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7 infuriating situations every holiday traveler will recognize — and how to deal.

Traveling around the holidays can be a slow-moving nightmare. The most important thing to remember amidst the chaos? It's all going to be OK, and you will get where you're going. Honest. Here, then, are 7 of the most infuriating parts of holiday travel — and reasons why you shouldn't panic.

1. A family of six is unloading literally every single thing from their luggage as slow as humanly possible right in front of you on the security line.

Yeah. Sure. It totally ends somewhere. Photo by Dragfyre/Wikimedia Commons.

Why it's exasperating:

Airport security is the worst, even under ideal conditions. Thankfully, you're a pro. You've done this a million times. You know your system. You wear your shoes you can kick off without untying, and you place your laptop and plastic bag full of liquids on top of everything else in your suitcase so you can take them out right away. It's obvious to you.

Why isn't it obvious to the mom, dad, and four slow-moving, whining, school-aged children who somehow maneuvered themselves directly in front of you? Don't they realize there are eleventy-hundred people behind them in line? Why did they bring five full-size bottles of shampoo? Can't Tabitha put her stuffed dog in the suitcase for twelve seconds? Did they really need to have that fourth kid? Isn't that kind of showing off? How are they even affording this?

Now you're stressed out at the mere idea of having four children in the first place, and it's all their fault.

Why you should remain at peace:

When you think about it, it makes total sense that they're inexperienced at this. Most likely, the reason they so rarely travel is that they know how difficult it is to take the kids on a plane without pissing off everybody in the world. The only reason they're doing so now is because they absolutely have to.

Maybe Dad hasn't been on a plane for so long he didn't know about the liquid thing when he packed the shampoo. Maybe Mom used to travel all the time, and she's frustrated that her system has been disrupted by the presence of children. Maybe she's bitterly recalling how easy it used to be. She's probably picking up on the hostility behind her and not entirely not agreeing with it. Probably at least one of the kids is sick, and making sure medicine is accessible is more important than getting all computers removed from their sleeves in a timely fashion.

Take a deep breath. This is why you knew to get here two hours early. You got this. Remember how you're a pro? You'll get to where your going. You always do. Zen, baby. Zen.

2. The cashier at the Wendy's across from Gate C25 took your order over 20 minutes ago, and your classic double with cheese value meal appears to be nowhere on the horizon.

Imagine what the line at the good airport Wendy's is like. Photo by Badudoy/Wikimedia Commons.

Why you're probably getting ready chew your own foot off and eat it:

You always come to this Wendy's. This is your airport Wendy's. The whole reason you come here is because it's quick-quick, bang-bang, in-and-out. If you wanted to linger, you'd have stopped at the O'Houlihan's near B6 or, at the very least, the Chili's Too. There's usually never anyone here!

Only now there's a cluster of a thousand people waiting off to the side, all of whom ordered in front of you. How could it possibly take this long to reheat a frozen meat patty in a machine? It's called fast food for a reason. Not only is it fast food, it's fast food in an airport for Chrissakes. Speed is of the essence! People have flights to catch! What is taking so long? Come on, people!

Why, dude, it's honestly OK and you should just chill:

Trust me, if you think it's exasperating waiting what seems like hours for your order, try being the poor teenager behind the counter desperately flailing to keep making food for progressively more aggravated travelers from 6:00 a.m. to midnight.

The winter holiday travel days are some of the busiest days of the year for the airport — and by extension, the airport Wendy's — and they're likely understaffed. You're heading to a nice, four-day vacation, while there's a strong chance the Wendy's workers will have to work not only over the weekend, but on the actual holiday that you're traveling home to celebrate. That really sucks. Especially when they're making barely above the already ridiculously low minimum wage to do it.

You'll be fine. Worst-case scenario? You have to forfeit $8.67 and be hungry for a while longer. You'll have plenty of time over the weekend to overcompensate on calories. Think about pumpkin pie and feel the mellow wash over you like a gooey, orange wave (sorry for the visual).

3. Your flight is cancelled, and of course the line to see the gate agent for rebooking is moving at a glacial pace.

That noncommittal smile conceals the white-hot rage of a thousand suns. Photo via iStock.

Why you're slowly turning an ever-brighter shade of Looney Tunes red:

Not only does having your flight scratched mess up your carefully arranged napping schedule for the weekend, but now every single person on this flight who is going where you're going has to cram onto the same dwindling number of later flights.

You're 28th on line to see the gate agent to change your ticket, and if you don't get to the front of the line soon, you might not be able to get out tonight and miss that family dinner that's your favorite part of the whole trip.

Why is there just one gate agent working? Why don't they send another? Why doesn't she do her job faster? When you get up there, you're going to give her a piece of your mind. Why doesn't she deserve it? It's her fault for working for such a terrible airline in the first place.

Why it's actually in your best interests to de-steam your ears and de-dagger your eyes:

Literally every single person at this airport has yelled at this gate agent. See? The guy at the front of the line is doing it right now. And another guy is yelling at her from over to the side. So many people are yelling at her it has become her normal. It's actually the reason the line is moving so slow. Instead of problem solving, everyone just wants to vent, and it grinds the process to a halt.

When it's your turn, you're far more likely to get what you want if you treat her like a human being. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but it will be a huge relief to both you and her, and she'll be much more likely to squeeze you onto the 7:50 to Des Moines or help troubleshoot with some out-of-the-box thinking and fly you somewhere else that's close enough that you can rent a car and drive.

You know this. Resist the dark side! You can do it. (Also, call the airline while you're in line. This is often way faster. You know this already!)

4. Every single passenger crowding the gate as if the plane is going to leave without them if they're not the first one on.

Photo by Michael Cote/Flickr.

Why it's frustrating beyond all realm of human comprehension:

What marks an inexperienced traveler more than clustering by the gate during the boarding process even though they have at least 20 minutes to board? It's so obvious it's infuriating. Don't they know what noobs they look like?

It's not just aesthetics either! Sure, they look calm now, but when your zone gets called, that seemingly-innocent glob of people is going to react like the Chicago Bears defensive line and close ranks, making it impossible for you to get on line until it's impossibly long. Once you do make it, you'll only be able to wait in a calm, orderly fashion, until the next zone is called and 75 people will somehow expect to shove in ahead of you because they were waiting on what they thought was the line, but clearly wasn't the line. Everyone who is anyone knows it wasn't the line!

And the worst part? You'll be forced to let them in so as not to appear like airport Scrooge. But you sure feel like elbowing them out of the way. And who could blame you?

Why rushing the gate actually makes a ton of sense:

It's not about being the first to sit down (no one, except maybe those in first class, wants more time on the plane), it's about making sure they get their bag in the overhead bin — preferably somewhere near them, or even just at all.

With nearly every airline instituting expensive checked baggage fees, everyone is fighting for the same increasingly limited amount of overhead bin space. It's completely rational behavior if you're not in the elite rank of flyers who happen to be status or credit card-benefitted into Zone 1 or higher. You're probably one of the lucky ones, and that's great. You can take your time. But what they're doing is also in their best interests.

Don't hate the player, as they say...

5. An agent asks you to put your bag in the bag sizer, even though 17 people with bags bigger than yours just got on.

If this is your view, it's already too late. Photo by Rob Schiffmann, used with permission.

What you are tempted to screamsay:

"No. No, no, no, no. No way. Nope. The whole reason I bought this bag is because it's 'airline approved carry-on size.' Dude, come on! Nothing fits in that sizer. We all know it's designed that way. Dude. Come. On! Dude! What about that guy? He just brought a trombone on board! This is a trick to get more of us to throw up our hands and pay that stupid fee. You know it and I know it, so let's not pretend. That woman right there just snuck by you wheeling a full-on 50-pound bag! Enough! This is petty tyranny and I reject it! I reject it, I say! Is this Communist Russia? It is not! Dude! Come. On!"

What you probably should say instead:

"Yes. OK. I understand, sir. This is your job, and although I disagree with the premise of your employment, I respect that you are being paid to perform said job and will likely be disciplined if you fail to. I shall remove my laptop and book and claim my bag at baggage claim, probably no more than 15 minutes after I otherwise would have left the airport. Have a pleasant weekend. I hope you enjoy a well-earned few days of rest."

6. A fat person is sitting next to you on the plane.

Why it's driving you slowly up the fuselage:

You're in coach, which means you have a seat that is roughly two inches wide by one-inch deep. And this person is encroaching on 1/3 of it or more? What gives them the right! Why do you of all people have to sit next to them when there's a whole plane full of seats you could be sitting in instead? Why should their body take precedence over your comfort? Is there a manager you can complain to? This is outrageous!

Why you should redirect your rage toward more deserving targets:

Speaking as someone who is frequently the fat person in question, let me state for the record that we are just as uncomfortable as you, if not more so — and definitely 1,000,000% more mortified. According to the National Institutes of Health, nearly 70% of Americans weigh more than what is considered "normal" weight. Which means "normal" weight ... isn't actually so normal anymore.

And yet, airline seats continue to get smaller as airlines attempt to maximize profits at the expense of passenger comfort. In an ideal world, we'd all have, I don't know, human-size seats? Seats that more closely reflect the American body these days? But sadly, we don't live in that world, and just like you, we have to sit somewhere. Two to six hours from now, you can have all the personal space you so desire. For now, feel free to watch "Bridge of Spies" over our shoulder.

7. The person in the middle seat is snoring as loud as humanly possible.

Photo via iStock.

Why this is fully the worst of all the available universes:

A little bit of snoring? Fine. You can live with that. It happens. But this? This is a full-on, tractor-trailer backfiring, chalkboard-scratching, deafening demon wail direct from the maw of Hades. You try to listen to music to drown it out, but the only music you have loaded on your work laptop is that Rascal Flatts album your boss gave you for last year's Secret Santa. You now have to decide whether to listen to jackhammer-level snoring or Rascal Flatts — a choice no human being should ever be forced to make.

You are in hell with no relief in sight. Not even a free can of Canada Dry ginger ale can numb the pain.

Why it's actually not so bad:

I've got nothing, actually. This is horrible. It is your God-given right as an American to be mad about this. Poke him in the ribs and wake him up, maybe. Pretend it was turbulence.

Good luck getting home! And happy holidays.

Wellness

Gen Z manager shares the time-off requests she's rejected, and people are here for it

This is a refreshing approach to leadership.

time off requests, pto, sick leave, gen z manager, manager positions, asking for time off
@bunchesofbeggs/TikTok

This Manager thinks PTO is for vacation, not "life changing events."

What does it take to be a good boss? You can answer this a million different ways—by being a clear communicator, earning employee trust, providing constructive feedback, and fostering a positive and supportive work environment while also being open to feedback and recognizing your team's contributions—but really, it all seems to stem from respecting your employees as fellow human beings.

Part of that means acknowledging that these employees have lives that are, frankly, more important to them than the job, and not penalizing them for it. One manager, and Gen Zer no less, seems to fully understand this basic principle, and folks are applauding her for it.

Elizabeth Beggs, who manages a five-person team for a packaging distribution company in Virginia, recently made a TikTok sharing which time-off requests she “rejects. ”You’ll see why “rejects” is in quotes shortly.

One example: when a female rep notified Beggs that she was likely having a miscarriage. After the team member asked how she can file for time off to see to the issue, Beggs immediately responded, “Girl, go to the doctor! We’re not submitting time off for that!”

In Beggs’ mind, PTO is for “vacation,” not medical emergencies. What a concept.

@bunchesofbeggs

Edited to clarify- 1. My team is all salary. 2. These examples are not all recent or from my current position. 3. My team works hard and hits thier KPIs above and beyond. Time off is meant to recharge and be used how you need it, not to handle life changing events #mangers #corporate #genzmanagers #sales #vetstocorporate #veterans

Beggs went on to explain a couple more situations, like when one employee—a parent—was “up all night” with their sick kid. And her last one wasn’t even negative—she had an employee who wanted to work a half-day to do something nice for their anniversary.

“Seriously, if any of these triggered anyone, then you need to evaluate how you run your team as a manager,” she concluded.

By and large, the response to Beggs’ management style has been overwhelmingly positive, and people seem to find it completely refreshing.

“You are not a manager, you’re a LEADER,” one person wrote.

@bunchesofbeggs

Everything you do should be to better your team, not to make your life easier #leadership #ownership #corporatelife #veteran #military

Another said, “The better you treat your employees, the more loyal they will be and the better work they will put out. Most people do not understand how management works.”

A few noted how this attitude seems to be more present among younger leaders. One person commented, "millennial manager here. My team members are human first, employees second. Like just go do what you want but get the work done too.”

Another joked that “Boomer managers could NEVER.”

Beggs would later clarify this doesn’t mean she doesn't have clear productivity expectations for her team (who work on salary). Perhaps if she had a team member not making their KPIs (key performance indicators), there would be an additional conversation surrounding time off, but there is still an inherent respect as a fellow human being. Which, to her, means treating bona fide time off as a way to “recharge and be used how you need it, not to handle life changing events.”

@bunchesofbeggs

If you’re planning does not account for people being human- it’s bad planning #genzleaders #armyvet #militaryvet #genz #corporatelife #corporate #manager #timeoff

Younger generations might get labeled “lazy” or “entitled,” but they are also the ones fighting to change the status quo so that we all may be treated less like cogs in the machine, and more like actual human beings. Its leaders like Beggs who show that operating in new ways doesn't compromise productivity—it, in fact, enhances it. We might not be able to change the global standard overnight, but we certainly aren’t going to get to a better place without leaders who choose to serve their community rather than a bottom line.

This article originally appeared in March.

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This surprising map reveals the real value of $100 in each state

Your purchasing power can swing by nearly 25 percent from state to state.

cheapest states, cost of living, finances, cost of living, $100
Image by Tax Foundation.

Map represents the value of 100 dollars across America.

As the cost of living in large cities continues to rise due to inflation, tariffs, and other economic factors, more and more people are realizing that the value of a dollar in the United States is a very relative concept. For decades, cost of living indices have sought to address and benchmark the inconsistencies in what money will buy, but they are often so specific they prevent a holistic picture or the ability to "browse" the data based on geographic location.

Each year, the Tax Foundation addresses many of these shortcomings using the most recent Bureau of Economic Analysis data to provide a familiar map of the United States overlaid with the relative value of what $100 is "worth" in each state. In recent years, they've further updated their data so that you can break down the value of your money across every single metro area in the United States. It's an incredibly valuable tool for the many people considering (or who have already acted and migrated from states like California to Florida), Texas and other states with friendly state taxes rates and more affordable housing options.

The map quantifies and presents the cost of living by geography in a brilliantly simple way. For instance, if you're looking for a beach lifestyle but don't want to pay California prices, try Florida, which is about as close to "average"—in terms of purchasing power, anyway—as any state in the Union. If you happen to earn (or luck) your way into Silicon Valley tax brackets, head to Hawaii, D.C., or New York. You'll burn through your money in no time. And in some of those places like Hawaii, there are quality of life measurements that often exceed raw purchasing power.

So, where does your dollar go the furthest in 2025? The financial planning site GoBankingRates.com compiled its own list of cash purchasing power across each state and found that in California, you get the least bang for your buck: only $87.42 in real purchasing power for every $100 of cash. The average person in California makes $96,344 annually, one of the higher income levels in the country. However, just living in California on average costs residents a staggering $86,408, leaving the average person with little flexibility for long-term financial planning projects like retirement, saving for a new home, or even buying a new car.

At the other end of the spectrum is Arkansas, where your dollar goes the furthest. In fact, that $100 bill burning a hole in your proverbial wallet is in fact worth more than its technical value, with a real value of $113.49. On top of that, the cost of living is only $37,067, less than half of that in California. Further, the average cost of a new home in Arkansas is $208,743, less than one-third of a new home in California. Not coincidentally, in 2023, Arkansas was the top destination for people moving to another state within the United States, followed by Texas.

family, moving, income, finances, $100 Family moving into a new home. Canva Photos.

How about Florida, which has received outsized attention in recent years for its overt efforts to draw residents from California and other states with higher costs of living? According to the most recent data, Florida is in fact much closer to California than Arkansas, coming in only in 40th place on the GoBankingRates rankings, with $100 in cash only being worth $96.55. However, the annual cost of living is still only slightly more than half of that in California, coming in at $53,505. And if you're looking to buy some real estate, the average home is valued at $404,924. That's still well outside the purchasing power of many Americans, but with built-in advantages such as warm weather and one of the top-ranked state education system in America, it's obvious why so many people, especially those with families, are choosing Florida over California in recent years.

florida, cost of living, finances, $100, education Driving Road Trip GIF by Rosen Hotels & Resorts Giphy

According to U.S. News and World Report's data analysis, California only has the nation's 23rd best education system and is ranked a paltry 37th overall in their state rankings. It's quite a contrast for a state that bills itself on the promise of opportunity, natural wonder, and positive lifestyle options. And with 2025's wildfires (as well as an annually-worsening wildfire season), the constant threat of earthquakes, and other factors, California clearly has challenges beyond economics if it wants to remain one of the more attractive states in the nation.

Of course, those numbers are always in flux, and political leaders in California have promised concrete reforms in order to address the state's high cost of living compared with the value of its social and emergency services. If you want proof of how quickly things can change, look at a similar analysis of the value of $100 in each state from 2015:

- YouTube youtu.be

However, those negative statistical trends aside, California continues to have an incredible pull on our collective imagination. Four hundred twenty-three thousand, one hundred ninety-four Americans left their state for California according to the most recent data in 2023, placing it in third behind our previously mentioned top two states, Arkansas and Texas.

So, it's clear there are a number of factors that determine the best place to live in America. When it comes to raw purchasing power, you cannot beat Arkansas. But there's so much else to consider: public resources like education and healthcare, job opportunities (you probably won't make nearly as much in Arkansas as you might in California) and other factors such as proximity to family, friends, and personal interests.

There's no doubt America is rapidly changing and that includes what people value the most when they decide where to live. In uncertain economic times, the face of America will likely change radically in the coming years with the political, economic, and social landscape shifting in meaningful ways.

This article originally appeared in August.

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85-year-old woman in senior home brings down the house with Fleetwood Mac 'Landslide' cover

There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Carole Wade, Senior Living, music, karaoke, Fleetwood Mac
Cecily Knobler

A woman sings "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac at karaoke.

On a hot Sunday in July, Carole Wade took the mic at a Dallas senior living facility where my mom lives. I happened to be visiting for the karaoke event, and the list of residents who couldn't wait to put their stamps on their favorite tunes was so long, the event had to be extended. ABBA's "Mamma Mia," David Lee Roth's "Just a Gigolo"—you name it, they sang it.

When it was Wade's turn, the microphone was brought to her table. She took it in her hands as though it was an extension of her fingers as the music cued up. Then, as she began to effortlessly sing "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac, the room got still. Frozen. All eyes were on her, and most of those eyes were wet. The lyrics, so beautifully fitting:

"Well, I've been afraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you.
But time makes you bolder,
Even children get older,
I'm getting old too."

A man sitting at our table took notice of how emotional I had become. He leaned over to say, "Never stop feeling the music."

I had the honor of chatting with Wade, who at 85, has been singing nearly her whole life. She got started in the business as a backup singer in Elvis impersonator groups in Dallas and surrounding areas. In and out of bands, playing Deep Ellum clubs and local hotels, she shares, "I've been singing since I was a small child. I've loved music all my life."

As luck would have it, she was at a jam session when she started harmonizing with other musicians. They would soon form her most recent band, Psychedelic Oatmeal. They officially stopped playing gigs when she was in her 70s, but they remain close. (She notes her bandmates were all much younger.)

bands, carole wade, music, old friends, singer Carole and her band mates.Carole Wade

They covered classic rock tunes from Stevie Nicks, The Eagles, Janis Joplin, and Led Zeppelin. Songs like "Me and Bobby McGee," "Seven Bridges Road," and "Whole Lotta Love." She laughs that most of the men in the band couldn't hit those Zeppelin high notes made famous by Robert Plant, so she took on the challenge—with great success.

They even branded themselves at gigs, making little Ziploc bags of oatmeal and glitter, which they would throw to the audience at shows. That is, until a club owner asked them to stop, as the oatmeal was mixing with spilled drinks, "creating goo."

Rare footage of Psychedelics Oatmeal.

The band Psychedelic Oatmeal plays in Dallas. www.youtube.com

Wade makes clear that music is her therapy. "If you're down on a certain day, it will bring you up." She has lived a full life, with two grown sons who are both excelling in life. But music, and the friends with whom she makes it, brings her that extra piece of joy and purpose.

Michael Hatcher, the Resident Services Director at The Reserve at North Dallas (the senior facility in which this event was held), has seen firsthand how music soothes seniors. It reconnects them to their purest selves, no matter how hazy their memories might become. Hatcher shares, "They remember the music, and the time. It's a vessel for anyone of age. It can be used to bring someone out of the deepest sun-downing and back to life."

A man sings "Just a Gigolo" at The Reserve karaoke day.

@cdk213

Senior living karaoke! Fabulous! #seniorlivingcommunity #justagigalo #dallas

There is much research to support this. Bannerhealth.com quotes music therapy coordinator Tammy Reiver for Banner Hospice in Phoenix: "Music holds the power to increase dopamine levels (happy hormones), decrease symptoms of depression and pain, and improve a person’s quality of life. Pleasing music plays an important role at every age, but for aging adults, the benefits are even greater.”

As for Wade? She jokes that she and a few other musicians at the senior home have plans to start their own band. She certainly has the chops for it—and the fans.

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Education

A fourth-grade teacher asked for 3 'good reasons' for slavery. There was only right answer.

The school assignment was intended to spark debate and discussion—but isn't that part of the problem?

history, Black Americans, school, homework assignment, outrage
Trameka Brown-Berry/Facebook

A school assignment asked for 3 "good" reasons for slavery.

Back in 2018, a fourth-grader's school assignment was so shocking that it went viral. Every news outlet from ABC7 to HuffPost to CNN reported on the incident, in which a homework assignment asked students to list three "good" reasons for slavery. Yeah, you read that right.

The assignment was given to fourth graders at Our Redeemer Lutheran School in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and also asked for three "good" and three "bad" reasons for slavery. The absurd and offensive assignment was brought to the public's attention when one fourth grader's mom shared a photo of the homework sheet on Facebook, asking, 'Does anyone else find my 4th grader's homework offensive? 😡"

Now, it's not uncommon for parents to have questions about their kids' homework. Sometimes, it's just been too long since they've done long division for them to be of any help. Or teaching methods have just changed too dramatically since they were in school. And other times, kids bring home something truly inexplicable.

For mom Trameka Brown-Berry, looking over her 4th-grade son Jerome's homework made her jaw hit the floor.

The school assignment was intended to spark debate and discussion—but isn't that part of the problem? The shockingly offensive assignment deserved to be thrown in the trash. But young Jerome dutifully filled it out anyway, and his response was pretty much perfect:

In the section reserved for "good reasons," Jerome wrote, "I feel there is no good reason for slavery that's why I did not write."

We're a country founded on freedom of speech and the debate of ideas, which often leads us into situations where "both sides" are represented. In most cases, looking at both sides of a debate can help people come to a clear conclusion about what's right and what's wrong. But in this scenario, there is no reason that a child should ponder the positive benefits of slavery. There's no meaningful dialogue to be had about the perceived merits of stripping human beings of their basic living rights. No one is required to make an effort to "understand the other side" when the other side is bigoted, hateful, and violent.

The principal apologized to the students for the assignment

In a follow-up post, Brown-Berry writes that the school has since apologized for the assignment and committed to offering better diversity and sensitivity training for its teachers.


But what's done is done, and the incident illuminates the remarkable racial inequalities that still exist in our country. After all, Brown-Berry said to WCTI ABC News12, "You wouldn't ask someone to list three good reasons for rape or three good reasons for the Holocaust."

At the very end of the assignment, Jerome brought it home with a bang: "I am proud to be black because we are strong and brave..."


Even though the assignment was offensive, Brown-Berry found a silver lining in the experience for her son. "The moral of the story is, the only way to teach our kids to stand up for their rights and respect is to model it. With all of your support, I was able to give my child a personal life lesson about how change starts with you," she wrote in a Facebook post.

Good for Jerome for shutting down the thoughtless assignment with strength and amazing eloquence, and for being brave enough tell the truth: there are no good reasons for history's most heinous acts. The sooner the world acknowledges that, the sooner we can heal and restore.

This article originally appeared seven years ago. It has been updated.

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Mom writes tough letter to rebellious, 'independent' 13-year-old son and gets unexpected response

When the criticism started rolling in, Heidi Johnson doubled down.

moms, motherhood, parenting, family, teens, teenagers, letters, tough love, parenting styles
via Heidi Johnson/Facebook
A letter written from mother to son.

Parents are people, too. Whether they subscribe to "gentle parenting" ideas or a more old-school approach, the truth is that they're just doing their best. Sometimes they get it right, sometimes they make mistakes, and quite often, it's hard for anyone to tell whether they're doing a good job until years later.

Heidi Johnson's son was 13, deeply in adolescence, and in that stage where he'd frequently lash out and defy her at every turn. In one such instance, he stubbornly told her he shouldn't have to deal with her rules and should be independent. So she wrote a strict but loving "Mom's not a fool" letter. In the letter, she wrote that because he bragged about making money, he can buy back all of the things that she had purchased for him in the past and that he would also have to pay rent.

moms, motherhood, parenting, family, teens, teenagers, letters, tough love, parenting styles Teaching teenagers about real-life consequences isn't easy. Photo by Norbert Kundrak on Unsplash

"Dear Aaron,

Since you seem to have forgotten you are only 13, and I’m the parent, and that you won’t be controlled, I guess you will need a lesson in independence. Also, as you threw in my face that you are making money now, it will be easier to buy back all the items I bought for you in the past. If you would like your lamp/lightbulbs or access to the internet, you will need to pay your own share of costs.

Rent – $430

Electricity – $116

Internet – $21

Food – $150"

She also added some additional chores that, if not accomplished, she would fine him $30.

"He came home, saw the note, crumpled it on the floor, and stormed out of the apartment. I have always encouraged him to take a walk when he is upset so that he can collect his thoughts, so when we try to talk, we are able to talk, and not just yell at each other. I do the same thing — sometimes, I just need to walk away and collect myself. I am not above admitting that. He was still livid when he got home. He decided to stage a 'sit in' in my room, where he did laugh at me and repeat, 'Really? What are you going to do? You can't take my stuff,' etc.

He was asked to leave my room, and when he could be respectful, and I was more calm, we would discuss it further. He went to his room, and after about an hour, he had removed some electronics and items I missed that he felt he should have to earn back for his behavior. He apologized, and asked what could he do to make things better and start earning items back. He earned his comforter and some clothes right back. I did leave him some clothes to begin with, just not the ones he would want to wear every day. He also had some pillows and sheets, just not his favorite ones.”

Johnson decided to post the letter in its entirety on Facebook, the way one does to friends for a laugh and connection. After all, the strategy had been a success!

However, she neglected to make it "private," and soon, comments and shares proliferated, including admonishments from strangers who thought she was a bad parent. Now she had to deal with a bigger teenager: the internet and its commentariat.

But Johnson remained level-headed and wrote another Facebook post, clarifying.

"It's out there; and I am not ashamed of what I wrote... I am not going to put my 13-year-old on the street if he can't pay his half of the rent. I am not wanting him to pay anything. I want him to take pride in his home, his space, and appreciate the gifts and blessings we have.”

She explains that he is more grateful because of it, and also that he has slowly earned back things and dealt with sacrificing others. Then she lists her very organized and succinct rules of the house:


moms, motherhood, parenting, family, teens, teenagers, letters, tough love, parenting styles Kids need to be reminded, sometimes, of how much they still depend on mom. Photo by Spencer Plouzek on Unsplash

1 – Do your best in school! I don't expect a perfect 100%, but I do expect that you do your best and ask for help when you don't understand something.

2 – Homework and jobs need to be done before you can have screen time.

3 – Jobs are emptying the trash, unloading the dishwasher, throwing away trash you make in the kitchen, rinsing dirty dishes, making your bed daily, pick up bedroom nightly, and cleaning your bathroom once a week.

4 – You must complete two chores a day. Each day of the week with the exception of Sunday has a room that we work on cleaning. He has to pick two chores for that room. For example, if it is the living room he can choose two of the following options: dust, vacuum, polish furniture, clean windows, mop the floor.

5 – Be respectful and kind with your words — no back talking, no cussing at me.

6 – Keep good hygiene.

7 – Make eye contact when being spoken to, and be an active listener.

8 – Use proper manners.

It seems that after a long conversation about what being independent truly means, the mother and son came to a deeper understanding and patched things up.

"You know what.. this hasn't hurt our relationship. He and I still talk as openly as ever. He has apologized multiple times... And… he is trying harder," Johnson said.

Tough love is a controversial topic in parenting circles. Some say it makes kids anxious and unsafe while others insist that it's the only way to truly instill an understanding of consequences in young people. Experts say the best "tough love" enforces boundaries and consequences in order to teach tough life lessons, but is done with love and understanding rather than yelling — and it's certainly never violent. That's why it's so powerful how Johnson took the time to cool herself down and write a firm but level-headed letter.

It's also important to remember that teens who rebel aren't bad or ungrateful. The rebellion is a part of how they begin to establish their much-needed independence.

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After the initial negative reaction to her post, Johnson's story continued to spread and drew praise from other exasperated parents of teens:

"Tough love is real love, he has a chance because of you," one commenter wrote.

"Good for you! He needs to appreciate everything you do! You are doing him a favor teaching him what it is to take care of himself and learn some respect," wrote another.

"Best parent I have read about in a very long time. Kids do not rule the house, adults rule the house. Thank you very much for being a great mom," another said.

As for Johnson, her son is earning things back little by little, and "appreciating it more than he did before," she wrote.

"This came down to a 13-year-old telling his mother she had no right to enforce certain rules, and had no place to 'control' him. I made the point to show what life would look like if I was not his 'parent,' but rather a 'roommate.' It was a lesson about gratitude and respect from the very beginning. Sometimes, you have to lose it all to realize how well you really had it."

This article originally appeared four years ago. It has been updated.

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