Culture

Family

Nature

Science

Subscribe

If the holidays are hard for you, doing these 4 things could really help.

I’m at a Christmas party. The people are gracious, the food is scrumptious, the wine is fantastic, and so is the music. But I’m miserable. Why? Because in my mind, this is what’s playing in a loop: You should be happy. You should be grateful. You should be thankful. Should be. For many folks, the…

By

Tim Lawrence

I’m at a Christmas party. The people are gracious, the food is scrumptious, the wine is fantastic, and so is the music.

But I’m miserable. Why?

Because in my mind, this is what’s playing in a loop: You should be happy. You should be grateful. You should be thankful.

Should be. For many folks, the holidays are a beautiful time of year. A time of rest, connection with loved ones, and celebration. But let’s be real: that doesn’t mean it’s all mistletoe and cheer.

Image via iStock.

The holidays can also be a time of grief, family tensions, loneliness, and facing our own imperfections.

For me, the holidays are brutal because my brother and several friends died this time of year. Since this is traditionally a time of remembrance, I find it doubly hard to bring my heart into the present. Even though I’m surrounded by people at this Christmas party, I feel lonely. Worse: I feel like it’s not OK to have these feelings.

Image by Tarang hirani/Flickr.

I know I’m not the only one.

One of my close friends was abandoned by her husband in December, and she’s reminded of his betrayal every time the holidays roll around. She actually loves Christmas, but that pain is always awakened in the holiday season.

Even if you haven’t experienced a major loss, we’re all hit with a set of assumptions and expectations this time of year. That we should black out our calendars for holiday events with people we may not be all that excited to see. That we should be available to participate in activities that can be really draining. That we should spend money. Lots of money. And, all the while, that we should be full of joy.

Image by jpellgen/Flickr.

So what if you’re not? What if, like my friend, you’re feeling lonely and hurt? What if, like me, you’re aching in grief as you remember the loss of someone beloved?

If this is a difficult time of year for you, understand that you’re not alone. The holidays are in no position to create a happy ending where none exists.

Which is why I want to offer these four suggestions to those who need them:

1. Turn off the Christmas carols if you’re not in the mood, and don’t go to that party if you don’t want to.

Because you don’t have to get into the holiday spirit. You don’t have to feel the way others tell you to feel. You only need to care for yourself and offer yourself to others as best you can.

Image by Tom Lin/Flickr.

The fact is, trying to repress your true feelings and appear cheery and grateful when you’re actually suffering doesn’t really work. Psychologist Iris Mauss conducted a series of studies in which she found that the more value people placed on feeling happy, the less happy and more lonely they were likely to be. Research also shows that focusing on attaining happiness by fulfilling materialistic desires — a holiday pastime — can increase the risk of depression, can decrease the quality of relationships, and can mean less happiness in the long run.

Go ahead and feel what you need to feel. It’s better for you.

2. If you’re grieving, understand that the pain associated with it is perfectly natural.

Grieving hurts so vividly because it’s a wail of aching love, repeated to infinity. In this wailing is an opportunity to acknowledge our losses and remember those who have been taken from us. It’s also an invitation to stand in solidarity with those who have experienced similar pain, without shame.

Image by Melvin E/Flickr.

3. If the season is making you feel lonely, give yourself permission to be brave enough to reach out to someone.

You might be embarrassed and feel the desire to self-isolate. The tendency to hide can explode amid the holidays because there’s so much pressure to appear “perfect.” We’re brought face-to-face with our imperfections, and this couldn’t be more true than with our relationships. Many people have strained or disconnected relationships with their families. Others find that, as the holidays approach, many of their friends aren’t really there for them.

Reach out so someone who can be there for you. Just one person. That friend who seems to get you even though you rarely see her? Give her a call. That teacher who stood by your side when your world was falling apart? Reach out to him.

4. If there isn’t a specific person you want to reach out to, don’t be afraid to choose to be alone with intention.

Spending time in silence can actually cultivate confidence. It can allow you to observe your emotions more objectively and teach you the value of learning to enjoy your own company, instead of buying into the assumption that there’s something inherently wrong with spending time alone.

Step into nature and allow it to inform you. Journal your wounds onto the page. It can be hard, I know. But if you choose to stand in your brokenness, it will begin to lose some of its power over you.

Image by Ryan Blanding/Flickr.

None of these activities will make your pain go away, but they will ensure you have the space you need to grieve safely and in a spirit of love.

If we’d just allow ourselves to be brave enough to express how we’re really feeling, this season could be a time for authentic connection and healing.

This brings me back to that Christmas party: I remember seeing a friend of mine in the corner, nursing a drink, looking terribly uncomfortable. Her eyes conveyed a deep pain she was clearly trying to mask. I could have approached her and acknowledged her. I could have offered her my presence by standing with her in silence. But I didn’t. At the time, I was too self-absorbed and nervous.

If I could do it again, I’d tell her exactly what I’d be much more confident in saying now: the truth.

I’d tell her I hated being at the party, and that every day in the Christmas season is profoundly painful for me. I wouldn’t try to make her feel great by pretending to feel great.

I’d try to make her feel loved by being vulnerable. By feeling what I need to feel and being who I can’t help but be. And you can, too.

Add to Google News

Tags

More for You

  • Newlywed couple has their families compete to see who takes their partner’s last name
    Photo credit: Canva – Newlywed couple flips the script on last names by having their families compete
    ,

    Newlywed couple has their families compete to see who takes their partner’s last name

    “This should’ve been televised.”

    Jacalyn Wetzel

    A woman taking her husband’s last name is no longer a given. Couples have been mixing things up for a while now, but one couple decided to turn old and new norms on their heads. Instead of the new husband and wife arguing over why one of them should relinquish their surname, they decided to let the “best family” win.

    Women have been expected to give up their family’s last name for their husband’s for hundreds of years. This goes back to when women were considered property transferred from a father to a husband. While the thought of women being considered property stopped with women’s rights movements, the tradition of adopting a husband’s surname persists today.

    wedding, surnames, last names, battle of the surname
    Bride and groom
    Photo Credit: Canva

    Why women changed surnames

    The practice originated in 14th-century England and was part of “coverture,” which transferred nearly all of a woman’s assets to her new husband, according to Cambridge University. Taking the husband’s last name wasn’t required, but it was widely practiced and spread to other Western countries. In recent years, women have been choosing to hyphenate or retain their birth surname. But one cheeky couple decided to throw all the norms out of the window in favor of a more inclusive process that involved everyone.

    Brett Borland and Gorgie Abela recently tied the knot in front of their loved ones. When the time came for reception activities, Borland got on the mic to announce that their families would be competing in a “Battle of the Surname.”

    wedding, surnames, last names, battle of the surname
    Guests at an outside wedding
    Photo Credit: Canva

    Battle of the Surname

    “What we’ve decided is that neither one of our names is going to disappear,” Borland says. “So what we’re going to do is that we’ve organized some games where we’re going to battle the families out against each other, and the winning family, we will be taking the last name of them.”

    That’s right. If Abela’s family wins, then she keeps her name and Borland changes his, and vice versa. In the video uploaded to Instagram, the families (still dressed in their formal attire), played tug of war, potato sack races, and more. By the end of the activities, the scorekeeper announces the couple’s new last name–Mr. and Mrs. Borland.

    It seemed that the Borland family had a ringer. While everyone was playing in sock feet and fancy clothes, one participant was sporting sneakers, shorts, and a t-shirt. Some could argue that it gave them an advantage, though it was only beneficial in the game of tug-of-war, not the booty-shaking ping-pong balls out of a tissue box game.

    Viewers of the unique surname wedding competition were thoroughly amused, with one saying, “This should’ve been televised.”

    One person takes notes, “When dressing for a wedding, pick dress that I could play field games in. GOT IT!”

    wedding, surnames, last names, battle of the surname
    People playing tug of war outside
    Photo Credit: Canva

    Another quips, “Imagine losing your last name bc your cousins got too day drunk to win field day games.”

    “Planning this while knowing they’d all be in wedding attire is diabolical,” someone else notes.

    “This is actually the best thing we’ve ever seen at a wedding reception ever,” one wedding attendant says.

    Someone else writes, “The modern human version of natural selection, only the (last name) of the strong will survive.”

    One person jokes, “Imagine having your wifes last name because your sister wore a skirt and couldnt potato sack right lol.”

    Keep Reading →
  • Daughter surprises her dad with ‘prized possession’ he sold 30 years ago to help the family
    Photo credit: @lindseyswagmom/TikTok – This daughter knew exactly what to get her dad for Secret Santa
    ,

    Daughter surprises her dad with ‘prized possession’ he sold 30 years ago to help the family

    The moment he realizes what the gift is.

    Heather Wake

    Upworthy Staff

    Many people dream of somehow being able to repay their parents for the sacrifices made for them during childhood. Whether that’s something physical, like paying off their mortgage, or simply being the best version of ourselves to make them absolutely proud. For Lindsey Moore, it was finding a “prized possession” her dad once gave up to help the family, and returning it to him once again. Moore still vividly remembers being only seven years old when she saw her father walk into a comic book store to sell a Dan Marino rookie football card from his first season with the Miami Dolphins.

    In a TikTok that went absolutely viral in 2023, Moore’s father is seen reliving this memory as he holds onto a Christmas bag and a family member reads a card out loud.

    “Money was tight, so you were selling your most prized possession, at least I viewed it as that,” Moore wrote. “I felt your sacrifice and it taught me that I would do whatever necessary to ensure my future family never needed anything. It was a lesson that has stuck with me since that moment.”

    She made herself a promise that day

    It was also the moment she became “determined” to pay her father back. More than thirty years later, she has drawn her father’s name for Secret Santa. It was the perfect opportunity to fulfill that promise.

    “I will never be able to fully repay that debt,” her note continued. “Seven-year-old me would be so elated to see that I finally fulfilled that promise I made to myself. Thank you for everything.”

    As he listened, Moore’s dad began tearing up. Sure enough, he opened his gift to see it was the cherished card he sold all those years ago.

    The video concludes as Moore and her father enjoy a warm embrace.

     

    For those wondering about the card’s value: a 1984 Topps Dan Marino rookie card in mint condition can fetch as much as $30,000. The sweet exchange certainly struck a chord online.

    The internet completely lost it

    The sweet exchange certainly struck a chord online.

    “When he started crying I LOST IT,” one person wrote.

    Another added, “Something about bringing a grown man to tears always gets me.”

    A few parents shared their own stories of sacrificing prized possessions:

    “As someone who has sold his prized Gretzky rookie to provide for his kids, I appreciate and respect this a lot,” commented one person.

    “Just had to sell my signature MacKinnon jersey to pay bills. Sucked so much but kid comes first,” echoed another.

    On the flip side, some shared their one experience of getting to repay their parents. One wrote:

    “I got to do this for my mom last year. She won a [Dolce & Gabbana] purse one year at work and sold it to buy my prom dress and never thought twice. She never [got] name brand anything. So this year I took her to get her very first name brand fancy hand bag or her picking, my treat.”

    But perhaps the best comment belonged to this person, who astutely pointed out: “The card wasn’t the real gift to him. It was hearing his impact on you. Priceless.”

    Moore shared another video showing a close up of the Christmas card for viewers to read, as well as the prized football card in question.

    There are so many ways to say thank you

    We might not all get to reclaim what our parents sacrificed, and that’s okay. There are so many ways to share just how much of a positive impact they made on our lives. Even saying how much we appreciate them can be an invaluable reward. When all is said and done, letting our parents know how much they mean to us and how much their sacrifices matter to us is the best gift of all.

    This article originally appeared three years ago. It has been updated.

    Keep Reading →
  • Mother with Alzheimer’s who lost her speech harmonizes with daughter in beautiful videos
    Photo credit: Ester Wiesnerova, Canva – Ester and her mother Marina sing in the car.
    ,

    Mother with Alzheimer’s who lost her speech harmonizes with daughter in beautiful videos

    “Music is how I communicate with my mom these days. I’ve never been more grateful for it.”

    Cecily Knobler

    Like for many of us, having connected moments with her mother are timeless and special for musician Ester Wiesnerova. She’s incredibly vulnerable about her mom (whose real name is Maria but is mostly referred to as Marina) and her Alzheimer’s diagnosis. The disease moves bit by bit, fading her memory and ability to find words. But in a silver-lined twist, Wiesnerova found that she and mother are still able to bond through music.

    In clips making the rounds on social media, Wiesnerova shares moments where she is able to harmonize with her mom through various songs. At the top of one of her videos, she notes, “The power of music is incredible.” One look at these clips, and it’s clear that’s true.

    In an Instagram Reel posted on Mother’s Day, we see the pair joyfully singing in a car. The chyron across the clip reads, “Alzheimer’s took her words. But she still sings a full chorus – by heart in her second language in harmony with me.” As they lean in, each with sunglasses atop their heads, they smile while crooning “Guantanamera” in Spanish. (The song, with lyrics by Cuban poet José Martí, is a patriotic folk tune celebrating the “people.”)

    Wiesnerova comments, “Music is how I communicate with my mom these days. I’ve never been more grateful for it.” So many in the comment section agree, with one even claiming, “This is the most beautiful video ever.” Another notes how Marina seems lit up by the music: “Her eyes are sparkling.”

    In a second Instagram clip marked “Part 2,” Wiesnerova ups the ante. The chyron reads, “Alzheimer’s took my mom’s words. But she still sings. In harmony. In a foreign language.” This time the two sing the traditional Hebrew song “Hava Nagila.” She writes, “I’m starting a song. Will she join in?”

    After just a few seconds, a text pops up on the video: “It worked! Wait to hear her sing gorgeous harmonies. So nice to hear her voice again.” She then asks Marina if “she wants to harmonize.” Indeed, she does. Wiesnerova gives her mother the starting pitch, and once again, pure glee spreads across both of their faces. She writes, “Finding a way to connect with her and smile means so much.”

    Neuropsychology researchers continue to find the special link between dementia and music. In a piece posted to the Northwestern Medicine site, they quote neurologist Borna Bonakdarpour, MD, who they state “combines his love of music with research on how musical intervention affects the brain of people with dementia.”

    Bonakdarpour shares, “When we use musical intervention, we’re looking for areas and networks in the brain that are intact to serve as bridges and help the areas that are not working well. Singing, for example, can be a bridge to communicating better through language. The rhythmic nature of music can help people walk better.”

    This can be equally beneficial for caregivers and family members. He states, “People with Alzheimer’s may come alive again when they hear music. Some start dancing alone or with their caregivers, which is a very big deal. Caregivers find the person lost to them in the context of music.”

    Anna Maria Matziorinis and Stefan Koelsch of the Department of Biological and Medical Psychology, University of Bergen in Bergen, Norway, co-authored a 2022 study entitled, “The Promise of Music Therapy for Alzheimer’s Disease.” In it, they also note how important music can be for these patients, writing, “Musical memory is partially spared in patients with AD, despite severe deficits in episodic (and partly semantic) memory. AD patients can learn new songs, encode novel verbal information, and react emotionally to music.”

    Upworthy had the chance to chat with Wiesnerova about the lovely bond she maintains with her mom. She shares that it was in early 2023 when she got her diagnosis. “Singing and playing the piano together is something that was always very natural for us—that’s what we did together. She was a piano teacher and songwriter her whole life, I’m a singer and composer. When she got diagnosed, we just kept doing what we always did together. First she would play and I would sing.”

    music therapy, music, Ester Wiesnerova, Marina Wiesnerova
    Marina Wiesnerova and sunflowers. Photo Credit: Ester Wiesnerova

    She explained that even as Marina’s ability to speak was fading, she still maintains the power of music. “Even as her capacity to speak and understand language was going down, her musical abilities very much stayed. She even responds to verbal cues as long as they’re music-related. Like if I say, sing quieter, articulate more, or harmonize with me, she usually does it. But then if I ask her where she is right now or what my name is, she doesn’t respond. It’s fascinating.”

    As for their relationship, they’ve always been close. “My whole life we’ve been very close—true best friends. We shared everything. She was also the only person in my family who encouraged my music career. Slowly losing her to the illness has been very difficult, as I was slowly adjusting to this new version of her and learning to love who she is now. And learning to find my ground when the person who grounded me is slowly disappearing. I am writing an album about this process to be released next year.”

    Keep Reading →
  • Man’s raw truth about why he hasn’t gotten over his mom’s death hits home: ‘I don’t want to.’
    Photo credit: Canva – A man lying in bed in a state of grief.
    ,

    Man’s raw truth about why he hasn’t gotten over his mom’s death hits home: ‘I don’t want to.’

    His mother raised him alone on a secretary’s salary.

    Annie Reneau

    Losing a loved one is arguably one of the hardest human experiences, but also one of the most universal. Few of us will go through life untouched by grief, but some losses hit harder than others, even when we know they are coming. For instance, most people expect their parents will die before they do, but that doesn’t make the loss any easier when it happens.

    One man’s raw embrace of grief after losing his mother is resonating with people everywhere.

    “You said you’re a middle-aged man who hasn’t gotten over the loss of his mother,” Steven Bartlett, host of The Diary of a CEO podcast, said to guest Scott Galloway, a New York University marketing professor. “Is there a way to?”

    “I don’t want to,” replied Galloway, wiping away his tears.

    Grief isn’t a bug, but a feature

    “I think the receipts for love is grief,” Galloway said. “I hope my boys feel the same way about me. It hasn’t gotten in the way of my life. It makes me be more bold with my emotions. I used to see it as a problem. I went to grief counseling. Now I see it not as a bug, but as a feature. And so what I would tell every young person is I hope they have a lot of joy in their life. I also hope they have a decent amount of grief, because that means they have people they love immensely.”

    “You can never tell your parents how much you love them too much,” he continued. “Forgive them, and…my mom died slowly, which was bad for her, but it was good for me because nothing went unsaid. I miss my mom terribly. I’m a middle-aged man who hasn’t gotten over the death of his mother. Light of my life. Raised me on her own. Secretary’s salary. Gave me confidence. Everything.”

    Do we really need to “get past” the loss of a loved one?

    Galloway’s honesty about not wanting to get over his mom’s death hit home for a lot of people. So often, grief gets treated as a problem to fix, rather than an integral part of the human experience. Counseling can help when grief interferes with someone’s daily life, of course. But the idea that we need to “get over” or “get past” the loss of a loved one doesn’t make sense for a lot of people, as evidenced by the Instagram comments:

    “Profound grief has not hindered my life. I welcome the tears. Heart forever broken but still beating.”

    “My mom passed away 10 years ago and the pain can be unbearable. This is a beautiful way to frame this as ‘Receipts for love is Grief’ 🥹 I needed to hear this 🙏🏾 Thanks for sharing Scott.”

    “Lost my mum 3 years ago and miss her everyday – the reason the way I am is because of her and I can never thank her enough – single mother warrior queen. ❤️”

    “Exactly what I say when people tell me I need to get over losing my mom 🥹❤️ thank you.”

    grief, loss, grave
    Grief can last a lifetime. Photo credit: Canva

    “I’ve never ever gotten over my mother passing nor will I ever and I am pleased to watch this video as I know I’m not alone. 💔”

    “We need more of this type of conversation – BE BOLD WITH YOUR EMOTIONS! ♥️ People run away and hide from grief, pain and the uncomfortable – grief really is the receipts for LOVE ❤️ Grief doesn’t need fixing, just honour 🤍”

    “I wonder at what point did humanity veer so off course that we started seeing grief as a problem. Thank you for this conversation! Grief is here because love was here first! ❤️”

    “Grief is healthy. And we’re not supposed to ‘get over’ the loss of loved ones, in my opinion, we learn to love them and honor them differently.”

    “This is exactly how I feel about my dad. What a beautiful way of looking at grief.”

    Grief is evidence of love, and in Galloway’s case, the evidence clearly speaks for itself. What a beautiful tribute to his mother and a relatable approach to processing a profound loss.

    Keep Reading →
  • Mom draws all over her toilet to teach her kids a lesson on cleanliness
    Photo credit: via Canva and Tod Perry – A confused child and a toilet with artwork.
    ,

    Mom draws all over her toilet to teach her kids a lesson on cleanliness

    It may seem a little odd, but it’s pretty brilliant.

    Tod Perry

    Teaching kids how to clean up after themselves is one of the hardest things to do as a parent…mainly because it’s difficult to make taking out the trash or washing the dishes exciting.

    Jayne Ann Osborne, the creator behind MommingonPurpose, deserves love from parents everywhere because she took an incredibly icky chore, cleaning the toilet, and turned it into an activity her kids enjoyed. “Ready to teach your kids how to level up their toilet cleaning skills? You’re just a dry-erase marker game away!” Osborne opens her video.

    To teach her kids how to clean the toilet, Osborne first disinfected it herself, so her young kids wouldn’t be exposed to any germs. Then, she drew all over it with a dry-erase marker that wipes off easily with a wet rag. She told her kids that all the marks on the toilet were germs and that they all had to be wiped away. 

    Mom has a fun way of teaching her kids to clean the toilet

    “By scrubbing the dry-erase marker off, they are learning all the nooks and crannies of the toilet in a way that is fun, challenging, and memorable. Without the ick,” she captions the video.

    The dry-erase marker game works well because it teaches multiple lessons. Firstly, there are many hidden spots on a toilet that need cleaning and may not be noticed at first glance. Secondly, a toilet should be thoroughly cleaned because germs have many places to hide. After the job was complete, she gave her kids a prize depending on how well they wiped away all the evil germs.

    germs, bacteria, cleanliness, disease, microscopic bacteria
    Microscopic bacteria. Credit: TrueCreatives/Canva

    Be careful when drawing on the lid

    Osborne does have a big note for everyone who tries this at home: “Keep a little isopropyl alcohol handy in case the dry-erase marker scribbles leave anything behind.”

    Editor’s note: I tried this on my own toilet, and it took a little soap and water to get the dry-erase marker off the plastic toilet lid. It doesn’t wipe down as easily as porcelain. 

    toilet, gloves, cleaning backroom, cleanser, antibacterial cleanser
    Someone cleaning a toilet. Credit: PixelShot/Canva

    Shifrah Combiths, a writer at Apartment Therapy, tried the toilet game and made sure her children understood the importance of cleaning the entire bowl. “The kids were exuberant about wiping off the marker, and we had to make sure they didn’t scrub the toilet tank lid too hard. My husband was worried it might crack! I also let them discover and wipe down all the marker lines as they found them, but I made sure after they were done, to explain to them that when cleaning a dirty toilet for real, it’s very important to start with the cleanest areas on the toilet and then work their way to the dirtiest. Of course, this only teaches them about the outside and lid of the toilet and not the bowl, but it’s still a useful lesson,” Combiths wrote.

    Combiths also had a little difficulty getting the marker off the toilet lid. “The marker wiped perfectly clean from the porcelain surfaces of the toilet, but left marks behind on the plastic lid. Osborne recommends using isopropyl alcohol if this happens, and a Magic Eraser got most of it off in our case,” she wrote.

    Osborne’s toilet-cleaning hack is a great way to teach kids how to clean one of the dirtiest and trickiest parts of the house, but she also has a great lesson for parents. With a little creativity and a sense of humor, just about anything can be made to be fun, even cleaning the toilet.

    Keep Reading →
  • Millennial mom is stunned when grandma compares parenting in the 80s to now
    "My anxiety could not have handled the 80s."
    ,

    Millennial mom is stunned when grandma compares parenting in the 80s to now

    Taylor Wolfe couldn’t believe her mom slept soundly without any kind of baby monitor.

    Heather Wake

    Upworthy Staff

    Raising kids is tough no matter what generation you fall into, but it’s hard to deny that there was something much simpler about the childrearing days of yesteryear, before the internet offered a million and one ways that parents could be, and probably are, doing it all very, very wrong.

    What’s especially fascinating is that our data and best-practices have gotten so much better over time. Parents in the 80s had no idea that crib bumpers were dangerous, just like their parents didn’t know that using whiskey as a sleep aid probably wasn’t the best idea! We know better, and yet, we’re burdened by the overwhelming amount of knowledge and potential dangers around us.

    Taylor Wolfe, a millennial mom, nails this conundrum perfectly as she asks her own mother a series of rapid-fire questions about raising her during the 80s and the stark contrast in attitudes becomes blatantly apparent.

    The conversation that hit a collective nerve

    In a clip posted on TikTok, Wolfe and her mom sit side by side on the couch and have a fascinating discussion.

    First off, Wolfe can’t comprehend how her mom survived without being able to Google everything. (Not even a parent, but I feel this.)

    “What did we have to Google?” her mom asks while shaking her head incredulously.

    “Everything! For starters, poop!” Wolfe says. “Cause you have to know if the color is an okay color, if it’s healthy!”

    “I was a nursing mom, so if the poop came out green, it was because I ate broccoli,” her mom responds.

    …Okay, fair point. But what about handy gadgets like baby monitors? How did Wolfe’s mom keep her kid alive without one?

    “I was the monitor, going in and feeling you,” she says. Wolfe asked her mom how she slept without a baby monitor and knowing for certain, at every instant, that she was safe? “We just slept” her mom deadpanned.

    Her mom’s answers are something else entirely

    Could it really be that easy? It was for Wolfe’s mom, apparently. Rather than relying on technology, she simply felt her child and adjusted accordingly.

    “If you were hot, you slept in a diaper. If you were cold, you had a blanket around you.” Done and done.

    Wolfe then got into more existential questions, asking her mom if she ever felt the stress of “only having 18 summers” with her child, and how to make the most of it.

    Without missing a beat, Wolfe’s mother says, “It’s summer, I still have you.”

    Cue the tears!

    Going by Wolfe’s mom, the 80s seems like a time with much less pressure on parents.

    From feeding her kids McDonald’s fries guilt-free to being spared the judgment of internet trolls, she just sort of did the thing without worrying so much if she was doing it correctly.

    Parents today are feeling it too

    That’s nearly impossible in today’s world, as many viewers commented.

    “Google just gives us too much information and it scares us,” one person quipped.

    Another seconded, “I swear social media has made me wayyyy more of an anxious mom.”

    “it’s almost like all the technology, and it’s advertising, leads to so much unnecessary anxiety” someone added.

    Even a professional noted: “As someone who has worked in pediatrics since the 80s, the parents are way more anxious now.”

    It’s no wonder that parents’ mental health is, collectively, in the toilet. We’re more stressed today about money, work-life balance, getting into good schools, signing up for activities that gobble up all our time… everything.

    So what can modern parents actually do?

    Experts say there are ways parents can manage the stresses of modern life, though. Reducing phone and social media use, for starters, is a good way to avoid ruminating on all the potential dangers of the world. Parents are also challenged to push themselves out of their comfort zone by allowing their child more freedom and independence than they’d normally be comfortable with. For example, letting your kids walk to school or go buy something from a store without your help.

    I don’t think anyone truly wants to go back in time, per se. But many of us are yearning to bring more of this bygone mindset into the modern day. And the big takeaway here: No matter how many improvements we make to life, if the cost is our mental state, then perhaps it’s time to swing the pendulum back a bit.

    This article originally appeared three years ago. It has been updated.

    Keep Reading →
  • Mom shares 19 gems of knowledge for her daughter’s 19th birthday
    Photo credit: Canva – A young woman blows out her birthday candles, left, and a birthday cake, right.
    ,

    Mom shares 19 gems of knowledge for her daughter’s 19th birthday

    Every young woman should hear these.

    Cecily Knobler

    A woman who uses the Instagram handle Hope with Holly often makes videos in which she imparts wisdom from her own experiences. She’s candid in her discussions about feminism, marriage, divorce, finding courage, and much more. So when her daughter turned 19, it seemed like the perfect time to share 19 pieces of advice for a better life.

    In a Reel dedicated to her daughter, she lays it all out with precision and love. Casually putting her hair in a ponytail while slicing a watermelon—and later placing strawberries on a white-frosted birthday cake—she looks straight into the camera and declares, “This is what all women should know by the time they turn 19.”

    1. You are not here to be chosen. You are here to choose.
      “And if you build your life around being picked, then you will tolerate things that you should walk away from.”

    2. Your ability to earn money will determine your freedom.
      “Love matters. But money determines if you can leave if it turns unhealthy.”

    3. Attraction is not a sign of safety.
      “Your nervous system can be drawn to chaos. It’s not a sign of safety. Know the difference.”

    4. A man’s potential is irrelevant. His patterns are everything.
      “Only patterns matter. Patterns are who he is.”

    5. Chemistry can lie. Character doesn’t.
      “Butterflies are often anxiety. And peace often feels like boredom. But it’s what lasts.”

    6. If he can’t regulate his emotions, he will regulate them through you.
      “That means control, blame, withdrawal, anger, or defensiveness. Don’t let that happen.”

    7. You cannot love someone into being healthy.
      “Love does not fix trauma. Only therapy, accountability, and effort do.”

    8. Marriage will not fix a relationship.
      “It will amplify whatever’s there, whether it’s good or bad.”

    9. Children will expose a relationship, not save it.
      “They do not bring you closer. They just expose what’s already broken…or strong.”

    10. Your standards will cost you relationships—and that’s the point.

    11. Loneliness is not an emergency.
      “Rushing to fill it is how you end up in the wrong life.”

    12. A man who wants you will pursue you with clarity.
      “If you feel confused about him, that’s your answer. Walk away.”

    13. Sex is not a currency for love.
      “Instead, it’s the byproduct of a healthy relationship—and an emotionally safe relationship.”

    14. Your body will change. Your value does not.
      “Anyone who ties your worth to your youth is not a safe person.”

    15. Pay attention to how he handles the word “no.”
      “That will tell you everything you need to know about him.”

    16. You teach people how to treat you by what you tolerate.
      “Boundaries are not words. They’re decisions. Enforce them.”

    17. Healing is your responsibility.
      “What happened to you was not your fault. But what you allow to continue is your responsibility.”

    18. Build a life that you do not need to escape from.
      “Then choose a partner who enhances it.”

    19. You are allowed to want more.
      “More respect. More peace. Settling is not maturity. It’s just fear dressed up as acceptance.”

    She adds, “Now I don’t need you to be perfect, girl. But I do need you to be powerful enough to walk away from anything that’s not perfect for you. Happy birthday, honey!”

    The comment section is filled with support, especially from people who say they wish they’d learned these lessons earlier.

    “I can only imagine how different my life would have looked had I heard this narrative by 19. Learning all this by 39. Better late than never. Thanks, mama.”

    Some are also highly focused on her decorating and baking skills: “Now let me watch this again but this time without getting highly distracted by all the layers of that awesome fruit tower.”

    And one 19-year-old was especially grateful, writing, “I turned 19 two months ago, seeing every woman wishing they heard these when they were younger, I would like thank you so much that you reached me in the right time 🙂 Happy birthday to your daughter and wishing your family the best 💛”


    Keep Reading →
  • Nutrition expert demonstrates foolproof method to get her picky kids to ‘eat anything’

    Photo credit: Canva Photos

    A woman preparing meals, left, and a child eating broccoli, right.
    ,

    Nutrition expert demonstrates foolproof method to get her picky kids to ‘eat anything’

    Picky eating is often all about independence.

    Evan Porter

    Picky eaters are a huge challenge for many parents, even though it’s considered a normal developmental stage. Harvard Health Publishing writes that young children being picky about food is one way they learn to assert their independence, for example.

    Even though it’s extremely common and normal, experts also recommend that parents start early to break picky eating habits; once those habits get locked into place, they’re even tougher to break. Which is just one more thing for overloaded parents to worry about when planning meals is already difficult enough.

    One well-qualified mom demonstrates her thoughtful technique for getting picky eaters to “eat anything”

    Fitness coach Mel Avan, who has taught university-level health, wellness, and nutrition courses, has developed a method. It involves a lot of trial and error while raising a picky eater of her very own.

    moms, motherhood, parenting, kids, toddlers, food, picky eaters, groceries, meal planning, budgeting, family, children, picky eating hacks
    Picky eating is a challenge as old as parenting itself. Photo credit: Canva

    In a video posted to YouTube, she not only explains the technique, but also demonstrates it in real time as she attempts to feed her skeptical son a noodle.

    It starts with creating a little scarcity. She’s not overly animated about it, but she subtly creates the mystique that the pasta is something of a treat. “Come try this,” she says. “You can only have one piece.”

    Then, she stays completely neutral. She doesn’t hype up how good it is or rave about how healthy it might be. Her son says it looks like a noodle. She agrees stoically. “It is a noodle.”

    Then she, in her words, shuts up. “I let him lead the interaction. I ask questions, but I don’t share my opinion or give praise.” Not even to applaud him for being willing to try it.

    Finally, she waits. Sure enough, a few minutes later, her son announces he’s hungry and that he “wants the pasta.”

    Mission accomplished.

    She elaborates in the caption that the entire thing hinges on decreasing pressure. A small portion lowers pressure. A neutral tone lowers pressure. A slow pace lowers pressure. And allowing the child to come to you when they want more makes it their idea to eat the food, rather than a way of appeasing you. Again, pressure.

    Mom gets challenged to repeat the demonstration under more difficult circumstances

    While the video went viral to the tune of more than a million views, and many viewers loved the technique on display, not everyone was satisfied.

    This being the Internet, it was only a matter of time before Avan got called out and challenged: A noodle? Really? Try a piece of broccoli or some spinach.

    She accepted the challenge and, in a follow-up video on Instagram, introduced a few new techniques for more challenging foods that still fit within her core philosophy.

    First, she introduces an element of choice. “Do you want me to serve your vegetables, or do you want to do it with the tongs?”

    Next, and once again, tiny portions. A heaping pile of something they’re skeptical about eating only makes the task more overwhelming.

    Then there’s one of her more unique tactics: serving food family-style. In this case, she made her son a plate with a small amount of veggies, but also offered the entire tray at the table, where he could easily grab more with a “fun utensil.” It’s a way of giving him control.

    And finally, finding even more opportunities for autonomy and control. Since picky eating is often about independence, she lets her son control things that aren’t as important, like where the ketchup goes on his plate.

    Mom, and experts, weigh in on “Eat what I made or don’t eat”

    In another follow-up video, Avan responds to comments suggesting that she was doing too much coddling and manipulating. Instead, some old-school parents favor the “Either you eat what I made, or you don’t eat” approach.

    Avan says that, in her personal experience, this approach backfired spectacularly. When kids don’t eat, not only is it unsafe and unhealthy, but you’ll also run into a host of behavior problems as they get crankier.

    At least one study has found that putting pressure on children to eat, or to eat more, can actually have the opposite effect: “Children consumed significantly more food when they were not pressured to eat and they made overwhelmingly fewer negative comments.”

    And if things aren’t going well, research cited by Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia says you shouldn’t give up: It can take eight to 15 exposures to a new food before a child will willingly accept it.

    The old-school parents of yesteryear got a lot more right than we’re often willing to give them credit for. However, our understanding of child psychology has grown by leaps and bounds, and clinically validated research can teach us a lot about how to handle challenges like picky eating. Lowering pressure instead of increasing it, and remaining neutral rather than excited or angry, is far more effective.

    But in the end, picky eating is normal for young kids, and as long as you make a solid effort, most eventually grow out of the phase.

    Keep Reading →
cs lewis, c.s. lewis, c.s. lewis wife, helen joy davidman, cs lewis grief
Skills

After the death of his wife, C.S. Lewis shared exactly how he dealt with grief

alchemist public market, sacramento, food
Culture

A Sacramento ‘food desert’ is getting a transformative, first-of-its-kind public market

george washington, president george washington, george washington quote, george washington quotes, friendship
Skills

George Washington offered wise advice on why friendships should develop like ‘a plant of slow growth’

haunted house, science, sound
Science

Scientists finally uncover why old buildings feel creepy, and it has nothing to do with haunted spirits

bowler, bowling, sports, bad sports, funny sports bloopers, bowling alley, lowest bowling score, redemption, underdog, heartwarming, never give up
Culture

15 years ago pro bowler Tom Daugherty was humiliated. He turned it into the sport’s greatest comeback story.

Get stories worth sharing delivered to your inbox.

Advertisement

Featured

All Featured Stories →
Ok boomer, gen X, Threads, Gen Z
Generations

Someone asked Gen X for their version of ‘OK Boomer.’ Here are the 8 best answers.

Cecily Knobler
golf, golfing, hobbies, male hobbies, women, marriage, marriage advice, communication, household inequity, free time, couples, relationships, love, humor
Relationships

Wife prepares tongue-in-cheek slideshow for husband who ‘just got home from golfing’

Evan Porter
deforestation, recycling, hair cut near me
Nature

Hair salons in Europe are dumping their clippings into forests and it’s miraculous

Heather Wake
dr. richard harris, pastor harris, tedx talk, kkk, racism
Identity

Former KKK Grand Wizard shares the life-changing moment when he knew he was being lied to

Tod Perry