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A man and woman chatting over some wine.
A lot of people are uncomfortable making small talk, but it’s an essential skill that can make or break your love life, career, and social experiences. Many people believe that being good at chatting with others is something innate, but those who excel at it work at their craft and pick up small tips along the way to become better communicators.
One of the tricks that all great communicators know is that you will be more likable when you're more interested than interesting. Study after study shows that people love talking about themselves, and if you ask people more questions, they will like you a lot more than if you did all the talking. So, how do we do this without creating a one-sided conversation where your conversation partner learns nothing about you? The folks at the Science of People have shared the statement-plus question technique.
The statement-plus technique
“One of the smoothest ways to keep conversation flowing is to share a brief personal statement followed by a question,” the Science of People writes. “This technique accomplishes two things: it gives the other person information about you (making you seem more approachable and interesting) while also redirecting focus to them.”
Coworkers having a nice conversation.via Canva/Photos
Here are some examples:
Instead of asking “What do you do for work?” say:
“I’m a writer for Upworthy, and I enjoy seeing my work read by millions of people. What excites you about your job?”
Instead of asking, “Where do you live?” try:
“I live in Long Beach, California, and it’s really nice living by the ocean. What do you love the most about where you live?”
Instead of asking, “How do you know the person who threw the party?” say:
“I met Sarah at a church meeting seven years ago. Do you remember the first time you met her?”
These questions enable you to discuss yourself while maintaining the focus on the other person. They are also open-ended, so you don’t just get a one-word answer. You learn their job and what excites them about it. You know where they live, and they get to brag about what they like about the city. The technique also broadens the conversation because, according to the psychological phenomenon known as reciprocal self-disclosure, people are more likely to disclose things about themselves after you share something about yourself.
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What is reciprocal self-disclosure?
“The most likely result of your self-disclosure is that other people will do the same. In the field of communication, we refer to this as 'reciprocity.' When you share information about yourself, the most likely result is that people will start to disclose a similar type of information from their own lives," communication coach Alexander Lyon says. "In our presentations, we talk about this as a magic wand. Disclosure is the closest thing we have to a magic wand in terms of a concept in communication. When you disclose, other people almost automatically reciprocate."
Ultimately, people love to talk about themselves, and if you give them the opportunity, they will like you more for it. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t reveal some aspects of yourself at the same time while keeping the focus on them. The statement-plus question technique allows you to reveal some things about yourself while making the other person feel seen and comfortable telling you more about themselves. It’s sure to elevate your small talk to something more substantial in a relaxed way that doesn’t feel like an interview.
This article originally appeared last year.
Yo-Yo Ma played for Presidents Kennedy and Eisenhower at age 7.
Yo-Yo Ma is one of the most well-known professional cellists in the world, but many may not know that his fame began in his early childhood. When he was only seven years old, he was invited along with his 11-year-old sister to play live for sitting President John F. Kennedy and former President Dwight D. Eisenhower at "An American Pageant of the Arts" in 1962.
The purpose of the event was to raise funds for the National Cultural Center, which was started under Eisenhower's administration and encouraged under Kennedy's presidency. But what stands out in a resurfaced video of the event is the beautiful way composer Leonard Bernstein introduced the Mas.
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Bernstein referenced the way art flowed in and out of America and how art has "long been the attraction of our country to foreign artists and scientists and thinkers, who have come not only to visit us but often to join us as Americans to become citizens of what to some has historically been the land of opportunity, and to others, the land of freedom."
"And in this great tradition," he continued, "there has come to us this year a young man aged seven, bearing the name Yo-Yo Ma. Yo-Yo came to our attention through the great master, Pablo Casals, who had recently heard the boy play the cello. Yo-Yo is, as you may have guessed, Chinese, and has lived up to now in France, a highly international type. But he and his family are now here. His father is teaching school in New York. And his 11-year-old sister, Yeou-Cheng Ma, is pursuing her musical studies, and they are all hoping to become American citizens."
After announcing that the duo would be playing the first movement of "Concertino No. 3 in A major" by Jean-Baptiste Breval, who composed for the cello 150 years ago in France, Bernstein added:
"Now here is a cultural image for you to ponder as you listen: a 7-year-old Chinese cellist playing old French music for his new American compatriots."
What a beautiful celebration of immigration and art, and all the more moving that they performed for two presidents who showed nothing but respect for one another in a cultural arts center that would become a "living memorial" to President Kennedy after his assassination.
Cellist Yo-Yo Ma performing with the Los Angeles Philharmonic in 1988Jose Galvez, Los Angeles Times/Wikimedia Commons
Now Yo-Yo Ma is 70 years old and still inspiring audiences around the world with his cello playing. His sister, Dr. Yeou-Cheng Ma, has also continued her musical legacy in addition to becoming a Harvard University-trained pediatrician. Dr. Ma heads up the Children’s Orchestra Society (COS), a non-profit music program for children in New York City, started by her father the same year the Mas performed for JFK.
Yo-Yo Ma was recently a guest on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, and his interview showcased the joy and compassion for which he is known in addition to his musical talents.
- YouTube www.youtube.com
People loved seeing Ma's reflections on the world and his words gave a dose of hope:
"A slight renewal in my faith in humanity which has taken a beating. I love this man."
"Yo Yo is a humanitarian, animal lover and planet saver. Great soul!"
"Saw him first on Mr Rogers. He was as delightful then as he is now. A beautiful human."
"Given the state of the current world, I’m reminded of this quote: “There are times that Yo Yo Ma has shown up, performed, and healed nations.” We can do it! Hope - out of the dark time!"
Watch 70-year-old Yo-Yo Ma play Bach Prelude from the 1st Cello Suite and "Over the Rainbow":
- YouTube www.youtube.com
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