a loss for how to make things better. One neighbor will swear up and down they're not making any noise, while the person that lives under them complains about the walls shaking and picture frames falling off of their nails. It's an impasse. Who's in the right here?

A woman and her husband recently got a fairly polite but aggressive note about their behavior, almost immediately after moving into their apartment.

gif of a woman shushing a man while he drivesPolitely asking for silence is a lost art. Giphy

She posted it in the subreddit r/Apartmentliving asking for advice. The note reads, in scratchy handwriting:

"Welcome new neighbors, me and my wife live below you and would like to ask if you would please try and walk a little softer, these apartments were built extremely fast and they cut corners especially with the sound proofing. We can hear which room your in, we could probably count your steps. It just drones and shakes our walls and floors and we end up with bad headaches. I would really appreciate it, and my wife too."

The OP had lived in the apartment for a grand total of two days before receiving the note. And she's not the only one. Social media is bursting with similar notes, stories, and screenshots of baffling text exchanges.

See the full post below:

Users were surprisingly divided on the note. Some who knew the pain and frustration of being a downstairs neighbor found it reasonable and polite. Others found it absolutely unhinged and ridiculous.

At face value, asking a person to "walk a little softer" in their own home sounds unreasonable, right? Claiming that only two days of the OP simply existing in her home is causing bad headaches is a little over dramatic, as well.

But people who have lived as downstairs neighbors before get it. Every little noise gets amplified and it really does sound like your neighbors are stomping around, jumping up and down, dragging chains along the floor, and doing all kinds of disruptive things.

The response was mixed. Some urged OP and her husband to be more mindful of the way they move around when they're home:

"I grew up in apartments and naturally walk lightly now when at home, but my house friends walk so heavy. I can notice the difference significantly when we’re both at my place so it’s not a bad idea to take notice if you are just a naturally heavy walker and also no shoes inside. It doesn’t sound too mean but let’s hope just with being a bit more aware then they don’t become annoyingggggg."

"I live in a downstairs unit and have 3 men living above me. The soundproofing is really decent, and I can barely hear 2 of them walking around, they're so quiet. They're big dudes, too. The last guy walks like he weighs 800lbs and has ski boots on, it's insane. I've never heard anyone walk so loudly before, it drives me crazy. I dread him coming home from work every day because I have to listen to him stomp back and forth and shake the walls/ceiling. Some people absolutely don't know how to walk gently."

"I think people just don’t realize that it’s possible to walk normally without making heavy steps."

Other apartment-dwellers were more blunt; opining that the note was way out of line, especially after such a short time:

"Obviously, try to be mindful of how hard you're walking, but beyond that, there's nothing you really can do. You've gotta live your life, and you're paying to do so in that space, so as long as you aren't doing unreasonable things at unreasonable hours, then it's kinda their problem and not yours. That might sound callous, but I mean, if they expect to never have to hear other people, then they may need to reconsider living in an apartment."

"I’d ignore it. Don’t engage. You can walk around, watch tv, take a shower and close cabinets any time of the day or night as long as you’re not screaming, slamming, etc. then there’s nothing they can do.."

"Have you tried learning how to float?"

"If you're counting someone's steps you literally need to find a hobby. My parents still live in an apartment and my Mom does this kind of stuff. Every neighbor bothers her with the least amount of noise. If you have this issue, maybe consider housing that isn't attached to a neighbor?"

In the end, a few people had advice for the couple, or any upstairs neighbor: Put down some extra rugs and make sure you're wearing slippers when walking around the house. That's a simple gesture almost anyone can do for their neighbor's comfort. And, if you can, step lightly. Beyond that, there's not much else you can do.

Buried in the note, however, is the true culprit: Management!

gif of toddler making a faceThere's another culprit here.Giphy

The problem with these conflicts is that neither the upstairs or downstairs neighbor is really wrong. The upstairs neighbor can be doing absolutely nothing of note and it can still be deafeningly loud for the lower tenant. That's a sign of a crappy building that, as the note writer admits, points to corners that have been cut during construction

Some estimates say that apartments with better soundproofing are worth up to 20% more than noisier units. And the time spent dealing with constant complains and quarrels between neighbors is surely costly in its own way. Instead of writing nasty notes, neighbors should put pressure on management to address soundproofing issues—it's for the landlord's own good! They can't exactly remodel the entire building in most cases, but they should be willing to consider adding thick carpet pads, purchasing heavy curtains and drapes, or lining the air ducts to limit sound traveling between units.

Some have argued that landlords and management companies are inherently unethical, or at the very least, incentivized to be lazy and address problems in the cheapest way possible. If you want your apartment experience to get better, send these passive aggressive notes to them instead of your well-meaning neighbors.