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Mom claims she has the 'key' to being a great mother-in-law, and it's way too accurate

It's all about finding new ways to be happy.

toxic mother in law, mil, parenting, boundaries, toxic mil, mother in law, motherhood, family, mom advice
@millennialmatleave/TikTok

"Fill you own cup" is good advice for nearly every situation, isn't it?

It may come as a surprise to many of us, but not every mother-in-law disregards boundaries, questions their kid’s parenting styles, tries to manipulate, and so on and so forth. But there’s a reason why the stereotype exists. Plenty of couples have their own horror stories of being on the receiving end of toxic MIL behavior.

But for those who want to avoid being that stereotype, Janelle Marie on TikTok believes she has found the “key.” And it’s all about filling your own cup. “Fill your dang cup. Something outside of your children that makes you feel good, makes you feel fulfilled, makes you feel happy,” Janelle begins in a TikTok.

@heyjanellemarie Lets get some hobbies girls…..you know, when you can find a single free moment #hobbies #motherinlaw #toxicmotherinlaw #relationshipadvice #parentingtips #lifehack #grandparents #inlaws #parenting #boymom ♬ original sound - Janelle Marie

That means that besides devoting your identity towards nurturing kids, you should be “nurturing” your marriage, as well as other relationships, like friendships, she notes.

“I unfortunately feel like a number of mothers-in-law that are feeling really confused about this role of mother-in-law or dissatisfied with the role of mother-law, and it ends up meaning that they act in a way that comes across as desperate or controlling or with guilt trips — women who don’t have enough going on outside of their relationship and their role as a mom. And so when their kids grow up, they’re ill-equipped to replace that relationship with other things.”

Janelle concludes by acknowledging it’s “easier said than done,” and reiterates that she isn’t trying to place blame, but rather just point out that “it’s something we need to be aware of.” There are many mothers who have graduated to mother-in-law status and have built their entire identity around being a parent. It has to be a shock to the system to realize that you must find a new outlet in life for personal fulfillment. But it's probably what's best for themselves and their children.


Generate ALT toxic mother in law, mil, parenting, boundaries, toxic mil, mother in law, motherhood, family, mom advice A mother-in-law eavesdropping.Photo credit: Canva


In the comments, folks clearly resonate with Janell’s stance—many have MILs of their own who could really benefit from a hobby or a friend circle.

“My MIL’s hobby was getting into my marriage,” quipped one viewer.

“My toxic mother-in-law has had zero friends in the 18 years I’ve known her,” said another.

A few MILs even chimed in. One shared, “I noticed I got too involved/emotional/bothered by my son’s relationship and immediately looked in the mirror! Poured that energy into my marriage, friends, and hobbies.”

“OMG, you’re right,” reflected another. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m a good MIL, I don’t meddle or overstep, but boy do I struggle. I definitely need to get a hobby!”

It must be hard to create a new identity

As we know, it can be hard for any mom to not lose themselves in the demands of raising a child. And only up until recently were women allowed by society to see themselves as anything beyond being a mother. Self-care is also a fairly new concept for everyone. It is understandable that many MILs find themselves in this struggle without adequate coping mechanisms.

But still, if the goal really is to maintain loving, healthy family relationships, it’s crucial to be mindful of any self-sabotaging behaviors and continue working through those insecurities.

mother in law, father in law, wine, dinner, happy family, son in law, daighter in law A couple enjoying a nice meal with their in-laws.via Canva/Photos


For those looking to be the best mother-in-law they can be, here are a few pieces of advice:

Don't make it about you

It can be difficult to accept that you might not be the number one woman in your kid’s life anymore, but it’s important both for you and the couple that those potential feelings of rejection get reframed. After all, there's truly no love lost. The love has just been expanded into new areas.

@heyjanellemarie Mother-In-Law Support Line: Grandma Shower……we have a new character, the MIL has entered the chat 😏 Story submitted by sadly more than one follower 😳 #satire #motherinlaw #toxicmotherinlaw #babyshower #newmom #expectingmom #etiquette ♬ original sound - Janelle Marie


Use your words to uplift, not criticize

Words are powerful. Use them wisely. A little compliment now and then goes a long way. Remember, it's not your place to pass judgment on your adult children, unless it's a life-or-death situation.

Back off

Let the couple raise their kids and solve their problems as they see fit. Trust that you can let them handle their own. Even when intentions are good, offers of help without being asked for it can be seen as criticism. Also, remember that times change and so do attitudes towards parenting. Kids in the 2020s may not benefit from many 1980s tactics.

@heyjanellemarie I’m a Daughter-In-Law…… #daughterinlaw #satire #motherinlaw #inlaws #marriage #millennials ♬ original sound - Janelle Marie


Invite and Include

Leaving people out leads to resentment. Always invite kids and their spouses to performances, graduations, birthday celebrations, and other family events, even if you don't think they want to or can attend.

And, of course…fill your own cup.

This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

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Science

Her groundbreaking theory on the origin of life was rejected 15 times. Then biology proved her right.

Lynn Margulis had the audacity to challenge Darwin. And we're lucky she did.

lynn margulis, lynn margulis symbiosis, biology, scientific breakthroughs, darwin, darwinism, women in science
Facts That Will Blow Your Mind/Facebook

A photo of Lynn Margulis.

Throughout her prolific and distinguished career, biologist Lynn Margulis made several groundbreaking contributions to science that we take for granted as common knowledge today. For example, she championed James E. Lovelock’s “Gaia concept,” which posited that the Earth self-regulates to maintain conditions for life.

But by far, her most notable theory was symbiogenesis. While it was first written off as “strange” and “aesthetically pleasing” but “not compelling,” it would ultimately prevail, and completely rewrite how we viewed the origin of life itself.

In the late 1960s, Margulis wrote a paper titled "On the Origin of Mitosing Cells," that was quite avant-garde. In it, she proposed a theory: that life evolved through organisms merging together to become inseparable.

In essence, cooperation is the driver of life, not competition and domination. This directly went against Darwin’s “survival of the fittest” principle that was considered gospel in scientific circles. Margulis’ paper was rejected by fifteen journals before getting accepted into the Journal of Theoretical Biology.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Time would be on Margulis’ side, however. By the late ‘70s and early ‘80s, research proved that the two major building blocks of plants and animals, chloroplasts and mitochondria were at one time independent bacteria. This solidified the fact that on a biological level, connection trumps autonomy for longevity. And now that fact is written in textbooks, with no real story of the adversity it overcame to get there.

While it is customary for most new scientific theories to be met with criticism, especially those that completely shift the current narrative, many have noted that sexism played a key part in Margulis’ initial lack of acceptance. On more than one occasion, she herself had hinted that women were seen as mothers and wives first, and scientists second. She recalled that while married to fellow scientist Carl Sagan that “Carl would finish his sentence, unperturbed” while she was expected to “handle all the duties of a 1950s housewife, from washing dishes to paying the household bills.”

And yet, Margulis would have other ideas that were controversial that had nothing to do with her gender. Most famously, she did not believe that AIDS was caused by HIV, and instead believed it was cause by a syphilis-causing type of bacteria, despite there already being decades of research proving otherwise. That view was seen as an endorsement of AIDS denialism, which undermined prevention and treatment effort. Then later in life, Margulis became a vocal proponent of 9/11 conspiracy theories suggesting government involvement the in Twin Towers attacks.

And yet, perhaps this is one of those “you gotta take the good with the bad” situations. Margulis’ inherent contrarian nature gave us both these unfounded, even harmful stances, in addition to entirely new paradigms that altered our understanding of life itself.

And if nothing else, it illuminated the need for science to include multiple points of view in order to unlock the truth. It seems life is, after all, about coming together.

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We asked people to share books that changed their life. Here are 12 top reads.

The power of a good book is unmatched.

reading, books, life-changing books, self-help books, read more
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Books are powerful.

As a participant in the Amazon Associates affiliate program, Upworthy may earn proceeds from items purchased that are linked to this article, at no additional cost to you.

Out of all human inventions, books might just be the greatest. That's a bold statement in the face of computers, the Internet, and the International Space Station, but none of those things would be possible without books. The written record of human knowledge has allowed our learning advancements to be passed down through generations, not to mention how incredible it is that we're able to capture human creativity through longform storytelling.

Books have the power to change our lives on a fundamental level, shift our thinking, influence our beliefs, put us in touch with our feelings, and help us understand ourselves and one another better. That's why, in January 2024, we asked Upworthy's audience to share a book that changed their life. Thousands of responses later, we have a list of inspiring reads that rose to the top.

Unsurprisingly, the most common responses were religious scriptures—the Bible, the Quran, the Book of Mormon, etc. Beyond those, here are the most common books, both fiction and non-fiction, that people considered life-changing.

1. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho, author, books, life-changing books The Alchemist by Paulo CoelhoAmazon

"From the very first page, Coelho's storytelling prowess weaves a tapestry of adventure, wisdom, and self-discovery that is unparalleled. The protagonist's quest for his personal legend resonated deeply with me, prompting introspection into my own aspirations and purpose. The narrative, while seemingly a simple tale, unravels layers of universal truths and timeless wisdom that are applicable to every reader's journey." – Matt Brown

"Such greatness. Coelho tells the story with simplicity and elegance, and it is beautiful. The Alchemist is rhetorical kind of book that stays with you, and demands some time to unfold in your mind. Loved it!" – J. Green

Find The Alchemist on Amazon.

2. The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz, author, books, life-changing books The Four Agreements by Don Miguel RuizAmazon

"This book literally changed my outlook on so many things. I’ve read it at least three times completely through. It helps deal with anxiety and helps you reframe and analyze your thoughts which may be troubling you. The writing style is great and I’ve already read other books by the same author. Would highly recommend purchasing this if you want to rethink your assumptions about yourself or other people." – Freddy

"By far the best book I’ve read. The simplicity in composition and detail is amazing. Would recommend everyone have a read. This book is truly a masterpiece." – Joshua

Find The Four Agreements on Amazon.

3. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee, author, books, life-changing books To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper LeeAmazon

"I remember reading the book many years ago and being moved by it especially being from the North and not as familiar with racism. I wondered why some schools were banning it so decided to revisit. I had forgotten the details but it is still an important book and reminds us that the fight against all prejudice is never finished and its current resurgence is cause for concern. This book should be required reading at a pretty young age. We can’t change what we don’t understand. If you have children read it with them and teach them well." – Maria

"I can’t imagine, for the life of me, why this book has been banned. It is the most moral and righteous book I’ve ever read. It represents a time in our history when racism was endemic to the white population except for one compassionate lawyer. Told from his children’s point of view with an unforgettable narrator, the story of a small southern town comes alive." – Peggy

Find To Kill a Mockingbird on Amazon.

4. The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle, author, books, life-changing books The Power of Now by Eckhart TolleAmazon

"This has become a true icon in the book of books on understanding how the mind works and how we become trapped in it. A must read." – Bill C.

"This book helped me through the toughest time in my life. It was an easy read, but ultimately, it helped me open my mind to many things and see things from multiple perspectives. My life coach recommended this book, and I'm happy that she did. It truly did save my life." – Coach J.

Find The Power of Now on Amazon.

5. The Midnight Library by Matt Haig

The Midnight Library, Matt Haig, author, books, life-changing books The Midnight Library by Matt Haig assets.rebelmouse.io

"I did not expect to enjoy this book so much. I very much admire the writer's prowess in creating a beautiful and inspiring story out of a depressing premise and what I admire even more is the perspective he has given me about life." – Ashish S.

"The Midnight Library by Matt Haig is nothing short of a literary masterpiece that effortlessly weaves together the threads of life, regret, and the boundless possibilities that lie in our choices. This No.1 Sunday Times bestseller and worldwide phenomenon is a soul-stirring exploration of the human experience that lingers in the reader's mind long after the final page." – George L.

Find The Midnight Library on Amazon.

6. Atomic Habits by James Clear

Atomic Habits, James Clear, author, books, life-changing books Atomic Habits by James ClearAmazon

"Atomic Habits by James Clear isn't just a book; it's a roadmap to personal excellence. Deserving a resounding 5 out of 5 stars, this masterpiece has profoundly impacted my approach to habit formation and personal development." – Ahamed

"Whether you're looking to break free from destructive habits, achieve ambitious goals, or simply lead a more fulfilling life, this book is a must-read. Clear's insights have the power to ignite change and propel you towards the best version of yourself." – SC

Find Atomic Habits on Amazon.

7. Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom

Tuesdays with Morrie, Mitch Albom, author, books, life-changing books Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch AlbomAmazon

"I wish I had read this book earlier. It teaches to love those in your life with everything you have. We never know when life will take them away. Our parents will continue to age. Our friends will drift away. We will end up driving away the ones we say 'I love you' to. It’s not too late to tell them how much you love them. It’s not too late to show them how much you love them. If you share your love before it’s too late, you won’t live your life with regret." – P.M.

"Mitch Albom is my favorite author. Tuesdays with Morrie did not disappoint. Please please read this book. It is heartwarming, inspirational and will make you do an introspection that will change your priorities. I promise." – A.C.

Find Tuesdays with Morrie on Amazon.

8. Untamed by Glennon Doyle

Untamed, Glennon Doyle, author, books, life-changing books Untamed by Glennon DoyleAmazon

"By page 16, I’d already sobbed, laughed, sobbed, reconsidered who I am, how I live my life, and what I’m doing next, and cried again. So much fire lit. This is a masterpiece. Thank the universe (and Glennon) it published now. Lord knows we need this now. It is already one of my top favorite books ever, and I read a lot. Like, a LOT." – Anna S.

"Untamed is a powerful and empowering memoir that delves deep into themes of self-discovery, authenticity, and breaking free from societal expectations. Doyle's writing is raw, honest, and deeply relatable. From the moment I started reading, I felt a connection to her journey and the struggles she navigates. One of the standout qualities of this book is Doyle's ability to articulate complex emotions and thoughts in a way that resonates with readers. Her insights into the expectations placed on women, the constraints of traditional roles, and the journey to reclaiming one's true self are both enlightening and inspiring." – Frank C.

Find Untamed on Amazon.

9. Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl

Man's Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl, author, books, life-changing book Man's Search for Meaning by Victor FranklAmazon

"Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl is a poignant exploration of resilience under the most testing conditions. As a Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist, Frankl intertwines his concentration camp experiences with his psychological expertise. Central to the book is the idea of logotherapy, which posits that finding meaning in life is the primary human drive. Frankl's narrative transcends its historical context, offering timeless insights into human endurance and the quest for purpose. The book is especially impactful for those facing personal adversities, as it highlights the power of choice and perspective in shaping one's destiny." – Neal W.

"This little one hundred page book is perhaps the most meaningful and profound that you can ever read. Disturbing, yet full of 'tragic optimism,' this book will change the way you think about life, happiness, and meaning." – Paige T.

Find Man's Search for Meaning on Amazon.

10. The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer

The Untethered Soul, Michael A Singer, author, books, life-changing books The Untethered Soul by Michael A. SingerAmazon

"Michael A. Singer's The Untethered Soul is a literary masterpiece that has left an indelible mark on my journey of self-discovery. I stumbled upon this gem through a TikTok video recommendation, and I am profoundly grateful that I did." – Matt B.

"This book encapsulates every spiritual book I’ve read into a concise oneness! Everyone would benefit in some way by reading this book. Period." – Joe S.

Find The Untethered Soul on Amazon.

11. The Giver by Lois Lowry

The Giver, Lois Lowry, author, books, life-changing books The Giver by Lois LowryAmazon

"Brought this book since my daughter had to read it for school and I always like to know what are they are teaching her. I am going to be honest very surprise that they are giving this kind of story to a 8th grader since the story is very intense, surprising, sad but at the same time beautiful and teach the real meaning of love and sacrifice. That live in an idealistic world does not work and it's never better than having love in your live." – Marla

"The way Lois slowly introduces us into her idyllic and yet cruel world is simply amazing. The end of the book has left me completely moved and flabbergasted." – Nathan S.

Find The Giver on Amazon.

12. The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch

The Last Lecture, Randy Pausch, author, books, life-changing books The Last Lecture by Randy PauschAmazon

"I’ve read this book twice now. Once at 18 and now again at 33! Both time it hits deep. Fantastic read!" – A.C.

"Professor Randy Pausch was diagnosed with terminal cancer. In response, Pausch wrote and delivered one last lecture--a self-help guide on living life with purpose and meaning. But his lecture wasn't really for his students or for the world, although it's been a massive bestseller. It was for his children.

One of my favorite books of all-time, with one of my favorite lines of all time. 'If I could only give three words of advice, they'd be, 'Tell the truth.' If I got three more, they'd be, 'All the time.' --Randy Pausch" – Phil W.

Find The Last Lecture on Amazon.

This article originally appeared two years ago. It has been updated.

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15 years ago, a Russian gymnast was interrupted by her 2-year-old daughter. It became a historic performance.

"This is beyond beautiful. 🥲"

dance, motherhood, mommy daughter dance, mother daughter relationship, parenting, wholesome
Umi4ika/Youtube

Svetlana Putintseva with her daughter Masha.

In 2005 at only 18 years old, Russian rhythmic gymnast Svetlana Putintseva became a world champion, after which she retired and eventually became a mom. Then, in 2011, Putintseva came out of retirement for one special Gala performance.

Little did anyone know that her then two-year-old daughter named Masha would be the key to making that performance so special.

As the story goes, the young child refused to leave her side that night. But rather than stopping the performance, Putintseva did what so many incredible moms do: she masterfully held space for two different identities.

As we see in the video below, Putintseva simply brought Masha onto the dance floor and incorporated her into the routine—holding and comforting her at times, performing impressive moves while she ran around at others…letting it all become a lively, endearing interaction rather than a rote routine. It became something really touching:

Watch:

Now, a bit of fact-checking as this video has once again started going viral. Despite what many captions say, Putintseva‘s daughter was likely always a planned part of the performance (the tiny leotard is a bit of a giveaway). But that doesn’t really take away from the message behind it: motherhood weaves another soul into one's identity, forever. And one of the biggest lessons it teaches is how to hold someone else steady, all while becoming ourselves.

Every day, moms are engaging in a similar type of “dance”: navigating through the world while guiding and nurturing their little ones. It probably doesn't always feel quite as graceful as what Putintseva put out, and, yet, it is just as beautiful.

dance, motherhood, mommy daughter dance, mother daughter relationship, parenting, wholesome A mother hugging her daughter.Photo credit: Canva

Maybe so many thought it was an improvised moment because improvising is a very real parent superpower. That’s certainly the takeaway we get from some of these lovely comments:

“You cannot control life but you can learn to dance with it. 🤍”

"This is beyond beautiful. 🥲"

“If this isn't a metaphor for motherhood. We improvise so much.”

“A mother’s unconditional love 🥹❤️ She just made my whole month.”

“I do this sometimes while deejaying. My daughter comes up so I hit the slicer and let her chop it up. A few chops and she is happy and goes about her business. 🥰”

“I can see my daughter doing this to me soon whenever I get up on stage on perform. She already stares long and hard at me whenever I am onnstage singing. She doesn't take her eyes off me. Sure she would be running up to stand with me when she starts walking 😂😂 i look forward to it tho”

“Sobbing 😭😭😭😭 As a dancer who hasn’t performed since having a kid, this inspires me in so many ways 🥹🥹 So beautiful and it’s clear that she admires her mom so much 🥰”

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Though not much is written on Putintseva following this performance, one blog post says that Masha has followed in her footsteps by getting into rhythmic gymnastics. Maybe it all started with this one performance. ❤️

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Why people are longing for the old Scottish habit of 'hurkle-durkling' to finally get good rest

You might have already hurkle-durkled this week without knowing it.

rest, relaxation, sleep, hurkle durkle, staying in bed
Photo credit: Canva

Who says we need to rush out of bed every morning?

Your alarm clock goes off. You hit "snooze," roll over, and pull the covers up over your shoulders. When the alarm goes off again, you turn it off, but you don't get up. The day awaits, but your bed is warm and cozy, and the idea of getting out of it appeals to exactly zero of your senses. So you linger in bed a little longer, relishing a few more minutes of peaceful rest.

If this scene sounds familiar, you are already familiar with "hurkle-durkle," even though you may not have ever heard the term. Hurkle-durkling simply means to stay in bed long past the time when you “should” already be up. It’s a Scottish term dating back to the 1800s, originally having more to do with sitting in a crouching position either for warmth or secrecy, but it eventually took on a more relaxed and positive connotation.

@kirakosarin

hurkle-durkle, u deserve it <3

How did hurkle-durkle make its way to the U.S.?

It’s a word that only the biggest etymology enthusiast would know had it not been plucked from obscurity thanks to TikTok. The hurkle-durkling trend seems to have started with actress Kira Kosarin when she shared it as her “word of the day.” “I do be hurkling," she joked, "and I do be durkling and once I’ve hurkled my last durkle in a given morning I will get up, but I’m a big fan of a hurkle-durkle."

Kosarin’s clip prompted others to share videos of themselves enjoying a good hurkle-durkling, blissfully wrapped in their sheets, basking in the sunlight, leisurely reading, etc. One woman hailing from Scotland even joked, “[The Scottish] knew it was so critical to well-being they made a whole term about it. So, no, I’m not being lazy or wasting my life. I’m practicing an ancestral right of passage. I’m connecting with my culture and heritage.”

It sounds awesome, refreshing, and freeing...but at this point, you might be thinking, Wait, isn’t this just bed-rotting?

rest, relaxation, hurkle durkle, staying in bed, reading Hurkle-durkling is different than bed-rotting.Photo credit: Canva

Is hurkle-durkling just another word for bed-rotting?

Bed-rotting, another TikTok trend about lying in bed, and hurkle-durkling are similar, but have very different contexts. Bed-rotting has more to do with symptoms of burnout and fatigue, whereas hurkle-durkling is a bit more hygge, if you will. It’s seen as a pleasurable activity meant to promote rest for overall well-being. Plus, a hurkle-durkle has an end in sight, whereas bed-rotting can take up an entire weekend, or longer.

No matter how silly "hurkle-durkle" sounds, it could be seriously good for us. A 2017 study found that sleeping in, even a couple of days a week, reduced the chances of a heart attack or stroke by 63%, especially for folks who get less than six hours of sleep through the rest of the week (so, everyone, basically). Not only that, but getting those few extra minutes of shut-eye from hitting the snooze can help increase alertness and boost our mood.

rest, relaxation, sleep, hurkle durkle, staying in bed Sleeping in occasionally can have some health benefits. Photo credit: Canva

How often should you hurkle-durkle?

Really, as with any self-care practice, balance is key. Experts warn against staying in bed as an everyday practice or to avoid responsibilities and uncomfortable feelings, especially as too much inactivity can worsen feelings of depression. In some cases, sleeping in can also be dangerous to your health because many people tend to sleep in or oversleep as a way to "catch up" on the sleep they may have missed throughout the week. Experts suggest adults get seven to nine hours of sleep per night. Failing to do so can accumulate over time and lead to sleep debt, which is hard to escape and can increase the risk of health issues like obesity, heart disease, and more. In short, sleeping in on weekends is okay when done mindfully and moderately; in this context, it can actually be the rejuvenation we long for and that too many of us don’t grant ourselves.

In fact, Kristin Wilson, a licensed professional counselor and chief experience officer, told Yahoo Life that perhaps so many people are leaning into silly, catchy terms like "hurkle-durkle" because they make rest and self-care (activities many Americans "are hesitant to celebrate and fully embrace”) more accessible. Popular accounts like The Nap Ministry and Self Care is for Everyone on Instagram prove that social media can play a major role in making self-care accessible and acceptable, with each account sporting 556 thousand and one million followers, respectively.

"Sometimes our bodies just need a break, and we don’t want to feel guilty about taking time to rest," Wilson explained. "Giving this behavior a clever social media name can make it feel more socially acceptable and when it trends and becomes popular, it normalizes the need for relaxation within the community of followers."

So with that, show yourself some love with a little hurkle-durkle. It’s fun to say, and oh so important to do.

This article originally appeared two years ago. It has been updated.

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People are finally talking about their sneaky techniques for pooping at someone else's house

Courtesy flush, yay or nay?

bathroom, hygiene, poop, etiquette, manners, house, candles, toilet, wellness, mental health, public health
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Lighting a candle? That's basic compared to these advanced tips for pooping in public.

Poop anxiety isn't the most heavily studied medical field, but some estimates say up to a third of people suffer from some kind of anxiety around going to the bathroom in a public place or another person's home. That's not to be confused, of course, with anxiety poops; or the sudden urge to use the bathroom due to gut reactions to stress.

On the low end, people who suffer from pooping anxiety can feel ashamed or embarrassed. At the higher end, they may avoid social functions, public events, or leaving their own home entirely. This phenomenon also tends to affect women more than men. For some people, the worry gets so bad that they constipate themselves or refuse to eat, all because they're worried of what people will think of their bowel movements.

But you don't have to have extreme "shy bowel" to know the uncertainty associated with feeling a rumbly tummy while you're a guest in someone's house. There are a lot of unknowns to manage. How good is their soundproofing? Does their toilet actually flush properly? Will someone be waiting to go in right after me? Some people anticipate these worries and come up with elaborate rules and routines to leave as little evidence of their go as possible.

A guy took a simple question to social media: Should you always courtesy flush when you're a guest in someone's house? The answer sparked a huge debate about the secret etiquette of public pooping.


bathroom, hygiene, poop, etiquette, manners, house, candles, toilet, wellness, mental health, public health A toilet can be a terrifying sight if you suffer from poop anxiety. Photo by Point3D Commercial Imaging Ltd. on Unsplash

In a thread on the subreddit r/NoStupidQuestions, the OP asked: "My mother tells me that at other people's houses, when going to the bathroom, it's expected to do a 'courtesy flush'. Is this a real thing?"

For the uninitiated, a courtesy flush is when you flush halfway through your "go." The thinking is that it helps get rid of odors before they build up. Not only did the poster's mother advocate for courtesy flushing, she insisted on a very specific ritual when visiting other people's homes:

  1. Always carry Poopurri and spray before you go
  2. Flush halfway through your session
  3. Flush at the end (obviously)
  4. Clean toilet bowl with wand...every time!

If it sounds a little extreme to you, you're not alone.

However, some commenters were extremely pro-courtesy flush.

These are the kinds you have to think about if you visit someone else's house. But some people with bathroom anxiety live in public spaces like dorms or apartments with communal bathrooms, and it's a challenge for them every day. The courtesy flush is a commonly recommended practice by these folks.

"That’s good advice. First flush on delivery, second flush with clean up. Reduces odor and skid marks."

A few people noted that the courtesy flush is common in jails and prisons, of all places. Due to the tight (extremely tight) quarters, inmates are encouraged to repeatedly flush while they go. I don't want to know what the consequence might be for violating this code.

Others claimed the courtesy flush was a waste of water:

"Flushing twice seems very wasteful in my opinion. I would not like a guest to do that."

"No, please don't waste my water. But do make sure everything goes down."

"If someone did that at my house I'd be low key annoyed at them for wasting water."

Experts agree that the effectiveness of the courtesy flush is very much up for debate. Does it mildly lessen odor? Maybe. It's also a gigantic waste of water. Older toilets can use up to six gallons per flush—yikes! An extra flush is also questionable at best when it comes to sanitation—flushing poop with the lid open is known to spray bacteria all over the bathroom. Yuck.

"Everyone poops, I don't want my guests worrying about it," wrote one commenter. "Crack a window if it's like, lethally stinky, I guess. If you clog the toilet, the plunger is in a plastic tub right there. If you need help, cool, now we have a funny story."

The courtesy flush, however, was only the beginning of the OP's tips for pooping in public.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Some commenters were on board with OP's mother's idea of using the toilet brush if it's available:

"If there's some brown stuck to the porcelain after I flush, and if there's a toilet brush on hand, I give it a quick cleaning and a second flush. But not if things look clean otherwise," someone wrote.

Another commenter had an even more advanced idea: "You can also float a strip of toilet paper on top of the water before you poo. Gets wrapped in paper as you drop off your delivery and less likely to leave skid marks in the bowl."

Of course, commenters in threads all over the Internet sing the praises of Poo-Pourri, or even carrying a lighter with you at all times to burn up some of the stinky oxygen. And how's this for a pro-level tip?

"Tip for the courtesy flush.. if one who finds it hard to poop in a public bathroom because you don’t want people to hear you. Flush just right before you push and the sound of the water will cover the sound of gas etc and it will go right down with the water so very minimal smell."

Others insisted that they will seek out the furthest bathroom from the main area of activity, such as an upstairs bathroom, or one in the basement. "I'd say it's polite to not [go] in the downstairs toilets, especially during the day and if they open into living areas - which I suppose is the same as 'one for pee and one for poop'. It's mainly about not subjecting other people to your stench."

I mean, all you can do really is clap at the social-anxiety-fueled ingenuity on display. The experts seem to agree here. Even Healthline recommends carrying air purifier spray, lining the inside of the bowl with toilet paper to absorb sound, and flushing several times to reduce anxiety worries. Other "real world experts" on TikTok have no shortage of ingenious ideas:


@acooz31

tag urself…middle school angie is guitly of every single one of them #bathroom #bathroomcheck #publicbathroom

Whatever you do, just remember to wash your hands, especially if they're coming into contact with toilet water.

The general consensus is that, when pooping at someone's house, basic etiquette applies. Clean up after yourself to a normal degree, but remember, as the saying goes: Everybody poops.

Some people are really protective over the bathrooms in their homes, which is their right. But if that's the case, they really shouldn't be having guests over and expecting them not to partake in normal human biological behaviors.

Some of the advanced tips shared by anxious-pooers might help, but try not to send yourself into a tailspin trying to cover your tracks. In extreme cases of bathroom anxiety, experts say cognitive behavior therapy or even antidepressants may be needed. But the rest of us might just need to read that world famous children's book again.

This article originally appeared in last year. It has been updated.

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