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Taking time off after having a baby is full of paradoxes. It can be strange, and a little boring and monotonous. It's jarring, especially for a busy career-oriented person, to suddenly be at home all the time doing laundry, dishes, and taking the occasional stroller walk. There's a part of you that gets restless and can't wait for it to be over. And that's why it's weird when dread kicks in the moment you realize your leave is almost up.

For many mothers, it can be hard to let go of that time with your baby — time you never really get back. Or, in some cases, babies.

One new mom of twins recently discussed the complicated emotions she was feeling on her very last day of maternity leave.


person's hand holding baby feet Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash

TikTok user Marissa Jeanne couldn't hold back her tears as she held her babies and tried to describe the emotional toll she was facing on the eve of her return to work.

“Today is my last day of maternity leave, and I go back to work tomorrow. And I just feel like I haven't had enough time with them," she began bluntly.

“I know I got longer than a lot of women get with three months, but I just don't feel ready physically and mentally. I feel like there's so much that you think that you are going to do on maternity leave. I think you're going to accomplish so many things and do so many things with your babies. And then here I am at the end and I'm like, ‘I didn't do any of that,' but I feel like I did do a lot of this and that's one of the most important things,” she says of cuddling her sleeping babies.

“I think the hardest part is it's just like such an abrupt change that you're with your babies all the time, and then you pick them up from daycare and you might just get a few hours with them. So that's just such an abrupt change, and it's really hard.”

Moms often get pigeonholed once their babies come into the world. People assure them that their priorities will shift and they'll probably stop caring about their career (a bias sometimes called the 'maternal wall' that causes all kinds of problems when it comes to hindering moms in their work). Marissa perfectly explained how it's possible, and quite common, to want both things at once — even if it's hard.

“I also love my career. I am proud of what I do, but there's always that mom guilt of you're not giving enough time to your kids, but you can't do it all. You can't give 100% to everything. I think that's something important to remember,” she says.

“I just feel so honored to be their mom and to have gotten the past three months with them. So I'm really grateful for that. For all the working moms out there, you're amazing. Yeah, you can't do it all, but you're doing the best that you can for your kids and that's all that matters.”

Watch the whole video from Marissa's TikTok here:

@marissa_jeanne

Last day of maternity leave and I am a mess. There’s nothing that prepares you for this day in your postpartum journey. #maternityleave #maternityleaveover #postpartumjourney #pospartum #3monthspostpartum #backtowork #workingmom #workingmoms #workingmomstruggles #twinmom

People in the comments were quick to point out: It doesn't have to be this way.

"Maternity leave in the US is way too short," one user wrote.

"Our instincts want us to say with the babies," said another.

"This breaks my heart! It's so unnatural for a mom to be separated from her tiny babies," added another user.

One person noted that since Marissa had twins, she should technically get double the time off. Hard to argue that one!

Other users were quick to share examples of how parental leave in other countries puts the US to shame.

In Germany, parents can take up to three years of leave without losing their jobs! It's unpaid, but parents may apply for an allowance from the government during that time, even if they had no prior income.

In Romania, parents are entitled to 126 days of leave at 85% of their prior pay.

Maternity leave in the UK can be up to a whopping 52 weeks, with 39 of those weeks being paid (starting at 90% of their average earnings and decreasing after 6 weeks). Canada? 15 weeks of paid leave (at only 55% pay, but still!) and an additional unpaid 35 weeks after that.

When you list it out like that, 3 months of unpaid leave is absolutely pathetic. But as Marissa's reaction points out, it's not just the pay.

First, there's the physical toll. Recovering from giving birth could take 6-8 weeks at a minimum, but probably much, much longer. So we're sending moms back to work when they've just barely gotten back on their feet.

And then, even worse, there's the emotional. When your babies are just a few weeks old, you're still deep in the bonding phase, and it's unimaginably jarring to have to cut it so short and drop them off at daycare so you can go back to work so soon. Plus, about 15% of moms will have postpartum depression, which can last for several years. And a whopping 85% will deal with the "baby blues" — hormonal fluctuations that occur after giving birth for several weeks and cause anxiety, crying, and temporary depression.

Most people would agree that 3 months is just really fast to be separated from brand new babies.

It's just sad that moms who work don't get a choice. If you're not ready to go back in 3 months, there's no guarantee that you could extend your leave and keep your job. Even if your family could handle the financial strain of a longer unpaid leave period, it's just not an option for most people. It makes new parents feel cornered and scared, and frustrated by a system that's setting them up to fail.

Luckily, things are steadily getting a little bit better, with more states adopting paid leave policies and more individual employers getting on board. Let's keep the momentum going, because we've got a long way to go.

A grandmother holding her newborn grandchild.

Most grandparents play an important role in helping their families when their children welcome a new child into the world.

Grandparents can be called on to watch over the family’s older children while their parents care for the newborn in the hospital. They also may have to run errands, take care of pets or stop by the house and watch the newborn so the new parents can get some much-needed rest.

For many grandparents, this involves traveling across the country and taking time off work to support their growing families. Becoming a new grandparent means taking on a whole host of responsibilities. However, we never hear about grandparents getting paid leave to help their families.

Saga, a U.K. travel and insurance company for the over-50s, is showing support for the grandparents who work at their company by offering a week of paid leave to celebrate the birth of a grandchild.


“This is about helping new grandparents celebrate a special moment and play a role in growing families from day one,” said Jane Storm, the chief people officer at Saga. “It is also a symbol of how important older workers are to their companies and society.

“Our customers are mostly over 50 and we want to have more colleagues here that reflect the community we serve,” Storm continued. “We also think this idea should be a key attraction for retention and recruitment.”

In addition to getting a week off, all grandparents will have access to the company’s onsite nursery in Folkestone, Kent. While the new company policy is a wonderful gesture for their older employees, for some, having time off for their grandchildren is a practical concern.

In the U.K. about 40% of grandparents aged over 50 provide regular childcare for their grandchildren.

“Embracing family-friendly working practices makes business sense,” said Justine Roberts, the founder of the online community Gransnet. “Employers who recognize the fact that their employees have relationships and responsibilities outside of work will reap the rewards of increased loyalty and staff wellbeing.”

Americans have to be shaking their heads at how far Europeans have progressed when it comes to paid family leave. The U.S. has no federal law granting paid family leave. In fact, in the U.S. only 21% of workers have access to paid family leave through their employers.

In the U.K., Statutory Maternity Leave grants new mothers up to 39 weeks of paid leave. For the first six weeks, they are paid 90% of their average weekly earnings. And for the next 33, they are eligible for £151.97 ($204) a week or 90% of their average weekly earnings, whichever amount is lower.

Four weeks of paid leave were added to the Biden Administration’s Build Back Better bill in early November. However, the bill’s fate is now in jeopardy after losing the tie-breaking vote of Democratic West Virginia senator Joe Manchin. Manchin said that he wouldn’t vote for the Build Back Better bill last Sunday on Fox News citing inflation worries.

via Pexels

A miscarriage can be an incredibly traumatizing event for a woman, but because they are relatively common, they aren't treated as seriously as they should be. According to the CDC, about 17% of American pregnancies end in miscarriage.

"Because it is medically common, the impact of miscarriage is often underestimated," Janet Jaffe, PhD, a clinical psychologist at the Center for Reproductive Psychology in San Diego said according to the American Psychological Association.

"But miscarriage is a traumatic loss, not only of the pregnancy but of a woman's sense of self and her hopes and dreams of the future. She has lost her 'reproductive story,' and it needs to be grieved," she continued.


A study from Britain found that about 15% of women who miscarry experience significant depression and/or anxiety for up to three years after the event.

However, the experience is treated by most as a routine health issue, forgetting the incredible emotional trauma that can come with a miscarriage. The loss of a potential child strikes at the very heart of what it means to be human. To simply pass it off as a routine medical event is extremely callous.

A new law recently passed in New Zealand aims to provide time to heal for those intimately affected by miscarriage.

New Zealand's parliament passed a new bill that gives women, their partners, and parents planning to have a child through adoption or surrogacy, three days of paid leave after a pregnancy loss. India is the only other country with such a law. It gives women six weeks of paid leave after a miscarriage or medical termination.

In the U.S., Reddit is the only employer that offers time off for a miscarriage. The tech company offers eight and a half weeks of fully paid leave for anyone who goes through a pregnancy loss — father or mother.

"The passing of this bill shows that once again New Zealand is leading the way for progressive and compassionate legislation, becoming only the second country in the world to provide leave for miscarriage and stillbirth," Ginny Andersen, the MP in charge of the bill, said in a statement.

"The bill will give women and their partners time to come to terms with their loss without having to tap into sick leave. Because their grief is not a sickness, it is a loss. And loss takes time."

During a 2018 interview with The Guardian, Andersen explained that miscarriages are a taboo subject in New Zealand and shouldn't be the reason for conflict between employee and employer.

"The lack of clarity has meant some women have been in the position of having to argue with their employer about whether they are entitled to leave because they have lost their unborn child," Andersen said. "A lot of women have had more than one miscarriage and it can be very traumatic and difficult if you are trying to hold down a job."

Let's hope that New Zealand's new law calls much-needed attention to the grief that parents experience after a miscarriage and inspires world leaders will take necessary steps to create an environment where parents can heal after such personal trauma.

When I was pregnant with my first baby, I didn't understand why people talked about the newborn period being so hard.

I mean, it's not like newborn babies are crawling around getting into things or arguing with you about which color cup they want. They eat, they sleep, and they poop. How hard could it be?

Then I had my first baby — and the world turned upside down.


Photo by Philippe Huguen/Getty Images.

Having a newborn is so much more than just snuggling with your sweet-smelling infant. There's the childbirth recovery, the hormone surges, the engorged breasts leaking all over the place, the crying (yours and the baby's), and the sleep deprivation — OMG, the sleep deprivation. It's used as a form of torture for a reason.

There's also the weighty realization that this tiny person's life is literally in your hands, and you have no real idea what you're doing. It's all-consuming.

Three moms recorded their first weeks home with their newborns — and nothing was held back.

Cortney, Melissa, and Dorian all had babies this year. Melissa had her second child (she also had a toddler at the time), and Cortney and Dorian were first-time moms. They each used home security cameras to candidly document the first few postpartum weeks and shared a bit about what life has been like with a newborn.

One mom slowly eased her just-gave-birth body onto the couch and said, "Aw, f*ck." Yep. I remember that feeling. And the sound of those newborn cries is enough to make any mom's gut clench with feeling.

Of course, there is an indescribable beauty and magic to newborn babies. If someone could figure out how to bottle that baby-head smell, they'd be billionaires. There's nothing softer or silkier than baby skin, and sometimes all you want to do is just sit and stare at their perfect faces.

But that's only a fraction of the story in those early weeks.

These moms shared what surprised them about having a newborn, and it's a powerful reminder of how hard it really can be.

"Having a newborn is not what I expected," Cortney tells me. "I knew it would be tiring, but I didn't realize how exhausted I would be. It's literally a 24/7 job with no breaks."

Dorian reiterates how exhausting that period can be. "The main thing that surprised me was how serious exhaustion could be," she says. "Especially in the first two weeks. It felt like sheer willpower to put one foot in front of the other and keep going because I was so tired."

[rebelmouse-image 19398111 dam="1" original_size="465x264" caption="Image via Canary/YouTube." expand=1]Image via Canary/YouTube.

Sleep deprivation is no joke, I'm telling you. And when you add "recovering from childbirth" to the mix, it's a miracle new moms function at all.

"I wish people understood how difficult it is," Melissa says. "Being pregnant, giving birth, and the aftermath is a lot. Not only do you have to figure out how to meet the needs of a baby, but you feel worn out."

New moms need support, and that starts with acknowledging how hard they're working and how valuable that work is.

Did you know that the U.S. is the only developed nation that doesn't guarantee paid maternity leave for new moms? The only one. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Meanwhile, 36 nations offer at least a year of paid leave for parents, and dozens more offer, at minimum, 14 weeks.

If we want our citizenry to be healthy and productive, we need to acknowledge that new mothers need time to recover from childbirth, tend to the needs of their babies, and adjust to a huge life change. New motherhood is hard — awesome and amazing, but hard. Let's all do what we can to support new moms as they adjust to their unexpectedly upside-down worlds.