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What's the most clever and confident response to an insult? 6 experts share the best comebacks.

Study these so you'll be ready next time someone tries to insult you.

A woman can't believe how she was insulted.

An insult can come out of nowhere and at any time. So, it’s best to prepare yourself with a skillful response that doesn’t start a fight but puts the offending person in their place. A great response to an insult makes the other person look worse and shows that you are confident and don’t care what your detractors think.

However, being hit with an insult out of nowhere can be jarring, making a skillful comeback difficult. That’s why we’ve compiled this list of 6 comebacks recommended by 5 therapists and a lawyer to put the hater in their place and make you look even better than before.

How do you respond to an insult?


1. “Are you okay?”

Bernadette Purcell, a popular LCSW on TikTok and author of "Divorced As F,” says that responding with “Are you okay?” puts “them on the defensive and gives you the upper hand.” Depending on how the response is delivered, it can be a genuine question to see if the insulter, who just said something inappropriate, is going through a personal problem. It’s also rooted in the assumption that the person is insecure and is trying to elevate themselves by putting others down. With this response, you seem confident and empathetic.



2. “Hey, flag on the play”

Ajita Robinson, a therapist in Bethesda, Md., told Time she often responds to insults with, “Hey, flag on the play,” a reference to when a referee calls a penalty in football. For example, one of Robinson’s clients went on a date with a man who said some things that were a bit sexually suggestive. So she responded to him with a “Hey, flag on the play.”

“I thought that was pretty cool because she used it as a way to express that this was something she was uncomfortable with,” Robinson says. “It’s lighthearted, but sends a signal that the comment or interaction crossed a boundary.”



How to respond to a backhanded compliment?

3. “I'm sure you mean that in the nicest way possible!”

Jessica Alderson, Co-Founder and Relationship Expert at So Syncd, says one of the best ways to respond to a backhanded compliment is by being humorous. “Employing humor can diffuse the tension of a backhanded compliment while also indirectly addressing the underlying criticism. You could respond with a lighthearted comment such as, ‘I'm sure you mean that in the nicest way possible!’ or ‘I'm glad I exceeded your low expectations’," Alderson told Verywell Mind.

A backhanded compliment is when someone says something that sounds like praise but has a hidden critique or negative twist. It might seem flattering initially, but there's usually an underlying message that the person you’re talking to isn’t being kind. For example, "You look great for someone your age!" is calling you attractive but old at the same time.



4. Do nothing

Riyan Portuguez, MP, RPm, RPsy, has the simplest response, but you must learn to keep a straight face. “So you take the insult, make no reaction to it,” he said on TikTok. “You smile and you look at them in the eye and say nothing. You are composed; it has no effect on you, and make sure you hold that smile and look them in the face and keep him waiting." Grayson Allen, a University of Cambridge graduate who shares TikTok psychology tips, agrees with Portuguez. “If you show that you're completely not phased or didn't even hear it, that's going to be awkward, they're going to look bad, and you're going to be in control,” he said on TikTok.



5. "What was your intention with that comment?"

Jessica Good, a therapist in St. Louis, told Time that this response is both “effective and therapeutic” because “it makes them say the quiet part out loud.” This puts the insulter in a very uncomfortable position of admitting that they intentionally insulted you or forces them to backtrack and lie their way out of the situation, making them look bad.



6. Agree with them

Jefferson Fisher isn't a therapist but a lawyer in Texas who calls himself an "argument expert." He says that when someone insults you, it's to get a dopamine hit. The key is to keep them from enjoying the chemical reaction. If he knows the person who insulted him, he'll agree with the remark. "By agreeing to it, I'll totally take away that satisfaction of the dopamine," Fisher said on TikTok. "So if someone puts me down, I'll say, 'You know, but maybe you're right. And, just checking in, are you feeling okay?' At all times, I'm letting them know I'm the one that's still here and in control."

Family

Man responds to family looking to reconnect after throwing him out of the house 37 years ago

At 16, they accused him of something he didn't do and left him on the streets.

A man contemplates how to respond to an email.


On March 16, 2024, Upworthy shared the story of a Redditor named Fancy-Anywhere-4733 (FA for short) who had an incredible dilemma: How do you respond to your family 37 years after they threw you out of the house as a 16-year-old for a bogus reason?

Now, he has shared his response, which is full of honesty, strength and grace.

First, here is some background (you can read the whole story here).

FA’s mother died when he was 12 years old and 2 years later, his father married a woman named Ashley with two kids, Mark (14) and Emily (12). “I got along with Ashley and Emily really well, but Mark, not so much so,” FA recalls. The following year, this rivalry came to a head when both boys fell for the same girl, Lisa, that FA began to date, much to Mark’s annoyance.


To get FA back for dating his crush, Mark planted some of Emily’s panties in his dresser drawer for his stepmother to find on laundry day.

broken family, upset teen, homeless teen

A distressed teen afraid of his future.

via Christian Erfurt/Unsplash

“I had no answer as I'd never seen [the underwear] before,” FA wrote. “Of course, no one believed me. No matter how much protesting I did." Mark added to the lies by saying that FA often stared at Emily and once said he wanted to marry her.

FA’s father threw him out of the house for being a "perv" and he was forced to live on the streets, doing whatever he could to get by. After decades of hard work he created a new life. He had a good job, was married with 4 kids and had finally found real happiness.

Recently, at the age of 53, his stepsister, Emily, whom he hadn’t spoken to in years, emailed him. Emily revealed that Mark got drunk and admitted that he set FA up and the news has been like a “bombshell” was dropped on the family.

“After sharing this revelation with Mom and Dad. Dad started crying, like really crying,” Emily wrote in the email. “I've never seen him cry before. I believe it because he has been carrying around a lot of guilt all these years. Obviously, now knowing the truth, he is now having to deal with the consqueses of his actions. However, after several hours of talking, we all came to the conclusion that we needed to find you and make amends. I have spent hours trying to locate you, in the hopes that I could reach out and extend a heartfelt apology for the years of misunderstanding and mistreatment and hurt.”

woman on computer, family fights, forgiveness

A woman writing an email late at night.

via Muzuno K/Pexels

Receiving the email was an incredible shock, and FA wasn’t sure whether he would respond at all. “I'm, however indifferent to the idea,” FA admitted. “Like, I have no ill feelings towards [Emily]. She obviously was young and had no real say in the matter. But with lots and lots of therapy, I learned to let go of that hate and anger and to let go of them. As well with all the love I receive from my wife, kids and in-laws, it's all I really need.”

FA received countless comments from people who suggested some ways to respond to the to the email. Two days later, he shared his response to Emily in a new post:

Dear Emily,

I appreciate you taking the time to reach out to me, but I must be honest with you. The years of pain and hurt caused by the lies and manipulation by Mark and the betrayal by Dad have left deep scars that will never be truly healed. While I understand that you are now aware of the truth and are genuinely sorry for what has transpired, I find it difficult to simply forgive and forget.

The betrayal and abandonment I experienced at the hands of my own family have left me with a sense of distrust and resentment that can never be overcome. The damage that has been done has impacted me in ways that you may never ever fully and truly understand, and the idea of trying to reconcile now feels like an insurmountable task.

I have spent years in therapy trying to come to terms with the pain and deep trauma I endured, and I have worked hard to build a wonderful life for myself that does not rely on the presence or approval of those who turned their backs on me.

While I am grateful for the apology and the newfound awareness of the truth, I do not feel compelled to rekindle a relationship that was built on lies, deception and betrayal. Especially after all these years.

I have found peace and closure in distancing myself from those who caused me harm, and I do not see the need to reopen old wounds in the name of reconciliation. While I believe in the power of forgiveness, that isn't something I can give.

I wish you all the best in your life, I really do, but I must prioritize my emotional health and self-preservation above all else. I hope you can respect my decision and understand that the wounds of the past will take a lifetime to heal. I would appreciate if you pass this fact on to the others and please don't reach out again. I must look to my future and not my past.

Sincerely, [FA]

email, man writing, family drama

A man writes an email on his laptop

via Christian Hume/Unsplash

"This is a good response. You are letting them know that the door is closed, and you didn't give them any information on whether you have a family," Primierofilho wrote in the comments. "That’s (one of) my favorite parts of [FA's] beautifully eloquent reply. By denying his ex-family any information of how he is doing, they don’t get to know which way to turn their feelings," Darkstormchaser added.

One of the most powerful parts of FA’s letter is the clear reason why he will never be able to forgive them. Even though he believes in forgiveness, doing so would unravel a lot of the work he’s done to heal after the incredible, nearly insurmountable pain they have caused him.

Forgiveness was simply a bridge too far and FA should be proud that he drew up clear boundaries with his family. There was no reason why he should trade an ounce of his peace of mind in exchange for giving solace to those who abandoned him as a teen.

Family

Therapist shares the 15 ways kids show anxiety that can be easy to miss

Kids are always trying to communicate, even if that communication isn't clear.

@momtherapist/TikTok

Her cheat sheet became a great conversation starter.

Anxiety, jitters, nervousness…it all kinds of comes with the territory of being human, at least to a certain extent. That goes for kiddos too. Only children have the added challenge of not having all the necessary knowledge and tools to clearly express what they’re feeling on the inside.

But rest assured, kids are expressing themselves, in myriad ways.

According to therapist and mom of three Melissa Griffing, there could be as many as 15 different ways kids might be communicating their anxiety that parents are missing. And people are finding her list illuminating, to say the least.

“Did you know kids talk about anxiety in a whole heck of a bunch of different ways that parents often don’t pick up on? Here are 15 different ways that kids say, ‘I’m feeling worried,’” Griffing says in a now-viral clip posted to her TikTok.

Her first one, “my tummy hurts,” was one several could remember saying as kids. One person even shared, “my stomach hurt a lot when I was a kid. It was 1000% my anxiety.”

But that’s not the only bodily ailment that could reveal something about a child’s mental state. Griffing also listed “my legs hurt” and “my arms hurt” as potential markers of distress, although she added the caveat that these could also be growing pains.

And let’s not forget “I’m not hungry,” “I can’t sleep,” “I need to pee again” or “I think I’m getting sick.” These health related ones can be especially tricky to interpret since, of course, sometimes it really could be related to health issues. That’s why Griffing still encourages going to a doctor first to be sure.

Finally, hear are the last few phrases Griffing mentioned:

“I don’t wanna go to school.”

“I hate you.”

Asking “what-if” questions.

“I don’t know.”

“I just wanna stay with you.”

“Nobody wants to talk to me at school.”

“Nobody likes me.”

“I don’t like it.

@momtherapist Helping your kids manage their own anxiety part one. #therapy #childtherapists #tipsfromatherapist #dallastherapist #parenting #thewellcounseling ♬ original sound - Melissa

…and if these sound like completely mundane, everyday expressions, that’s kind of the point. They can indeed be very easy to miss—and many parents showed their surprise in the comments section.

“Damn my daughter has said every single one of these. Especially the sick thing” one parent wrote.

“By the time you hit number 9 I was in tears,” added another.

Understandably, parents who watched the video were eager for solutions. And Griffing was happy to offer some tips in a few follow-up videos. But really, the basis of all her advice is founded on strengthening emotional intelligence. This goes for parents being able to recognize when kids are displaying these difficult feelings, and being able to help kids develop their own ways of identifying and processing those feelings.

Some children’s books that she recommended for this (for the kiddos) are “What to do When You Worry Too Much” by Dawn Huebner and “There’s a Bully in my Brain” by Kristin O’Rourke.

Lastly, Griffing suggests that for the real “overworriers,” parents can teach them to focus a little less on those intrusive thoughts by dedicating 10-15 minutes a day to “worry time,” where parents can listen to all those worries (no solving, just listening).

And for any concerns that might be shared during the day, parent can gently redirect those thoughts towards the set up “worry time,” and distract with a more comforting or pleasant focus for that moment.

This teaches kids that worrisome thoughts do have a place…just not 24/7. A fantastic skill for anyone to develop, no doubt.

For more parenting tips from Griffing, follow her on her TikTok.

Dr. Angela Shiels sees a common problems every holiday season.

The holidays are when we get together with family, which can be joyous, triggering, or a combination of both, depending on who you're related to. Therapist and TikToker Dr. Angelica Shiels says that after the holidays, her clients' most common “hurt feeling” is from passive-aggressive and critical comments from relatives.

The pain stems from the disappointment people feel when trying to spread holiday cheer and are met with "negativity and criticism instead of positivity and enthusiasm" in return.

Dr. Shiels shared some examples of these comments in a video with over 1.3 million views. One examples is when someone is sharing their plants and is confronted with unexpected negativity. "Oh, you have a lot of plants in your house. Do you really need more plants?” Dr. Shiels says.


"When someone is trying to share something about their life, like applying to a new job, someone being negative, like, 'Why would you want to work for Amazon? Don't you know that they're ruining the economy?'" she continued.

"Or if someone's talking about painting their kitchen cabinets and someone says, I heard painting the face of the cabinets reduces the value of the house,” Dr. Shiels said.

@dr..angelica.shie

#anxiety #criticism, and #catastrophizing lead to #negativity and damage #relationships. #family #holidays #therapy #couples #marriage #friends #parenting

According to Dr. Shiels, these negative or passive-aggressive comments are often honest responses that reveal your family member’s anxieties. Your aunt may be upset about how Amazon has affected the economy, and your brother-in-law probably believes you have too many plants.

The problem is that they took the wrong opportunity to share their thoughts with you and need to learn when it’s appropriate to be critical.

"Unless you ask first — oh, do you want my opinion on this? — It's not helping,” Dr. Shiels said, adding that "it's assuaging your own anxiety at the expense of your connection and relationship with others."