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Woman creates detailed list of things men 'should' be doing for their postpartum wives

This is a solid plan.

Canva, @melissamesser/TikTok

Postpartum can be a challenging time. Extra support goes a long way

Bringing a baby into the world can be a dream come true for many women. But that bliss is quickly compromised by the physical and emotional toll caused by the postpartum phase.

During this time, when hormones are raging and focus is compromised and energy is practically nonexistent—all while trying to recover from extreme physical transformations and keeping a newborn alive—having partner support is more important than ever.

That’s what makes one woman’s detailed list of things husbands (or just the partner who didn’t not deliver the baby, really) can do to help support mom moms through postpartum such an important read.

In a clip posted to her TikTok, Melissa Messer noted that her list was still the “bare minimum” of what she thinks men “should” be doing during the postpartum phase in order to really show support. But the list was comprehensive nonetheless.

To start, Messer stated that two different water bottles should be filled for mom at all times — her water bottle and her peri bottle. One for hydration, the other for comfort.

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Have healing products stock and ready to go.

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“Okay, first and arguably most important is that water bottles should always be filled with ice water. Like, don't even let it get to the point where she has to ask. Just have that thing ready. Another thing that should be filled without them having to think about is their peri bottle that they're using to heal,” she said.

And that’s not the only healing product that should be at the ready. Messer also suggested that there be a constant stockpile of pads, disposable underwear and Tucks pads. That way moms “don’t even have to think about it when they go into the bathroom.”

Since emotional support is also part of the job, Messer gave a tip for what to do during late night feedings, which can be “lonely” for their postpartum partner.

“I know, at night, it's like, ‘What can I do? Like I can't feed the baby if she's breastfeeding.’ Wake up in the middle of the night for moral support, you know?” she suggested, which brought her into her next point: “Tell her she's a good mom, at least three times a day minimum.”

Next up: domestic chores, like laundry, housework, changing diapers, etc., so that mom can “shower and nap.” though Messer noted that “that's kind of like a given,” especially if this is the couple’s first child.

For families that already do have kids, Messer said that responsibilities might change a bit, and might require more attention towards the older kids.

“You should be doing everything with the other kids. Checking in and asking if mom needs anything, even though you're with the other kids the whole time,” she explained.

She also added that with multiple kids the house is more likely to be messy, but it should never get “completely overwhelming.”

Last but certainly not least, Messer encouraged husbands to be “extra nice” to their wives, and even get them a “special treat” from time to time. Because “there is so much that moms are going through that guys are never gonna experience.”

@melissmesser Clearly i feel strongly about the water bottle LMAO #greenscreen #momsoftiktok #POSTPARTUM #postpartumrecovery #postpartumjourney #pregnancytiktok #pregnancy #postpartumlife #postpartumsupport #postpartumbody #postpartum ♬ original sound - Melissa

Over in the comments, viewers added some other tips to the list, like managing the meals and buying a bottle warmer for peri bottle, so it can be used instantly.

Others chimed in to praise their current hubbies who already showed up in big ways.

“I see these lists and immediately feel so grateful I got a good one!” one mom wrote.

Another added “I am so emotional right now listening to those knowing I got a good one.”

Postpartum is rarely a walk in the park—for either mom or dad. But just like any other challenge, it can be so much easier to navigate through partnership. And it doesn't hurt to review where you can be a more supportive partner, even if you are already doing a ton of things right. Seeing things simplified into a list just like this one is an easy way to do that.

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These postpartum rules for moms in the 1960s are going viral because they're ridiculous.

If you don’t believe the hospital experience for new mothers has changed that much in the last few decades, read through the mind-blowing instructions one institution issued every one of their postpartum patients.

“My mom was going through her things and we saw this, it's rules in regards to just having a baby,” Micala Gabrielle Henson wrote alongside the document which she posted on Facebook. The letter had been issued to her grandmother the day her mother was born.

“INSTRUCTION FOR MOTHERS,” the slightly yellowed document issued by Cabarrus Memorial Hospital in Concord, North Carolina reads.

Henson, who welcomed her first child, a little boy, just five months ago, says she was “so surprised and kind of in disbelief” when she read through some of the issued “routines” and instructions ordered by nursing service department, which claimed to be devised in order to “safeguard you and your baby.”

First off, forget about spending your hospital stay bonding with your new baby.

Instead, you can spend less than two hours a day viewing them from behind glass. “Babies are on display at Nursery window from 2:30 to 3:30 P.M. and 7:00 to 7:45 P.M. Please do not ask to see baby at any other time,” reads one of the rules.

And when it comes to actually nursing your baby, they get even stricter/more absurd. Another rule lists the hour increments (three hours apart) when “baby will come to mother for feeding.”

During the first 24 hours after the birth, a mother is only allowed to nurse her baby for five minutes, followed by “approximately 7 minutes” on the second and third days and 10 to 15 minutes the fourth and fifth. “If Baby Nurses Longer It May Cause The Nipple To Become Sore.” Because, um, a sore nipple is much worse than a hungry, screaming newborn.

Note that “No visitor is allowed on floor or in room during nursing periods, including father,” because god forbid someone else — especially the baby’s father — get a glimpse of that breastfeeding action. I mean, they might even see a (gasp!) boob.

Oh yeah,  and while smoking in general isn’t discouraged, nurses lay down the law when it comes to lighting up. “Do not smoke while baby is in the room,” they instruct. Because back in the 1960s, smoking in the hospital was totally a thing.

The nurses also had some pretty strong orders about what foods new moms should absolutely not to eat.

They issued the list of forbidden foods in all caps, just to make sure everyone knew how seriously to take the restrictions. “DO NOT EAT CHOCOLATE CANDY, RAW APPLE, CABBAGE, NUTS, STRAWBERRIES, CHERRIES, ONIONS, OR GREEN COCOANUT [sic] CAKE,” they warn. But, perhaps brown coconut cake is okay? We may never know.

Commenters were as shocked as could be expected. Some wanted to know what green coconut cake is and why exactly it was blacklisted? Others couldn’t believe new mothers weren’t discouraged from smoking in general (“Ladies put your cigarettes down when you feed the baby,” joked Sydney Miller). However, a slew of mothers pointed out that they experienced similar restrictions — just twenty years ago!

“I would be barred from the hospital!” wrote Lisa O’Neil. “21 years ago I had my first baby and the rules were pretty ridiculous then also, my urge to mummy my daughter won me the right to be ignored by the midwives.”

While we’re all pretty blown away by the antiquated practices of 1968, as a new mom, Henson found the nursing rules to be particularly shocking — especially the suggested breastfeeding time increments.

“I absolutely could not believe that,” she says. “I guess I had never thought about how breastfeeding wasn’t always such a big thing. But wow, only breastfeeding my baby for five minutes?! Especially when he was a newborn?! My baby would be so upset!”

The letter has been shared thousands of times, and rightfully so. Every single person on the planet needs to read it, take a moment to absorb its ridiculousness and be reminded of how things have seriously changed for the better in the last 50 years — at least in regards to birthing a baby!

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Yep, Chrissy Teigen is still being as real as it gets after giving birth again.

Chrissy Teigen and John Legend just welcomed their baby boy, Miles, into the world.

"This is Miles Theodore Stephens," Teigen captioned a photo posted on May 17, 2018. "We are drowning in his little peeps and nuzzles. Our household feels overwhelmed with love."

[rebelmouse-image 19398126 dam="1" original_size="491x650" caption="Image via Chrissy Teigen/Instagram." expand=1]Image via Chrissy Teigen/Instagram.

Don't let the adorable pic and delightful caption above fool you though: Teigen's still being as real as it gets when it comes to postpartum life.

Hours after Miles' Instagram debut, she posted a slightly less magical shot sporting post-birth underwear, giving a shout-out to comedian Ali Wong for cleverly pointing out the clothing item looks just like the material Korean pears are wrapped in at the grocery store.

[rebelmouse-image 19398127 dam="1" original_size="524x672" caption="Image via Chrissy Teigen/Instagram." expand=1]Image via Chrissy Teigen/Instagram.

On May 20, Teigen threw a (lighthearted) dig at Legend for attending an awards show while she was at home fulfilling her less glamorous mommy duties.

"Wow," she wrote from the couch, wrapped in a blanket with Miles in her arms. "Didn’t u just have a baby John [shake my head] go take care of it !!!!!! disgusting"

Then there was this tweet — an incredibly honest revelation about the birthing process. "I can confirm postpartum life is 90% better when you don't rip to your butthole," she confirmed.

(The replies to that one were particularly amazing. "My baby boy will be 25 in August and my butt still hurts," one follower chimed in.)

None of this should be surprising. Teigen's been dropping mommy candor since giving birth to her now 2-year-old, Luna.

Luna — like every little one — has had her rascal moments. And Teigen's been happy to share many of them with fans.

Because many parents have been there, done that.

But Teigen's relatable mom life has gone beyond the jokes and lighthearted digs at daddy. She's opened up about the more serious sides of parenthood as well.

Last year, Teigen penned a powerful essay in Glamour about her struggles with postpartum depression.

"How can I feel this way when everything is so great?" she wrote.

"When I wasn’t in the studio, I never left the house. I mean, never. Not even a tiptoe outside. I’d ask people who came inside why they were wet. Was it raining? How would I know — I had every shade closed. Most days were spent on the exact same spot on the couch and rarely would I muster up the energy to make it upstairs for bed. John would sleep on the couch with me, sometimes four nights in a row. I started keeping robes and comfy clothes in the pantry so I wouldn’t have to go upstairs when John went to work. There was a lot of spontaneous crying."

After being diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety, Teigen began taking an anti-depressant and opening up to family and friends about what she was going through.

"I remember being so exhausted but happy to know that we could finally get on the path of getting better," she wrote. "John had that same excitement."

Sure, many aspects of Teigen's life aren't ordinary or relatable. She's wealthy and a famous model, cookbook author, and TV personality. Her (well-deserved) career has afforded her many luxuries most of us will never benefit from. But that's why her parenting candor — both the funny anecdotes and her more sobering revelations — are all the more important.

If a star like Teigen's going through it, you know you're not alone.

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What happened after I finally told people I had postpartum depression.

Don't ignore it. It's serious.

It’s been almost six weeks since the birth of our daughter and I’m slowly beginning to come out of the fog .

 The shock of birth and subsequent demands of caring for a newborn are starting to wear off, and I have a little more mental capacity to think beyond the next breastfeeding. I’ve been thinking about this topic for a while now, and I’m finally able to say it:

I have postpartum depression and have been struggling with it for a while.

While there are articles about postpartum depression where the mother is so depressed she is detached from the child or has suicidal thoughts, those are not the only symptoms of depression. I suffer from a form of PPD that doesn’t manifest itself in wanting to kill myself or harm my child. Nonetheless, it is depression and it is serious.

I thought I was just shellshocked from giving birth. I thought I was struggling to adjust from the sleep deprivation, the getting used to breastfeeding (holy moly, it hurts!), the routine of caring for the baby, etc. I thought it was the aftermath of all the events that had happened around the baby’s birth — from our dog being sick with cancer and having to put her down, to firing the first nanny, to finding a replacement nanny, who was amazing but kept me in a state of constant worry because she could leave at any moment due to her next engagement.

These may have been contributing factors to my current state, but I was already at high risk of PPD after suffering anxiety and depression during my pregnancy.

I’m supposed to be checking in with my health care providers, but I keep lying to them and telling them I’m fine. My psychiatrist’s answer is to keep pushing meds on me, and I’m determined to try to not go the medication route as much as possible while breastfeeding. My ob-gyn, while being well-intentioned, thinks the solution is to just lecture the heck out of me every time I see her about how I need to let things go and make my husband take on more responsibilities. I stopped seeing a therapist after a few sessions because she didn’t quite understand me. I don’t want to burden my husband with this because he’s got a lot to deal with at work. I can’t talk about this with friends because it will make them uncomfortable after a while. So, who do you talk to when you are struggling with PPD?

It’s such a taboo subject, especially in Asian culture; it almost seems shameful. Even as I write this, I am worried and scared of the reception I will receive — from the people who don’t understand why I would even have PPD (it’s not a choice), to people who say “Don’t worry you’ll get over it soon” or “It’s natural to feel a little down, you’re not depressed,” the folks who exclaim “You’re so strong I would never imagine you having anything like this,” and the well-meaning folks who will want to constantly ping me to ask if I’m OK.

Having PPD is not a choice. I didn’t ask to have these feelings or have my mind work this way. Every day I struggle between feeling helpless and hating myself for being in this state.

I’m severely behind on work and scared to even open up my email or check Slack. I turn down invitations from friends to meet up, and I haven’t stepped foot outside in weeks apart from doctor’s appointments. I forced myself to go to a social function soon after giving birth, then quickly went back home to my self-imposed solitude. Last weekend, I forced myself to get up and go to the farmer’s market for produce.

Slowly, I am fighting to gain a foothold on this downward spiral of apathy, depression, and helplessness. I crave human companionship and understanding, yet I shun it and push it away because it’s too overbearing and too much for me. I want help from others, yet I’m loathe to take it when offered. It’s not because I don’t appreciate it; it’s because I don’t know how to quite deal with it. In the past, I’ve been so burned from seeking help and not getting what I need that I’m scared to ask.

If you read this, and you see me, please don’t pity me or smother me with well-intentioned but overbearing advice or words of comfort. A simple, quick, silent hug will mean the world to me — to remind me I am not alone.

I will start my blog. I will plow through the backlog of work. I will go outside for walks with the baby. I will breathe. I will live again. I will win.

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