Kids don't listen? Expert says stop constantly saying 'no' and try this approach instead.
"Your kids will never know what you want them to do if you only ever tell them what not to do."
A young boy with his hands over his ears.
There isn’t a parent alive who doesn’t get tired of constantly correcting their child’s behavior by saying, “Don’t do this” or “Stop doing that.” What makes things even worse is that it can feel like no matter how many times we tell our kids to “stop standing on the couch” or “don’t slam the door,” they never seem to listen.
Jenna Mazzillo says that kids may not be responding to our “stop no don’ts” because they aren’t sure what they should be doing instead. Mazzillo shared her thoughts in a recent Instagram reel that was a big help to many frustrated parents. Mazzillo is a board-certified behavior analyst and special education teacher with 13 years of experience who goes by @abanaturally on Instagram,
How do I get my kids to listen?
“Here's the thing about when we use those ‘don't’ and ‘no’ statements. We're never telling our children what they should be doing. What should they be doing instead?” she said. “Additionally, we're just drawing attention to the very thing that we don't want our children to be doing.”
Mazillo’s advice makes a lot of sense. Learning the correct thing to do is impossible when we are only told what we shouldn’t be doing.
“So what should we do instead?” Mazzillo continued. “Tell our children exactly what we want them to be doing. Instead of saying, ‘Don't put your feet on the chair,’ we would want to say, ‘Put your feet down.’ Instead of saying, ‘Don't talk to me like that,’ tell your child exactly what you want them to say.”
Mazzillo shared some examples of how to implement her positive approach on Instagram.
- Instead of saying, “Be careful!” try, “Hold onto the railing as you go down the stairs.” This gives them a specific action that promotes safety.
- Instead of “Don’t touch that!” try, “Let’s keep our hands to ourselves when we’re in the store.”
- Rather than “Hurry up!” try, “Put your shoes on so we’re ready to go.” Instead of saying, “Be careful!” try, “Hold onto the railing as you go down the stairs.” This gives them a specific action that promotes safety.
What is positive parenting?
Mazillo’s approach is part of a positive parenting philosophy that guides children with empathy, love and respect. The approach emphasizes building strong relationships, clear communication and teaching through encouragement rather than punishment.
Parenting author and public speaker Kara Carerro agrees with Mazzillo’s approach. “We must affirm what our children need to do. Rather than discipline and teach them by telling them what not to do, it’s a lot easier to tell them exactly what we want them to do. In telling a child not to hit, maybe he thinks, ‘Well, can I kick?’” she writes at Extremely Good Parenting. “In the end, my parenting has become much more intentional, using negative language and ‘no’ less and coming up with a more positive approach. It makes the power of ‘no’ retain its meaning and has created clear boundaries for my children.”
Ultimately, Mazillo’s positive parenting approach effectively communicates to your child what they should be doing instead of what they shouldn’t. So, it’s unsurprising that it helps them develop good listening skills, too. “If we want to be crystal clear so that our children understand what we want them to do, then make sure when you're telling them what to do, you use it in a positive phrase and avoid using those no and don't statements,” Mazzillo concludes her video.
