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raising boys

Images courtesy of Instagram/@queenn.gee

Mom Gee Gee @queenn.gee teaches her young son about menstruation.

It's impossible for men to understand what menstruation is truly like for women. But one mom is making it her mission to educate her young son about periods through doing the laundry together.

Mom Gee Gee (@queenn.gee) shared a menstrual blood talk teaching moment with her young son, Brayden, in a touching video, where she explained how to remove blood from clothes using peroxide. She demonstrates it to him on a pair of underwear that has menstrual blood on it.

How to talk to your sons about menstruation

"Grown men have told me 'Ew that’s nasty/don’t talk about that' when I’ve mentioned being on my cycle. My son will be educated, understanding & helpful 🩸❤️," she wrote in the video's caption. "We’ve already had the talk about periods; this was just a teaching/reminding moment as he helped me with my laundry."

As she shows Brayden how to apply the peroxide, she discusses more about the importance of not making fun of or shaming women who have their period. "Never ever make fun of a girl for having blood in her underwear or on her pants, okay?" she says, as her young son looks up at her and responds that he knows women have periods.

"We can't control that, it's a natural part of our lives. It's a natural part of the human body. However, many boys can sometimes be mean and cruel, and they often make fun of. And I don't want you to do that. I want you to be compassionate, okay?" she tells him.

Gee Gee also explains what he should do if her ever sees a girl with menstrual blood on her pants. "If you ever see a girl at school that has a little blood on the back of her pants, and maybe she didn't see it or didn't know, how could you handle that?" she asks her son.

Brayden responds, "By maybe pulling her to the side and try helping her and try getting her to the office or something." She replies, "Right! And do you tell her, 'You have blood on the back of your pants!' in front of everybody?" He says, "No."

She then tells him that he could take off his sweater and offer it to her to "wrap around her so that it's not showing. It's not gross, it's not nasty. "Just like she can wash her underwear, you can wash your sweater as well. You're going to get older, and you might have your own kids, and you may have daughters or have a woman, and you may be washing her clothes, and I don't want you to ever be like, 'Eww! I'm not touching that!' No. Take care of it, use the peroxide, and be there for them, okay?"

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Her son nods his head, and they give each other a high-five and a big hug. And her followers shared how much they loved their interaction.

"Thank you, Mama, for raising an amazing young man! You are doing the most beautiful job. I admire you!!! And by the way he’s looking at you, I can tell he admires you too! Good job, sweet mama!" one commented. Another wrote, "Oh, Mama, you are teaching him to be an empathetic, kind, and protective man. This is beautiful 🥹 This is the evolution of human beings 🙌🏾."

Parenting

Mom says she won't be raising 'tough boys' to avoid this one toxic trait

“See these boys? These are our boys. And we have decided not to raise tough boys.”

Boys do cry. And they should be allowed to do so.

Parenting has evolved in myriad ways, but certainly, one of the more potent shifts has been attitudes towards raising boys.

As a society, we have seen how detrimental the whole “men should be strong and never show emotion” thing can be, and more and more parents are trying not to pass that outdated belief onto their sons.

Still, you’ll definitely run across an adult—be it a parent, grandparent, teacher, babysitter, etc— saying “boys don’t cry!” or “toughen up” from time to time whenever a young boy shows sensitivity.


And that is exactly why a video posted by Jen Hamilton, a mom of two boys, is such an important watch, because in it Hamilton deftly explains how associating masculinity with toughness teaches boys that only one emotion is allowed expression.

Hamilton begins by showing a picture of her sons as she says, “we have decided not to raise tough boys.”

“I might sound crazy, but when you raise your kids to be tough, or you tell them to toughen up, what you're teaching them is how to mask true emotions that they're feeling to appear strong,” she continues.


@_jen_hamilton_

Why we aren’t raising “tough” boys

And as these “tough” little boys grow up into men, internalizing and suppressing their true emotion in order to appear strong, they become capable of expressing only one emotion—anger.

Hamilton likened it to pushing down a beach ball into water. Eventually that beach ball is going to explode up.

“When that boundary finally breaks, it comes out as temper. Throwing things, yelling," Hamilton says.

Instead, Hamilton and her husband are teaching their sons “to feel deeply” and allow emotions, even the negative ones, so that they may understand them better.”

As an example, Hamilton shares that when her son came home one day feeling left out of something she responded with ‘Hey, that really sucks. And I know exactly what that feels like and it really hurts.”

“I don't say, ‘Get over it’ or ‘Toughen up.’”

Hamilton asserts that in this scenario, she is teaching her son the value of compassion for others. When they see someone else feeling left out, they can better empathize with them. “But when we say things like get over it or toughen up, you're telling them that those feelings aren't valid and then they are not able to see those feelings as valid in other people.”

Hamilton goes so far to say that anyone who is not taught to validate their own emotions won’t have the tools to empathize with others, and this is what helps create narcissism.

Hamilton also shares that where she didn’t grow up with a dad who had anger issues, her husband did. Thankfully, he has developed his own emotional intelligence in spite of it and has no problem “getting down on his knees” to meet their sons' emotions head-on.

In conclusion, Hamilton declares that she doesn't think it’s ever “necessary or helpful” to expose her kids, or anyone else's, to “harsh situations to toughen them up.”

raising boys, toxic masculinity, patriarchy, parentingEmpathy is always worth teaching. Photo credit: Canva

Down in the comments, other adults couldn't agree more with Hamiton’s stance.

“This is what breaks the trauma of patriarchy. This is what saves young males,” one person wrote.

Another person, a principal, shared, “I am always telling boys it’s okay to cry, to be hurt, and to have feelings.”

Still another viewer wrote “Exactly! Help our children to feel safe enough to express themselves, teach empathy and compassion. We need this now more than ever.”

For those looking to break the cycle of toxic masculinity with their own sons, but not sure where to start, another viewer mentioned the book “Boys Will Be Human: A Get-Real Gut-Check Guide to Becoming the Strongest, Kindest, Bravest Person You Can Be,” written by Justin Baldoni. Sounds like a phenomenal resource. You can find it on Amazon here.

Parents and carers, listen up:

The development of emotional literacy and intelligence is not a task we can outsource to a school system, youth group, or sports club.

This training is our task, our responsibility. It’s true home-work. An inside job.


I'm the father of two boys under 10, and someone who works professionally in the space of emotional intelligence. And even I have to admit it’s a challenge to give the gift of emotional intelligence. But it’s worth it.

Here are a few things I’m learning (and yes — I am still learning!). These are my ABCs.

Three basic things to remember:

A. Always model well.

My boys watch me, model me, and follow me. Whether it’s good, bad, or ugly, kids learn their emotional cues from their parents. My boys learn especially from me, as I'm the primary male in their life.

They watch how I treat their mum and how I welcome their friends when they come to visit. They watch how I discipline their siblings and how I handle stress. They pay attention to how I talk to others, treat others, and love others. They see me cry when I need. I’m a walking emotional classroom.

Parents, there’s no getting around this: your boys are watching.

So ...

Be self-aware. Be the change you wish to see in the world. Walk in love. Apologize quickly and sincerely. Sort your own crap out. Keep doing the heart journey. Be willing to back-track and explain your actions and reactions — right or wrong.

B. Believe your boys.

“I’m bored!” “I too tired!” “I can’t do it.” “I hate her!” “That hurts!” “It tastes yuck!” “I’m scared.”

Sound familiar? (Like, every day!).

If we respond with: “That doesn’t hurt.” “You’re not tired.” “You don’t hate her.” “Don’t be scared.” or “How can you be bored?” — how on earth can the boy learn to trust and label his own emotions?

It's no wonder we have so many shut down adult men who can’t put words to what they feel. Many were shamed for sharing feelings, and when they did share, they were told they were wrong.

So ...

Parents, we have to validate what our boys are sharing. Believe them when they share their emotions and feelings. It’s vital. Dads, we have to stop holding our sons to an impossible and destructive standard of masculinity (one that even we can't measure up to!). It’s not helping.

Respond by believing your boys. Use simple reflective listening skills by validating them in phrases like: “I can see you’re tired”, “You hate her, huh? Tell me why”, “That can be scary.”, ”I'm sorry you're feeling bored.” (Btw, it doesn’t mean you have to fix the problems. Just believe them first and see what happens).

C. Call out the gold in your boys.

I've spent years studying and teaching on the power of blessing across cultures. I can’t tell you the number of people I’ve cried with, prayed for, and given counsel to whose fathers totally sucked at the blessing of simple encouragement!

In fact, many fathers did the opposite of calling out the gold by calling out the problems, faults, and failings of their children. It’s incredibly traumatizing and irresponsible. It really pisses me off.

Boys whose dads are in their lives need their dads' unconditional love, approval, and acceptance. Think for a minute: how many movies contain a theme of a boy (or adult boy) looking for his father’s approval? So many! It’s hardwired into us and essential for emotional health and literacy.

So ...

Remember, blessing is not a reward for good behavior. Blessing is our right, as humans.

Like nurture, safety, and community, we NEED the good things in us called out by others. Drop the nitpicking and criticism, instead find some things that your boy likes, has a knack for, or is interested in and encourage him with words.

It could sound as simple as, “Man, you love soccer? That’s great!” or “You’re a kind young man, kinder than me. I’m proud of you, son," or “I know it’s not the mark you wanted, but I don’t care, I can see you’ve tried. I'll cheer you on no matter the outcome.”

Finally, let me add something that may help in your journey to teach emotional literacy.

This isn't about being an amazing, perfect, or super-fun, always-happy dad.

In my 14 years of parenting, I've learned that being a "good-enough" dad is the kindest and fairest standard to hold against myself and others.

If I'm a "good enough" dad, and I at least remember my ABCs, then I’m well on my way to gifting my children with the emotional literacy they need to move forward into the world of adolescence and adulthood.

This story originally appeared on davidtensen.com and is reprinted here with permission.