upworthy

parenting tips

Parenting

Therapist says making these 5 small changes will get your teen to start sharing more with you

Everything isn't always "fine."

Photo credit: Canva

Making these 5 simple changes will get your teen to share more with you

Raising teens is not for the faint of heart, and getting them to share more than "fine" when inquiring about their day can feel nearly impossible. But communicating with your teen doesn't have to feel like a trip to the dentist. If you make just a few small adjustments, you'll notice that conversations start flowing more smoothly.

Before we proceed, I'd like to ease your mind. As a therapist who has spent more than a decade working with teens, I can tell you: they're listening. It may not seem like it, especially if you have a boundary tester, but they hear what you tell them and know that you're trying to protect them. But there is a common theme to their complaints: they don't feel heard, they feel like their parents talk at them instead of to them, and a big one is that they fear being judged, subsequently disappointing their parents.

communication; talking with teens; teens; teenagers; communicating with teens Heated conversation in the living room.Photo credit: Canva

Teenagers are in a unique stage in not only brain development but also social, emotional, and biological development as well. There are a lot of things going on inside their brains and bodies that need to be acknowledged. From the ages of 12-18 kids experience a psychosocial developmental stage called "Identity vs Role Confusion," according to famed psychoanalyst Erick Erikson. During this stage of development, teens are figuring out who they are and what they believe in, independent of their parents.

This is also a time when they pull away from their parents to seek more advice and validation from their peers, which is generally where the breakdown happens. "Fine" becomes the standard answer to nearly any question a curious parent hoping for a glimmer of communication can think to ask. If you want to avoid the dreaded "fine," here are some things you could try to get your teen to open up.

communication; talking with teens; teens; teenagers; communicating with teens Carpooling with friends, enjoying the ride! 🚗📱😊Photo credit: Canva

Trap them in the car

Kidding. Don't actually "trap" them in the car, but if you want to get a few extra words out of your teen, the car is a great place to dig a little deeper. We still want to approach topics with care and thoughtfulness, but I've found that when the teen isn't pressured to have eye contact or see their parent's expression to something they've said, they tend to tell you more. But it's on you to know what to ask. Instead of, "How was school?" ask a more probing question.

Sometimes, asking them to tell you about something exciting, funny or interesting that happened will result in them spilling a lot more details about their day. If you know they've been struggling with a class or teacher, feel free to ask them if the teacher is still being a turd. It may sound silly, but little things like that let them know you're on their side and frees the air for them to voice grievances.

Try not to make talks into a production

This well-intentioned method of having big conversations can really stifle communication with teenagers. Sitting them down at the kitchen table across from both of their parents to talk about sex or drugs can feel a lot like getting called into the principal's office. Important talks don't need to be formal; they can happen just about anywhere. And if you didn't start off having chats like that early and often, you can start now.

If there's a way for you both to be busy while talking, it will help dissipate any nervous energy that might come up. This means chatting while cooking dinner together, putting together a puzzle, or pulling weeds takes the formality out of the conversation and you might even be surprised with their own questions.

communication; talking with teens; teens; teenagers; communicating with teens Mother and daughter sharing a thoughtful moment at home.Photo credit: Canva

Put your tool belt away, you're not Bob the Builder

When your teen finally opens up about an issue, they don't always want you to fix it. In fact, jumping right into "fix-it" mode can be a quick way to get your teen to clam up, especially if fixing it means having some harsh words with the person you feel hurt your child. Believe it or not, teenagers are capable of problem-solving! They've been watching you do it all their lives.

A great way to build on the trust that comes with open communication is by asking your child how they want to be supported. You can do this by asking, "Do you want my advice or do you just want me to listen?" This question goes a long way because it's showing them that you trust them to not only know what they need in the moment but to fix their own problem. It will also help build their confidence when interacting with peers outside of the home.

communication; talking with teens; teens; teenagers; communicating with teens Mother and daughter enjoying a tablet together on a cozy bed.Photo credit: Canva

You were once a teenager—but you're not now

Parents all over are guilty of this, myself included. It's natural to see someone going through something similar to what you experienced and automatically pull on your imaginary suspenders, breathe deeply and say, "Back in my day." Yes, the anecdote might be relevant. It might even be helpful, but if they didn't ask or expressly give permission after you've asked, it's not a bad idea to keep it to yourself.

If every time your teen comes to you with a problem you relive your glory days, they'll suddenly have far fewer problems that they need help addressing. They want to know about your life as a teenager, which lets them know a different side of you, but they don't want to know when they're actively struggling. They'll ask when they're ready for you to pull out those suspenders and a good piece of straw to chew on.

Practice your poker face

You know that high-pitched noise your ears sometimes make for seemingly no reason? There have been more than a few times that I've wished for that temporary break in hearing when my own teens overshared details about their personal lives. But when your teen is opening up about something important to them, it's not the time for judgment. That includes your face.

Instead of a wide-eyed gasp, practice with a friend or partner reacting to the most ridiculous information with a straight face and curiosity. This will help if your kid comes home from a sleepover with Ronald McDonald red hair or when they tell you that they snuck into the liquor cabinet and got sick from too much tequila. Learning to keep a neutral face will also help them feel safe if something more life-changing happens, like a teen pregnancy, drug use, or coming out as LGBTQ.

communication; talking with teens; teens; teenagers; communicating with teens Two friends enjoying a heartfelt conversation on the couch.Photo credit: Canva

Learning to keep the judgment off of your face and out of your voice will go a long way. Following their confession by identifying and validating their feelings will help to disarm the defenses they likely put up before they spilled their secret. Not sure what to say? Something like, "That must've been scary. How are you feeling now?" works well because it allows them a chance to reflect. The point is for them to feel heard and supported. Of course, some of these revelations may require consequences if there's something egregious that occurred, but for the most part, this is unlocking a sacred sharing of trust and information.

Bonus: Your child's business is theirs to share, not yours

This is one that many parents are guilty of whether it's good news, bad news or embarrassing news. Some parents have a bad habit of sharing their teenager's information without their permission and, sometimes, without thought about how their child may feel. During my work with teens, this came up a lot. Teens were mortified that their great aunt knew they'd had their first kiss or started their period.

communication; talking with teens; teens; teenagers; communicating with teens Sharing smiles and stories in the park. 📱😊Photo credit: Canva

A good rule to follow to maintain trust in this area is to ask if you would want that information shared about you. If you're unsure, ask your child. If you are sure, ask your child. Basically, anything beyond them having a stellar report card should be a quick check in with your kid. Maybe they wanted to share the news first or maybe they don't want anyone to know the news at all. Keeping things under wraps until your teen gives the okay will preserve the trust and communication you've worked so hard to build.

This article was written by Jacalyn Wetzel, Licensed Clinical Social Worker and practicing therapist.

From Your Site Articles
communicating with teens
ParentingFamily
Education

Former teacher shares the four things she couldn't tell parents that she's free to reveal now

Teachers notice things that parents often don't.

via Canva/Photos

A woman looks very embarrassed.

Maggie Perkins, 32, made headlines in 2022 when she quit the teaching profession to work at Costco, and showed no interest in looking back. "The conditions were worsening rapidly, and I realized they weren't getting better, and nobody seemed alarmed enough to do anything. I was 29 when I decided to leave," she told People, noting she was making $47,000 at the time.

"The more I learned about Costco and the different roles at the company, the happier I was at the idea of working there, whether at the warehouse or corporate, for the rest of my career," she added. "I feel like there was a great potential reward for pursuing it." Now, three years later, she trains fellow employees and has no regrets about leaving her former career.

Now that Perkins has been out of the classroom for a few years, she can say the things she couldn't when she was working as an educator. So, she created a video where she revealed four big things that she had to keep to herself, and all of them are centered around kids’ hygiene. "I used to be a teacher, and I couldn't have said any of these things to your kid or to you while I was a teacher,” she opens her video.

@itsmaggieperkins

Things I couldn’t say while I was a teacher: 1. Cut your kids nails 2. Get them deodorant before they start really stinking 3. Start wearing a bra before it’s really noticeable 4. Wash those hoodies. #teachersoftiktok #formerteacher #teacherlife #teachertok #middleschoolteacher

What do teachers want to tell their students and parents but can’t?

1. Cut your child’s nails

“If your kid's nails are long and dirty, other kids are noticing, and also it is gross. Kids literally get impetigo from their own fingernails,” she said.

2. Start using deodorant before they smell

“Please start putting deodorant on your kids before you notice that they need it,” she said. “Fifth grade, guys, fifth grade, deodorant.”

3. Your child needs to start wearing a bra sooner than you think

“It doesn’t have to be like a real bra. This is just like a soft, athleisure-type situation,” she said. “No one wants to be made fun of because it looks like they should be wearing a bra and they're not.”

4. Wash that sweatshirt and hoodie often

“Once those cuffs start to be like literally brown and ratty, wash the jacket. I am watching them wipe their snot on the jacket sleeve day after day after day,” she said. “They're walking around in a dirty snot rag.”

girl hoodie, young girl sweatshirt, girl in orange, young sassy girl, hand signals A young girl posing in an orange sweatshirt.via Canva/Photos

Perkins’ advice is for the child’s health, but also to save them from embarrassment. “There's no worse feeling than being a sixth grader who has this like acute sense of being different than others and criticized,” she said. “Your child is probably more aware of it than you are, and they're just not talking to you about it, because kids don't talk to their parents that much.”

The post was popular on TikTok, garnering over 2.4 million views, and it resonated with Perkins’ followers, who shared how hygiene issues had caused them a lot of embarrassment when they were young. "Parents, please also teach your kids to be compassionate because not all kids come from a loving home. Be the love they don’t receive and don’t make fun of the kids who may smell or are not wearing a bra,” one viewer wrote. "I would have loved for a teacher to tell this to my mom. I went to middle school without a bra, and I was so embarrassed to change in the locker rooms," another added.

boy at lunch, school lunch, embarassed student, salad, middle-school boy, middle school girls A child pre-teen serving himself lunch. via Canva/Photos

Ultimately, Perkins’ tips are all about helping parents anticipate and address any potential hygiene or attire issues their child may encounter before they become a problem, whether that’s causing illness or embarrassment. The former teacher’s tips are a great reminder that a little extra care at home can make things a lot easier for kids on the playground and in the classroom.

This article originally appeared in May.

From Your Site Articles
teachers
EducationTeachers
Parenting

Parenting experts share 8 toxic phrases to never use with kids

They instantly make kids not want to listen.

Image via Canva

Parenting experts explain why parents should avoid saying these toxic phrases.

There is no such thing as the "perfect parent." Since people aren't perfect, their parenting can't be either. In fact, there are a number of things that can cause parents to unintentionally hurt their kids--from generational trauma to stress and frustration. Sometimes the most loving parents can spew out toxic words and phrases to their kids.

Not only can this lead to further behavioral issues, but it can instill in them toxic messages they will carry into future relationships--and as parents themselves one day. Being aware of toxic parenting phrases before they are used is a positive first step, followed by understanding why and how they can impact kids.

These are eight of the most common toxic phrases parents should avoid saying to their kids, according to parenting experts.

1. Never say: 'You look terrible.'

Sure, it may be coming from an honest place, but parents who use this phrase may be unknowingly image shaming their kids, causing insecurities to "skyrocket," according to the experts at Psych2Go. It could also possibly lead to body issues in the future.

2. Never say: 'You're a freak.'

By saying this to your child, you may be imprinting the message that they are "ill-fitting to the world," and also implying "there is something wrong with them as a person," notes Pysch2Go.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

3. Never say: 'You know better than that.'

According to parenting coach Reem Raouda, parents should say instead: "Something's getting in the way of your best self right now. Let's talk about it."

She explains that this avoids shaming your child, and reframes the scenario from punishment to partnership. "It assumes the best in your child and encourages self-reflection instead of defensiveness. It sends the message: 'I believe in you, and I'm here to help'," says Raouda.

4. Never say: 'You're so immature.'

Emotions like disgust, ridicule, and shame may be triggered if you say this to your child, notes Psych2Go.

5. Never say: 'Because I said so.'

Raouda shares that saying this to your child not only shuts down communication, but it also teaches blind obedience.

Instead, you can try saying: "I know you don't like this decision. I'll explain, and then we're moving forward." "You're not debating or negotiating—you're modeling respectful leadership. This phrasing acknowledges their feelings and reinforces that you're in charge in a calm, grounded way," she says.

6. Never say: 'This is your fault.'

This phrase is manipulative, according to Psych2Go. "A parent placing blame on their child and acting victimized causes the child to feel like a burden or even a curse. This can lead to them going to great lengths to avoid being a so-called problem, maybe even enslaving themselves to maintain acceptance."

7. Never say: 'Show me some respect.'

Of course, respect should be given when it is properly due. But parents who command this of their kids can not only be confusing, but also stunt your child's critical thinking and questioning, shares Psych2Go.

8. Never say: 'Do what I say or else.'

Saying this to your child is "an outright threat," which totally dismisses your child's needs and desires. In turn, this can lead to your child feeling unworthy of anything but your whims as a parent, says Psych2Go.

From Your Site Articles
toxic parenting phrases
ParentingFamilyJoy
Parenting

Psychologist shares 15-second trick to make kids of any age less rude and more cooperative

All it takes is a single question.

via Hunter Johnson/Unsplash

This trick can fix any attitude.

Sometimes, it can feel like half of parenting is repeating yourself over and over again, asking your child to brush their teeth or take a dish from the living room to the sink. It’s exhausting and makes you feel like a nag. Don't you wish there was a simple way to make your kids listen the first time?

Dr. Rebecca Kennedy, aka “Dr. Becky,” is a clinical psychologist and founder and CEO of Good Inside who says she has a quick way to make your kids more cooperative and less rude. Talk about killing two soul-crushing birds with one parenting stone. Dr. Becky got into psychology after struggling with anorexia as a teenager.

“Okay, no matter how old your kid is, you can use this 15-second tip to decrease rudeness and increase cooperation,” she says in a TikTok video with over 32,000 views. “Find your child today and ask them this question. 'Hey, I was just wondering, what could I do better as your parent?'”

parents, children, child, parenting, trick, communication A mom and son talk on the couch.Canva Photos

The psychologist says that even if the child has a random or impractical answer such as “Let me stay up ‘til midnight” or “I’d like to eat macaroni and cheese for breakfast, lunch and dinner,” just to listen. Simply by listening, you can change your child’s behavior.

She says we should also ask more questions to further the conversation: “Tell me more. What would that be like?”

@drbeckyatgoodinside

Want to improve your relationship with your kid in less than 15 seconds? Watch this reel for a quick-win strategy. The best part: When we use strategies like this in calm moments, we reduce the frequency of difficult moments with our kids. Of course, I’m a realist… I know you need in-the-moment strategies too! Cue: My Conquering Problem Behaviors Workshop. You’ll get an entire toolbox of in-the-moment and outside-the-moment strategies for reducing outbursts and strengthening your bond with your kid. Learn more in the link in bio!

“I mean, imagine your boss coming to you randomly and asking how they could be a better manager to you. Just by asking the question and listening,” she continued. Dr. Becky says that asking our kids how we’re doing as parents communicates three essential ideas: “I care about you. I respect you. I'm invested in this relationship.”

This type of questioning builds a connection with a child that can spill over into other behaviors. “You're building connection. And with more connection always comes more cooperation,” she ends the video.

The big takeaway from the video is that when we enhance our connection with our kids, they will be less likely to disobey or be rude because they feel heard and respected, so there’s no need to act out. They will also return that respect by listening to you when you have a request, such as taking out the trash or putting down their phone and coming to dinner.

Some people in the comments got funny responses when they asked their kids what they could improve. “I asked my 5yr old. I got a mildly scathing look and she said ‘erm, maybe try and burn dinner less next time?’” one parent wrote. “My 5 yo told me to look better and get a haircut,” another added.

Dr. Becky’s quick question is a great way for parents to strengthen their relationships when things are going well instead of trying to forge connections during conflict. It’s a great reminder that even when parenting, an ounce of prevention is a pound of cure.

family, parents, kids, parenting, bonding A happy family.Canva Photos

Dr. Becky sums up the importance of prevention in her TikTok caption: “When we use strategies like this in calm moments, we reduce the frequency of difficult moments with our kids,” she wrote.

This article originally appeared last year.

From Your Site Articles
parenting
ParentingFamily
Trending Stories