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Parents are sharing the one thing that surprised them the most about having kids

"I genuinely didn't believe it until I saw it with my own two eyes just how hard it is to find childcare that fully covers your working hours."

Photo by Tanaphong Toochinda on Unsplash

There are so many things that can catch you off guard as a parent.

Becoming a parent is simultaneously one of the most rewarding and terrifying life experiences a person can have. And try as you may, no matter how many books or blogs you read, there's really no way to fully prepare for the ongoing reality of parenting. There's always something you didn't expect or account for, some surprise child-rearing delight or horror that catches you off guard.

Parents on X are sharing the one thing that most caught them by surprise about parenting and it's a treasure trove of "What to Expect" wisdom and experience that might—might—help prospective or new parents feel a little bit more prepared.

The thread started off with @realgirl_fieri posing the question and sharing her own unexpected parenting plot twist.

"What is one parenting thing that caught you completely by surprise?" she asked. "I was prepared for sleeplessness, tantrums, picky eating. But I genuinely didn’t believe until I saw it with my own two eyes just how hard it is to find childcare that fully covers your working hours."

Other parents hopped right on in with surprises that run the gamut from food to sensory overload to kids' hilarity.

Let's start with sleep. We all know to expect to be tired with babies, but until you're in the thick of it with a baby who really doesn't sleep well, you don't know how life-altering it can be. There's a reason sleep deprivation is used as a torture technique, after all.

Some parents were taken aback by having less socialization than they expected.

"Honestly, I thought I'd see my friends with kids more," shared one mom. "My two best friends had babies when I did in 2022. I’ve seen each twice. I thought we’d be together all the time," offered another.

"I thought there would be more play dates," agreed another. "Maybe we’re just not there yet, but with work, school, life it just doesn’t happen? Sometimes with my friends with kids but rarely with friends from school."

Some have been surprised by how true the stereotype of Mom always having her meal interrupted can be. When kids are little, it's shocking how many times you find yourself getting up from the dinner table, even when you think you had everything ready to go.

"The line from A Christmas Story resonates," shared one commenter, "watching his mom getting up/down at dinner and Ralphie narrates 'My mother had not had a hot meal for herself in 15 years.'"

And then there's the not really getting to sit down at all part due to snacks, spills, finding things, breaking up fights, etc. And when you finally do sit, you immediately becoming a lap to sit on or a climbing apparatus.

Some parents were surprised by the number and variety of toys and the noise that came with them. "Nobody told me there would be so much smashing and crashing of toys," wrote one parent. Others were amazed by how quickly you become overrun with toys even when you don't buy any. It's like they just appear out of thin air.

Others offered up the out-of-left-field, unexpectedly-expensive need for berries. All the berries. So. Many. Berries.

As one dad shared, "One of the most ernest pieces of advice I got from a friend with two toddlers was to never introduce your children to blueberries. They are so expensive and children will eat an unlimited amount. They will bankrupt you."

On the up side, kids can also be delightfully bright and rip-roaring hilarious right from the get go.

And then there's the sheer relentlessness of it all and the constant space your beloved children take up in your psyche.

"You're never alone, never off duty, never just responsible for yourself, never just thinking about yourself and your wants/ needs," shared one parent. "This is the one," agreed another. "I haven't been alone for any meaningful period of time in eight years."

Even if you manage to carve out some time for yourself, you're never not thinking about your children in some part of your mind, and your parental instincts are always "on."

It's good to share these things as parents so we know we're not alone and so that people becoming parents aren't totally blindsided. No matter how much people tell you, there will certainly be some things you still weren't prepared for, so anything that makes prepping for parenting even a tiny bit easier is worth sharing.

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5 reasons parenting is the world's hardest job — and what makes it all worthwhile.

Parenting is the hardest job on the planet.

Air traffic control? Super stressful job. Brain surgeon? Not for the faint of heart. But parents take on the most relentless and challenging work on Earth every single day. Here's what makes raising humans the toughest job:

1. The responsibility is immense, and the stakes are incredibly high — yet there is no manual.

The first time you hold your baby — the weight of their entire life in your hands — it's nearly impossible not to be overwhelmed. You question whether you're adequate for the task, and the fact that you have no real idea what you're doing hits you. This is a person's life we're talking about. How did you get put in charge of a life?

And no matter how many experts you talk to or parenting books you read, you discover that children always find a way to thwart their wisdom and keep you on your toes. What works with one child is totally ineffectual with another. Your job is to nurture these tiny humans physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually — and you basically have to figure it out as you go along.

A story for the ages . . .

Posted by Annie Reneau, Writer on Tuesday, February 16, 2016

2. It’s physically and emotionally exhausting — and there are no real breaks.

Unless you’re lucky, you start off parenting with months of sleep deprivation that you never seem to catch up from. Even after kids figure out how to sleep, they wake you up because they're scared, they wet the bed, their pajamas are "scratchy," they're dying of thirst, or 5 a.m. on Saturday seems like a good time to party. Later, they choose your bedtime to have their most profound, hours-long heart-to-heart talks with you.

And in this constantly tired state, you are expected to be "on" 24/7. You must feed these people several times a day, every day, or they'll die. Dealing with their bodily functions feels like a full-time job in certain stages. And those are just the bare basic physical needs.

Until you're in it, it's impossible to understand the mental and emotional work that goes into parenting. You field 583,417 questions — half of which are unanswerable — in a kid's fourth year of life alone. You have to teach kids to navigate social and emotional landscapes that you yourself are still figuring out, and inevitably, at least one child will exhibit a behavior that you never even knew existed and have no idea how to handle.

Who knew Guns n' Roses had such a bead on parenting?

Posted by Annie Reneau, Writer on Monday, June 6, 2016

Parenting taxes the body, brain, and heart — and it's nonstop. Even if you get a physical break, you're always thinking about their wellbeing.

3. If the exhaustion doesn't get you, the worry might.

When my first child was a baby, I watched an "Oprah" episode about child abduction, and I've pretty much been terrified ever since. Like exhaustion, the worry waxes and wanes but never really stops.

Before kids, my definition of "overprotective" was something totally different than it is now. And thanks to the internet, parents have a whole host of concerns that generations past didn't have. Technology can open awesome new worlds of learning and exploration for our kids, but literally one click can lead them into a world of sick and twisted depravity.

You don't want to be neurotic, but you need a healthy amount of concern in order to make wise choices. Discerning what's worth worrying about and what's not is a constant — and exhausting — balancing act.

If I had a nickel . . .

Posted by Annie Reneau, Writer on Saturday, April 8, 2017

4. You don't get a paycheck — and in fact, this job costs you money.

Parenting comes with more responsibility and stress than any occupation, but there's no paycheck, no seasonal bonuses, no monetary compensation of any kind.

In fact, generally speaking, the more time you spend parenting, the less money you make. There's also no paid leave. You usually have to pay someone else to watch your kids so you can have "time off."

Your superhuman ability to multi-task, keen attention to detail, and devotion to the job will not be noticed by the boss and rewarded with a promotion or a raise. In fact, you'll be lucky if these skills and qualities are noticed by anyone.

5. Yet we do our best anyway because our love for our kids is unparalleled — and the rewards are priceless.

Honestly, if we didn't love our children, they'd be a lot easier to raise. We wouldn't worry about them or bother figuring out what's best for them. We'd sleep through the night and let them cry until they turn blue. We'd plop them in front of the TV with Cheetos and root beer to keep them quiet and go about our days in peace.

But we do love them. The heart-swelling, Earth-shattering, all-consuming love we have for our kids is what makes us get up at 3 a.m. to chase away bad dreams, dutifully wipe a butt for the 2054th time, and agonize over meal-planning and screen-time limits.

And that love is also the reward we get for a job well done.

Love creates the challenge of parenting yet makes it all worthwhile. It's the cause of our parenting woes yet also the cure. My kid could be driving me up the wall one minute, but when he lays his head on my shoulder and says, "I love you, Mommy," I fall head-first into that gushy cloud of kid-love that has propelled the human race forward for millennia. Those moments always remind me that the joy ultimately outweighs the hard.

As much as I don't like the occasional kick when BoyWonder climbs into bed with us in the wee hours, I do love waking up...

Posted by Annie Reneau, Writer on Thursday, June 4, 2015

So keep on keepin' on, parents. Here's to you and the vital, daily, unacknowledged work you put into raising good humans.

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I'm teaching my 6- and 7-year-old boys about consent. Here's how it's gone so far.

Photo by saeed karimi on Unsplash

The scenarios of parenting have many hurdles in order to offer a healthy way of approaching life.

The second week of first grade, my 6-year-old son came home and told me, very seriously, "Mama, I have a girlfriend, and I love her."

I didn't laugh at him or tell him he is too young to have a girlfriend, and I didn't minimize his feelings. We had a very serious conversation about his girlfriend: what he likes about her, what they talk about at lunch, and what games they play on the playground at recess. I asked questions about her; some he knew the answers to, and some he didn't.

Nearly every day after that for some time, we talked about his girlfriend, and in every conversation, in some way, we talked about consent — what it means, what it looks like, and how I expect him to act.

I didn't objectify the little girl by referring to her as "your little girlfriend" as I've heard other adults tease their own children. I didn't make jokes about him being a heartbreaker or tell him that the girls will be falling all over him by high school. I didn't tell him his feelings don't matter — and I definitely didn't tell him her feelings don't matter. I think the seeds of misogyny are planted with words as much as behavior, and I treated his emotions seriously because, for him, being in love for the first time is the most serious thing in the world. He will remember this little girl just as I remember my first boyfriend, and how I handle things now is setting the tone for the future.

I wasn't expecting to have these conversations in the context of a relationship quite so soon.

His older brother is more introverted, with the exception of the occasional fleeting crush. But I have been talking about consent and modeling it since my sons were babies.

The idea that young men need to learn about consent in high school or college goes hand-in-hand with the idea that sex education shouldn't be taught before then, either. Consent is an ongoing conversation in our home, framed to suit the situation. But now that my son has a girlfriend, I'm finding ways to introduce the concept of consent within a relationship on a level that he can understand.

From the time my sons were very little — before they could even talk — I started teaching them about body autonomy and consent.

"Do you want me to tickle you?" "Can I pick you up?" "Do you want me to brush your hair?"

I would ask whenever I could, waiting for their response before proceeding. Yes, of course, there are times when a young child needs to be picked up or hair needs to be brushed whether they want it or not, but there are just as many times when children can be given — and deserve — the right to choose. And so I let them decide whenever I can.

Teaching them that no one can touch them without permission was the first step in teaching them about respecting the boundaries of others.

I model the respect I expect them to extend to others. It is an ongoing lesson, as the most important lessons always are.

Of course they fight — what siblings don't? But I teach them that, whatever the game or activity, if someone says "Stop!" or "No!" they are to stop what they are doing.

To that end, I try to stay out of their squabbles and give them time to sort them out. If they don't stop, there are consequences. We talk about how it feels to have someone keep chasing, tickling, or bothering you when you've told them to stop. I watch their empathy for others grow as they consider how it feels to be little and have grownups want to touch their faces or hug them without permission. They're learning, and it gives me hope.

But now I'm having daily conversations with my youngest son about girlfriends and what is — and isn't — OK.

He knows he has to ask if she wants a hug before he touches her. He knows that it's rude to refer to her as "my girlfriend" when talking about her and that it's better, and more respectful, to use her name.

He knows that if he gives her a gift, he should give her a chance to respond instead of inundating her with more gifts. "Let's wait and see how she feels about this lovely picture you made her before you draw another one," I tell him, explaining how overwhelming it can be to have someone give you gifts when you're not ready for them or haven't had a chance to return the affection. Of course, I'm thinking about the boy I knew my junior year of high school who would constantly leave me trinkets of his affection at my locker — affection that wasn't reciprocated and made me uncomfortable, especially after I asked him to stop.

I don't know if I'm doing this right, honestly.

There are times when I think to myself, "But he's only 6! Why are we even having this conversation?" And then I remind myself, "If not now, when?"

I know what it means to be a girl in this world, and my sons are starting to hear my #MeToo stories, the ones they're old enough to understand. How do I talk about what's wrong in the world if I'm not willing to talk about the right behaviors, the right way to treat women?

I know my sons have a good role model in their father and in our marriage. I know they watch how my husband interacts with me, and I see it reflected in how they treat me. It's a start, but I know it's not enough in a world that sends mixed messages to boys about girls and how to treat them.

It's been eye-opening, seeing how my children regard consent.

I've seen how those early lessons in teaching them about their own right to say no have gone a long way in teaching them the empathy and respect they show for others now.

I know we're not done; we're only just starting. I know it's only going to get more complicated as they get older.

But at the end of the day, no matter their age, the core lesson is the same: respect people, care about how they are feeling in your interactions with them, and remember that others have a right to feel differently than you do and to set boundaries for what is OK with them. The situations will change, but those words will be repeated again and again.

Teaching consent is not a one-time discussion. It's something I want my sons to think about every single day.

This story originally appeared on Ravishly and is reprinted here with permission. More from Ravishly:

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    Behind the scenes with a dad who gained internet fame tweeting about his 4 daughters.

    When it comes to capturing the humor of parenting, James Breakwell is a pro.

    James Breakwell has four daughters between the ages of 1 and 6, well over half a million Twitter followers, and an unfailing sense of humor.

    James with three of his daughters. Image via James Breakwell, used with permission.

    Known on Facebook and Twitter as Exploding Unicorn, Breakwell has been sharing his and his wife's parenting adventures with the world since 2012. He writes about the joys and sorrows of fathering four girls, proving that humor can be found in even the smallest moments.

    Breakwell with his daughters dressed up as Harry Potter characters for Halloween. Image via James Breakwell, used with permission.

    Like any father, Breakwell enjoys watching his kids grow up.

    He loves watching their personalities change along with their likes and dislikes. "It’s fun to see what my daughters take an interest in and what they reject out of hand," he explained in an email.

    For now, the girls have a wide variety of hobbies. "They love princesses, sci-fi, and zombies, and it all gets blended together in games that are as weird as they are loud," Breakwell said. Only time will tell what those games turn into when there are four teenagers in the house.

    Raising four daughters comes with a unique set of challenges. But, Breakwell said, "whether it’s math, science, or zombie slaying, I teach my kids that both genders are equal at everything that matters."

    "Ultimately, I don’t know what it means to be a woman any more than they do right now," he continued. "It’s up to them to define that for themselves. I just have to make sure they’re confident enough to deal with any challenge, regardless of if it’s a sexist boss or an undead monster."

    And to their credit (and their parents'), the girls seem to be doing pretty well as far as confidence goes.

    Family photo time with four young kids. Image via James Breakwell, used with permission.

    What's the secret to getting such great tweets? Breakwell wrote that he spends all his time listening to his kids.

    "I don't have a choice," he said. "They never stop talking."

    And with four kids, he's got a lot of material to work with. Enough, actually, for an entire book. "Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent’s Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse" is a work in progress, scheduled to be published in late 2017. It'll be a combination of parenting tips, a zombie survival guide, and the same humor that gained Breakwell his internet fame to start with.

    The kids love being the subject of their dad's Twitter and are pretty convinced that he's a celebrity. Breakwell's wife, he explained, used to think the whole thing was a waste of time, but she's become more supportive as he's managed to secure a few ads.

    Overall, Breakwell described his parenting style as "results-oriented."

    "The ends justify the means," he said. "If my kids survive, I did a good job."

    His advice for other fathers is similarly lighthearted: "Don't worry too much. Kids are more durable than you think."

    Of course, there are tons of great dads like Breakwell (minus the Twitter account and a daughter or two) who are doing their best to help their daughters grow up well. The only difference is that in Breakwell's case, we all get to share in the comedy.

    A behind-the-scenes look at a family photo shoot. Image via James Breakwell, used with permission.

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