upworthy

positivity

Health

Expert shares how people and families can fall into the curmudgeon trap and how to escape

It starts as a fear response and becomes an exhausting personality.

via Canva/Photos

Three people who ae very grumpy.

Is there anyone in your life who is negative about everything? They seem to lack joy and avoid positivity altogether. They mock people for their vulnerabilities and are always down to give you a dose of “realism” when you get your hopes up for anything. These people are known as curmudgeons and their Debbie Downer personalities can take over entire families and suck the joy out of everyone.

Why are people curmudgeonly?

Clinical psychologist, Dr. Angelica Shiels, recently broke down how people get infected with what she calls “curmudgeonitis” and how it can take over entire family identities. She says that it begins at first as an anxiety response. Because the person is afraid, they must think of potential dangers five steps ahead. But eventually, this becomes a personality type, even when they aren’t facing any threat. “So it becomes just like a personality style when it starts as an anxiety reaction,” Sheils said.

@dr..angelica.shie

#familysystems #toxicnegativity #connection #flight response #superiority #negative

Shiels says that this personality type can spread inside a family, engulfing everyone and even being passed down through generations. “This is when you have a very long line of nobody being vulnerable, including and especially the type of vulnerability that comes with being positive,” Shiels says. This personality pattern is terrible for individuals and families because it prevents people from truly feeling connected.

“Nobody connects or bonds over anything positive because that's just too vulnerable and then you don't end up having real relationship because you are depressing the life inside of you and you're gonna be ostracized if you don't go along with the chromaginitis rules of ‘we just give negative reviews’ and ‘ugh this this disgusting,’” Shiels continues.

Being part of a family or in a relationship with someone who reacts negatively to everything is incredibly stifling. If you like something, they think it’s bad. If you feel hopeful, they will try to squash it. If you think something went well, they will pick it apart. If you go to an event together, they will find a way to take the joy out of it, and if you’re looking for approval from them, it will never happen.

@dr..angelica.shie

Replying to @Grace Lawley #jung #anima #animus #rigid #neuroticism #balance #male #female #survival #creation

In a follow-up video, Shiels says people can overcome this incredible negative personality by being exposed to more creativity, wonder, and “lively flexibility,” or what Carl Jung called the anima. This can help them overcome their rigid mindset.

How to deal with negative people

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

But in the meantime, before the incredibly negative person (or people) in your life can break free from their rigid ways, how do you handle all that Debbie Downer energy? Mel Robbins, New York Times best-selling author, podcast host, and motivational expert, says that you should build up your “positivity shield.” She says you should create an imaginary positive force field yourself that allows you to smile and have a positive outlook, even in the presence of those who want to take you down.

“Your positivity shield protects you from negative energy bringing you down," Robbins says. "And here's the other thing, it's kind of contagious to other people, too. So, if you're positive, if you're smiling, if you don't let somebody bumping into you bother you … you can feel something lifting them, too.”

One of the greatest gifts a good therapist offers is helping you understand things in a way that protects you from toxic people and environments. Shiels' video reminds us that when we come across negative people, we should understand that it’s a coping mechanism that has stuck around far too long and treat it as such.

From Your Site Articles
psychology
Joy

17 heartwarming, funny and creative compliments that changed people's lives forever

"I wish you were my dad."

via Katie Treadway/Unsplash

A woman is complimented on her laugh.

Being the recipient of a great compliment can be really uplifting, especially if it is unexpected and makes you feel great about something you’re insecure about. Whether it’s our looks, personality, or how we handle our jobs, there’s always something we don’t feel right about and when someone gives an honest compliment, it can make you feel like a million bucks.

The great Mark Twain once said: “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”

Some compliments, when given by the right person at the right time, can be so powerful that they change the way we see ourselves. A Redditor named Curious-Repair-2606 asked people to share a “compliment you’ll never forget,” and nearly 2,000 people recounted the positive remarks they'll always remember.

The thread is a beautiful reminder to all of us to stop holding back on compliments and give them as freely as possible—that is, of course, if they are genuine.



Here are 17 of the best compliments that people will never forget.

1. "I wish you were my dad"

"Son's girlfriend: 'I wish you were my dad.' Could have cried."

2. "You're cute"

"A drunk girl at a concert told me I was cute. Still holding onto that one 5 years later."

3. A different type of guy

"She told me I was a 'man written by a woman.' Still not sure if it was a blessing or a curse I didn't pick up on the hint."

"As a lady, that usually means you’re doing a lot of things right. You’re a woman’s ideal."

"Definitely sounds like a blessing. Women often write fiction with emotionally competent, kind, passionate, hardworking men as the lead, so I'd say she was complimenting you."

4. "You're so beautiful"

"My fiancée Kayla, a few weeks before I lost her in a car accident, was watching me while I was doing something around our small apartment. She just kept smiling at me, and I asked her, 'Whatca smiling at baby?' She said so sweetly. 'You! You’re so beautiful.' I melted. As a man. I’ve never had such a wonderful compliment. My face turned bright red. She always made me smile."



5. The best dad

"My old boss and best friend were having lunch with a client and the subject of kids because the client was expecting. My boss said 'If you want to know how to be a good parent look at him (me) he's the best father I've ever known.'"

"That's a great compliment."

6. You're calm

"A friend called me calm and collected while I was dealing with social anxiety. They didn't know it, ofc m, but it made me question how I perceive myself compared to how others see me and helped me regain my self-confidence."

7. A princess

"When I was leaving my house for senior prom, a little girl walked by with her dad and said, 'Look, Daddy, a princess!' And i cried all my makeup off."

8. A great conversationalist

"14 years ago, a man sitting next to me on an airplane told me that I was the best conversationalist he'd ever met. He pointed to his headphones and said that he never talks to anyone on flights, but talked to me the whole time because I was so interesting to talk to. He gave me his business card and said he'd give me a sales job right now. It was SUCH a powerful complement that it changed the trajectory of my life and made me a much more confident person. Thanks, Monty, wherever you are now."



9. Radio voice

“'You have a great voice for radio.' Oddly enough I’ve gotten that same compliment a few times. Random for sure but was nice to hear."

"Same. I sometimes respond with 'Thanks. My wife also tells me that I have the face for radio too.'"

10. Great laugh

"Someone once told me my laugh could light up a room and it stuck with me."

11. Word to your mother

"I was 20 years old and working the ticket counter at the Amtrak station and I was chatting with a customer from Germany who was traveling solo around the US. It seemed like a friendly and standard conversation. I helped her with a smile, and she thanked me and walked away. Twenty minutes later she came back to my counter and handed me a small box of chocolate-covered blueberries and said, 'Please tell your mother she did a wonderful job raising you' and headed off to her gate. She didn't know that I had lost my mother to a drug overdose a couple months prior and was absolutely devastated on the inside. That single compliment and interaction has stuck with me for 22 years and I still think about that moment when I'm in a dark place. Wherever you are, friendly German tourist, thank you for giving me the strength to get through all those years ago."

12. Good-looking couple

"My ex and I were at Waffle House, and the waitress said, 'Wow, you two look like a couple out of a soap opera.' She sounded like that was a good thing."



13. A lively compliment

"My best friend got married a few months ago. I traveled to her city and stayed at her house for a week or so to help out and support her. Her sister has a 9-year-old son, and we spent some time together. It was my first time meeting them. After I got home from the wedding, my friend told me that the little boy had said, 'She breathed life into the place.' I just can’t forget what he said.

14. Good vibes

"Someone told me they liked my vibe. I’ll never forget that because it was about my personality and not my looks or style or something in that realm."

15. Great veins

"A nurse once said I’d make a great heroin addict because my veins are very visible."

16. Any hair will do

"My ex’s mom said 'I’ve seen you with long hair, a short bob, a long bob, and now a pixie, and you look absolutely beautiful with any hairstyle you choose.' I will never forget this compliment. I hated my ex, but her mom was such a sweetheart."

17. Never letting go

"That it took me 41 years to find you and I’m never letting go of you. That’s what my partner said to me the day we decided that we were more than friends and since then, our lives are just full of love and mutual respect."

From Your Site Articles
compliments
Joy

More than optimism: How to cultivate the world-changing power of hope

Optimism is a mindset. Hope is an action-oriented skill—and one that can be honed.

Photo by Andres Ayrton/Pexels

Hope is a skill.

Hope can be hard to find in tough times, and even when we catch a glimmer of hope, it can be hard to hold onto. And yet, the ability to remain hopeful in the face of hardship and adversity is an example of the human spirit we've seen displayed time and time again.

But what exactly is hope? How does hope differ from optimism, and how can we cultivate more of it in our lives?

Cynics may see hope as naive at best and as blind idealism at worst, but according to Thema Bryant, PhD, former president of the American Psychological Association, hope is really about staying open to the possibilities.

“Hope isn’t a denial of what is, but a belief that the current situation is not all that can be,” Bryant said, according to the APA. You can recognize something’s wrong, but also that it’s not the end of the story.”

People often think of hope and optimism as the same thing, but there are some key differences between them in the social psychology world. Optimism is a state of mind that sees the future through a positive lens and expects that it will be better than the present. Hope, on the other hand, is action-oriented. It involves having a goal for that positive future and making a concrete plan to move toward it.

“We often use the word ‘hope’ in place of wishing, like you hope it rains today or you hope someone’s well,” said Chan Hellman, PhD, a professor of psychology and founding director of University of Oklahoma's Hope Research Center. “But wishing is passive toward a goal, and hope is about taking action toward it.”

That sense of personal agency is the key difference between someone who is optimistic and someone who is hopeful, as the authors of the study, "Great expectations: A meta-analytic examination of optimism and hope," Gene M. Alarcon, Nathan A. Bowling and Steven Khazon wrote:

"Simply put, the optimistic person believes that somehow—either through luck, the actions of others, or one’s own actions—that his or her future will be successful and fulfilling. The hopeful person, on the other hand, believes specifically in his or her own capability for securing a successful and fulfilling future."

Both hope and optimism require a belief in a better future, but hope puts some of the power to make it happen into our own hands. And while hope and optimism are closely linked, they don't necessarily have to go together. As Arthur Brooks has pointed out, a person can be a hopeless optimist, believing in a better future but feeling helpless to do anything to create it, and a person can also be a hopeful pessimist who takes actions to improve things but still sees the future negatively.

Ideally, one would strive toward being an hopeful optimist. Why? Well, for one, both hope and optimism are good for our health, according to studies done on them. And secondly, hope is what motivates us to act. Without hope, we have a whole lot of people wishing for change but not actually doing anything about it.

But how do you become more hopeful if it doesn't come naturally? How do you hone hope?

An article on Psyche by Emily Esfahani Smith shared study findings on how to cultivate hope, which includes:

- Changing the story you tell yourself about adversity, remembering that hard times are temporary

- Focusing on the things you have control over, like your routines, habits and the way you treat other people

- Reframing obstacles as challenges to overcome rather than immovable limitations

- Looking to your past successes instead of your past failures

- Asking yourself what you hope for and then continuing to answer until you find an attainable goal

- Envisioning that goal and mapping out a plan to move towards it

Being hopeful about your own future may feel like a different beast than having hope in humanity's future, but we all have a role to play in creating a better world and hope is the driver strives to make it happen. As Augustine of Hippo allegedly said, "Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are." If we find ourselves angry at the way things are, we need to find the courage to act. The question of what actions to take may remain, but we need the belief and conviction to act that hope provides in order to figure it out.

Most importantly to remember is that hope is a choice. It may not come naturally or easily to everyone, but hope is something we can choose to nurture in ourselves as well as encourage in others.

From Your Site Articles
hope
Joy

Woman reveals she 'forgets' to end phone calls with daughter-in-law to secretly lift her up

We should all get to experience this at least once.

Photo by SHVETS production/Pexels

This mother-in-law's secret uplift hack has people cheering her on.

Overhearing someone talking negatively about you behind your back can be devastating, but hearing someone talk about you positively can be life-changing in the best way. Especially, perhaps, when that someone is your mother-in-law.

Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships are known for being a mixed bag, with some being notoriously filled with conflict and fault-finding. But one mother-in-law's secret habit of letting her daughter-in-law eavesdrop on her when she thinks she accidently forgot to hang up the phone has people cheering her thoughtfulness.

In response to the question, "What secret are you currently hiding from someone that you're willing to share on Reddit?" user Kindly-Article-9357 wrote:

"I've started to on occasion 'accidentally' (but on purpose) not hang up my phone correctly when getting off a call with my daughter-in-law.

I then proceed to talk to my husband about how much I enjoy talking to her, how lovely I think she is, how glad I am that our son chose her, and whatever other boost I may think she needs.

She doesn't have any family that uplifts her, just the kind that tears her down."

"I started doing this after my son told me about his wife coming to him in full-on snot tears, because I had once butt dialed her while talking to my husband about her. She stayed on the line to hear what I 'really' thought of her, expecting the worst because that's been her experience of family.

Apparently, she was quite touched by the things I said, and my son told me it gave her a confidence boost that lasted weeks.

So I do it more often now. Neither of them have any idea I do it on purpose, though. They just think I'm getting old and worse at managing my tech."

People loved how the woman went out of her way to not only let her daughter-in-law know she thinks she's great but to do it in a way that might truly make her believe it. Having someone praise you to your face is great, but hearing it from someone who doesn't know you're listening just hits different.

"Years ago we called my parents to tell them we were expecting our 2nd child. My dad failed to hang up when the call ended and I heard him tell my mom how glad he was to get the news because we were such good parents. I have NEVER forgotten that sweet affirmation that wouldn’t have hit as true if he had said it TO me."

"Similarly, I talk about my 7 year old to my friends and family and discuss how amazing he is. He can be all the way in his room but I know he’s listening (he’s nosey). I can tell it boosts his confidence. It’s one thing to tell someone directly, but it hits different when you’re ear hustling."

"I once heard, 'Kids think about themselves based on how we talk about them. What they hear is what they believe.' I think each of us has an inner kid that feels the same, to some extent. And I’m sure her inner kid needed to hear those things."

"My boyfriend did this accidentally one day at work...he and I both forgot to hang up and I heard him talking to his coworker, I was afraid I'd hear something I didn't like not that he has ever spoken ill abt me to anyone I just have low self esteem..but he went on to tell his buddy how smart I am, how I just know all sorts of neat and interesting facts how I teach him something new everyday and I just melted I tried yelling into the phone to tell him I love him but obvs he couldn't hear lol its the lil things in life that I cling to most."

"I do this any time people leave a conversation. Just before they leave the room, I say to the rest of the group, 'I love hanging out with XX' or 'XX is just so nice.' Or when someone is leaving the car, you do it right before they close the door."

It's a good reminder to talk positively about people whether they're around or not. Only good can come from lifting others up, especially when they weren't even meant to hear it in the first place.

From Your Site Articles
family
Trending Stories