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Psychotherapist explains a possible childhood reason you always procrastinate—and how to fix it

"Procrastination is often not the root problem; it's a symptom."

Image via Canva/Anna Tarazevich

Psychotherapist explains childhood connection to procrastinating.

Procrastination is a tough habit to break. If you find yourself procrastinating (delaying accomplishing tasks or duties), you probably understand how it can mount into crushing anxiety—and you may be looking for advice on how to stop procrastinating all together.

In an online discussion on procrastination, psychotherapist Marco Sander offered his insight into why you may find yourself procrastinating—and it all relates to your childhood. He beings by explaining that he has spent years working with people who struggle with procrastination.

During that time with his patients, he has recognized a a common thread between them all. "Most people think they need to just 'push harder,' 'set more goals,' or 'finally get disciplined,' but procrastination is often not the root problem; it's a symptom."

procrastinate, procrastination, procrastinating, procrastinate gif, how to stop procrastinating Bored To Death Waiting GIF by Travis Giphy

"The underlying issue is stress," he shared, adding that specifically it is internal emotional stress. He offers three examples of this:

  • Perfectionism: "If it's not 100%, it’s worthless."
  • Fear of failure or criticism: "If I don’t start, I can’t fail."
  • Lack of clarity: When the task feels like a huge, undefined mountain.
Sander notes that the link between internal emotional stress and procrastination is rooted in early childhood experiences and wounds. "For instance, if you had a hypercritical parent, you might have internalized the belief that 'I’m not good enough, yet.' So now, as an adult, you’re putting pressure on yourself before anyone else can—trying to finally do everything correctly," he explains. "This perfectionism or fear becomes your attempt to avoid the emotional pain of being criticized again. But eventually, your system says, 'I can’t do this anymore,' and so, you procrastinate."

procrastinate, the procrastinator, always procrastinating, stop procrastinating, procrastination procrastinate the amanda show GIF by NickSplat Giphy

While willpower and establishing productivity systems and habits can help people overcome procrastination, he notes that 90% of the procrastination "equation" is "understanding and healing the root of that inner pressure you put on yourself every day. And often, the fastest path forward is counterintuitive: less pressure, more compassion. It´s about healing your childhood wound."
The solution? To first acknowledge and recognize your childhood wound.
"First, you gotta figure out the specific kind of wound that is holding you back. Then you can start healing it. If I had to generally summarize the healing then it would be: 'Healing comes when we meet our wounded places with compassion.'" This includes inner child work, inner family systems, and chair work. He adds, "Going through those experiences while adding a new layer of emotion which is more compassionate will slowly heal the wound and potentially, you will feel less stressed and ultimately procrastinate less."

identity, healing, inner child, heal inner child, healing work Lilly Singh Oops GIF by A Little Late With Lilly Singh Giphy

In another comment, Sander added: "Most of the time it is not one traumatic event that happened which makes the link so clear. Most of the time it is just a general atmosphere throughout your childhood. Nobody intended harm but nevertheless you somehow got the feeling that you have to do something more to be truly accepted."
His insightful observations were praised by people struggling with procrastination. "This is one of the most insightful explanations of procrastination I’ve read. Framing it as a symptom of internal stress rather than laziness or lack of discipline is so important especially for people who’ve been hard on themselves for years," one wrote. "What really resonated with me was the part about perfectionism and early childhood experiences. That fear of 'not doing it right' or 'not being good enough' can silently run the show without us even realizing it."

perfect, perfection, perfectionist, perfectionism, being perfect do better paul hollywood GIF by PBS Giphy

Another added, "I am like this but my parents were always super supportive. These are the exact reasons why I procrastinate though. I also suffer from depression."
Others who struggle with procrastination were somewhat skeptical, but offered advice that worked for them.
"For chronic procrastinators, even attempting to 'heal' your childhood wound is a form of procrastination. There is never a point where it gets healed and then you are free of procrastination," one procrastinator shared.
"First, start—(hardest part) Second, gain momentum. Third, keep going. Your mind is a sneaky b*stard who will come up with 99 seemingly legitimate reasons to NOT do that one thing which has been eating away at you. But you just gotta do it anyway. Reflect on your life and goals in your free time. Purpose is what drives us all. But do the damn work. Do it scared. Do it unsure. Do it ugly. Do it broke. Do it tired. Do it anyway. Do it. The only way out is through."
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Researchers have pinpointed the reason why creative people often come from broken homes

There's a long list of creative geniuses who had hard childhoods.

via Canva/Photos

A woman painting.

Why do some people feel they are devoid of creativity, while others are bursting at the seams? A new study published by The Conversation has found that creativity is closely related to how people were raised and that there are two wildly different upbringings that produce creative adults.

The first type of creative person is raised in stable circumstances and has support from their parents to pursue their craft. They are given lessons and have ample resources to learn more about what they love. The other type of creative person is someone who endured trauma at a very young age and developed a deep inner world to help them combat persistent anxiety.

Does trauma result in creativity?

It makes sense that many of the creative giants of our time, Vincent van Gogh, Charles Dickens, John Lennon, Oprah Winfrey, Beethoven, Michael Jackson, and Frida Kahlo, all endured difficult childhoods, and it may be the catalyst for their incredible creativity. In Donald Winnicott’s 1971 book Play and Reality, the famed psychoanalyst notes that when children are young and have separation anxiety from their parents, they cling to “transitional objects” and specific behaviors. When the absence is prolonged and difficult, the behaviors transform into creativity.

“Some academics have proposed a model to explain this phenomenon,” Carlo Valerio Bellieni, Professor of Pediatrics, Università di Siena, writes at The Conversation. “Up to a certain level of separation or neglect from parents, the capacity to develop talents grows, but beyond a certain limit this decreases and alterations in social behaviour become more acute.”

Bellieni says that when young people experience trauma, it causes them to create a “parallel mental world” to shield themselves from the outside world. “The conclusion is that, paradoxically, children raised in an unfavourable environment can develop their own inner creative world to survive the stress, but in several cases, at the cost of producing mental health disorders,” Bellieni writes.

imagination, childhood trauma, creativity, airplanes, kid playing, flight, luggageA child pretending to be a pilot.via Canva/Photos

How does childhood adversity result in creativity?

To put it simply, when young children experience trauma, they develop a more robust imagination than those who do not, which gives them a fertile ground for the creative process.

Bellieni’s findings are echoed in a 2018 study by California State University, Northridge that analyzed 234 professional performers. The study found that the performers experienced a higher rate of childhood trauma and neglect than those who were not in the performing arts. The performers who experienced adverse childhood experiences were found to be more absorbed by the creative process and more receptive to art.

danging, performers, mental health, trauma, creativity, woman dancing, performing artsA woman dancing.via Canva/Photos

"Lastly, [this] group identified greater appreciation for the transformational quality of creativity, in particular, how the creative process enabled a deeper engagement with the self and world. They recognised that it operated as a powerful force in their life," the researchers wrote, "So many participants in our sample have experienced poly-traumatization and yet they also embrace their passion for performance and creativity. They are embracing ways to express all that is human."

Ultimately, creativity can stem from two very different places: support or neglect. But whether it is shaped by love or loss, creativity helps propel our world forward and is a wonderful gift that helps us all better connect to the world around us. Let’s hope that as these wounded creatives share their gifts, they also find healing along the way.

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19 super-specific memories all 80s and 90s kids will recognize instantly

The sound of a dial-up modem is permanently etched into every millennial's brain.

via Seattle Municipal Archives/Flickr
Memories of childhood get lodged in the brain, emerging when you least expect.

There are certain pleasurable sights, smells, sounds and tastes that fade into the rear-view mirror as we grow from being children to adults. But on a rare occasion, we’ll come across them again and it's like a portion of our brain that’s been hidden for years expresses itself, creating a huge jolt of joy. It’s wonderful to experience this type of nostalgia but it often leaves a bittersweet feeling because we know there are countless more sensations that may never come into our consciousness again.

Nostalgia is fleeting and that's a good thing because it’s best not to live in the past. But it does remind us that the wonderful feeling of freedom, creativity and fun from our childhood can still be experienced as we age.

A Reddit user recently posed a question to the online forum that dredged up countless memories and experiences that many had long forgotten. He asked a simple question, “What’s something you can bring up right now to unlock some childhood nostalgia for the rest of us?”

It was a call for people to tap into the collective subconscious and bond over the shared experiences of youth. The most popular responses were the specific sensory experiences of childhood as well as memories of pop culture and businesses that are long gone.

Ready to take a trip down memory lane? Don’t stay too long, but it’s great to consider why these experiences are so memorable and still muster up warm feelings to this day. Fascinatingly, many of these things no longer or exist, or wouldn't be allowed to exist. They're a brief snapshot representing a short moment in time. They're gone and we can never get them back. But small as they are, it feels good to remember them again.

Here are 19 of the best responses.

1. Scented erasers

"An eraser that looks and smells like a very fake strawberry." — zazzlekdazzle

2. TV static

"Remember the warm, fuzzy static left on your tv screen after it was on for a while. A lot of you crazy kids WEAPONIZED the static to shock your siblings!" — JK_NC

1980s kids, 1980s nostalgia, 1990s nostalgia, nostalgia, kids, millennials, gen x, 90s, 80sWho doesn't love the soothing sound of TV static?Giphy

3. Saturday morning cartoons

"Waking up super early on Saturday morning before the rest of the family to watch cartoons." — helltothenoyo

4. VHS tapes

"When you'd watch a vhs and it would say 'and now your feature presentation.'" — Mickthemmouse

1980s kids, 1980s nostalgia, 1990s nostalgia, nostalgia, kids, millennials, gen x, 90s, 80s"And now for your feature presentation."Giphy

5. Freezy pops

"Eating one of those plastic-wrapped ice pop things after a long day of playing outside in your backyard with your friends." — onyourleft___

6. Everyone's favorite day at school

"Scholastic book fairs." — zazzlekdazzle

"The distinctive newspaper-y feel of those catalogues, the smell of them. Heaven. I would agonize over what books to get, lying on my living room floor, circling my options in different colored gel pens, narrowing it down to 2-4 from a dozen in an intense battle royale between slightly blurry one-line summaries. I know my mom's secret now. She would've bought me the whole damn catalogue. But she made me make my choices so that I really valued the books. I'd read them all immediately, reading all night if I had to, hiding in a tent under my covers with a flashlight I stole from the kitchen. I thought I was getting away with something. As an adult, I notice, now, that the flashlight never ran out of batteries." — IAlbatross

7. Everyone's favorite weekday TV show

"Watching 'The Price Is Right' when you were sick at home." — mayhemy11

1980s kids, 1980s nostalgia, 1990s nostalgia, nostalgia, kids, millennials, gen x, 90s, 80sA young Aaron Paul once appeared on The Price is RightGiphy

8. Summer vacation

"That feeling of limitless freedom on the first day of summer vacation. That feeling of dreaded anticipation on the last day of summer vacation." —_my_poor_brain_

9. The old video store

"Blockbuster." — justabll71

1980s kids, 1980s nostalgia, 1990s nostalgia, nostalgia, kids, millennials, gen x, 90s, 80sBlockbuster Video, where everyone hung out on Friday nightGiphy

10. The worst best noise in the world

"The noise when picking up the phone when someone was surfing the web." — OhAce

11. The TV Guide channel

"The TV Guide channel. You had to sit through and watch as the channels slowly went by so we could see what was on. It blew getting distracted by the infomercial in the corner and then realizing you barely just missed what you were waiting for so had to wait for it to start all over." — GroundbreakingOil

1980s kids, 1980s nostalgia, 1990s nostalgia, nostalgia, kids, millennials, gen x, 90s, 80sBefore this version of the TV guide you had to wait for the options to cycle throughGiphy

12. The one and only Lite Brite!

"Light Bright [sic]. I barely remember it myself but you’d take a charcoal-black board and poke different colored pegs through it. You plug it in to the electrical outlet and all the pegs light up creating whatever shape you made in lights." — 90sTrapperKeeper

1980s kids, 1980s nostalgia, 1990s nostalgia, nostalgia, kids, millennials, gen x, 90s, 80sThese masterpieces were true artGiphy

13. Parachute day in gym class

"You knew it was gonna be a good day when you walk into PE class and see that huge colorful parachute." — brunettemountainlion

14. A very specific part of school recess

"Ripping handfuls of grass at recess and putting them on your friend." — boo_boo_technician

15. Anything involving Mr. T

"In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem if no one else can help, and if you can find them....maybe you can hire The A-Team." — Azuras_Star8

1980s kids, 1980s nostalgia, 1990s nostalgia, nostalgia, kids, millennials, gen x, 90s, 80sI pity the fool!Giphy

16. Watching the best human being who's ever lived

"Watching 'Mister Rogers' Neighborhood.' There was something so special about the intro where he would sing Won't You Be My Neighbor while he changed his jacket and shoes. I loved every second of it, and would watch in utter content and fascination each time as if I'd never before seen him zip his cardigan up and back down to the right spot and change his shoes with the little toss of a shoe from one hand to the other." — Avendashar

17. The surefire way to fix any video game

"Somewhere between blowing on some cartridges and pressing the cartridge down and up in the NES to get it to play." — autovices

18. Reckless behavior on the swingset

"That feeling when you are going as high as you can go on the swings. Power? Freedom? Hard to describe." — zazzlekadazzle

1980s kids, 1980s nostalgia, 1990s nostalgia, nostalgia, kids, millennials, gen x, 90s, 80sAll 90s kids have either kicked their shoes off on the swing or jumped off at its peakGiphy

19. When toy guns were a thing

"Cap guns. But smashing the entire roll of caps at once with a hammer." — SoulKahn90

The 80s and 90s were really a special time. Right on the cusp of major technological breakthroughs, but before the Internet and smartphones had taken over every day life. Things were modern but simple. Of course, every generation can't help but crave "the way things used to be." Kids today will one day look back at the quaintness of TikTok, or they'll fondly remember a world before everything was AI generated.

There's nothing wrong with taking a brief look back every once in a while and soaking the nostalgia in. Just remember to keep looking forward, as well.

This article originally appeared three years ago. It has been updated.

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Stay-at-home mom shares the frustrating thing it took 8 years to learn about her role

"What’s a safe and secure childhood worth? Nothing technically, but also the entire world."

via EclecticHomeSchooling/TikTok (used with permission)

Syd explains one of the most frustrating parts of being a stay-at-home-mom.

There are many ways for people with careers to feel validated. You can get a raise, a promotion, a great review from your manager, or a professional award. You can also be someone respected in your profession and a mentor to younger people entering your field. These forms of validation help someone feel valuable and accomplished and are all tangible in some way. You can say, "I’m now the vice president of manufacturing," "I won the Excellence in Sales Award," or "I have a larger number on my paycheck."

Syd, a stay-at-home mom named @eclectichomeschooling on TikTok, shared that, unfortunately, moms who work in the home have a hard time finding that same feeling of validation.

stay-at-home mom, motherhoodHow do you measure success as a stay-at-home mom?Giphy

“Something that I think that a lot of people don’t realize about being a stay-at-home mom, whether you are a homeschool mom or your kids are young and you’re staying home with them during those years, is that there’s no measurement of success. There’s no metric,” she begins her video.

“There’s no one saying, ‘Congratulations, you have been promoted; you are the top of the top of this skill.’ None of that,” she continued. There is no award for an outstanding stay-at-home mom, and there is no manager to give her a review or promotion.

She says that being a good mother to her kids “feels good” and “makes us happy” but argues that it isn’t something you can “hold” or “write down.”

@eclectichomeschooling

Visit TikTok to discover videos!


“We’re going on eight years of not being able to measure [success],” she continued. “I think that that’s a thing that nobody really talks about or that we don’t really get to talk about with each other. Your partner goes to work: they get promoted, they get raises, they complete their work for the day and they ... get to be like, ‘OK, I succeeded.’ But my [work] is just constant, all of the time, and there’s no metric for it.”

The dishes that Syd cleans will be dirty the next day. The laundry she folds on Monday will be worn on Tuesday and rewashed on Friday.

motherhood, homemaking, stay-at-home mom, laundryWork done in the home is never "done" and often goes unrecognized. Photo credit: Canva

Although Syd has yet to find a solution to this problem, she sees other ways to get the validation she craves. “It’s hard, especially because a lot of us don’t prioritize hobbies for ourselves. That’s a great place for us to find success or a feeling of accomplishment,” she said.

Syd’s video struck a chord with many stay-at-home mothers feeling the same way.

A commenter named Leigh noted that the need for external validation comes from the corporate culture in which Americans are raised. “On my best days, it is interesting to notice how tied we are to corporate-style success. On my worst, it is inescapably crushing,” she wrote in the most popular comment.

“It's the neverending loops that are never complete. We never get the satisfaction of a ‘job well done’ because nothing is ever really done,” Hazel added. “Once I started focusing on my own happiness, it got better.”

According to Love, the lack of praise for a job well done also means that it’s easy to be criticized. “When you’re doing everything right, there’s no praise, etc., but if you do anything wrong or are not perfect, then the issue gets thrown in your face in every way. So you end up feeling like a failure,” she wrote.

Syd told Upworthy that her followers have tried to help her recontextualize her feelings of worth. “Since the video, I’ve had a lot of conversations with moms about how we measure worth by being very wrapped up in productivity through a capitalist lens. It can be tough to divest from that, but it is also so important. Like, what’s a safe and secure childhood worth? Nothing technically, but also the entire world. We do that!” she told Upworthy.

motherhood, stay-at-home mom Validation comes in different ways for stay-at-home moms.Photo credit: Canva

She adds that a few of her followers suggested she should take up martial arts as a hobby. “I’m still pondering that one,” she told Upworthy.

Ultimately, Syd’s realization could have caused her to feel down about herself or resign to a never-ending feeling of being unfulfilled. However, she’s seen it as an opportunity to reevaluate her sense of self-worth and possibly as a reason to branch off into new and exciting hobbies outside her family.

This article originally appeared last year.

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