upworthy

texting

Pop Culture

My Gen Z kids see periods in my texts as 'aggressive.' No. They're not. Full stop. The end.

This is one Gen X hill I am willing to die on.

Photo credit: Canva

If you want to freak out a Gen Zer, put a period at the end of a text message.

As a Gen X mom of three Gen Z kids in their teens and 20s, there's a lot that I'm willing to concede and even celebrate when it comes to the gap in our generations. I love Gen Z's global consciousness, their openness about mental health, their focus on inclusivity, and their insistence on wearing comfortable shoes with formal wear. But there's one Gen Z feature that I simply cannot abide, and that is the weaponization of basic punctuation.

"It freaks me out when you say 'yes period' in a text," my high schooler told me one day. "It feels so aggressive, like I feel like I'm in trouble or something." I stared at him incredulously as my 20-year-old laughed but then agreed with him. "It does! The period makes it feel like you're mad," she said.

Ah yes, the period, the punctuation mark famous for its aggressive connotation. Far from being a mere generational quirk, this misinterpreting of benign text messages as aggressive or angry could result in serious communication breakdowns. Talking by text is already hard enough, and now we're adding a layer of meaning that older folks don't have a clue about?

text screenshotA Gen X text convo with Gen ZPhoto credit: Annie Reneau

The kids are serious about this, though. According to Gen Zers, pretty much any time someone puts a period at the end of a text, it means they're mad or irritated. At the risk of sounding like a dinosaur, I'd like to point out that reading into periods in texts like this is just silly. It's silly when the young folks do it with each other, but it's extra silly when they do it with adults who didn't grow up with texting and have ingrained grammatical habits that aren't easy to shake. (And frankly, some of us don't want to shake—I'm a former English teacher, for crying out loud.)

In no reasonable world can "Yes." be automatically viewed as aggressive. It's just not. Neither is "Time to get off the computer." Neither is "Got it." Or "OK." or "Sure." I understand that texting conventions have evolved such that end punctuation isn't necessary, but when did we start assigning negative intentions to very basic punctuation? I mean, if I wanted to be aggressive, I'd text, "HEY—time to GET OFF the COMPUTER!" A period should not be read as anything more than a matter-of-fact, neutral-toned statement. We have other tools for conveying tone in writing—capital letters, italics, bold, exclamation points, and now a whole slew of emojis. A period is and has always been neutral. That's literally the entire point of a period.

I'm even willing to give Gen Z an inch on the thumbs-up emoji—they think that's aggressive, too—only because emojis are new and their meanings are up for interpretation. But a period? Not budging. That little dot has been signaling the end of people's thoughts for centuries. Periods can and do sometimes affect tone in subtle ways—"No, I didn't," hits slightly differently than "No. I didn't."—but their basic inclusion at the end of a thought in no way signals aggression or anger, by text or otherwise. Not on Gen X's watch, at least. This is one generational hill I am willing to die on.

Oh Yeah Mic Drop GIF by Taylor BisciottiGiphy

These unwritten rules of texting seem to have been concocted by Gen Z, but when? And how? Who decides these things? Is there a group of super powerful and influential young adults who put out a bat signal at some point saying that periods are symbols of aggression? If the young folks want to play the reading-into-basic-punctuation game amongst themselves, making communication much more complicated for themselves, have at it. But please don't ascribe intent to us old fogies who've had "declarative statements end in periods" ingrained in us since elementary school.

Texting wasn't always like this. When texting first became a thing, using periods in them was pretty normal. As more and more people started dropping them (and capitalization—another deep English teacher wound), I held firm to their usage, mostly out of habit and feeling like my texts were incomplete without them. As my kids got old enough to text and informed me that periods are viewed by their age group as aggressive, I reconsidered. Should I stop using them, giving in to the tyranny of Gen Z's overthinking? Should I keep using them, embracing the fact that I'm old and set in my ways?

Ultimately, I landed on sometimes using periods in texts and sometimes not—a compromise between my own rigid grammar rules and Gen Z's seemingly senseless texting rules. Except only using them sometimes just confuses my kids even more, which is hilarious. Is Mom mad? Is she not? My daughter said she just has to remind herself who is texting, knowing that I—and most of my generation—simply don't use periods aggressively.

Nope. Not happening. Not ever. Period.

This article originally appeared in February.

From Your Site Articles
generation gap
Most Shared

Your latest iPhone update comes with some delightfully diverse new emoji options.

Apple's iOS 10 update brings some cool new features to the table.

On Sept. 13, millions of iPhone users downloaded Apple's new iOS 10 update, bringing more than a dozen new or revamped features to the company's devices.

Some changes, such as the revamped Messages app, are bound to be appreciated more than others (sorry, Apple Music). There's one tweak, however, that users may not have even noticed: new emojis.

Eddy Cue, Apple senior vice president of internet software and services, introduces iOS 10 on June 13, 2016. Photo by Andrew Burton/Getty Images.

Yes, emojis, everyone's favorite cartoon substitution for words, got a new look in the latest update.

Nearly all of us use them (a 2015 survey found that 92% of online consumers use emojis). Whether you're tweeting, texting, shopping, or flirting, emojis are a useful way to express how you're feeling when words just don't quite get the job done.

Here's the evolution of the "Woman with bunny ears" emoji from 2011 to 2016 in iOS updates. Image by Apple.

As has been the case in previous updates, many existing emojis have been given a fresh new look. The bigger news here, however, has to do with the 100% new emojis that have been added.

For some time, people have been calling for more diverse emoji options, especially when it comes to gender. In this latest update, there's some big improvements.

Earlier this year, Always ran an ad campaign that addressed an inconvenient fact about how women were being represented in emoji-land. Even with just a quick glance, it's easy to see the problem: stereotypes. While men were shown as being detectives, police officers, construction workers, and doctors, women were represented as brides and princesses.

Your typical emoji-man vs. your typical emoji-woman. Image by Apple.

The latest update contains 37 new emojis — 17 of which are women.

For the most part (there are two exceptions), every emoji that was previously only available as a man is now available as a woman as well. The same goes for the emojis that used to be only women (such as the princess), which are now available as men (like the prince).

Image by Apple.

All this is in addition to the ability to change emoji skin tone — something that was made available during a previous update. Now, men, women, boys, and girls will all have equal ability to express themselves in emoji form.

Image by Apple.

Is this a solution to the world's biggest problem? Of course not, but it's still a very good thing.

It's easy to ridicule anyone who says that this type of representation doesn't really matter; it's easy to roll your eyes at this change.

Image by Apple

There are two important things to remember, however: first, that gendered stereotypes are learned at a young age, and second, that texting is one of the most popular forms of communication for young teens.

Image by Apple.

For a full breakdown of all the new emoji options, you can check out Emojipedia's iOS 10 changelog.

Be sure to check out other new options, such as the single parent emojis and some of the revamped styles.

From Your Site Articles
More

5 real talk ways to teach your teens about safe sexting.

The thought of your teen sexting is terrifying, but it doesn't have to be.

When my friend found out her 14-year-old son was sexting, she flipped out.

It sounds like an all-too-familiar scene for many parents: Her kid left his cellphone unattended. When she heard that "ping," she thoughtlessly grabbed the phone and saw something she now can't unsee: an explicit photo of his girlfriend, who's the same age as he is.

Image via iStock.

She said she immediately became angry. She was mad at the girl who had sent the photo, she was mad at her son for possibly asking for the picture, and I suspect she was also mad at herself for not having an honest, preemptive conversation with her kid about this rather new phenomenon.

My friend immediately confronted her son, whom she says was upset, embarrassed, and mortified all at once.

He didn't want to talk about it, was angry that she had looked at a message on his phone, and stormed into his room. And after such an intense and uncomfortable — albeit brief — confrontation, my friend backed off. They haven't talked about it since.

When I heard this story, I thought, there has to be a better way.

It's important to note there can be legal ramifications for sexting among teens who are not yet legal adults, but the reality is that it might still happen and parents need to be able to discuss it with them.

So I reached out to Nicole Cushman, MPH. She's the executive director at Answer and co-chair of the Sexuality Task Force at the American Public Health Association.  Basically, she knows all about sexting, and her goal is to empower young people through honest, relevant, and effective sexuality education. And boy, did she have some things to teach me.

Sexting occurs when someone sends or receives a sexually explicit text, image, or video on their cellphone.

How many teens nowadays do you see without smartphones? Not very many, right? So while a lot of people sext (I see you, adults), it is also a highly accessible habit for kids who choose to engage. Sexting feels like it was born out of the need for teens to express themselves sexually, merged with all the incredible advances in technology (hello, Snapchat!) over the past 15 years or so.

But for a parent, those sexting waters can be tough to navigate. It's basically the "new" sex talk: How do you talk to your kids about sexting without shaming them? How can you give them some good info (that they'll actually listen to) before they start sexting?

Cushman has some ideas. Here are five small ways to teach your kids about safe sexting:

1. Acknowledge not just the cons, but also the pros of sexting.

Usually, teens who sext are trying to flirt or somehow feel closer to the person they're communicating with, Cushman says. So it's important to first acknowledge that they're exploring their sexuality by expressing sexual feelings, which is totally normal.

Also, consider that sexting is actually completely safe when it comes to physical risks like pregnancy or contracting STDs ... so that's good!

2. It's about educating not just the sender, but also the person on the receiving end.

You know what they say: With great power, comes great responsibility. Cushman advises parents and educators to discuss what's expected from both the sender and the receiver when it comes to sexting.

It's as simple as making it clear that, "Hey, if you're sharing intimate photos or texts with someone, make sure there's an understanding between the both of you that you want to keep those messages private."

Cushman points out that we tend to focus more on the individuals who send the sexts, though, and we pay a lot less attention to those who are receiving the explicit messages. When you really think about it, it is entirely up to them whether a sext goes any further than their phone, so we should be giving kids real talk about what happens on both sides of the phones.

When it comes to talking to your kid who may be receiving sexts, it could be as easy as saying, "Hey, if you're getting explicit texts, it's important you understand this is something very delicate that you've been entrusted with. Make sure you take that responsibility seriously."

Image via iStock.

3. Teach them how to make expectations clear.

This one is important: Talk to your kids about how to have a conversation about privacy. Encourage them to establish expectations of privacy with whoever they're communicating with, and don't be afraid to ask some tough questions while you're at it.

Cushman suggests first asking your teens to think through their relationships and whether or not they can fully trust the other person.

"Many young people might assume that if they send a message to someone they’re in a relationship with or someone they’re flirting with that it’s somehow implied that the message was meant to be private, but we know from the limited research that is out there that that’s often not what happens," Cushman says.

While there should be no shame in sexting, it's incredibly important to help your teens establish expectations too, offering up ways to frame the conversation with their partner, like: “I know this is something you might want and that you think is fun and sexy, but I wanna make sure that you understand before I do this that I’m expecting you to keep this between the two of us.”

4. If sexting goes wrong with your teen, what are some of the repercussions you can expect — both physically and emotionally?

Well, that depends. Certainly there are feelings of embarrassment, shame, and regret. That's understandable. But there can be an added layer of trauma to the teen if he or she starts to get bullied or harassed.

The internet is unpredictable, so if a sext meant to be kept private is somehow shared online, the emotional effects can be devastating. In the most extreme cases, Cushman says some young people have committed suicide after experiencing persistent harassment over photos that were distributed.

5. What should you do if things go wrong and your kid's explicit photos end up going to unintended places?

First things first — support them. Do not assume that it is their fault. Make sure your son or daughter knows you love them.

Sure, you may be angry, disappointed ... all those things a parent would naturally feel in that tricky situation. But don't let it define your kid, and Cushman says, by all means, it's important not to blame them. Do you remember what it was like being young and sexually curious?

The key here is communication and support. Tomorrow is another day and things will get better.

Let's face it: It's probably going to be a little awkward discussing sexting with your kid.

But that's OK. Better to be open and candid with your teens than to let them walk through this unchartered territory alone. Technology is only going to get more sophisticated, so it might even be important to have the "digital sex talk" before your kid starts engaging in this new world on their own.

Take the time to have an open and realistic conversation. Understand that they're sexually curious and now have all this technology to experiment with. Parents are their kids' first teachers, so talk to them about sexting: the good, the bad, and the ugly. That way, if they choose to engage, they have all the information they need to help keep them safe.

From Your Site Articles
More

Don't be that guy: a better alternative to ghosting your way out of a relationship.

Show up with a whole heart, even in your text messages.

If you've been so lucky as to date while texting has existed, you might have met (or become) a GHOST.

Once upon a few dates, I became a ghost. We had fun, the dates were great, and I had no complaints. But I just wasn't feeling it. It feels weird to just not feel it for a perfectly nice, worthy human, but it happens. And so begins a modern ghost story.

Image via Internet Archive Book Images/Flickr (altered).

I did NOT know what to do, say, or think to this person ... so what I did next was turn into a ghost. I removed myself from the human world (of his text messages).

Ghosting, as defined in a New York Times article, is "ending a romantic relationship by cutting off all contact and ignoring the former partner’s attempts to reach out."

Image via Internet Archive Book Images/Flickr (altered).

When I turned into a ghost, I just stopped responding to every message this perfectly nice, worthy human sent to me. Eww. I feel icky talking about it now, and I felt icky doing it then. Eventually, I figured out a way to bring myself back to life and end my own ghost story. We'll get to that later.

First, there are two main types of ghosts:

1. The "short-term relationship I guess I don't owe you anything and I don't wanna be awkward" ghost

That was me. I hadn't had any major moments with this person. I just wanted to poetically fade away, like Patrick Swayze in the aptly named movie "Ghost."

Replace that caption with "You're a human and so am I" and me running away, and we're there. Not proud. GIF from "Ghost."

2. The "we could be on the verge of an actual relationship but I am suddenly not OK with it and —" ghost

You'll never know what could have happened because this ghost will ghost you and you'll never hear what happens after that "and."

Say you and a potential significant other share magical moments — so many moments that it seems like, to quote the great American cinematic masterpiece "High School Musical," "this could be the start of something new."

GIF from Disney's "High School Musical."

And then, just when Troy and Gabriella's karaoke duet almost made it to the key change, the plug was pulled. All contact? Gone. Ghosted. And then you realize that it was not the start of something new but rather the start of you wondering if the person who ghosted you is dead.

Image via Internet Archive Book Images/Flickr (altered).

They're not dead. (Usually.) Probably, they're a ghost. And you are probably sad. I prescribe hugs.

These are the two most common, and egregious, ghosts that could be haunting a romance near you, although I'm sure there are other versions too.

But we need to do something about this! Technology has invented a whole new way, and a few new mediums, for human beings to hurt each other.

Who you gonna call?

Ghostbusters.


Image via Internet Archive Book Images/Flickr (altered).

In my own personal ghost-busting journey, I chose Brené Brown — vulnerability researcher, awkwardness whisperer, and friend of Oprah — to guide me.

Brown is an actual professional who studies awkwardness, vulnerability, and how to be a wholehearted, kind person in a detached, technology-driven world that doesn't make real human kindness easy. Her TEDx Talk "The Power of Vulnerability" went viral.

In her book, "Daring Greatly," she wrote, "Connection is why we're here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives." To me, this sounds like the beginning of a solution to both ghosting and being ghosted.

If connection is why we're here, it's counterintuitive to disconnect (literally and figuratively) from other humans so abruptly. Connection gives us purpose as humans.

Image via Internet Archive Book Images/Flickr.

But, how to do we transition from ghosts to connected humans?

Brown's research uncovered a clue.

She says that to get some more of that sweet sweet purpose-giving connection, we have to cultivate "whole heartedness."

Wholeheartedness, Brown writes, "at its very core is vulnerability and worthiness; facing uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risks, and knowing that I am enough."

What's a wholehearted way to stop ghosting? In the case of being ghosted, there's not much you can do. You can be proud you lived the full spectrum of human emotion, that you took a risk, and you can take care of your heart for a bit.

Image via Internet Archive Book Images/Flickr (altered).

I'm more concerned with stopping ghosting where it starts though — with the person about to become a ghost.

And I'm not just gonna say "be kind, vulnerable, feel worthy, face uncertainty, expose yourself to stuff, and take a risk because you are enough" because that's a perfect example of "easier said than done."

Instead, using Brown's foundation, I'll suggest a few specifics.

If you're tempted to ghost:

1. Face uncertainty. Open your text.

2. Be truthful. Traveling? Being flaky? Say what you've been doing.

3. Be vulnerable. Say way you feel. Heartbroken? Weird? Say it.

4. Know you're enough.

5. Expose yourself to the truth and press send!

Here are some real-life examples:

Brown wrote, "Shame derives its power from being unspeakable."

Ghosting brings up shame for all parties — largely due to the whole not speaking thing. And, often, ghosting happens because we want to avoid awkward confrontation.

Imagine a slightly more awkward, but significantly less shame-filled, world. That's something I'd like to see.

From Your Site Articles
Trending Stories