Gretchen Rubin blew some parents' minds by saying they only need calls once a week.
If you’re a parent of a college student, you’re all-too familiar with that strange, bittersweet ache that shows up once the house gets quiet.
Yes, everything stays cleaner for longer. Yes, there’s FINALLY peace in a way you always said you wanted. And yet, in that newly found space…you feel the tug of longing.
Despite being incredibly proud that your child is out there building a life that’s truly their own, it’s impossible not to miss those small, ordinary, yet oh-so precious moments: the casual check-ins, the “what’s for dinner” texts, the sound of them coming home.
You hope that a phone call—or two, or seven—each week might help fill that void. And when those calls get fewer and farther between…torture. Pure torture.
And as it turns out, according to happiness expert and author Gretchen Rubin, that distance can actually be a healthy sign of growth for both parent and child. In fact, in a recent episode of the Laugh Lines podcast, Rubin told hosts Kim and Penn Holderness that when it comes to keeping in touch with your college-aged kids, once a week is plenty.
If hearing this left you aghast, you’re not alone. Many parents, including Kim and Penn, were shook.
“That…was a dagger,” said Penn. Meanwhile, Kim just let out a gut wrenching “AGGGGGH.”
But Rubin’s tough love advice is rooted in compassion and sound reasoning. The first few months away from home can be overwhelming. College students are balancing classes, friendships, self-discovery, and, for the first time, life without a built-in safety net. Sometimes, fewer calls aren’t a sign of disconnection. They’re merely a sign of your kid adjusting to a new life. And pretty well too, if they’re not having to call home every minute of every day.
That said, Rubin added that, “I think if you have a communicative child, that’s wonderful.”
For those times when the calls do happen, Rubin encouraged parents to “keep it positive” and avoid what she calls “interviewing for pain.’” In other words, those well-meaning questions that come from love but land a little heavy.
Examples:
“Are you still fighting with your roommate all the time?”
“Is the food still bad?”
“How's that working out with all those girls sharing one bathroom?”
Rubin explains that these kinds of questions can make kids relive the rough parts instead of focusing on what’s going right. She argues that parents can do more good by guiding the conversations towards small wins, curiosity, and joy.
It's not an empty nest. It's an open door. Photo credit: Canva
Her wisdom goes even deeper. “Sometimes parents will say, ‘I’m so sad, but they’re so happy. They’re having so much fun.’ But even that,” she said, “is a lot of pressure for a child to feel like, ‘Well, I have to be happy.’ Parents always say, ‘You’re only as happy as your least happy child,’ but I think for some children, ‘I’m only as happy as my least happy parent.’ And managing the happiness of a parent is very, very hard.”
Of course, other parents had mixed feelings about Rubin’s advice. Many admitted that they certainly did not live by that frequency.
“Once a weekkkkkkk. Hell no. I talked to my mom every day basically. I feel like that’s appropriate 😂”
“Once a week? Absolutely not. I’m in my 40’s and I talk to my mom every day.😂”
Still others brought up the fact that sometimes kids will avoid calling just when they need support the most.
“We text once a day. I require 1 FaceTime a week.. I have a son who’s 9 hours away. My first went 13 hours away and called weekly with amazing stories. I found out later when he was hospitalized due to anxiety that all his stories were lies to appease me.”
“Love Gretchen but on this I don’t agree. I’m the oldest. Someone told my mom to not call at all and wait for me to call them. Meanwhile at college, I was waiting for a call hoping someone missed me or was interested in my life at all…. I waited over 3 weeks for someone to call or ask ‘how are you?’ and it broke me…I would say it’s more important to know your child and just ask what they want or need.”
Understanding your child’s individual wants and needs is crucial, but Rubin’s essential message remains pretty universal: our kids shouldn’t have to carry the weight of our emotions while they’re figuring out their own. Letting them go doesn’t mean losing touch. It means trusting that love can hold steady across distance and time.
Whether it’s a once-a-week call, a once-a-month call, or a once-a-day call, remember that it’s more about maintaining a loving connection than about keeping tabs. It’s certainly no easy task, but kids need to know their parents are cheering them on from home, even when they’re too busy becoming themselves.
At the end of the day, parenting is an exercise in radical trust. Both of your child, and of yourself.
You can watch the full episode of the Laugh Lines podcast below:
- YouTube www.youtube.com
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