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Here are 5 things a child therapist says he doesn't do while playing with his kids

Parents often do one of these things to try to make play educational, and it may surprise you.

Good Morning America|YouTube

Five things a child therapist doesn't do while playing with his kids

Being a parent is both oddly unique and similar for all who embark on that life journey. You're in a state of constant worry that you're messing up in one way or another, while simultaneously knowing that you're doing your best to raise good humans. Not everyone can be an expert in child development, and that doesn't mean they're doing anything wrong.

But when you've got the inside scoop from someone who does have a deep understanding of child development, you pay attention. A child therapist has shared a list of things that he never does while playing with his children. Even if you have this insider knowledge, a refresher like this one can be helpful.

Joshua Terhune is a child therapist and father of two who keeps his list of "don'ts" in mind when engaging in child-led play with his children. Here are five things he says he avoids while playing:

1. Asking questions while playing with his kids

Terhune explains that asking questions brings children out of the moment and forces them to perform instead of play organically.

2. Commanding or demanding a behavior change

The therapist explains that commanding or demanding a change in behaviors can raise the tension between child and parent. Instead, he attempts to ignore or redirect unwanted behaviors from his children.

3. Criticizing or judging their play

This involves not commenting on how much he likes a drawing or what they've built and focusing instead on the process they've used. Terhune says praising something as good means that you also have the power to say something is bad, which could deter the child from doing things for their own enjoyment instead focusing on what will make the parent happy.

4. Using sarcasm or mockery

He explains how using sarcasm or teasing can hurt children's feelings and "stifle their spirit." Terhune explains, "they have very, very, very little time when they feel in control," so play is where they're in charge and can feel a sense of control over their lives.

5. Allowing distractions to enter play

Terhune says he uses child-led playtime for mutual enjoyment of time together without the distractions of screens. The father of two says that having a screen present can break the immersion in play, so he avoids it as much as possible.

You can get even more detail from his interview below with Good Morning America:

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I'm teaching my 6- and 7-year-old boys about consent. Here's how it's gone so far.

Photo by saeed karimi on Unsplash

The scenarios of parenting have many hurdles in order to offer a healthy way of approaching life.

The second week of first grade, my 6-year-old son came home and told me, very seriously, "Mama, I have a girlfriend, and I love her."

I didn't laugh at him or tell him he is too young to have a girlfriend, and I didn't minimize his feelings. We had a very serious conversation about his girlfriend: what he likes about her, what they talk about at lunch, and what games they play on the playground at recess. I asked questions about her; some he knew the answers to, and some he didn't.

Nearly every day after that for some time, we talked about his girlfriend, and in every conversation, in some way, we talked about consent — what it means, what it looks like, and how I expect him to act.

I didn't objectify the little girl by referring to her as "your little girlfriend" as I've heard other adults tease their own children. I didn't make jokes about him being a heartbreaker or tell him that the girls will be falling all over him by high school. I didn't tell him his feelings don't matter — and I definitely didn't tell him her feelings don't matter. I think the seeds of misogyny are planted with words as much as behavior, and I treated his emotions seriously because, for him, being in love for the first time is the most serious thing in the world. He will remember this little girl just as I remember my first boyfriend, and how I handle things now is setting the tone for the future.

I wasn't expecting to have these conversations in the context of a relationship quite so soon.

His older brother is more introverted, with the exception of the occasional fleeting crush. But I have been talking about consent and modeling it since my sons were babies.

The idea that young men need to learn about consent in high school or college goes hand-in-hand with the idea that sex education shouldn't be taught before then, either. Consent is an ongoing conversation in our home, framed to suit the situation. But now that my son has a girlfriend, I'm finding ways to introduce the concept of consent within a relationship on a level that he can understand.

From the time my sons were very little — before they could even talk — I started teaching them about body autonomy and consent.

"Do you want me to tickle you?" "Can I pick you up?" "Do you want me to brush your hair?"

I would ask whenever I could, waiting for their response before proceeding. Yes, of course, there are times when a young child needs to be picked up or hair needs to be brushed whether they want it or not, but there are just as many times when children can be given — and deserve — the right to choose. And so I let them decide whenever I can.

Teaching them that no one can touch them without permission was the first step in teaching them about respecting the boundaries of others.

I model the respect I expect them to extend to others. It is an ongoing lesson, as the most important lessons always are.

Of course they fight — what siblings don't? But I teach them that, whatever the game or activity, if someone says "Stop!" or "No!" they are to stop what they are doing.

To that end, I try to stay out of their squabbles and give them time to sort them out. If they don't stop, there are consequences. We talk about how it feels to have someone keep chasing, tickling, or bothering you when you've told them to stop. I watch their empathy for others grow as they consider how it feels to be little and have grownups want to touch their faces or hug them without permission. They're learning, and it gives me hope.

But now I'm having daily conversations with my youngest son about girlfriends and what is — and isn't — OK.

He knows he has to ask if she wants a hug before he touches her. He knows that it's rude to refer to her as "my girlfriend" when talking about her and that it's better, and more respectful, to use her name.

He knows that if he gives her a gift, he should give her a chance to respond instead of inundating her with more gifts. "Let's wait and see how she feels about this lovely picture you made her before you draw another one," I tell him, explaining how overwhelming it can be to have someone give you gifts when you're not ready for them or haven't had a chance to return the affection. Of course, I'm thinking about the boy I knew my junior year of high school who would constantly leave me trinkets of his affection at my locker — affection that wasn't reciprocated and made me uncomfortable, especially after I asked him to stop.

I don't know if I'm doing this right, honestly.

There are times when I think to myself, "But he's only 6! Why are we even having this conversation?" And then I remind myself, "If not now, when?"

I know what it means to be a girl in this world, and my sons are starting to hear my #MeToo stories, the ones they're old enough to understand. How do I talk about what's wrong in the world if I'm not willing to talk about the right behaviors, the right way to treat women?

I know my sons have a good role model in their father and in our marriage. I know they watch how my husband interacts with me, and I see it reflected in how they treat me. It's a start, but I know it's not enough in a world that sends mixed messages to boys about girls and how to treat them.

It's been eye-opening, seeing how my children regard consent.

I've seen how those early lessons in teaching them about their own right to say no have gone a long way in teaching them the empathy and respect they show for others now.

I know we're not done; we're only just starting. I know it's only going to get more complicated as they get older.

But at the end of the day, no matter their age, the core lesson is the same: respect people, care about how they are feeling in your interactions with them, and remember that others have a right to feel differently than you do and to set boundaries for what is OK with them. The situations will change, but those words will be repeated again and again.

Teaching consent is not a one-time discussion. It's something I want my sons to think about every single day.

This story originally appeared on Ravishly and is reprinted here with permission. More from Ravishly:

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    Behind the scenes with a dad who gained internet fame tweeting about his 4 daughters.

    When it comes to capturing the humor of parenting, James Breakwell is a pro.

    James Breakwell has four daughters between the ages of 1 and 6, well over half a million Twitter followers, and an unfailing sense of humor.

    James with three of his daughters. Image via James Breakwell, used with permission.

    Known on Facebook and Twitter as Exploding Unicorn, Breakwell has been sharing his and his wife's parenting adventures with the world since 2012. He writes about the joys and sorrows of fathering four girls, proving that humor can be found in even the smallest moments.

    Breakwell with his daughters dressed up as Harry Potter characters for Halloween. Image via James Breakwell, used with permission.

    Like any father, Breakwell enjoys watching his kids grow up.

    He loves watching their personalities change along with their likes and dislikes. "It’s fun to see what my daughters take an interest in and what they reject out of hand," he explained in an email.

    For now, the girls have a wide variety of hobbies. "They love princesses, sci-fi, and zombies, and it all gets blended together in games that are as weird as they are loud," Breakwell said. Only time will tell what those games turn into when there are four teenagers in the house.

    Raising four daughters comes with a unique set of challenges. But, Breakwell said, "whether it’s math, science, or zombie slaying, I teach my kids that both genders are equal at everything that matters."

    "Ultimately, I don’t know what it means to be a woman any more than they do right now," he continued. "It’s up to them to define that for themselves. I just have to make sure they’re confident enough to deal with any challenge, regardless of if it’s a sexist boss or an undead monster."

    And to their credit (and their parents'), the girls seem to be doing pretty well as far as confidence goes.

    Family photo time with four young kids. Image via James Breakwell, used with permission.

    What's the secret to getting such great tweets? Breakwell wrote that he spends all his time listening to his kids.

    "I don't have a choice," he said. "They never stop talking."

    And with four kids, he's got a lot of material to work with. Enough, actually, for an entire book. "Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent’s Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse" is a work in progress, scheduled to be published in late 2017. It'll be a combination of parenting tips, a zombie survival guide, and the same humor that gained Breakwell his internet fame to start with.

    The kids love being the subject of their dad's Twitter and are pretty convinced that he's a celebrity. Breakwell's wife, he explained, used to think the whole thing was a waste of time, but she's become more supportive as he's managed to secure a few ads.

    Overall, Breakwell described his parenting style as "results-oriented."

    "The ends justify the means," he said. "If my kids survive, I did a good job."

    His advice for other fathers is similarly lighthearted: "Don't worry too much. Kids are more durable than you think."

    Of course, there are tons of great dads like Breakwell (minus the Twitter account and a daughter or two) who are doing their best to help their daughters grow up well. The only difference is that in Breakwell's case, we all get to share in the comedy.

    A behind-the-scenes look at a family photo shoot. Image via James Breakwell, used with permission.

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    What's life like in Aleppo? This 7-year-old girl wants to show you.

    Using Twitter, Bana al-Abed and her mother show us what life is like in Aleppo.

    Most 7-year-olds don't have to grow up in a war zone; Bana al-Abed does.

    Back in September, Bana and her mother, Fatemah, opened a Twitter account and, like many Twitter users, began sharing details from their daily lives. Unlike most Twitter users, however, Bana and Fatemah live in Aleppo, Syria.

    Like other kids her age, Bana likes to spend time reading, writing, and drawing. Unlike others, escaping into reading is a distraction from the war, and her drawings are meant to get the attention of world leaders like Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, Russian President Vladimir Putin, and U.S. President Barack Obama.

    For more than five years, civil war has ravaged Syria. Perhaps no city understands this quite as well as Aleppo.

    As is often the case, the war in Syria is complicated beyond a simple "good guys vs. bad guys" narrative. Syrian forces, led by Assad's regime, along with Russia, have taken on rebel groups within the country — including ISIS. While Russia's involvement is for the stated purpose of fighting ISIS, the country's airstrikes have taken out hospitals, schools, and resulted in the deaths of many civilians.

    250,000 Syrian citizens have been killed, and more than 11 million Syrians have been displaced because of the war. Many of those who've fled their homes have sought refugee status; others, like Bana and Fatemah, have stayed behind. This is their home, and it's being destroyed.

    Syrian Civil Defence members search for victims in a destroyed building after reported air strikes in Aleppo in October 2016. Photo by Karam Al-Masri/AFP/Getty Images.

    Bana's tweets are a powerful reminder that as bombs fall, innocent lives are lost every day. She is a glimmer of humanity in a place that is often portrayed as faceless and lifeless.

    Life seems pretty grim for the 7-year-old, who tweeted, "I am very afraid I will die tonight," on Oct. 2.

    Death is inescapable and all around her. Bana has posted photos of dead children and dismembered limbs. (Warning: Those images are very graphic.) It's sad that anyone, let alone a child, should have to witness these kinds of horrors on a daily basis.

    Even the little joys in her life, such as the garden where she used to play, have been taken from her by the cruelty of war.

    Still, in all the sadness and worry, Bana holds out hope for a better world — one without bombs, killing, and destruction.

    "A time will come when it's raining normal and not raining bombs in Syria," Fatemah tweeted on Nov. 2. "Good night dear friends."

    In recent days, the bombings have gotten worse, and Bana's messages have become more direct.

    On Nov. 24, Bana posted a video with a simple message: "Someone save me."

    On Nov. 27, Fatemah shared a farewell message, certain that she and Bana would die in that night's bombings.

    Luckily, they survived the attack. Their home was destroyed, and they witnessed their friends' deaths. But they're still here.

    The very next day, Fatemah tweeted that they were under attack again.

    It's easy to feel detached when something is happening half a world away. Bana's tweets are a reminder of just what is at stake if we ignore what's happening in Aleppo. Luckily, there are some great groups doing important work to help people like Bana and Fatemah on the ground in Aleppo.

    There are steps you can take to help Bana, Fatemah, and others in Aleppo.

    Groups like the Syrian American Medical Society and Doctors Without Borders have been crucial in providing first-line medical help to civilians affected by the war. With the city's hospitals destroyed, their work is more important than ever. Questscope has been instrumental in getting Syrians basic supplies for living, and Save the Children has launched its own humanitarian response in the city.

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