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Trans man 'blindsided' by all the loneliness and suspicion that comes with being male

"I'm mourning the loss of a privilege I didn't even know I had."

Photo credit: Canva

This resonated with so many men.

Trans men and trans women have the unique experience of living life as more than one gender—and all the societal expectations and/or baggage that comes along with that. Their unique perspectives provide them with extremely valuable insights and opportunities for deep understanding—which, hopefully, provides those who are listening with newfound compassion for the struggle each sex endures.

Recently, a trans man opened up about the “culture shock” of navigating male loneliness, and shared how, if they had been forced to grow up with the often insidious messaging boys and men receive, it would have really damaged their psyche.

In a Reddit post, the man first got candid about the “social isolation” that comes from constantly being perceived as a "potential predator.”

It hurts
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While he noted that “all strangers, no matter their gender, keep their guard up around me,” women in particular came across as “incredibly aloof, cold, and mirthless." He did add the disclaimer that, as someone who used to have to protect themselves in the same way, they understood where the “armor” was coming from (“women aren’t just being needlessly guard[ed]”). But, for those who had never experienced life as a woman, he could easily see how this type of behavior could be viewed as “a conspiracy" against the other sex.

“Even now, with all that I know about navigating the world as a woman, I’m failing to convince my monkey-brain that this armor isn’t social rejection.”

Then there’s the lack of "inherent camaraderie,” which is something the OP got to experience as a woman, but now, is hard won. “The fact that I don’t ambiently experience mutual kinship in basic exchanges anymore is an insanely lonely feeling,” he wrote, "I'm mourning the loss of a privilege I didn’t even know I had.”

He added that the only way it’s acceptable for men to share platonic intimacy with one another is in the “very specific environment” often portrayed by the media, in activities that involve “being teamed up against an opposing force.” Otherwise, that type of emotional connection makes men seem “soft” and triggers “garden variety homophobia.”

male loneliness, male loneliness epidemic, trans, trans man, being a man, male friendshipsFrom CBS' 'Seal Team'media4.giphy.com

This led the OP to this tragic conclusion: “The human species looks so much colder standing from this side.”

“It’s now blatantly clear to me that most cis men probably experience chronic emotional malnutrition. They're deprived of social connection just enough for it to seriously f**k with their psyches, but not enough for them to realize that it’s happening,” he wrote, adding that it certainly would have done a number on him mentally to have grown up that way.

This post resonated with so many well-meaning men who have dealt with some form of this loneliness and stigma their entire lives.

“It’s so weird, like, I remember really specifically the moment going from kid to teenager where I was seen as like… cute, or harmless, or whatever to a possible threat. And it genuinely, like, really, really, really fucks you up in a way that I don’t ever hear talked about. Which is nuts to me because it’s honestly one of the worst things that’s happened to me! And a guy tried to kill me once!”

“I'm a guy who's been on the other end of that situation. Once, girl of maybe 10-12 or so [was] alone in a big store and looking scared about being alone. I consider myself a generally good person and my instinct obviously is to go to her and try and help. I genuinely paused after a step, thinking how does a strange guy twice her age approaching in this situation make anything better? It kinda sucks that I have that thought.”

“Growing up I was a big crier…Members of my family and essentially every adult in my life tried to do literally everything they could to break me of that. I remember being punished and forced to do "masculine" things in middle school like wind sprints and burpees if I did…I was rewarded for being angry instead of crying… if I got upset and swore I wasn't punished at first because it was viewed as better than the alternative…It really messed me up and honestly it didn't help that I've had complicated thoughts about my own gender since I was really young.”

“I hate seeing people bristle up when I'm being genuinely friendly and helpful. On the one hand, I know that folks are shaped by their experiences and a lot of folks have had a bad time with guys who look and sound like me. On the other hand, I can't really help what I look like or where I grew up! One good thing is that this has caused me to think a lot more about my own biases.”

male loneliness, male loneliness epidemic, trans, trans man, being a man, male friendships"It sucks to realize that just being naturally energetic, jolly, friendly, and boisterous intimidates smaller/more timid people when you're a guy.”Photo credit: Canva

“When you’ve lived under a system your whole life, learned and followed its rules of survival, and you don’t see any chance of it changing in your lifetime, it switches on a kind of coping mechanism convincing you that it’s somehow right.”

“I'm a large, loud, physically imposing man [think Hagrid with a slight cowboy vibe]... which means that I have learned to very intentionally ‘turn down’ my presence in social spaces so that people aren't freaked out. It sucks to realize that just being naturally energetic, jolly, friendly, and boisterous intimidates smaller/more timid people when you're a guy.”

“As someone who’s had to coach a newly transitioned guy that everyone just kinda doesn’t like you anymore for no discernible reason and that’s just how it is, yeah it must be a real shock to see stuff from the other side…Made me think about how different the female side of the world I live in must be. Maybe it’s a lot more open in some ways. Not like I’ll ever know though, got no choice but to play the cards I’ve been dealt.”

Still, there were a few that also offered some words of encouragement, by sharing how they were able to break through stigma, form their own friend groups, and develop emotional awareness in spite of it all.

“Practicing emotional reflection allowed me to have a more fulfilling relationship where I could immediately recognize and address how things made me feel bad before things got worse - not just with my SO, but with friends, too. Thankfully, I think society's getting a lot better at recognizing mental health struggles, including the importance of men being able to recognize the value of addressing their emotional needs.”

“Genuinely, texting your boys ‘I love you’ makes an enormous difference. Carve out a space of care if the world will not.”

men, male loneliness, trans man, transgender, friendshipTwo men huggingPhoto credit: Canva

“I experience a lot of what is described here. That said, this whole thread is making me feel even more thankful for the friend group I had. Large, all-male group of mostly cishet men. I'm usually the only one who will say ‘I love you’ first, but they'll all hug me, tell me how much they admire me and appreciate being my friend, talk about their feelings and ask and care about mine. This is not to brag, but to tell men that you can have this, and you can be this.”

If only we could all walk in another's shoes, empathy would be easier to come by. We'd have a visceral understanding that the world is tough for everyone, and arguably, unnecessarily so. But stories like these can be powerful reminders all the same.

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Rural Texas dad shares what he told his son when they saw a trans woman for the first time

His simple message is an example for all parents.

@oddragon226/TikTok

James Barlow shares his story on TikTok.

A dad is sharing his first encounter with a transgender woman in his small Texas town, and the simple lesson he taught his son is inspiring hope in others. James Eric Barlow (oddragon226 on TikTok) shared a video from his car describing how he and his son saw a trans woman in real life for the first time. "

We all know that there's people that are disgusted whenever they see a trans person," Barlow begins. "And we all know of the people who don't care if they see a trans person. "But apparently, we're a third type of person (or at least I am, I can't speak for him)," he says, indicating his son in the backseat who chimes in with "I am, too!"

Barlow then goes on to explain how they had just had their first experience with a trans woman. It wasn't anything major—she just walked through a door behind them and Barlow held the door for her, just as he would any other person. He didn't even notice she was trans at first, but once he did, his immediate reaction was one we can all learn from.

"When I tell you how happy it made me," he says, beginning to tear up, "to be able to see somebody be out and open to the world here in small town Texas. You just gotta know how much bravery that takes. Right, Mikey?"

"Hell yeah!" the son agrees.

Barlow wanted to say something to her, but he didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable, either.

"But if you're a trans woman and you came here to the Landmark truck stop in Clyde, Texas, just know we're proud of you," he concludes.

@oddragon226

our first trans woman experience #trans #transwoman #transpeoplearepeople #transrights #translivesnatter

Barlow's video was shared on Reddit, where it's received 37,000 upvotes and a slew of comments that prove parents set the tone for their kids' sense of acceptance.

"Indoctrinate your children with kindness, compassion, consideration and respect for others." - Toddthmpsn

"When I was younger I would get my hair cut by a woman named Liz. She spoke Spanish so it was hard for to understand her English sometimes. My dad spoke Spanish so would translate for her and me. I noticed Liz looked a little different then other women. But I never said anything, I never felt any differently about her. She never scared me, or made me question anything. She was just Liz. As I got older I realized she was a trans woman. And it literally changed nothing. She was still just Liz. Liz was always kind and treated everyone warmly. I havnt seen her in years but I hope she is doing well. I really liked her." - PerplexedPoppy

"This literally happened to me as a child in the 80s. A cashier at a store we visited suddenly started dressing in a feminine style and it appeared that they were transitioning. My mom explained to me in an age appropriate way that sometimes people decide they want to be a man instead of a woman, or a woman instead of a man. She told me that people would probably be mean to the cashier and it was important for us to remember that and always be polite to her, as we would anyway. This was way before trans issues were as mainstream as they are now, but my mom had seen an episode of Phil Donahue where transwoman discussed their stories, and she recognized it as a medical issue. Core memory for me." - ZipCity262

"As a trans woman, im deathly afraid whenever I have to go to rural areas. I can instantly feel physical tension when I walk into a gas station or a restaurant in these areas. Thank you for being supportive. Trans people need you now more than ever." – rainbow_lenses

It really is a simple matter to accept people as they are and treat all humans with dignity, kindness and respect, even if we don't fully understand them. And as this dad and son show, it's a simple matter to demonstrate non-judgmental acceptance in front of our kids so they hopefully will grow up without being bound by chains of bigotry they'll later have to learn to unload.


This article originally appeared two years ago.

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How going 'demure' helped this TikTokker pay for the rest of her gender transition

Becoming a viral sensation changed her life.

@joolieannie/TikTok

She living her dreams. Very demure.

Seemingly overnight, everyone went “demure.”

This is thanks to a video posted on Aug 2nd by a woman named Jools Lebron, where she showed folks how she preps to arrive at work in a “very demure, very mindful” way by essentially taking care of her appearance—makeup done, wig laid, smell-good stuff spritzed. You get the idea. No sloppy sweats for this gal.

Pretty soon, due to her initial clip’s popularity, Lebron began spinning up ways to go do all kinds of things demurely. Turns out, everything from ordering food to saying “no” to drama can be done in a “demure” way.

This would start a full blown “demure” movement. People began showing their own “demure interpretations of everyday events. One person, for example, shared her “demure” book reading strategy.

“I don’t use random items like receipts as bookmarks. No, no, no. I use a real bookmark, very cutesie, very demure,” she said. “I don’t crane my neck left and right just to see the words in the corners. No, I crack the spine and now I can read comfortably. Very demure, very mindful.”

Meanwhile, someone else apparently eats Chipotle “demurely” by eating half her burrito bow so that the other half remains perfectly intact.

Even celebrities like Penn Badgely from “You,” Olivia Rodrigo and Jennifer Lopez joined in.


@jlo Very demure … very mindful 🩵
♬ original sound - JLO


And the best part is that beyond getting fifteen minutes of viral fame, Lebron is now able to make her gender transition dreams come true.

On Wednesday, Aug. 14, Lebron, who identifies as transgender, shared that becoming a viral sensation has taken her from being a cashier to getting flown across the country to host events, and finally being able to finance the rest of her transition.

Encouraging others to express themselves online, Lebron said “maybe you should make the videos…TikTok changed my life,” while quipping “I finally said it without crying!”


@joolieannie #fyp #demure ♬ original sound - Jools Lebron


“You see how she never gave up? Very demure,” one person wrote, while another echoed, “See how she encourages clothes towards success? Very mindful, very demure, very community minded.”

“Hope your transition goes smoothly and very demure,” wrote another person.

And in a subsequent video, Lebron didn’t succeed at holding back tears as she shared how “overwhelmed” with gratitude for the positive response she’s received.

According to Merriam Webster, the word “demure” first began as a descriptive term for someone modest or reserved, and/or naturally shy. But over time, the definition has shifted slightly to be more synonymous with coy. A demure kind of modesty is more of an affectation than a sincere expression.

And now, thanks to Lebron, “demure” has evolved to mean something else—not least of which being the special connection it has to her trans identity.


@joolieannie #fyp #demure @OAKCHA @Paul | Fragrance Influencer ♬ original sound - Jools Lebron


"When I did start making TikToks, I found more girls like me. I found girls who are plus size who are trans, who are having the same experiences that come uniquely with that set of combinations," she told "CBS Mornings."

For Lebron, “demure” is about so much more than a classy appearance. What’s more, she hopes it continues to be used as a mantra anyone can use to bring a little more positivity to themselves, and to the collective.

"Your demure is what it means to you. It's being mindful and considerate of the people around you, but also of yourself and how you present to the world."

To all folks just trying to be their most demure self—keep at it. You never know who you’ll inspire with your authenticity.









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Simple ways to support your trans friends when they come out.

If someone trusts you with news that they're trans, there are a few key do's and don'ts you should follow.

Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash

Some tools to help us stand beside people we love and support.

For many gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender people, one of the most personal (and sometimes scary) experiences they'll go through is the "coming out" process.

Coming out means telling others of your status as an LGBTQ person. As society is becoming more accepting of people's sexual orientation and gender identity, coming out is getting easier all the time. Even so, for many, it's still a carefully calculated process that involves planning who, how, and when to tell people in their lives.

In 2016, writer and director Lilly Wachowski — known as co-creator of "The Matrix" series of films, "Jupiter Ascending," and "Sense8" — came out publicly as transgender.

It's so great that Lilly came to that realization about herself and started living more authentically. In 2012, her sister Lana also came out as trans. What's not cool about this is the fact that Lilly was forced to out herself, in a letter she chose to share with The Windy City Times, after a reporter from The Daily Mail threatened to do it without her permission.

Lilly Wachowski, transgender, The Matrix, LGBTQ

Lilly Wachowski came out as transgender in 2016.

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If someone trusts you with news that they're trans, there are a few key do's and don'ts you should follow — and telling a journalist definitely falls under "don't."

As a transgender person, one of the most common questions I get from strangers is: "My friend or family member recently told me that they're transgender. How can I support them?"

Below are five tips I give people who are thoughtful enough to ask.

1. Let them know they have your support.

If you're asking this question (or taking the time to look up an article on the subject), you're already on the right path. It's important to make sure your friend knows you're in their corner, as they're probably afraid of how others in their lives will react. A simple "If you need anything, I'm here for you" can go a long way.

2. Respect their identity, name, and pronouns.

Ask questions like "What are your pronouns?" and "How would you like me to refer to you in private and when we're around people who may not know you're transitioning?"

If somebody is just starting to come out to others, odds are that there are still some people who don't know and might still use old names and pronouns. Asking how you should react in those situations will help you avoid outing your friend to others who don't yet know.

3. Educate yourself — don't rely on your friend to educate you.

There are so many great resources on how to understand trans issues. While your friend may be happy to answer those initial personal questions about things like names and pronouns, they might become overwhelmed if you start treating them as a walking encyclopedia of all things trans.

I recommend PFLAG's amazing resource "Our Trans Loved Ones: Questions and Answers for Parents, Families, and Friends of People who are Transgender and Gender Expansive." The 102-page guide is a comprehensive piece of "Trans 101" literature that's bound to answer some of your questions (complete with some more thorough do's and don'ts).

4. Don't gossip about them or "out" them to others.

The only people you should be discussing your friend's gender with are people they've given you explicit permission to do so with. Going behind their back and outing them to someone they may not yet be ready to tell is not only a huge betrayal of their trust, but it could even put them in physical danger.

On top of that, when someone is hearing this news from a secondhand source (that is, you), some of the important details may get lost in translation, which get further garbled if this person tells someone else — it eventually turns into a game of telephone, and no one wants that.

A vigil for slain transgender woman Islan Nettles at Jackie Robinson Park in Harlem in 2013. Nettles was severely beaten after being approached on the street by a group of men and later died of her injuries.

5. Understand that this is not about you and your feelings.

It's OK to feel confused, and it's OK to not immediately "get it." Those feelings are completely valid, but demanding to know why your friend didn't tell you sooner (they were probably wrestling with this themselves for quite some time) or saying you feel betrayed will only hurt them during an extremely vulnerable time in their life.

Nothing you did "made" your friend trans, and it's probably less that they were hiding something from you and more that they were hiding this reality from themselves.

Whether someone is a Hollywood director or a friend from high school, we should all have the right to come out at our own pace and in our own way.

Maybe years from now the aspect that makes this seem like such juicy gossip will fade and trans people won't have to worry about being forcibly outed. Maybe years from now trans people won't need to fear that coming out will be met with job loss, homelessness, or physical harm. Until then, it's important that those of us who care for our trans friends and family members do what we can do show we're there for them.

This article originally appeared on 03.09.16. It has been lightly edited.

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