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Dad asks if he's wrong for telling his daughter she's not 'gifted.' People let him have it.

“Putting your daughter down served no positive purpose."

parenting, gifted program, early colleges, dads and daughters
Canva, Reddit

Sometimes we should think before we speak

Sure, there are inherent problems that come from assigning children with the label “gifted," among them being the constant pressure to succeed, equating good grades with self-worth, being alienated from peers, and last but not least, having to deal with the psychological whiplash of learning that being “special” doesn’t protect you from real-world problems once school is over.

With that said, are parents doing their high-achieving kids a disservice by calling them “gifted?”

One dad seems to think so…although he may be regretting sharing that perspective.


On Reddit’s Am I The A**hole forum, the dad explained that he and his wife both hold degrees in electrical engineering and have two children—a son, 17, and a daughter, 15.

Their daughter finished high school early and is heading to college at the same time as their son. She’s already chosen to study physics and computer science, while their son hasn’t picked a major yet.


After commending his daughter for her achievements and saying that she had been in the gifted program at her school, the dad goes on to share a dinner conversation that quickly went south.

“My wife mentioned how proud she was of our daughter and how lucky we were to have gifted children going to good university programs and how not many people can do what our daughter did.”

Aw. What a nice mom. Here’s how the dad responded.

via GIPHY

“I was also very happy but I said that while (daughter) is really hardworking and smart, I would not say that she is actually gifted and others can't do it if they put in the same amount of work,” he said. “Her school does a lot to try to admit girls into her program, and my wife helped teach her advanced college level math and physics from an earlier age, she didn't naturally pick it up on her own. If anything being a younger applicant with the same credentials probably helped her stand out more for the admissions committee.”

While the dad attests that he was merely trying to avoid the term “gifted” because he had seen how it has “ruined” other people’s lives, his intentions didn’t exactly pan out.

“Both my wife and daughter are upset at me now, my wife thinks I was trying to put her down which is not true and says she is gifted, while my daughter actually agrees with me but says I should not have said it as she already knows,” he wrote.

And therein lies the OP’s question: was he the jerk in this situation? Did he unrightfully downplay his daughter’s abilities?

According to the folks on Reddit, the answer is unequivocally yes. Not only was the action unnecessary and toxic but it was also deemed as pretty illogical.

via GIPHY

“Putting your daughter down served no positive purpose. Discouraging a young teen like that can have serious detrimental effects. Even if she isn’t actually gifted, you were the asshole,” the top comment read. “That being said, she is gifted. Not every 15-year-old can go to a university to study physics. Not only is she gifted academically, she is gifted with drive and determination. Not everyone has that. And you tried to put her down.”

“The very fact that she was able to pick up calculus at an early age is evidence she is gifted. I’m assuming she was doing calculus at age 12-13 if she’s already going to college for physics. Anyone doing calculus before high school is gifted, she’s several standard deviations higher than the average student," wrote another.

Posts from the amitheasshole
community on Reddit

Several women who worked in STEM also chimed in to point out how the dad’s rhetoric reflected sexism.

One person wrote: “I spent my career as a woman in the sciences and I've been around countless guys like you who are quick to praise their little female 'worker bees' as long as they know their place, but who are incapable of acknowledging when a woman is genuinely exceptional. It's especially heartbreaking that you have managed to erode her awareness of her own gifts to the point where she ‘actually agrees’ with you that she is ‘just’ a hard worker and not really gifted.”

And perhaps the comment to drive it all home:

“The horrible part here is that this message is coming from the girl's own father. He should be her biggest fan, not her harshest critic."

Parents want to do what’s best for their kids—setting them up for the highest success while protecting them from potential danger. But sometimes that objective gets warped by a parent’s own limited viewpoint. Hopefully, other parents can take this story as a reminder that when their kids are excelling, knocking them down a peg doesn’t really do them any favors.

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Meet the 18-year-old advocating for teen mental health, one inspiring podcast at a time

All images provided by Prudential Emerging Visionaries

Collins after being selected by Prudential Emerging Visionaries

True

A changemaker is anyone who takes creative action to solve an ongoing problem—be it in one’s own community or throughout the world.

And when it comes to creating positive change, enthusiasm and a fresh perspective can hold just as much power as years of experience. That’s why, every year, Prudential Emerging Visionaries celebrates young people for their innovative solutions to financial and societal challenges in their communities.

This national program awards 25 young leaders (ages 14-18) up to $15,000 to devote to their passion projects. Additionally, winners receive a trip to Prudential’s headquarters in Newark, New Jersey, where they receive coaching, skills development, and networking opportunities with mentors to help take their innovative solutions to the next level.

For 18-year-old Sydnie Collins, one of the 2023 winners, this meant being able to take her podcast, “Perfect Timing,” to the next level.

Since 2020, the Maryland-based teen has provided a safe platform that promotes youth positivity by giving young people the space to celebrate their achievements and combat mental health stigmas. The idea came during the height of Covid-19, when Collins recalled social media “becoming a dark space flooded with news,” which greatly affected her own anxiety and depression.

Knowing that she couldn’t be the only one feeling this way, “Perfect Timing” seemed like a valuable way to give back to her community. Over the course of 109 episodes, Collins has interviewed a wide range of guests—from other young influencers to celebrities, from innovators to nonprofit leaders—all to remind Gen Z that “their dreams are tangible.”

That mission statement has since evolved beyond creating inspiring content and has expanded to hosting events and speaking publicly at summits and workshops. One of Collins’ favorite moments so far has been raising $7,000 to take 200 underserved girls to see “The Little Mermaid” on its opening weekend, to “let them know they are enough” and that there’s an “older sister” in their corner.

Of course, as with most new projects, funding for “Perfect Timing” has come entirely out of Collins’ pocket. Thankfully, the funding she earned from being selected as a Prudential Emerging Visionary is going toward upgraded recording equipment, the support of expert producers, and skill-building classes to help her become a better host and public speaker. She’ll even be able to lease an office space that allows for a live audience.

Plus, after meeting with the 24 other Prudential Emerging Visionaries and her Prudential employee coach, who is helping her develop specific action steps to connect with her target audience, Collins has more confidence in a “grander path” for her work.

“I learned that my network could extend to multiple spaces beyond my realm of podcasting and journalism when industry leaders are willing to share their expertise, time, and financial support,” she told Upworthy. “It only takes one person to change, and two people to expand that change.”

Prudential Emerging Visionaries is currently seeking applicants for 2024. Winners may receive up to $15,000 in awards and an all-expenses-paid trip to Prudential’s headquarters with a parent or guardian, as well as ongoing coaching and skills development to grow their projects.

If you or someone you know between the ages of 14 -18 not only displays a bold vision for the future but is taking action to bring that vision to life, click here to learn more. Applications are due by Nov. 2, 2023.
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This validates my burn out, right? #momtok #momsoftiktok #sahm #boymom #toddlermom #toddlersoftiktok #3under5

@jothemama

This validates my burn out, right? #momtok #momsoftiktok #sahm #boymom #toddlermom #toddlersoftiktok #3under5

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