The most expensive and shame-filled secret many of us will ever keep. It's time to tell the truth.
Men. Women. Children. Domestic violence can happen to anybody. The costs, both personally AND to society at large, are too much. Scroll the infographics and stay 'til the end to see the surprising answers to two of the most-asked questions abuse survivors hear.
What even is domestic violence?
Many times, victims are reluctant to acknowledge that what they experience is abuse. Abusers can be very adept at making their partner feel like they are equally (or totally) at fault.
Who does domestic violence happen to? Pretty much just women, right? WRONG.
Men are not immune from rape, stalking, and domestic violence AT ALL.
Also, look at the age for women most at risk. This tells us we need to do a better job arming our children with the facts they need about what abuse is and how to recognize early signs. A lot of people go into relationships with the proverbial rose-colored glasses. By the time they realize anything is amiss, their lives can be dauntingly entangled with their abuser's.
What happens when a child is raised in an abusive environment?
Lastly, you simply won't believe how we as a society pay for this widespread affliction we're not talking about.
If you don't believe these numbers, we invite you to explore the sources listed just above.
And finally, if you're asking yourself, "Why does anyone stay with an abuser?" or "Why don't they just leave?" here are the honest answers you probably wouldn't expect.
From Leslie Morgan Steiner:
"Why did I stay? The answer is easy. I didn't KNOW he was abusing me. Even though he held those loaded guns to my head, pushed me down stairs, threatened to kill our dog, pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway, poured coffee grounds on my head as I dressed for a job interview … I never once thought of myself as a battered wife. Instead, I was a very strong woman in love with a deeply troubled man, and I was the only person on earth who could help Connor face his demons."
"Why didn't I walk out? I could have left any time. To me this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask because we victims know something you usually don't. It's INCREDIBLY dangerous to leave an abuser because the final step in the domestic violence pattern is 'kill her.' Over 70% of domestic violence murders happen after the victim has ended the relationship, after she's gotten out. Because then the abuser has nothing left to lose. Other outcomes often include long-term stalking (even after the abuser remarries), denial of financial resources, and manipulation of the family court system to terrify the victim and her children who are regularly forced by family court judges to spend unsupervised time with the man who beat their mother. And still we ask, 'Why doesn't she just leave?'"
You can take a stand right now. Share this to help educate your friends, and consider volunteering at a local shelter or a hotline. Because domestic violence is happening all around us and victims are often too ashamed or scared to speak up. Inviting people to open up can do a world of good.
Tell your friends list: "If you're struggling with domestic violence, I'm a safe person you can tell." And if someone comes to you, help them find professionals who can advise them on next steps.
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12 non-threatening leadership strategies for women
We mustn't hurt a man's feelings.
Men and the feels.
Note: This an excerpt is from Sarah Cooper's book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings.
In this fast-paced business world, female leaders need to make sure they're not perceived as pushy, aggressive, or competent.
One way to do that is to alter your leadership style to account for the fragile male ego.
Should men accept powerful women and not feel threatened by them? Yes. Is that asking too much?
IS IT?
Sorry, I didn't mean to get aggressive there. Anyhoo, here are twelve non-threatening leadership strategies for women.
Encourage.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When setting a deadline, ask your coworker what he thinks of doing something, instead of just asking him to get it done. This makes him feel less like you're telling him what to do and more like you care about his opinions.
Sharing ideas.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When sharing your ideas, overconfidence is a killer. You don't want your male coworkers to think you're getting all uppity. Instead, downplay your ideas as just "thinking out loud," "throwing something out there," or sharing something "dumb," "random," or "crazy."
Email requests.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pepper your emails with exclamation marks and emojis so you don't come across as too clear or direct. Your lack of efficient communication will make you seem more approachable.
Idea sharing.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
If a male coworker steals your idea in a meeting, thank him for it. Give him kudos for how he explained your idea so clearly. And let's face it, no one might've ever heard it if he hadn't repeated it.
Sexism.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you hear a sexist comment, the awkward laugh is key. Practice your awkward laugh at home, with your friends and family, and in the mirror. Make sure you sound truly delighted even as your soul is dying inside.
Mansplain.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Men love explaining things. But when he's explaining something and you already know that, it might be tempting to say, "I already know that." Instead, have him explain it to you over and over again. It will make him feel useful and will give you some time to think about how to avoid him in the future.
Mistakes.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pointing out a mistake is always risky so it's important to always apologize for noticing the mistake and then make sure that no one thinks you're too sure about it. People will appreciate your "hey what do I know?!" sensibilities.
Promotions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Asking your manager for a promotion could make you seem power- hungry, opportunistic, and transparent. Instead, ask a male coworker to vouch for you. Have your coworker tell your manager you'd be great for the role even though you don't really want it. This will make you more likely to actually get that promotion.
Rude.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Sometimes not everyone is properly introduced at the start of a meeting. Don't take it personally even if it happens to you all the time, and certainly don't stop the meeting from moving forward to introduce yourself. Sending a quick note afterward is the best way to introduce yourself without seeming too self-important.
Interruptions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you get interrupted, you might be tempted to just continue talking or even ask if you can finish what you were saying. This is treacherous territory. Instead, simply stop talking. The path of least resistance is silence.
Collaboration.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When collaborating with a man, type using only one finger. Skill and speed are very off-putting.
Disagreements.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When all else fails, wear a mustache so everyone sees you as more man-like. This will cancel out any need to change your leadership style. In fact, you may even get a quick promotion!
In conclusion...
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Many women have discovered the secret power of non-threatening leadership. We call it a "secret power" because no one else actually knows about it. We keep our power hidden within ourselves so that it doesn't frighten and intimidate others. That's what makes us the true unsung heroes of the corporate world.
About the Author: Sarah Cooper
Sarah Cooper is a writer, comedian, and author of 100 Tricks to Appear Smart in Meetings. Her new book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings, is out now.
The comedic book cover.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
A satirical take on what it's like to be a woman in the workplace, Cooper draws from her experience as a former executive in the world of tech (she's a former Googler and Yahooer). You can get the book here.
This article was originally published on March 25, 2019.