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Gen X's unique mid-life crisis: Caring for teens and aging parents at the same time

For real, though, how are we supposed to do this?

Photo credit: Canva

Midlife for many Gen Xers means playing two major caretaking roles.

The term "mid-life crisis" has been used for generations to describe the phase of identity-seeking and introspection that hits sometime in your 40s or 50s. Stereotypically, a mid-life crisis is marked by restlessness, dissatisfaction, and a desire for a significant life change.

Gen Xers are now fully immersed in their mid-life era, and many have a crisis on their hands that can't be resolved with a shiny sports car or a change of scenery. Millions in the "forgotten generation" are finding themselves knee deep in two major roles— parenting teens and young adults and caring for their aging parents—and it's not going so great. It's like the mid-life version of "Reality Bites."

reality bites, gen x, forgotten generation, sandwich generation, 90s movies How is Gen X middle-aged already? Giphy

Of course, every generation has had to navigate parenting and caring for elders, but cultural and economic shifts have put Gen X in a unique position of navigating both at the same time and in a more intense way than previous generations did. Many Gen Xers started families in their later 20s and early 30s, pushing the parenting teens and young adults stage a bit later than previous generations. Add on the fact that Gen X's boomer parents are living longer and have more chronic health problems than previous generations, and we have a perfect storm of caretaking overload that can feel wholly unsustainable.

Let's start with the emotional toll of navigating both of these roles at once. Everyone knows that parenting teens isn't easy, but it's arguably more complex now than it used to be. Previous parenting generations didn't have the internet and social media to contend with, and the mental health crisis of Gen Z means parents spend lots of time helping kids navigate emotional and psychological challenges. Today's young people are awesome in so many ways, but parenting them is a more intensive experience than, say, raising Gen X, who were largely left to our own devices (for better and for worse).

gen x, gen z, parenting, teens, mental health crisis Gen Z teens and young adults often confide in their parents, which is great. It also means more intensive parenting than previous generations.Photo credit: Canva

Then add on the reality of parents getting older and starting to decline physically and mentally, and the fact that there's a lack of dementia doctors for the growing population of boomers needing care, and the frustration of Gen Xers having to help navigate the increasingly confusing healthcare system on behalf of their parents, and it's easy to see why the sandwich generation might feel a little burned out.

Oh, and just for funsies, women in this age group are also going through perimenopause and menopause and dealing with all of the delightful symptoms that comes with those stages. Good times.

gen x, midlife crisis, middle age, perimenopause, menopause Hot flashes are only one of dozens of perimenopause and menopause symptoms. Giphy

And let's not forget the financial weight of it all. Theoretically, Gen Xers are at the peak of their careers and should be reaping the financial benefits of seniority and experience, but the fluctuating economy hasn't really allowed for that. According to Forbes, the average Gen Xer is "woefully unprepared" and "may require a miracle" to be able to retire, with only a small fraction of the money they should have in their retirement accounts (if they even have a retirement account at all). Plus, Gen X is apparently being passed over for leadership positions as boomers hold onto executive roles longer and companies look to younger generations to replace them, so that's neat. Trying to catch up on retirement savings while also just dealing with the cost of daily living would already be a lot, but many Gen Xers are doing that while also taking on expenses from their kids and parents both.

Gen X is putting kids through college in an era of ridiculous tuition costs, some while still paying off their own student loans they assumed would be paid off by now. Gen Z young adults also aren't launching as early as previous generations since wages haven't kept up with the cost of living, and housing is simply unaffordable for many young people on beginner salaries. So even post-college, many are still living at home with their Gen X parents to save money and rely on their parents for financial help.

And on the other end, we have the exorbitant cost of elder care, especially when there are physical or cognitive issues that require extra assistance. A lot of boomers aren't able to afford assisted living, which puts them and their families in a bind when that becomes a necessary option. The estimated median cost of living in an assisted living facility in 2025 is a whopping $72,924 a year—who can afford that but the wealthy? Even if Gen Xers bring their parent with extra needs into their home to live with them, most middle-agers are working full-time and would need to hire someone to provide their parent care during the work day. Home health care is covered by Medicare with certain medical conditions, but it's not covered if an elderly loved one only needs help with basic living activities like bathing, dressing, cooking, using the bathroom, etc. Caregiving isn't cheap, nor should it be, but someone has to shoulder those costs and Gen X is increasingly bearing the brunt of it.

What's to be done about this growing crisis? It's not like we can snap our fingers and make life more affordable for our kids or prevent our parents from needing our help as they age. What we can do is try to manage the stress that comes with these roles.

Changebridge Medical Associates offers 9 tips for the sandwich generation to lessen the stress of this stage of life. Some may feel more doable than others, but :

Communicate openly. Be open and honest in your communication. The ability to say, ‘I’m overwhelmed’ or ‘I need to step away,’ has become even more important. Remember that you are not alone, and that other people are struggling, too.

Identify stressors: What events or situations trigger stressful feelings? Are they related to your children, family health, financial decisions, work, relationships, or something else? Be sure to clearly identify the cause of your stressors so you can deal with them effectively.

stress, gen x, caregiving, parenting, midlife crisis Gen X is facing multiples stressors on multiple fronts.Photo credit: Canva

Be kind to others. Understand that we are all in the same predicament. If someone is having a tough day or hard time with something, showing kindness to each other can bring you even closer with your colleagues and friends.

Set boundaries in your home. Prioritize and delegate responsibilities. Identify ways your family and friends can lessen your load so that you can take a break. Delay or say no to less important tasks and do not feel guilty using the word “no."

Be clear on what your must-dos are. Make lists and cross off items as they are accomplished. Some people find gratification in writing a To Do list every day and crossing off things as they are completed. I know quite a few people who use Notes on their phone or utilize their calendar to set daily reminders. Whatever works best to stay organized throughout your day is what you need to do to set daily goals and tasks for yourself.


to do list, checklist, staying organized, prioritizing, must-dos Prioritizing is one key to avoiding overwhelm and burnout. Giphy

Set a routine. Keeping yourself and your family on a daily routine, especially during the week can be quite helpful. Setting expectations that your family can abide by and rely on is helpful in maintaining household organization which will ultimately bring you peace of mind. Creating a weekly menu to plan your food shopping alleviates a lot of pressure and stress.

Prioritize sleep. Sleep instead of watching more TV and scrolling through your phone. Add the extra minutes onto your sleep schedule. We all know how much sleep we need for optimal functionality. Do not shortchange yourself. Rest when you can. Do not be afraid to close your bedroom door for a power nap or some alone time. It is important for us all to take care of ourselves so we can be present for others.

Take Time for You. This is by far the most important tip. It is crucial for you to take time for yourself every day doing something that you love in order for you to destress. Focus on your own health and wellness by eating right, drinking a lot of water, and exercising. We spend so much time taking care of our families that we do not often stop to focus on our own wellbeing. Sign up for a local yoga class, take a walk or bike ride around your neighborhood, join a neighborhood walking or running club, or grab a book and find a quiet place in your home where you can close a door. Whatever it is that will give you time to recharge and pause from the day to say stressors is important for your physical and mental health.

me time, relaxation, self-care, destress, managing stress It might feel impossible sometimes, but caregiving requires self-care, too. Giphy

Ask for professional support: Accepting help from supportive friends and family can improve your ability to persevere during stressful times. If you continue to be overwhelmed by stress or the unhealthy behaviors you use to cope, you may want to talk with your primary care physician and/or a psychologist who can help you address the emotions behind your worries, better manage stress, and change unhealthy behaviors.

The one benefit of so many Gen Xers finding themselves in this boat is that no one is alone in it. Support and solidarity go a long way toward lightening the load, even in the face of unchangeable realities. Hopefully, that acknowledgment and the resilience that has always been a hallmark of Gen X will help us navigate these challenges as we walk through them together.

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15-year-old boy created an app to help his grandmother with dementia. Now it's free for all.

As the African proverb says, "It takes a village to raise a child." It also takes a village to care for an elderly person with dementia as well.

Caring for someone with dementia usually requires a team of in-home caregivers, outside healthcare workers, and family members. The patient must be under constant supervision, take multiple medications, be fed, have their hygienic needs met, and be driven to and from doctor visits.

All the while, the patient needs to be given the opportunity to spend the rest of their days as happy and comfortable as possible.

Nineteen-year-old Logan Wells of Lexington, Massachusetts, found an amazing way to organize the village of people helping his grandmother Nannie who suffers from dementia. With the help of his father, Eric, he created an app to keep all of his grandmother's caregivers on the same page, in real-time.

"When we first started," Hallie Nannie's daughter, told Colonial Times Magazine, "there were pieces of paper all over Nannie's house: the chore chart on the fridge, the calendar on the kitchen counter, the medication check-off."

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Then, as Nannie's condition progressed, she needed more caregivers, making things even more difficult to manage.

"It became really hard to stay on the same page, because we had to have multiple group chats," Logan told Best Life.

So then-15-year-old Logan got the idea for the app that would be come CareZare. "I learned the coding and my dad helped me create the prototype, and then we contacted a father-son duo to help us with the development," he said.

Over two-years, they developed the app to include heads-up alerts, like for the time when Nannie's clothes washer broke and a plumber was needed.

The app also has a calendar feature , which is great for keeping track of regular doctor visits. It also has a daily journal feature where caregivers can recount their time spent with Nannie and le t everyone know how she's feeling.

According to Logan, when caregivers start their shift, they can "look at the app and read the recent journal entries and heads up alerts, so if there's anything significant, they can deal with that."

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Seeing how well the app worked for their village of caregivers, they thought it would be a big help for others as well.

"We started to think – we can build this so it's useful to other people," said Eric. "We felt there were opportunities to really promote team-based care at the family level,"

Now, caregivers everywhere can download the app in the Apple or Android store and use it for free. It's also available to organizations for a fee.

"CareZare allows caregivers to take a team-based approach to care-giving instead of going it alone. Involve other family, friends and outside professional services on a single platform for ease of communication and better care," the CareZare website reads.

It may take a village to care for someone with dementia, but it's a lot easier when the caregivers are connected.





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Older, out, and infinitely proud: a look inside a lifesaving LGBTQ senior home.

Our LGBTQ seniors deserve better. Finally, more people are paying attention.

As a transgender woman, 65-year-old Eva Skye knows firsthand that living her truth means living in danger too. Three years ago, the only home she had was at a single room occupancy housing facility, or SRO, for those living in poverty. There, she often chose to trek up several flights of stairs to her fifth floor room instead of taking the elevator out of fear she'd be trapped and assaulted by other residents.

When I talk to Skye, her brightness fills the room with color. She's rocking a hot pink top, flashy blue fingernails, and a rainbow bracelet wrapped around her left wrist. "I’m a 65-year-old trans-queer punk mom," she explains in a gentle voice, brushing back hair dyed the color of rosé wine.

Eva Skye. Photo by Robbie Couch/Upworthy.

It's amazing what a difference a few years can make. Skye's quality of life has improved dramatically since 2014, when she moved out of the SRO and into Town Hall Apartments on Chicago's north side, one of the country's few LGBTQ-inclusive affordable housing centers for seniors.

But not every LGBTQ senior is that lucky.

Pushed back into the closet

In contrast to young Americans — a demographic coming out as LGBTQ earlier in life and in larger numbers — data and discouraging anecdotal evidence suggest LGBTQ seniors are retreating into the same closets they once escaped years prior to avoid discrimination today — whether it be at the hands of their peers, as in Skye's case, or at the hands of a senior care industry that carelessly erases them.

An alarming 2010 study discovered just 22% of LGBTQ seniors felt comfortable being "out" to health care workers. Many respondents had been harassed or refused basic services because they were LGBTQ; some, incredibly, reported being told that they were being "prayed over" or that they'd "go to hell" because of who they loved or how they identified. Instead of facing these abuses, many LGBTQ seniors said it was easier to simply blend in — even if it meant becoming invisible.

Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images.

Elderly LGBTQ people are far more likely to live alone and far less likely to have adult children they can rely on as they age compared with their straight, cisgender peers. There's a greater chance they'll end up in nursing homes, where this type of discrimination can take place. Staff members at such care centers often don't even believe they have LGBTQ residents — not because that's actually the case but because residents often choose not to come out in such uncertain conditions.

A safe place to grow old

Walking through Town Hall's cafeteria during lunch, the nurturing, jubilant atmosphere feels worlds apart from the findings of that 2010 study.

The cafeteria in the Center on Addison. Photo by Robbie Couch/Upworthy.

Through the Chicago Housing Authority's Property Rental Assistance Program, Town Hall has been providing studio and one-bedroom apartments to low-income seniors — most of whom identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer — for over three years.

"Seniors, as they get older, tend to want to go back into the closet," confirms Todd Williams, senior services manager at the Center on Addison, which provides many programs to Town Hall residents. "They suffer from isolation, and they feel as though they can’t necessarily be themselves in their own communities."

Eugene Robbins, another Town Hall resident, understands that struggle well. Before moving in three years ago, he'd been living in a housing project a few miles away where being gay and black had its challenges to say the least.

As a proud man of color born in Selma, Alabama — where, he recalls, white supremacists threw bricks through his family's home windows — he avoids trudging through too much past heartache. But Robbins acknowledges the stains discrimination has left on his life: "As the old saying goes, when your back is against the wall, you'd be surprised at what you can do," he reflects on his time in the housing project.

"I’m happy here," he says of Town Hall. "I feel good here."

Eugene Robbins (left) and Marti Smith (right). Photos by Robbie Couch/Upworthy.

At Town Hall, residents gush about their improved lives as if the apartments were their grandchildren's straight-A report cards. Skye says living in her top-floor studio apartment, with Lake Michigan just beyond view, makes her feel like Alice in Wonderland. Marti Smith, a 72-year-old "card-carrying lesbian," considers herself "extremely lucky" to have landed there and credits Town Hall and its programs with saving her life.

Smith survived throat cancer in the late 1990s. It wasn't just a health setback, it was a financial one too. The cancer's many lingering effects were considered pre-existing conditions and — long before Obamacare — deemed her uninsurable. Smith racked up credit card debt to pay for the necessary care.

The apartments' affordable rates, along with a bevy of center services that help residents manage external costs, are invaluable. Smith has used almost every program offered through the center, she says — free of charge, of course. Residents with ailments like Parkinson's disease and juvenile diabetes — even 30-year AIDS survivors — have benefited greatly from the Center on Addison, Smith notes. "There's no way that I could ever pay back what I have gotten," she says.

Books line the wall at the Center on Addison. Photo by Robbie Couch/Upworthy.

The building's refurbished hallways, where rainbow flags and smiling faces welcome you around most corners, makes Town Hall feel like a queer oasis, safe from the systemic challenges waiting outside. The Center on Addison, which operates on the building's first floor, offers innovative programs and experiences to residents, from those more focused on socializing and well-being — like yoga, trips to the theater, and genealogy classes — to less fun (but certainly just as critical) services — such as help managing health care benefits and job readiness workshops. Programs at the center are open to LGBTQ nonresidents who live in the Chicago area too.

Scaling success beyond Chicago

Outside groups have toured Town Hall and the Center on Addison in hopes of replicating its success elsewhere, Williams says. Locally, the apartments have become astoundingly popular among seniors hoping for a coveted studio or one-bedroom: "We no longer have a waiting list," he notes. "The waiting list was so long, we actually couldn’t [continue it]."

That's the sobering punch that complements touring Town Hall: There's overwhelming demand for more places just like it and nowhere near enough facilities to accommodate. Queer seniors, with their unique needs, are more likely to live in poverty; in Chicago alone, roughly 10,000 LGBTQ seniors could potentially benefit from affordable, queer-inclusive housing. With its 80 apartment units, Town Hall simply isn't enough.

Town Hall's outdoor terrace overlooks Chicago's Lake View neighborhood. Photo by Robbie Couch/Upworthy.

Fortunately, more doors are opening for people like Skye, helping queer seniors close the closet doors for good. Along with Town Hall, facilities in cities like Philadelphia, Minneapolis, and San Francisco are blazing trails for the often overlooked demographic within the LGBTQ community; New York City is in the midst of building its first two queer-inclusive centers as well — one in Brooklyn, one in the Bronx.

"Pandora’s box has been opened," Skye says of her new take on life after moving into Town Hall. "Look out world, here I am."

If only every LGBTQ senior could say the same.

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Caring for her grandma revealed an underappreciated task almost all caregivers have to do.

When Miles Taylor was a teenager, she and her little brother moved in with their grandma Betty, who essentially became a single parent at nearly 80 years old.

An untenable family situation prompted the change, which Betty took in stride. It was a move that must have taken some "grit and guts and probably a real fine-tuned sense of humor" on Betty's part, says Taylor.

Taylor is now a sociologist at Florida State University. She says Betty, who died in 2015 at the age of 100, was a huge influence in her life. Betty was resilient, quick-witted, compassionate, and could at times be incredibly stubborn (as the doctor who tried to get Betty to stop eating candy learned). "And she had an unbelievable capacity for love," says Taylor.

Miles Taylor and her grandma Betty. Photos used with permission.

As Betty got older, she started needing some extra help, and Taylor was there to contribute.

"It was small things in the beginning," Taylor says. "She needed help putting up a Christmas tree. Then, as she got a bit older, she needed help with getting groceries delivered." Taylor, her brother, friends, and neighbors all helped out.

Then, in 2011, when Betty was about 96, she fell and broke a bone in her back. Taylor knew that from then on, Betty would need a lot more than just help with the Christmas tree, so she stepped into the role of Betty's full-time caregiver.

In 2015, about 1 in 7 American adults served as caregivers for someone over 50, according to an AARP report.

The numbers are even higher if you count those taking care of other recipients, like adults or children with injuries or disabilities. Many of these caregivers are pretty young as well — about a quarter are under 35.

Although many people feel positively about being caretakers, it can be physically, mentally, and emotionally tough work. In fact, there have been many studies and papers about the stresses of being a caretaker.

Most of these studies have focused on the caregivers' relationships or on the stresses around very personal tasks (such as helping people bathe). But when Taylor stepped into this role, she realized there was another, huge aspect of a caregiver's job — one she had known about but couldn't have predicted how stressful it'd be.

Navigating the health care system blindsided Taylor.

Handling Betty's personal care was one thing, but Taylor was surprised at how much time she had to spend just figuring out the health care system. Even as someone who had time and a bit of inside knowledge, it was really difficult.

For example, Taylor knew if Betty was ever to get mobile again after the fall, she'd need rehab to help with strength and balance. But a snafu with how the hospital had listed Betty on their charts meant her insurance wouldn't cover rehab. It took weeks to fix.

"It was very frustrating," Taylor says. Over and over again, she experienced similar issues.

Though Taylor says she was never disappointed in the care Betty received, many of the various institutions — hospitals, insurance agencies, care services — were fragmented. They didn't communicate, which meant the job of sorting everything out fell to Taylor.

When Taylor talked to other caregivers, many of them felt the same way.

Now Taylor has published a paper she hopes will help reveal this invisible workload.

As she cared for Betty, Taylor found support in her friend and colleague Dr. Amélie Quesnel-Vallée of McGill University in Quebec. Quesnel-Vallée was also caring for an older family member — her mother. And though Quesnel-Vallée lives in Canada, they found a lot of similarities in their experiences.

Together, they wrote a scientific paper informed by their own experiences as caregivers, published in The Gerontologist. They're hoping researchers and policymakers will take notice and maybe even make some long-term changes.

"It's important those caregiving hours and that caregiving stress is recognized," says Taylor.

But they also had a message — not just for health care professionals, but for other caregivers too:

"On the more personal side of things, a message we'd like to send out to caregivers themselves is they're not alone," says Taylor.

The AARP report suggested that most caregivers in the U.S. are stepping into this caregiver-plus-case-worker kind of role. It's important for caregivers to know that although it's often invisible, their work is valuable and valued.

Caregiving is hard, often invisible work. Through sharing stories like this, we can help bring it into the light and give it the attention and credit it deserves.

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