Who do you want to be in ten years? Do you want to be someone who's more compassionate? More wealthy? Physically fit? Married? Less of a push-over? A better golfer? More spiritual?
Some of us who sincerely ask ourselves this question will be able to become the person they imagine while others will not. Why? According to scientific research, the difference between failure and success is the ability to create a clear vision of our future selves.
Those who achieve this vision are more likely to behave in ways that are conducive to reaching their goals.
To put it bluntly, if you have a strong mental visualization of a future you that is in shape, you will be less likely to eat a bag of donuts and smoke a pack of cigarettes today.
A major reason why people fail to visualize a future self is they don't believe they will change significantly. Psychologist Dan Gilbert explained this cognitive trap perfectly in his 2014 Ted Talk.
"Most of us can remember who we were 10 years ago, but we find it hard to imagine who we're going to be, and then we mistakenly think that because it's hard to imagine, it's not likely to happen," Gilbert said.
"Human beings are works in progress that mistakenly think they're finished," Gilbert continues. "The person you are right now is as transient, as fleeting and as temporary as all the people you've ever been. The one constant in our life is change."
The good news is that you are going to change over the next ten years. So the best thing to do is have a target to reach or else you will most likely be walking around in circles and changing in ways which you cannot control.
According to psychologist Hal Hershfield, the most important thing is to create a future self that you can relate to and see as yourself. If you visualize a future self that is completely different than your current self or one that isn't clearly articulated, you will fail to reach your goals.
"Seeing the future self as another person, albeit one who feels close to us now, may allow for more patient, long-term decision-making," Hershfield wrote. "Seeing the distant future self as an emotional stranger, however, may result in decisions that prioritize today over tomorrow."
Hershfeld and his colleagues were able to witness this disconnect between our current and future selves using fMRI technology. Participants who had a closer connection to the future self they visualized were more likely to make thoughtful financial decisions.
Those who thought their future self looked like another person, were more likely to think of their future self as a stranger. So they made financial decisions that were more reckless.
Benjamin Hardy, PhD says that the best way to become the future selves we desire is to harness the power of your identity.
"Identity is crucial for driving present behavior," Hardy wrote in Fast Company. "A core tenet in psychology is that the best way to predict a person's future behavior is by looking at their past behavior. However, when you've clarified your future self, and are actively chasing it … then your future — not your past — can be what is predicting your behavior.
Our personal identities are the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves and are so powerful they are nearly impervious. Identities are the reason why people with dogmatic political beliefs can be shown facts that contradict their opinions and still refuse to change.
via Unsplash
"The brain's primary responsibility is to take care of the body, to protect the body," Jonas Kaplan, a psychologist at the University of Southern California, told Vox. "The psychological self is the brain's extension of that. When our self feels attacked, our [brain is] going to bring to bear the same defenses that it has for protecting the body."
So imagine if you took the most stubborn part of yourself and programmed it to become the person you wish to be?
One way to get started is by writing a letter to your future self.
Make the future you in 5, 10 or 20 years your pen pal. Frequently write to them explaining who you are today and the person you hope to become. This will create a kinship with your future self and make it more likely for you to know what that person will want and desire.
Hardy also has a checklist of how to "define and become your future self."
Imagine who your future self is.
Hold your current identity more "loosely," knowing that who you are right now is temporary, not permanent.
Have the courage to admit what you truly want (tell people about your future self).
Use your new narrative, focused on your goals, to drive your daily decisions and behavior.
Measure your progress (deliberate practice).
Invest in your future self (escalation of commitment)
Never be defined by who you are right now.
Who is your future self?
Where will you be in 10 years?
Who are you "chasing"?
Research shows that you will definitely change over the next ten years. So now's the time to decide, will it be self-directed or the result of day-in and day-out behaviors done with no clear goal?
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12 non-threatening leadership strategies for women
We mustn't hurt a man's feelings.
Men and the feels.
Note: This an excerpt is from Sarah Cooper's book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings.
In this fast-paced business world, female leaders need to make sure they're not perceived as pushy, aggressive, or competent.
One way to do that is to alter your leadership style to account for the fragile male ego.
Should men accept powerful women and not feel threatened by them? Yes. Is that asking too much?
IS IT?
Sorry, I didn't mean to get aggressive there. Anyhoo, here are twelve non-threatening leadership strategies for women.
Encourage.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When setting a deadline, ask your coworker what he thinks of doing something, instead of just asking him to get it done. This makes him feel less like you're telling him what to do and more like you care about his opinions.
Sharing ideas.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When sharing your ideas, overconfidence is a killer. You don't want your male coworkers to think you're getting all uppity. Instead, downplay your ideas as just "thinking out loud," "throwing something out there," or sharing something "dumb," "random," or "crazy."
Email requests.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pepper your emails with exclamation marks and emojis so you don't come across as too clear or direct. Your lack of efficient communication will make you seem more approachable.
Idea sharing.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
If a male coworker steals your idea in a meeting, thank him for it. Give him kudos for how he explained your idea so clearly. And let's face it, no one might've ever heard it if he hadn't repeated it.
Sexism.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you hear a sexist comment, the awkward laugh is key. Practice your awkward laugh at home, with your friends and family, and in the mirror. Make sure you sound truly delighted even as your soul is dying inside.
Mansplain.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Men love explaining things. But when he's explaining something and you already know that, it might be tempting to say, "I already know that." Instead, have him explain it to you over and over again. It will make him feel useful and will give you some time to think about how to avoid him in the future.
Mistakes.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pointing out a mistake is always risky so it's important to always apologize for noticing the mistake and then make sure that no one thinks you're too sure about it. People will appreciate your "hey what do I know?!" sensibilities.
Promotions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Asking your manager for a promotion could make you seem power- hungry, opportunistic, and transparent. Instead, ask a male coworker to vouch for you. Have your coworker tell your manager you'd be great for the role even though you don't really want it. This will make you more likely to actually get that promotion.
Rude.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Sometimes not everyone is properly introduced at the start of a meeting. Don't take it personally even if it happens to you all the time, and certainly don't stop the meeting from moving forward to introduce yourself. Sending a quick note afterward is the best way to introduce yourself without seeming too self-important.
Interruptions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you get interrupted, you might be tempted to just continue talking or even ask if you can finish what you were saying. This is treacherous territory. Instead, simply stop talking. The path of least resistance is silence.
Collaboration.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When collaborating with a man, type using only one finger. Skill and speed are very off-putting.
Disagreements.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When all else fails, wear a mustache so everyone sees you as more man-like. This will cancel out any need to change your leadership style. In fact, you may even get a quick promotion!
In conclusion...
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Many women have discovered the secret power of non-threatening leadership. We call it a "secret power" because no one else actually knows about it. We keep our power hidden within ourselves so that it doesn't frighten and intimidate others. That's what makes us the true unsung heroes of the corporate world.
About the Author: Sarah Cooper
Sarah Cooper is a writer, comedian, and author of 100 Tricks to Appear Smart in Meetings. Her new book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings, is out now.
The comedic book cover.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
A satirical take on what it's like to be a woman in the workplace, Cooper draws from her experience as a former executive in the world of tech (she's a former Googler and Yahooer). You can get the book here.
This article was originally published on March 25, 2019.