Doctor has a super simple tip to keep "default parenting" from happening
It might seem like overkill, but can actually be very helpful.
Sometimes what seems like over-communication is actually just normal communication.
We’ve pretty much all heard about default parenting at this point. But very few conversations deal with how to prevent it. Sure, we hear plenty of stories of fed-up moms finally drawing a line in the sand after those obligatory responsibilities take their toll, but how to keep it from happening in the first place?
This can be a struggle for all couples, because without constant effort and communication, it’s so easy to go into default mode. But pediatrician Dr. Em (@dr.emzieees) has a tip that can really help. It’s advice she learned when first becoming a doctor, that she now shares with parents during their first appointment—assuming that the child is in fact being raised by two parents, and those parents are one mome and one dad, that is.
The advice is this: “If either parent is leaving the room, they need to tell the other parent.”
Now, this might seem rudimentary, but as Dr. Em explains, we don’t often see an even dynamic between moms and dads here. Painting the picture, she said, “When both parents are in the room, if mom needs to leave the room — if she needs to go to the bathroom, if she needs to change her clothes — she tells her partner.”
Meanwhile fathers “will oftentimes just get up and leave the room because they know that mom is there.”
Even this seemingly innocent habit is a problem, because if only one partner, (i.e., “dad”) “can get up and leave at any time and not say anything,” that sends the message that there’s only one parent that HAS to be available at all times. And that parent is, you guessed it, mom.
“It’s something a lot of men don’t realize unless you tell them. If mom doesn’t know when her duties are going to start and end she’s just always on duty for the baby,” Dr. Em reiterated.
If there was any doubt that this is, in fact, a common occurrence for women, read the comments below:
“I had this exact argument with my husband when our daughter was young. I wa sSO MAD that he could just come and go as he pleased, and I couldn't
“Hubby and I had this argument when our youngest was a baby. Sometimes he’ led the house without saying anything. 6 years down the round and he would NEVER. Our kiddo is safer d/t this rule.”
“Thank you for this! I’ve been trying to explain to my husband why I get upset that he just leaves and he hasn't quite got it from how I’m explaining it- but I showed him this and he said it makes sense and now he understands.”
Then again, a lot of couples seemed to have found their way into this healthy habit naturally.
“My husband and I have always told each other we’re leaving the room. I never realized this wasn't the norm,” one person wrote.
So often in healthy partnerships—especially those that involve raising a human together—rely on excellent communication. It might feel like overkill at first, but it’s a subtle-yet-effective way to consistently stay on the same page. None of us might be born with these skills, but we can all get better through practice.
