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Four concrete things that everyone can do to dismantle racism

Photo by Clay Banks

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America, we have work to do.

Whether you've been fighting against racism for years or you are just waking up to the fact that there's a battle going on, it's time for us to iron out a few key pieces of information. There are a lot of unfamiliar words and phrases being thrown around, but please don't turn to Black people to explain this stuff to you. This is literally why the internet exists.

To help remove some of the guesswork, we interviewed Dr. Katrice A. Albert, a national thought leader and expert on racial diversity and inclusion, to get her thoughts on what we can do today, right now, immediately to help us all move forward together.

After doing this work for 25 years, winning multiple awards and honors and accomplishing more professionally than most people achieve in their lifetime, at the end of the day, Dr. Albert is still a Black woman in America. And her answers to our questions combine her expertise with the perspective of her own personal experience.

Dr. Katrice A. Albert

Let's begin with the basics.

What is the difference between equity and equality?

Equality means everyone has the same access to whatever it is that you're offering. Dr. Albert uses an analogy involving a dozen candied apples. "Equality means that everyone would receive the same number of candied apples, but equity is the idea of giving people what they need. So, if I'm a diabetic I don't need a candied apple. I need something else...like a cheese stick." Systemic change requires both equality and equity, "providing people with what they need for access and success," said Dr. Albert.

Photo by James Eades

So, what exactly is systemic racism?

To put it bluntly, our country was set up to benefit white men, who have historically held positions of power and influence. Look at the wealth. Look at incarceration. Take a step back and observe our systems. Run an internet search on this topic and spend some time reading about it.

To illustrate the picture, Dr. Albert recounted a story about a Black woman who shared how she, over the course of her 20-year career in a sports organization, trained six people for a job that she was passed over for, who moved on to become her bosses. "This woman trained up six white men, and she was never able to be seen as a critical part or the smartest person in the room to do this job," said Dr. Albert. Something is wrong with this picture, don't you think?

Well...then who is responsible?

"Equity and diversity are everyone's responsibility. Every single one of us is responsible for getting us to be our very best selves as Americans," said Dr. Albert. "The onus is not on Black people to teach white people how to be."

So, what can be done about this? How can just one person make a difference? Dr. Albert breaks her answer down into four basic steps:

Manage yourself. Commit to self-awareness. Commit to educating yourself and be willing to reduce your defenses. Your ego will take a hit; accept that you're going to find out that you're wrong about things you've professed as truth. You have to be okay with sitting with some discomfort.

Manage your immediate sphere of influence. This means your household, family, spouse, friends, and children. Think about how to convey the message of "we all have to be in this together in order to dismantle racism." Encourage those around you to vote and to raise anti-racist children.

Wield your power. If you have decision-making power at your job, church, or civic organization, you have to use that power to create room for people of color. Aren't sure where to start with that? Ask yourself a few questions. Who runs things? Look around the room. Does everyone look like you? Think about what you can do to make sure that the policies and climate is such that marginalized people feel like they can win.

Exercise compassion. "People of color are exhausted, but we don't have a choice but to be compassionate for wherever our friends are right now. It's a part of their everyday work to help us get to our highest potential," said Dr. Albert. "If educating yourself is as far as you can go, great — do that. Because it will touch everyone you come in contact with." She went on to point out the importance of demonstrating compassion and grace when dealing with ourselves and others. "I have to demonstrate that I'm always going to come from a place where I'm going to assume positive intent from everyone," she said.

How can one person do all of that without some serious self-care? Dr. Albert tells Upworthy that the two things that keep her anchored are "radical self-care and radical joy,"— two things that have become increasingly more challenging during the Covid-19 pandemic.

Photo by Logan Nolin on Unsplash

"I decided to send myself flowers weekly every Monday. From me, to me," she said. "The inscription is the same every time, it's a quote from [renowned civil rights leader] Ella Baker: 'Give light and the people will find a way'."

This weekly message reminds her to press on, without fear — knowing she is called to a higher purpose. If that's not inspiring, we don't know what is.

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Family

Woman fights to give her baby a name that her husband says is 'abusive'

Some traditions just don't feel right in 2024.

via Tima Miroshnichenko/Pexels

A family fights over a baby name.

When it comes to parenting, the second most important decision—after whether to have a child or not—is choosing a name for the kid. Even though we live in times where parents are getting more and more creative about picking a name for their children, those with a more common name have a greater chance of being socially accepted than those without.

According to Psychology Today, grade-school kids with highly unusual names or names with negative associations tend to be “less popular” than those with more “desirable” names. Later in life, people with “unpopular or unattractive” names have more difficulty finding romantic partners.

A 23-year-old mother-to-be wanted to name her son Gaylord and had her family's full, passionate support, but her husband, 24, and his side of the family were firmly against the idea. The woman was looking for validation and posted about the dilemma on Reddit's AITA forum.

“In my family, our genealogy is extremely important. The firstborn son since the 1800's has been given this name. I'm well aware it's a stigmatized name today, so that's why I have agreed to using a short form,” the woman wrote.

Understanding that her son would be bullied for being called Gaylord, she decided that it would be his legal first name, but could go by Gail. Her family believed that it was acceptable for him to be known as Gail initially, but as society grows more tolerant, will be called Gaylord when he gets older.

“They see the backlash over the name today as a fad that will eventually disappear, and I agree seeing how accepting each generation tends to become,” she continued. “When society stops being so immature about it, he can start using the full name.”

The father wouldn’t even consider naming his son Gaylord, or Gail, for that matter. His family went a step further and said that naming him Gaylord or Gail would be “abusive.”

"My in-laws are telling me that even Gail isn't an acceptable boy's name and that I need to 'get with the times' and choose something more appropriate," she continued. “What happened to respecting our elders and traditions? His family doesn't have any naming traditions, so it should fall to my family that does. How could I be expected to break a centuries-old family tradition?”

The commenters were overwhelmingly against the mother’s decision.

"Use your imagination. A boy named Gaylord goes to his first day of school. The teacher does the roll call. ‘GAYLORD SMITH?’ Class breaks into giggles. Embarrassed boy says, ‘It's Gail.’ Class giggles some more, since Gail is usually a girl's name. Boy has no chance of fitting in with his classmates. His fate is sealed. He is a social pariah for life. Don't do this to him. Please,” one user wrote.

"Your name is the first thing people know about you. It’s the cover page of how people perceive you. Even if you think Gaylord will just appear on the birth certificate, you’re wrong. His legal name will have to be used on official documents, at school, on his license and passport. It will appear at the top of every resume he hands out. It’s not as simple as putting a name on paper. It’s how he is going to appear to the whole world. Gaylord is totally stigmatized and has been for decades. It’s not going away, sorry." Elinbeth added.

“Some traditions reach the point where they are no longer suitable for modern times. This is 100% that time. Pick another name," CashieBashie wrote.

After the post went viral, the mother shared that both sides of the family have tentatively agreed on a name.

“We managed to work out that Gale Gaylord would be a reasonable compromise, with Gale being the complete first name, and Gaylord being the middle name,” the woman wrote. “My husband can then add a second middle name after Gaylord if he wants. Grandpa is especially not impressed that it's being demoted to a middle name, but he did say he understands the pressure I'm facing here.”

This article originally appeared on 2.14.24

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Joy

X-rayed couples prove that love truly is blind

Love is blind, and it only takes a few creepy skeletons to prove it.

Photo from Ad Council/YouTube.

An audience watches an X-ray screen showing skeletons in love.

In this video from the Ad Council, they brilliantly use an X-ray screen to show couples as skeletons in love, but it's when they reveal the true identities of the people that they really pull at the old heartstrings.

Apparently love really is blind, and it only takes a few creepy bone people to prove it.

Watch the video below:

This article originally appeared on 03.04.15

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Family

People applauded after Mark Wahlberg confronted the DJ at his daughter's dance party

Dad to the rescue.

via TheEllenShow / YouTube

Mark Wahlberg on "The Ellen Show."

Actor Mark Wahlberg recently attended a daddy-daughter dance with his 10-year-old, Grace. Sadly, Grace had no interest in seeing her father strutting his stuff on the dance floor.

"I didn't get one dance," Wahlberg told Ellen DeGeneres. "And I told her we were going to do the whole big circle and I was going to go off. And she said, 'Dad, if you embarrass me, I will never talk to you again.' But what she did do is she hung out with me."

No matter who your dad is, especially if you're a 10-year-old-girl, you have zero desire to see him dance in front of your friends.

But the parents at the dance probably would have had a blast seeing Wahlberg bust out some of his old-school '90s Marky Mark moves.

However, Wahlberg couldn't help but leave his mark on the music being played at the dance.

Let's not forget, he didn't get famous for his acting but for showing off his abs in the "Good Vibrations" video.

Being that Wahlberg's time as a pop star was three decades ago, he couldn't believe it when he heard the music being played at the dance.

"[Grace] sat there on the edge of the stage, by the DJ. And then I'm sitting there with one other dad and I'm like, 'This is not an edited version of this song. There are explicit lyrics being played at a school dance for girls and I'm like no good,'" he said.

"I told the DJ and he's like, 'Oh, I thought it was.' I said, 'What are you doing?' I'm hearing F-bombs and this and that's not okay," Wahlberg said.

He's right. There's no place for music with explicit lyrics at a dance for 10-year-old children.

Wahlberg says the DJ didn't know he wasn't playing the edited version, but it's probably more likely that he didn't even realize the song was a problem. Pop music these days is filled with a numbing amount of violent and misogynistic lyrics.

A recent study from the University of Missouri found that nearly one-third of pop songs contain lyrics that degrade or demean women by portraying them as submissive or sexually objectified.

Currently, three of the top five songs on the Billboard Top 40 contain the word "bitch." One of them is sung in Korean.

It's odd that Americans have become more sensitive to misogyny in pop culture in films, television, and comedy, but still have a huge cultural blind-spot when it comes to music.

That's not a good thing, especially when pop music is marketed to teenagers.

"We know that music has a strong impact on young people and how they view their role in society," said Cynthia Frisby, a professor in the Missouri School of Journalism.

"Unlike rap or hip-hop, pop music tends to have a bubbly, uplifting sound that is meant to draw listeners in," Frisby continued. "But that can be problematic if the lyrics beneath the sound are promoting violence and misogynistic behavior."

Let's face it, pop stars are role models. Their examples show young people what to wear and how to behave. That's not to say that kids will blindly follow someone just because they like their music. But it has an undeniable effect.

Wahlberg, and any parent who monitors what their kids are listening to, deserve credit for protecting the minds and hearts of their kids.

Frisby has some great advice for parents concerned about negative imagery in pop music.

"Ask your daughters and sons what songs they like to listen to and have conversations about how the songs might impact their identity," Frisby said.

"For example, many songs might make young girls feel like they have to look and act provocative in order to get a boy to like them, when that isn't necessarily the case. If children and teens understand that what they are hearing isn't healthy behavior, then they might be more likely to challenge what they hear on the radio."