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Tom Cruise has advice for people with social anxiety, and it's actually pretty great

His words had a "profound impact" on a co-star's life.

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Tom Cruise

Not only can Tom Cruise do his own stunts, he's a good therapist too. His Mission Impossible: Dead Reckoning Part One co-star, Haley Atwell, has revealed that she, like so many of us, struggles with social anxiety. On the Reign with Josh Smith podcast, she discusses how it often overwhelms her and makes her want to retreat.

Tom Cruise, mission impossible, stunt, stunt man, actor, filmTom Cruise Mi GIF by Mission: ImpossibleGiphy

But she was saved by incredibly insightful advice from Tom Cruise, which she imparts to the audience. After describing him as a positive "hair dryer" just blowing his positive energy around, Josh asks, "What's the best pep talk he's given you?" Haley answers, "Social anxiety tends to be something that people talk about a lot at the moment. It seems to be quite a buzzword of conversation."

They both agree that everyone has some version of anxiety, whether it's in a big group of people, a new work environment, or even just around a small group of friends. She confesses, "For me, I start to retreat into myself and overthink. 'Do I look weird? Do I seem awkward?' I'm not speaking, I'm just muffling my words or I need something to numb me from this.'"

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Luckily, Cruise has quite a simple way to combat these feelings. "The pep talk he gave me helps, which is that if you walk into a room and feel the anxieties coming, try doing the opposite. Try to look OUT and look around the room and go, 'Where is it? Where is the thing I have attached to my insecurity?'"

The idea is to pinpoint the place where her (or any of our) anxiety might be rooted. "Is it that person over there who reminds me of my high school bully? Is it that person over there who didn't give me a job once?" Once the source is recognized, if possible, Cruise suggests asking yourself, "Where does it live outside of me, and where do I feel like the source might be coming from?"

Haley emphasizes that examining her fear, which Cruise encourages, truly helps the anxiety subside. She continues, "If I look at it for long enough, the anxiety then can have a name. It can have a label and be contained, instead of free-floating, where I'm just in a total struggle internally with my own anxiety." Seeing through this prism, she shares, "If I’m scared of something, if I keep looking at it long enough, it tends to not be the monster under the bed anymore."


Actress, Hayley Atwell, social anxiety, mental health, actingFile:Hayley Atwell.jpg - Wikimedia Commonscommons.wikimedia.org

Naming the emotion, whether it's jealousy, loneliness, etc., can help you outwardly address it so that it doesn't fester in your mind. She reiterates Cruise's words: "If you're scared of something, just keep looking at it. Try not to look away, and it will often give you information about how to overcome it."

Cruise's advice isn't all that different from many professional therapists. In the blog post, "How to overcome social anxiety: 8 tips and strategies" (clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA, for Calm.com,) ideas on how to overcome social anxiety are given and number one on the list could have been written by Cruise himself: "Identify your triggers," they write, explaining, "The first step to managing social anxiety is understanding what sparks it. Triggers can be unique to each person. Some might find large gatherings intimidating, while for others, it might be public speaking. To identify your triggers, keep a journal of your feelings and the situations that make you anxious. Recognizing these triggers is a crucial step in managing your reactions to them."


- YouTubewww.youtube.com

They also suggest, among other ideas, breathing techniques such as the 4-7-8 method: breathing in for 4 seconds, holding for 7, and breathing out for 8. They also advise "challenging negative thought patterns." They explain, "Practice challenging these thoughts. Ask yourself: 'Is this thought based on facts or feelings? What's the best thing that could happen?' Replacing negative thoughts with positive ones can help reduce feelings of anxiety."

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Wellness

Therapist reveals the worst thing you can say in a fight with your partner

It's toxic, but it's avoidable.

Photo by Afif Ramdhasuma on Unsplash

A man and woman have a heated argument.

In the heat of the moment, sometimes we can say things that we don't mean. Other times, we TOTALLY mean the things we say, but still shouldn't say them, especially to our partners. Romantic relationships can be tricky, rife with beautiful connections and memories—but equally fragile in terms of resentment, misunderstanding, and ego.

Mark Travers, Ph.D., is a psychologist and relationship therapist who has spent years studying what works and what doesn't in arguments. He notes that so often the cracks in a relationship don't appear out of nowhere. "More often than not," he writes for CNBC, "they crumble under the weight of small missteps that quietly accumulate—until they become too heavy to manage."

He shares that as he's worked with many couples, he sees people come in for therapy who cite the fighting itself as the reason they need counseling. But he's noticed that upon examination, it's what is said during those fights that can really be the final straw. One phrase, in particular, is especially toxic. "There’s ONE phrase I’ve seen come up in these exchanges that’s more damaging than you think: ‘Why can’t you be more like [insert other person’s name]?’"

It's the comparison part that's especially troubling and can often lead to the end of the relationship. "What couples fail to recognize is that the person named is actually irrelevant, whether it’s an ex, a best friend’s girlfriend, or even ‘how you used to be.’ The real message will always remain the same: ‘You’re not enough, and someone else—anyone else—could do a better job at being my partner.’"

This can cause massive insecurity in the partner, where they're always second-guessing if they're good enough or if they're replaceable. If instead of saying, "I feel frustrated when I don't feel heard," you instead say, "Why can't you be like Kevin's wife? She never creates drama," you might be permanently damaging the very fabric of your bond. Think of it like a shirt with a hole in it. You keep washing it, the hole gets bigger until it completely falls apart.

couples, love, arguments, relationships, therapyCouple in love, fighting and repeating the cycle. Giphy

Why do we sometimes do this? Travers posits that it's because we're scared to say how we really feel. The more unsteady or insecure we feel in a relationship, the less we communicate. This creates a cycle of misunderstandings. He cites a study that "examined the impact of intimacy, relational uncertainty, and a partner’s interference on the directness of communication about relational irritations." In summation, communication is the key to (hopefully) feeling secure and stable, which in turn, gives partners a jumping off point for success.


@stefanossifandos

Four things NOT to say in a relationship! ❌ #relationshipadvice #relationshiptips #relationships #fyp #foryou #CVSPaperlessChallenge

Good news: There are tools to learn how to avoid these relationship traps, and some of them simply require rephrasing toxic terms. He gives the example, "If you catch yourself about to say, for instance, 'Why can’t you be more like Alex? He never blows up over small things,' give these a try instead:

  • 'I know we both get frustrated sometimes, but it would mean a lot to me if we could speak to each other kindly, without yelling.'
  • 'It’s hard for me when our arguments escalate so fast. I’d love for us to work on staying grounded together during tough moments.'

There are many couples' counselors online who share other traps to avoid. Stef Anya, LMFT, shares on her YouTube channel, "10 Phrases to Avoid in Your Relationship."

www.youtube.com

These include lines like "Here we go again," or "You always (do this)." Any hyperbolic "extreme phrasing" can lead the other person to shut down, and it hardly ever gets the results we're looking for.

Also, steer clear of big declarations like "We're done, it's over!" Sure, you might feel that in the moment, but is that what you really want? It can cause irreparable damage and most certainly increase insecurity. And another chestnut so many of us are guilty of saying? "Calm down." When has telling someone to relax ever made them relax? (Unless, I guess you're at a spa, and even then I personally tense up.)

Relationships take effort, and obviously they don't always work out. But if you're willing to communicate with respect and openness, you're halfway there.

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Mental Health

22 people share the most eye-opening things their therapist told them that they've never forgotten

"40 years of therapy and those 4 words still resonate with me."

Image via Canva

People share the most impactful things a therapist has said to them.

Good mental health is often achieved with the help of a therapist. Therapists can be an incredible resources for getting additional support during hard times, overcoming challenges, or looking to change patterns. Their words and insights can lead to breakthroughs, realizations, and stick with you for years to come.

So when the question "What's one thing a therapist has said to you that you will never forget?" was asked in a discussion among people who have gone to therapy, many decided to get vulnerable and share the most meaningful things they've been told by a therapist.

These are 22 of the most inspiring, gut-wrenching, and impactful words and pieces of advice that people took away from their therapy sessions that changed their lives.

1. "'Is the relationship you have now, the relationship you'd want for your children?' (to which I had a fast and almost visceral response) and she went on to say 'because this relationship will be the one their subconscious uses as the prime example of what they accept later in life.'" – Sarkasmic_Trix

2. "'Be kind to yourself.' 40 years of therapy and those 4 words still resonate with me." – ScottishWidow64

3. "You are not responsible for other people's happiness. You can contribute to it, but you are not ultimately responsible for someone else being happy or not." – Shot_Razzmatazz5560

happy, happiness, therapy, counsel, mental healthHappy Duck Dynasty GIF by DefyTVGiphy

4. "'Your thoughts are scarier than the real thing.'" – NewsgramLady

5. "Not everyone is going to like you." – Accomplished-Leg8461

6. "When we are growing and developing, the animal part of our brain that ensures our survival is hard wired to tune into our protectors. Parental disapproval stokes fear of death, basically. That is why I absolutely panic when someone is angry with me. That helped me break that circuit and rewire my brain." – SueBeee

7. "Give yourself permission. When you have a permission slip, it makes it physically easier to do what you need to do for yourself and let go of feelings that get in the way. She literally made me get out sticky notes and write things like: 'I give myself permission to let go of guilt. I give myself permission to have the wedding I want. I give myself permission to not be responsible for my mother.'" – iris_cat1313


Permission, therapy, notes, mental health, therapisttv land permission GIF by YoungerTVGiphy

8. "'Analyzing and researching are also avoidance tactics to avoid feeling.'" – Gallumbits42

9. "I was struggling with trying to 'save' my adult daughter dealing with substance use disorder. I was allowing her to live with me and she wasn’t working or improving. I was reluctant (read codependent) to let her go and kick her out because maybe she’d be homeless. Maybe her life would get worse. After months of this, my therapist looked at me in the eye and said: 'Who made you god? Why do you think you have the power to save her?' And that’s when it hit me. I had no control over the situation. I had to let her go. I kicked her out in 2023. Today she’s doing well. Sober, working and heading back to college. ❤️" – YellowFirestorm

10. "As my ex was gaslighting, insulting me, being an all around terrible person to me saying the most awful things about me to me and the kids my therapist told me, 'You can consider him an unreliable narrator.' That helped me with perspective." – ithinksotoomaybee

11. "After sharing some work updates and just needing a sounding board to see if I was overreacting or not: 'I’m going to take my therapist hat off for one second, that’s absolutely f*cked up, ok hat back on'." – Vrey

therapy, therapist, mental health, counseling, helpHbo Therapy GIF by SuccessionHBOGiphy

12. "After 2 months of marriage counseling my therapist said that things were not going to get better and that my husband was not a diamond in the rough he was a piece of coal and even if he wanted and participated in therapy he was never going to get well in this lifetime." – Puzzleheaded_Gear622

13. "After I broke up with my ex, he said 'Thank god, now you don't need therapy anymore'. Was literally our last session." – Aggravating_Pick_951

14. "Regarding looking for love from certain family members, she said, 'It's like a child going to the pantry looking for food, but they're isn't any. It's okay for that child to keep going back to that same pantry looking for food (even if there isn't any) because they don't know any better. But now that you're grown, you may need to accept that there will never be food in that pantry. You need to look for a different pantry.'" – MikeOxmaul

Empty pantry, advice, therapy, therapist, helpHungry Thanksgiving GIF by Looney TunesGiphy

15. "'So you're an orphan.' (Both parents had died by my age of 46)." – AGPym

16. "That sometimes we feel guilt or anger when the real feeling is helplessness. Sometimes it's easier to feel like we failed instead of realizing we had no power over it at all." – OhNever_Mind

17. "'These are feelings, not facts.'" – SweetSweet_Jane


feelings, facts, therapist, therapy, counselFeelings Feels GIF by WE tvGiphy

18. "'Their intent nor if they are consciously choosing to hurt you is what matters. Are they hurting you? Do you want it to continue? That is what matters.'" – Sarkasmic_Trix

19. "'Enabling can sometimes disguise itself as good intentions.'" – naughtytinytina

20. "When discussing past drug use, we talked about how I maintained sobriety throughout both pregnancies. She asked why, nobody forced me to. I said it was the right thing to do. Then she says 'if you can do the right thing for others, why can’t you do it for yourself?' Good question, Casey. Been thinking about that one a lot, even now. It’s helped me work on my self destructive behaviors, helped me prioritize my own needs, and helped me maintain my sobriety now." – Pure_Preference_5773

sobriety, mental health, therapy, therapist, advice, counselSobriety GIF by Lady GagaGiphy

21. "Two things: 'I think it’s time you talk to your doctor'. (my situational depression was progressing to a point of no return, and it was time to be medicated. I went to my doctor that day. My therapist saved my life). 'You’re going to be OK.' She said it so calmly and with such confidence. I believed her. And she was right." – Numerous_Office_4671

22. "'You get to define what "family" means.'" – TrueBelievingMoron

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Humor

People hilariously respond to the 'What's your 5-year plan' question, inspired by Elmo

Some therapists now claim we don't even need a 5-year plan.

Photo by Reno Laithienne on Unsplash

Elmo got real on his Chicken Shop Date.

For some, little is more daunting than the question: "What's your 5-year plan?" No matter the generation, it can be anxiety-inducing at best. Sesame Street's Elmo was asked this very question by English comedian Amelia Dimoldenberg on her popular web series Chicken Shop Date.

On the show, Amelia has various "dates" where she peppers celebrities with awkward and often endearing interview questions. Obviously, Elmo was the perfect guest, though it's specifically noted on YouTube that Elmo is having a "play date" since he's only three and a half years old, of course. But when she bluntly asks him, "What's your five-year plan?" Elmo is confused. "What's that mean, five-year plan? Elmo is me." She restates, "Yeah, you need to have a plan. You need to have a five-year plan."

gif of Amelia DimoldenbergDisappointed Amelia Dimoldenberg GIF by Chicken Shop DateGiphy

On the show, Amelia has various "dates" where she peppers celebrities with awkward and often endearing interview questions. Obviously, Elmo was the perfect guest, though it's specifically noted on YouTube that Elmo is having a "play date" since he's only three and a half years old, of course. But when she bluntly asks him, "What's your five-year plan?" Elmo is confused. "What's that mean, five-year plan? Elmo is me." She restates, "Yeah, you need to have a plan. You need to have a five-year plan."

And then Elmo becomes all of us. "Elmo doesn't really know what he's gonna do in the next five hours!"

@emil1yc

😭 #chickenshopdate

When this clip was posted on TikTok, the followers definitely saw themselves in Elmo. "Me, in a job interview," says the top commenter, with over 25,000 likes. Another writes, "I just panicked, like am I supposed to have a 5-year plan? Marriage? Do some people have a five-year plan?!?"

This person asks, "Also, isn't Elmo like 5 or 6 or something? She's basically asking him what he's gonna be doing after another lifetime." (Repliers rightfully point out that Elmo is three and a half years old in perpetuity.)

Since that clip went viral three months ago, people have been having a field day on TikTok answering the question for themselves. Many simply lip-sync with Elmo, expressing how much they relate. But TikTok user @GenX_Michelle took it a little further. In their video, we see a woman at the grocery store with a giant raven perched on her arm. The chyron reads: "When someone asks me where I see myself in 5 years."

The comments are not only supportive of the OP, but they're impressed by the grocery-shopping woman, as well. "This woman is a goddess, because you don't choose a raven, a raven chooses you."

@genx_michelle

Raven Lady of Vegas has a nice ring to it... 😉 #raven #5yearplan #ravenladyofvegas #genx_michelle #besties_chosenfamily


Many therapists and career counselors nowadays actually believe you don't need a 5-year plan, and that the very idea of them is obsolete. In Lily Zhung's article "Why You Really Don't Have to Have a 5-Year Plan" for The Muse, she cites John D. Krumboltz’s Happenstance Learning Theory, where she reports, "He posits that unplanned events are to be expected because they’re inevitable and, in fact, necessary to every career."

person in an office saying, "New plan."Plan Change Of Plans GIFGiphy

She then asks, "How many successful people actually followed a plan to get to where they were? Maybe a handful. Most were (and continue to be) superbly hardworking and just really good at recognizing and acting on opportunities that come their way."

Success, she says, comes from grabbing opportunities when they arise and being as prepared as possible for the moment. "Ultimately, the goal of career planning is not to have a step-by-step plan, but to maximize the opportunities for you to learn and to be in the right mindset to take advantage of opportunities as they come."

Zhung quotes Shonda Rhimes from a commencement speech she gave at Dartmouth in 2014: "Maybe you know exactly what it is you dream of being, or maybe you're paralyzed because you have no idea what your passion is. The truth is, it doesn't matter. You don't have to know. You just have to keep moving forward. You just have to keep doing something, seizing the next opportunity, staying open to trying something new. It doesn't have to fit your vision of the perfect job or the perfect life. Perfect is boring and dreams are not real. Just do."

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