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Neuropsychologist shares the one sentence boys need to hear (over and over again)

This inoculates them against the negative messages they may be receiving from other boys.

via Canva/Photos

A young boy withdrawn from is mother.

There are countless reasons why having the ability to talk about your feelings is great for your mental health. One of the big ones is that discussing feelings helps us understand them better. It also prevents us from bottling up our emotions, which can lead to anxiety, depression, and unplanned emotional outburts, which can be incredibly destructive.

The problem is that at a young age, boys are told to bottle up their emotions, and they are frequently told that “boys don’t cry” or that they should “take it like a man” when they become upset. When men are faced with tremendous grief, such as the death of a friend or family member, they feel that they must “be strong” and show a brave face even though they might be dying inside. This can prevent them from ever completely coming to grips with their loss.

Male emotional repression is widespread, and every time a young boy is taught not to cry or talk about his feelings because it’s “girly,” we are creating mental health problems in real time. It also directly teaches the child how to emotionally withdraw from others and encourages them to develop unhealthy coping mechanisms.

emotions, psychology, healthy emotionsA young boy sits with his feelings.via Canva/Photos


What's the number one thing that boys need to hear?

Dr. Sanam Hafeez, neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind, says that the most important sentence that parents need to tell their young sons, especially those in middle school, is: “Talking about your feelings is strong, not weak.”

"Talking about your feelings is strong, not weak."

Hafeez told PureWow the message needs to be shared consistently because “middle school boys often absorb societal messages that discourage emotional expression….[and] suppressing emotions can lead to stress, anxiety and difficulty forming healthy relationships.”

Another big reason boys should consistently be reminded to discuss their feelings is that they may not have many examples of healthy male emotional expression. Sure, they can see men fighting and shooting each other all day on TV, but how often do you see men being honest with their feelings?

“Men do not tell boys to talk about their feelings, and boys do not always see emotions demonstrated by men. Furthermore, they do not learn from men the benefits of emotional expression and how it makes them feel afterward,” Lisa Liggins-Chambers, Ph.D. writes at Psychology Today. Further, it’s also important to make boys aware of the peer pressure they may feel to repress their emotions and to bully other boys who express theirs. This can give them strength to push back against these unhealthy expectations.

From a parents’ perspective, it’s also essential to exhibit healthy listening skills so their child feels free to open up to them.

emotions, psychology, healthy emotionsA mother and child disuss his feelings.via Canva/Photos

How to listen when boys express their feelings

Here are five things to consider when your child discusses his feelings.

  1. Let them know that their emotions are valid.
  2. Give them your full attention by practicing active listening, and show your interest by asking questions.
  3. While they’re opening up, encourage them to consider the emotions of others as well.
  4. Normalize the idea that we all experience a range of emotions from happiness to sadness, anger to anxiety.
  5. Be an example. Model healthy emotional expression to provide a good example of how to manage feelings.

Ultimately, it is essential to understand that boys may be getting an unhealthy lesson about emotions from the kids at school or their family members. Parents tend to encourage their daughters to show their feelings naturally and should show the same consideration for their boys. By consistently reinforcing the idea that emotional expression is a strength, not a weakness, parents can help their sons develop emotional intelligence and resilience.

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Experienced psychologist says this overlooked trait is 'essential' when making small talk

It'll make people think you're captivating.

via Canva/Photos

Some folks chit-chatting at a party.

Making small talk with someone you don’t know very well can cause a lot of anxiety. What if you get stuck in a boring conversation about the weather? What if the conversation loses momentum and you both stand there silently? What if the person thinks that you’re boring?

Psychologist Jennice Vilhauer, Ph. D., has some great advice to make you feel better equipped to talk with a stranger at a party or on a first date. The big takeaway is that people will find you interesting, not necessarily because of what you say but how you make them feel. Vilhauer says that curiosity is one of the most vital conversation skills most people don’t consider.

Vilahuer is the developer of Future Directed Therapy (FDT) and author of the best-selling “Think Forward to Thrive: How to Use the Mind's Power of Anticipation to Transcend Your Past and Transform Your Life.”



What’s the best way to make small talk?

“One of the most underrated skills that can transform your dating life is curiosity,” Vilhauer writes in Psychology Today. “Not only does curiosity provide you with important information and make you a better conversationalist, but it also signals interest, openness and emotional intelligence—qualities that create deeper relationships.”

The funny thing is that, according to Vilhauer, most people aren’t taking advantage of this conversation superpower.

“It is surprising how many people report going on dates where the other person only talks about themself,” Vilhauer continues. “The talker might be having a great time because they enjoy being listened to. The other person, however, feels like the talker is disinterested, and he/she is probably quickly losing interest, too. Dating someone who doesn’t ask questions can feel like talking to a wall. Everyone, no matter who they are, has a story and wants to be understood.”



The key to being curious in a conversation is to ask plenty of open-ended questions that encourage the person to give a detailed response. If you’re talking to someone and they say, “I was born in Omaha, Nebraska.” Don’t counter with, “Great, I was born in Milwaukee.” The best thing to say is, “That’s cool. What did you like about Omaha?” or “Do you miss living in the Midwest?”

Here are some examples of open-ended questions that make you appear courteous.

“How did that make you feel?”

“What are they like?” (When they bring up a person from their life.)

“What’s your favorite memory of (thing from the past they discussed)?”

“What did you do next?”

If you show that you are genuinely curious, the person you’re talking to will take a shine to you because people enjoy sharing about themselves. They’ll also appreciate that you took the time to get to know them. Even if they spoke most of the conversation, they’d go home thinking, “Wow. They were really interesting.”

How much should I talk in a conversation?

This advice comes with a caveat. You shouldn’t be listening 100% of the time. Studies show that the best ratio for talking to listening is 43 to 57, so you let the other person do most of the speaking, but be sure to share about yourself as well.

Being curious in conversations isn't just about making the other person feel good. It also gives the conversation a greater chance to move from surface-level details, such as basic biographical information or what they do for a living, into the world of specific experiences, ideas and perspectives.

Curiosity can take your small talk and elevate to medium talk and even deep conversation.


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Joy

Free yourself from worrying about things you can't control with the help of a simple image

"Rewiring your thinking this way can be, well, almost magic." — Dr. Solomon

via Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels and Darius Bashar/Unsplash

A woman worrying about the world and a woman who feels liberated.

In a world of 8 billion people, a septillion stars, and 17 different ways to stub your toe while walking through your bedroom, there are infinite things that we can all spend our time and emotional energy worrying about. The problem is that many important things, whether it’s politics, the environment, or the economy, are realistically beyond our control.

Yes, we can vote, make sound choices with our money, and recycle, but our actions will have little effect on these issues no matter how much energy we spend worrying about them.

So what do we do? From the ancient Stoics to modern-day psychologists, great thinkers believe that if we refocus on what we can control or influence, we’ll be much happier and empowered to make real changes in the world.

What is the Circle of Influence?

The theory is known as the circle of influence and it can be explained with a simple graphic with 3 circles:

via The Open University Creative Commons

Circle of control:

“There are actually very few things we control. We control what we do with our bodies (hopefully); how we act, what we think (easier said than done, I know), and how we react to events or people (again, not necessarily easy, but doable!),” Diane N. Solomon Ph.D., The Narrative Nurse Practitioner writes at Psychology Today. “Pretty much everything else lies outside our circle of control. No matter how hard we try, we won’t be able to control those things.”

The ancient Stoics defined this area as our “opinion, motivation, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever is of our own doing.”

This is where we should focus the vast majority of our attention because our energies are best used helping ourselves, our families, friends and those in our community. In many ways, that makes more sense than spending our time and energy hoping that someone in Washington will do the right thing or that people in a country across the globe will reduce their carbon emissions.



Circle of influence:

“What’s in our circle of influence? Maybe what the teacher or principal does after our child gets called out for sprinkling glitter on the seat of the teacher’s chair—or maybe not. We influence our communities or even our state by volunteering for a neighborhood watch or committee, writing letters to the editor, protesting for cleaner water, human rights, or acting on any passion of ours,” Dr. Solomon continues.

But, in most circumstances, our influence over these areas is minor and they are definitely beyond our control. So we should spend less time worrying about areas of influence than those within our circle of control.



Circle of concern:

This is an area that we focus on at our own peril. When we spend time on things we have no influence or control over, we squander a lot of our precious resources, one of the biggest being time. Because we can’t control these things, they make us feel more anxious than the things we have power over. “Most people spend a lot of time focused on things in their circle of concern,” Dr. Solomon writes. “If that’s you, the more time and energy you spend worrying about your circle of concern, the worse you probably feel, because it's almost totally outside your control.”

She says the most important thing to do when we're feeling anxious is to ask ourselves, “Am I thinking of things in my circle of concern?” If so, it’s time to refocus our attention.



Focusing only on the things we control may make us feel like we're neglecting important problems that need our attention. Can a good person go through life without worrying about wars overseas, the plastic island in the ocean the size of Texas, or women’s rights in Afghanistan?

William B. Irvine, a philosophy professor and author of “A Guide to the Good Life,” says it’s more about being honest with ourselves about where we can be helpful. “The circle of control is not a prescription for detachment or indifference. It is a way of focusing our attention and energy on what really matters, so that we can live more fully and authentically,” Irvine writes.

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15 nightmare situations, according to introverts

Does anyone actually like networking events?

Photo by Ryan Snaadt on Unsplash

The only thing worse than a party—the afterparty.

The concept of being an introvert versus an extrovert is a fairly new one. Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung first came up with both terms in the early 1900s, and from the get-go, it was understood that people’s personalities generally fell somewhere between the two extremes.

Nowadays introverts are often mislabeled as being antisocial, which isn’t necessarily true. Going off of the Jung definition, introverted people simply orient toward their “internal private world of inner thoughts and feelings”—unlike extroverts, who “engage more with the outside world of objects, sensory perception, and action.”

Most introverts will tell you, it’s not that we hate people. We just find them … draining. What we tend to detest are things like trivial small talk and the cacophony of large groups. But even that, many introverts can turn on for, enjoy even … so long as we can promptly go home afterwards and veg out.


Being introverted is certainly not unique—up to half of the entire population is estimated to be introverted. Heck, it’s even a trait for animals. And it’s certainly not a weakness. Many notable leaders were known for being reserved. However, the world is often made to favor extroversion, making it hard for introverts to be understood, let alone valued.

Reddit user Sarayka81 asked for introverts to share their “nightmare situations.” The answers are an eye-opening (and pretty hilarious) glimpse into how one person’s idea of normal, or even fun, can be another person’s torture.

Enjoy 15 of the best responses. Introverts, beware.

1. Public marriage proposals

"I've told every partner so far, if you propose in public I will turn it down." – @AngelaTheRipper

“All those youtube videos of these big proposals, like a whole dance routine pop up…everyone is like ‘omg what a great gesture!’ No. no. no.” – fearme101

2. Afterparties

“You mean there's more stuff to do after the stuff we planned on doing? I only have so much energy to deal with people and it was already used up.” – @Nyctomancer

3. Being picked out of the crowd to speak

“People who just raise their hand to be chosen are true heroes." – @Chogolatine

ask reddit, psychology

Give hand-raisers a trophy.

Giphy

4. Unexpected visitors

"As a child my worst nightmare was when my parents got visitors and I'm stuck upstairs hungry and thirsty because I can't access the kitchen." – @mikasott

"Ask them nicely, 'would you kindly REMOVE yourself from my personal space.'" – @GDog507

"But that requires talking to them." – @StinkyKittyBreath

5. Introducing yourself

"I get locked jaw when this happens. Along with sweaty palms and cold sweat." – @ellisonjune

6. Multiple conversations at once

“I was at a conference where everyone is doing the circle thing and I was chatting with some people about some interesting, but pretty dry, industry topics. All of the sudden I hear someone in another conversation circle say something along the lines of: ‘Yeah man, gorillas will rip your head off.’

All of the sudden, I can't concentrate on my current conversation and my brain tunes into the gorilla conversation instead. I could not for the life of me tune back into my main conversation.” – @reAchilles

psychology today

Who could pay attention after gorillas are mentioned?

Giphy

7. Running into someone you know in a public place

"All you want to do is read your book, but there's no way out and you decide to put up a brave front. Already you can hear the office gossip in your head: ‘Oh my God, guess who I was stuck on the train with…’Nightmare fuel. Work from home was a blessing in this regard." – @jew_bisquits

8. Singing “Happy Birthday” at a restaurant

“This shouldn't be legal” – @Chogolatine

9. Surprise parties

“I’m essentially the 49th wheel at my own party. Kill me now.” – @Anneboleyn33

askreddit reddit

Yay....

Giphy

10. Being talked over

“Especially when the only thing the person interjects with is filler or exclamatory flurry that adds nothing to the conversation while stifling any other contribution. Things like 'yes girl yes!' or 'I can’t believe that!' or …even loud forced laughter - really any noise interjected in that space to make it seem like they’re contributing or listening instead of actually participating." – @torn_anteater

anti social social club

Repeat back what I just said. I dare you.

Giphy

11. Networking events

"Don’t forget to come up with a fun fact!" – @sub_surfer

12. Extroverts who just don’t get it

"'Wanna hang out this Saturday?'

'Sure!'

... Saturday arrives, 10 minutes before hangout time ...

'Oh also I invited my friend you have never met before to join us.'" – @drflanigan

13. Phone calls

“Receiving and twice as bad having to make one." – @Isand0

reddit

Phones are meant for texts, emails and games, not calls!

Giphy

14. Impromptu work presentations

"I need like a couple days to prepare myself for any speaking engagement lol." – @koriroo

15. Party games that involve small talk

"'Who's up for two truths and a lie?'

Thinks … Can they all be lies? No … What are the most boring truths I can think of so no one comes up to talk to me after this?'" – @littlewittlediddle


This article originally appeared on 09.16.22

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