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Dad shares what happens when you give your child books instead of a smartphone

The key to fostering healthy habits in children is to be wholly present and reject the “pressures of convenience”

via Armando Hart (used with permission)

Armando Hart and his son, Raya.

One of the most pressing dilemmas for parents these days is how much screen time they should allow their children. Research published by the Mayo Clinic shows that excessive screen time can lead to obesity, disrupted sleep, behavioral issues, poor academic performance, exposure to violence and a significant reduction in playtime.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends limiting screen time to 1 to 2 hours daily for children over 2. But American children spend far more time in front of screens than that and the situation is only worsening.

Before the pandemic, kids between the ages of 4 and 12 spent an average of 4.4 hours a day looking at screens, but since 2020, the average child’s daily screen time has increased by 1.75 hours.

A father in Long Beach, California, is getting some love for his TikTok video sharing what happens when you give your kid books instead of an iPhone. Armando Hart posted a video showing his 10-year-old son, Raya, reading a book in the back of a car and it’s been seen over 8 million times.

"Give them books instead of phones when they are little and this is the result," the caption reads. "Thank me later."

We’re so blessed with our son Raya. I think he’s read more books than I have.

@lifeinmotion08

We’re so blessed with our son Raya. I think he’s read more books than I have. #Books #Read #Fyp

Hart and his wife started reading to their son every night before bedtime, hoping to instill a love for books. "It was all about leading by example and creating a nurturing environment where reading was celebrated," Hart told Newsweek. These days, Raya is an avid reader who enjoys just about anything.

“My son likes novels, fiction, nonfiction, and realistic fiction,” Hart told Upworthy. “He also likes informative content, such as reading the almanac and other informative magazines. He loves to build, cook from recipes, and make art.”

For Hart, reading is all about creating a sense of balance in his son’s life.

“It's not about being against technology but about fostering a balanced approach that prioritizes meaningful experiences and hands-on learning,” he told Upworthy. “By instilling a love for reading, creativity, and exploration early on, we're equipping Raya with the skills and mindset he needs to thrive in an ever-changing world.”

Hart believes that the screen time discussion isn’t just about technology but a trend that goes deeper. “It speaks to a broader societal problem: our youth's lack of self-esteem, confidence and fundamental values. While screen time may exacerbate these issues, it is not the sole cause,” he told Upworthy.

“In contrast, physical activity, such as exercise, promotes joy and well-being. Spending hours scrolling on a phone can detract from genuine moments of happiness and fulfillment,” he continued. “Therefore, we must address the deeper underlying issues affecting our youth's mental and emotional health rather than solely attributing them to screen time.”

Hart believes the key to fostering healthy habits in children is to be wholly present and reject the “pressures of convenience” that encourage parental complacency.

“We prioritize quality time together, whether exploring nature, sharing meals with the best available foods, or engaging in meaningful conversations. In today's rapidly advancing technological world, staying grounded in our humanity and embodying integrity in everything we do is crucial,” he continued. “This means staying connected to our authentic selves and teaching our son the importance of honesty, kindness, and respect.”

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Mom's viral clip argues parents are spending too much time on kids' activities

“We’ve changed the expectation of parenting."

Keira Burton/ Pexels

Parents today spend far more time with their kids than previous generations.

Are we placing unrealistic expectations on ourselves as parents to entertain our children every second of every day? This is what a mom on Instagram purports in a clip that’s resonated deeply with fellow parents who feel stretched to the breaking point.

“I just spent a weekend with my kids who are 6, 4 and 2-years-old,” begins working mom Jen B who goes by the 8thdayformomonly. “And the amount of time I spent setting up activities, cleaning up activities, participating in activities is so much.”

In a video viewed over 35 thousand times, she says she doesn’t recall her parents ever putting in this much time. “I feel like the standard that we are holding ourselves to as parents to entertain our children is so much higher than it was when we were kids.

“It’s just a really, really high bar when you have two working parents and you’re also maintaining a house,” she continued.

The content creator says the expectation has shifted over the years.

“We’ve changed the expectation of parenting to think we’re always supposed to be involved and we’re supposed to enjoy every minute and get on the ground and play with them… and so I don’t know if you needed to hear this today," Jen B said. "I needed to hear this today. We can lower the bar, we don’t have to be constantly entertaining our kids, we can give them space to entertain themselves.”

The comments on the video contain astute commentary.

One commenter wonders if part of the reason we’re running ourselves ragged is to make up for what we felt was missing from our own childhoods.

“Part of me wonders if the reason we do this to ourselves is because we don’t have any memory of our parents playing with us like this,” writes Littleseel.

Another says she once heard that the amount of time put in by working parents today is more than stay-at-home-parents of the '50s.

“I heard somewhere that working parents today spend 50% more time entertaining kids than SAHMs did in the '50s,” writes laura.b823.

“I believe that stat,” 8thdayformomonly responded.

While we didn’t find a study citing working parents today versus stay-at-home moms in the 50s, this study from 2016 shows the amount of time parents spend with their children doubled for moms and quadrupled for dads between 1965 and 2012.

And then, of course, there’s the question of whether this level of attention is in the children's best interests. After all, they need to learn to keep themselves occupied and to work through boredom. Commenter little_beast_miguel writes, “It’s also important to let them entertain themselves to learn not to rely on their parents for literally everything."

There is a school of thought that a more laissez-faire, hands-off approach dubbed “benign neglect” helps foster a greater sense of independence and self-reliance.

“The benign neglect movement seems to be a backswing from helicopter parenting, which encouraged coddling millennials and Gen Zs throughout childhood,” NYU Langone Health child psychologist Yamalis Diaz told The New York Post.

Actress Jennifer Garner is a big proponent of this style of parenting.

jennifer garner, ben affleck, parenting

Jennifer Garner believes in "benign neglect"

Karon Liu/Wikimeda Commons

In a Today Show appearance, the actress, who raises three children with her ex, Ben Affleck, said, “I want to be around. But I also think it’s OK if they suffer from a little bit of benign neglect. Their lives are their own. I’m not trying to live their life, and I don’t mind that they see that I love mine.”

As with anything, though, balance is key.

Benign neglect is not the same as actual neglect.

Says Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, a neuropsychologist in New York and the Director of Comprehensive Consultation Psychological Services to Parents. “It's a balance between freedom and safety, ensuring that children have the space to grow while maintaining a secure environment.”









Jennifer Garner believes in "benign neglect"

Karon Liu/Wikimeda Commons

In a Today Show appearance, the actress, who raises three children with her ex, Ben Affleck, said, “I want to be around. But I also think it’s OK if they suffer from a little bit of benign neglect. Their lives are their own. I’m not trying to live their life, and I don’t mind that they see that I love mine.”

As with anything, though, balance is key.

Benign neglect is not the same as actual neglect.

Says Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, a neuropsychologist in New York and the Director of Comprehensive Consultation Psychological Services to Parents. “It's a balance between freedom and safety, ensuring that children have the space to grow while maintaining a secure environment.”

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All photos courtesy of Biofinity Energys®

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References

    1. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6020759/
    2. https://www.reviewob.com/how-many-americans-experience-digital-eye-strain/
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    Family

    Apple's giving people the tools to help them use their iPhones less. You read that right.

    For over a decade, Apple's done everything in its power to keep your eyes, ears, and fingers glued to your cellphone. This makes their latest feature a little puzzling.

    Tucked away in iOS 12, the mid-2018 iteration of Apple's mobile operating system, is a feature called Screen Time. This feature will monitor user activity about app usage, time spent on the device, and more. It will also allow people to set limits for themselves. Parental controls are nothing new when it comes to pieces of tech, but Screen Time is a little different in that it's not necessarily for children.

    "With Screen Time, these new tools are empowering users who want help managing their device time and balancing the many things that are important to them," Craig Federighi, Apple's senior vice president of software engineering, said during the product announcement. In effect, Apple is giving users the option to limit themselves and the time spent on their devices.

    A look at what Apple's Screen Time feature will look like on iPhone. Image from Apple.

    The need for Screen Time illustrates a growing consciousness around the issue of tech addiction.

    It may sound silly, but people are becoming increasingly dependent on mobile devices. Figures vary, but it's estimated that the average U.S. adult spends somewhere around four hours on their phones and tablets each day, a number that's climbed higher in recent years. Whether it's actually an "addiction" is up for debate (it's not currently listed in the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), but it and similar technology-related issues are being studied.

    Whether or not tech can actually be addictive, there's a lot of data to suggest that it's just simply not great for our health in large doses.

    If tech addiction doesn't exist, it's not for a lack of trying.

    In a November interview with Axios, Sean Parker, an early investor in Facebook and its first president, explained the driving question behind the company's development: "How do we consume as much of your time and conscious attention as possible?"

    "That means that we need to sort of give you a little dopamine hit every once in a while, because someone liked or commented on a photo or a post or whatever. And that's going to get you to contribute more content, and that's going to get you ... more likes and comments. It's a social-validation feedback loop ... exactly the kind of thing that a hacker like myself would come up with, because you're exploiting a vulnerability in human psychology."

    To be fair, getting people to use a product as much as possible isn't exactly a remarkable goal for any company. Facebook just succeeded in ways other businesses haven't.

    Sean Parker addresses a conference in 2017. Photo by Theo Wargo/Getty Images for Global Citizen.

    Some in the tech industry are finally asking questions and drawing conclusions about the long-term effects of dependency on technology.

    Former Facebook vice president of user growth Chamath Palihapitiya told an audience at Stanford University that the "short-term, dopamine-driven feedback loops we've created" pose a threat to society as a whole. "No civil discourse, no cooperation; misinformation, mistruth. And it's not an American problem — this is not about Russian ads. This is a global problem."

    During its 2018 I/O conference, Google acknowledged that technology as we currently know it comes with some downsides. "Great technology should improve life, not distract from it," the company's Digital Wellbeing website proclaims. This new suite of tools, similar to Apple's Screen Time, comes with a simple goal: Ensure that "life, not the technology in it, stays front and center."

    Without a doubt, tools like those in Google's Digital Wellbeing and Apple's Screen Time are a good thing. But they're probably not enough.

    In his 2016 TED Talk on how "better tech could protect us from distraction," former Google design ethicist Tristan Harris laid out a plan to "restore choice" in the relationship we have with technology. The goal is to convince companies to pursue a metric of "time well spent" rather than simply time spent. Harris called on companies to judge their success on the company's "net positive contribution to human life," on designers to resist the urge to simply create unproductive time-sucks, and on consumers to "demand technology that works this way."

    A healthier relationship with technology requires companies to rethink their businesses as a whole. Tools like Digital Wellbeing and Screen Time on their own don't address the underlying issue.

    If you feel like you're having a tough time reducing your time on your mobile devices and you want to cut back, there are simple things you can do right now.

    As co-founder and executive director at the Center for Humane Technology, Harris advocates for better design. The organization's website is full of great resources, but none better and more instantly applicable than its list of ways to "live more intentionally with your devices." Here are five suggestions for ways you can cut back on mobile device dependence:

    1. Manage your notifications.

    CHT recommends turning off all notifications for everything except messaging apps, text, and email.

    2. Change your display to black, white, and gray.

    Did you know that you can make your iPhone display grayscale? CHT outlines how to do that, removing some of the bright colors that demand our attention.

    3. Sleep with your phone in a different room.

    Not only do phones have a nasty habit of keeping us up late when we're trying to sleep, but waking up next to one reinforces a habit that starts the day diving headfirst into technology.

    4. Reorganize your home screen.

    Think about what apps you spend a lot of time mindlessly browsing. Now move them to the second screen. CHT suggests using the home screen for "apps you use for quick in-and-out tasks."

    5. Use available tools and apps to help you.

    Tools like Digital Wellbeing, Screen Time, and third-party apps are designed to reduce distraction. Did you know that there's an app you can download that temporarily locks you out of other apps? How about an extension that blocks out Facebook's newsfeed? There are loads of productivity apps that  make your phone usage a bit more deliberate without having to cut yourself off from technology entirely.

    Apple CEO Tim Cook appears at Apple's 2018 Worldwide Developers Conference. Photo by Apple.

    Technology can be wonderful, and social media can connect us in powerful new ways, but remember that too much of a good thing can have its downsides.

    No one is saying that you shouldn't use the internet or your smartphone. Those things are simply a part of people's lives now. What you should do, if you want to, is set boundaries for yourself. If even the companies whose profits depend on getting people hooked on the use of their products are taking steps to help you dial things back, it's probably worth a shot.

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