Mom calls out unfair 'double standard' of boomer grandparents who don't help with childcare
"I love my mom dearly, but I'm surprised at how little effort she puts in."
A stressed mom and her happy, busy parents.
As far as generational stereotypes go, baby boomers (1946 to 1964) have often been accused of being a self-absorbed generation that has had no problem hoarding wealth, disregarding the environment, and prioritizing their own interests over their families. After all, they’re the generation that predominantly raised Gen X (1965 to 1980) and older millennials ('80s babies), also known as Gen Goonie, who were the least parented group of people in decades.
It’s unfair to paint an entire generation with the same brush. Still, the people who were once called the “Me Generation” are developing a reputation for being less involved in their grandchildren’s lives than their parents. The different grandparenting styles have been attributed to the fact that boomers worked longer and therefore want to enjoy their retirement. They also have more money than their parents to enjoy traveling and pursuing their hobbies. Those looking to take shots at boomers claim that they didn’t put a lot of effort into raising their kids, so why would they be any different with their grandkids?
Baby boomer grandparents.via Canva/Photos
A mother of one, who goes by TheCalmQuail on Mumsnet (a UK-based mothers' forum), made a controversial post, calling out a significant double standard when it comes to boomers. They had no problem having their parents help raise their kids, but they don’t want to extend the same courtesy to their children.
“It's come up in a few conversations with other parents recently about how little time their parents spend with their children, especially in comparison to when they were younger and at their grandparents' daily,” CalmQuail wrote. “Myself included, I avoided nursery completely when my mother went back to work because free daily childcare from a relative, and some of my happiest regular memories are spending regular one-on-one time with my Nana.”
“I realise grandparents are entitled to their own lives, but the lack of help does seem like double standards, when a large majority have seemingly had so much help themselves,” she continued.
A stressed mom with her head in her hands.via Canva/Photos
CalmQuail added that her mother lives up the road from her but still finds excuses not to help our child or even spend time with her kid. “It often feels like she's an extra toddler, as I have to suggest stuff to tempt her to do anything together; I manage the logistics, drive her there, etc. She will be there for emergency childcare requests when possible,” she continued. At the end of her post, she asked whether she was being unreasonable for thinking that her parents should put as much effort into raising their grandchildren as they had put into raising their parents.
The verdict: 68% thought she was NOT being unreasonable, and 32% felt that she was being unreasonable. Therefore, a majority of parents on the forum believe that Baby Boomers have the same responsibility to their grandchildren as the Silent Generation (1928 to 1945) did to theirs.
Many parents on the forum have experienced similar situations with their boomer parents and have given them a little grace by acknowledging that their grandparents didn’t have many resources or retirement expectations, so they dedicated their energy to their families.
A stressed mom doing laundry.via Canva/Photos
“I know this will turn into a boomer bashing thread but my experience is my parents and their friends are early retirees with a fair bit of cash and feel they’ve earnt a nice easy long comfortable retirement (they have worked hard but only the same as us except we can’t afford a nanny, cleaner etc like they did…).so they’re busy on holidays, golfing, socialising,” a commenter wrote. “My grandparents were typical of their generation—very hard working, modest life, and incredibly family orientated, they had us every holiday.”
“I don’t think my grandparents had much in the way of expectations of retirement,” another commenter added. “They retired relatively early by today’s standards, and lived far longer than they expected. There wasn’t much of a sense of ‘enjoying your retirement’ by jetting off around the world or pursuing personal hobbies - they were always there and available.”
Ultimately, there’s nothing wrong with baby boomers enjoying their retirement, but their children have a right to feel a bit miffed by the shift in grandparenting priorities. As times change, so do expectations, but why does it feel like younger people are always getting the short end of the stick when it comes to life's necessities, such as childcare and the cost of living? Unfortunately, so many younger people feel like they have to go it alone. However, kudos to the boomer grandparents who do help out with childcare, just as their parents did. As they say, it takes a village to raise a child, and these days, our villages need to be growing instead of shrinking.
An easy, actionable way to let President Trump know you're paying attention.
Put on your active citizen hat because the Department of Housing and Urban Development is seeking public comments on a proposed rule.
First, a little background.
In October 2016, HUD published a final rule, "Equal Access in Accordance with an Individual's Gender Identity in Community Planning and Development Programs."
It ensures people have equal access to HUD programs and shelters funded by HUD's Office of Community Planning and Development (CPD) regardless of their gender identity. It's actually an expansion of a 2012 rule that provided equal access to shelters and programs regardless of sexual orientation.
Sounds good so far, right?
A person walking by an East Harlem public housing complex. Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images.
The rule is great but only if people — especially those seeking emergency shelter or resources — know it exists.
As part of the rule, HUD is proposing owners and operators of CPD-funded buildings, housing units, and shelters post this rule in public places in their facilities (like bulletin boards and in the lobby) where people can see it. HUD would provide the content of the notice and the owners would just have to print it out and post it. HUD estimates the task will take six minutes.
Just print and post. That's what HUD is suggesting. Photo by Newburyport Public Library/Flickr.
Here's where all of us come in. HUD is seeking public comment on four things:
1. Whether the printout is necessary and useful.
2. Whether the six-minute estimate is accurate.
3. How to improve the quality, usefulness, or clarity of the document.
4. How to minimize the burden on people required to print out the document.
If you believe it's a good idea for HUD shelters and housing units to post this information, you can submit your comments electronically or by mail until Feb. 23, 2017.
Think giving feedback on something like this is trivial and unnecessary? Ask the genderqueer teen living on the streets who needs a place to crash and doesn't know if they're welcome at a local emergency shelter. Ask the transgender woman who was worried she'd be denied access to a home-buying program.
It may seem small, but to the individuals and families looking for resources and reassurance, it's significant.
Homeless grandmother Valencia Terrell arrives with her grandchild to stay temporarily at a friend's home in Atlantic City in 2015. Photo by John Moore/Getty Images.
More comments and feedback on the issues and proposed policies let the administration know we are paying attention.
This is only the first week of the new administration, and President Trump and his team have set several potentially devastating plans into motion. There's the unsanctioned gag order at the USDA, the devastating executive action prohibiting U.S. aid groups from funding NGOs that advise on or provide abortions, revival of the Keystone XL and Dakota Access oil pipelines, not the mention the promise to begin moving on his border wall.
President Donald Trump signs one of five executive orders related to the oil pipeline industry. Photo by Shawn Thew-Pool/Getty Images.
You may not have the time or emotional energy to respond to every issue or proposal and that's OK.
With so much going on, it's easy to get discouraged and zone out. We have to persist. When we stop speaking up, reading, or getting involved, the administration's decisions go ignored and unchecked. There's just too much at stake to risk that.
Pick your issue: write a comment, make a call, attend a town hall, send a letter. Let Congress and Trump know you won't be silenced, bullied, or ignored. They work for us, and it's time they get a reminder.
People listen at a town hall meeting on Latin American and immigration policy in Los Angeles. Photo by David McNew/Getty Images.
Get ready. Your active citizen hat is going to be on for a while.