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imposter syndrome

Fatherhood

Dad who grew up poor perfectly explains why it’s so hard to shake the poverty mindset

Even when you're doing well, the mindset never seems to go away.

via Blake Kasemeier, used with permission.

Blake Kasemeier and his children.

A video created by Blake Kasemeier has made a lot of people feel seen because it perfectly explains the mindset people develop when they grow up poor. But it’s not just about remembering the hard times of the past. It describes how even though Kasemeier has overcome poverty as an adult, the effects of growing up financially disadvantaged still follow him to this day.

Kasemeier tells stories on social media about parenting, grief, growing up and where they sometimes collide. He documented the loss of his mom in the 2019 podcast series “Good Grief” and has written for some of the world’s leading health and fitness brands.

The video begins with Kasemeier admitting that when he was young, he'd always save half of his food until he got home "just in case." It was a symptom of living in a financially unstable family with a single mother who had him at 23 years old. To help them get by, she occasionally wrote "hot checks" at the grocery store and blasted a Counting Crows tape to cover up any scary sounds coming out of the car.

Even though sometimes it seemed like they wouldn't get by and it was “close most days” — "moms always find a way."

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The video ends with a poignant stanza about the lasting effects of growing up in an economically unstable home.

“It sits inside of you. Kinda like a worry but a lot like a flame,” Kasemeier says. “These days, we are doing alright. Maybe the fire finally went out, but there is a part of me that will always taste the smoke.”

"The thing about being born rich or, rather, not poor, is that when you are broke, it feels like you are a tourist on a bad trip. A place that you don't belong," Kasemeier continues. "The thing about being born the other way around, is that as hard as you work to escape it, it's always gonna kinda feel like home

The post received some emotional reactions from people on Instagram.

"I feel the last sentence is the most profound of this video—and the underlying sense of entitlement many have vs the underlying sense of lack of self-worth others may have," thewitchofportobell0 wrote.

"Tasting the smoke is a great way to put this. Growing up this way really makes you look at some of your frugality and not norm habits in a new light. Hard to relearn," Jakemerten added.

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Even though there were hardships growing up in an economically disadvantaged family, Kasemeier wouldn’t have it any other way.

“I am deeply grateful for the way I was raised,” he told Upworthy. “Unfortunately, everyone experiences some trauma in their upbringing—I wouldn't want to trade mine for someone else's. I grew up to be grateful for what I have and without a feeling of entitlement to success: I expected that everything that came to me was going to come through hard work and being kind to people and that has served me very well. It also allowed me to have a great deal of empathy for what everyone is going through.”

Kasemeier further explained the mindset to help those who weren’t raised in that environment better understand the mentality.

“I can tell you that what I experience is a feeling that the other shoe is going to drop, that when I'm up (financially), I don't expect it to last—that leads to a lot of imposter syndrome,” he told Upworthy. “There are little things—like constant anxiety that your card will decline when you go to check out at a grocery store (knowing full well that you have more than enough money). There are big things, like financial literacy.”

The video talks about economic insecurity, but is also touching tribute to his late mother, who, as he said in the post, found “a way.”

“She came from a tiny farm in rural Arkansas, moved to Hollywood where she met my dad and had me at 23 without a degree or any connections,” Kasemeier told Upworthy. “They had a shotgun wedding and divorced shortly after, my mom was left to navigate parenthood in a pretty challenging way—something I appreciate so much having kids of my own at a totally different place in my life than she was.”

This article originally appeared on 2.8.24

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French chef Jacques Pépin is a living legend.

He's an OG culinary genius, known the world over for his prowess in the kitchen, expert hand, and encyclopedic knowledge of all things French cuisine and technique.

Pépin flips crepes with (from right) Michelle Obama, Kelly Ripa, and Al Roker like it's nothing. Photo by Roger L. Wollenberg-Pool/Getty Images.

On a recent episode of "PBS NewsHour," Pépin shared his thoughts on recipes and how (in few words) he thinks they're kind of BS.

(OK, it sounded much more articulate and French than that.)

Pépin told a story about crafting a recipe for pears with caramel sauce. He made the dessert three different ways, and it turned out OK each time.

GIF via "PBS NewsHour."

For Pépin, this was proof that recipes are not the be-all end-all; they're just a place to begin — a Point A for a Point B yet to be determined. He said:

"So, what is the point of a recipe? A recipe is a teaching tool, a guide, a point of departure. ... But as you make [the dish] again and again, you will change it, you will massage it to fit your own taste, your own sense of aesthetic."

You hear that? You get to make the recipe, the technique, and the method work for you.

Yep, just like that.

But this idea doesn't just apply to cooking. Turns out that it's much, much bigger.

Pépin probably didn't intend to illuminate a beautiful truth about life in a four-minute segment about pears with caramel sauce. But he did.

Walk with me.

Each of us, through our parents, tradition, school, or cultural and societal expectations are handed a recipe for life. Here in the States, the recipe might look something like this:

Go to school. Don't make trouble. Find a job. Meet a life partner. Marry them. Raise a kid or two. Complain about Mondays. Retire. Have a quiet life. Die peacefully.

But, like Pépin suggests, every recipe leaves room to improvise and get creative.

You can follow the recipe to the letter or use it as a jumping-off point, but either way, the methods, techniques, and ingredients are up to you.

It may be scary. It may be challenging. But the adventure is all yours.

GIF via "The Simpsons."

Thinking about my own experiences in this frame made me better equipped to fight my own case of imposter syndrome.

Imposter syndrome is that nagging feeling that you're not as talented or as smart as you seem to others. Despite some levels of achievement or success, you always live in fear of being exposed as a fraud.

If you've felt a similar feeling, you're not alone. Even Maya Angelou (yeah, that Maya Angelou) dealt with it. She said, "I have written 11 books, but each time I think, 'Uh oh, they’re going to find out now.'"

You earned every bit of praise, Dr. Angelou!

Thanks to social media, I get to see my peers hit every prescribed adult milestone in living color. Every beautiful wedding, island vacation, new home, new car, and chubby baby along the way. I've always been happy for them (they're my friends after all), but a little part of me always felt like I was two steps behind.

But with this new frame, I'm reminded that when it comes to "adulting," we're all just experimenting in the kitchen. We're using the methods that work best for our circumstances to create something beautiful — a life well lived. It doesn't matter how we get there or when, only that we do.

I am not a phony. I'm just doing the best I can. We all are.

So next time you're in the kitchen (or at your high school reunion), remember that perfectly executing a recipe is not necessarily the definition of success.

Whether it's poached pears or a Ph.D., you decide what comes next. Recipes and roadmaps can only take you so far.

It's up to you to shake things up, get creative, and have some adventures along the way.

Another French chef who knows a thing about adventures. GIF via "Ratatouille."

Hungry for more? Watch Chef Pépin's video essay from "PBS NewsHour."

You may suffer from 'impostor syndrome.' Lots of smart people with signs of high achievement do.

Sometimes it feels like you have to wait for some official entity's permission to do the work you feel called to do.

Lots of people have projects they've been sitting on.

For some people, it's legitimately because some thing they need to move forward has stalled or because they really do have too much on their plate to get to it.

But for many people, it's something else entirely. It's this gripping fear that can set in, making you doubt whether you have any place at all trying to do the work you feel called to do.

Putting yourself out there can be a real internal struggle. Image by Andrew Smith/Flickr.

Maybe it's a book you keep meaning to write. Maybe it's a class about a very specific subject matter you know about that you would like to teach. Maybe it's an art project you don't think anyone would take seriously. That obstacle is called "impostor syndrome."

I'm going to break down what it is here and give you two easy-to-remember steps that you can use to keep working on your project in spite of suffering from this fear.

There's a tension between what comes naturally and what we value.

As Carl Richards, The New York Times' "Sketch Guy," explains:

"Two American psychologists, Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes, gave it a name in 1978: the impostor syndrome. They described it as a feeling of 'phoniness in people who believe that they are not intelligent, capable or creative despite evidence of high achievement.' While these people 'are highly motivated to achieve,' they also 'live in fear of being "found out" or exposed as frauds.'"

Sometimes because a skill we have comes easily to us, we think it must not be that valuable. So when we try to pass it off as valuable, we think we must be fooling people.

Sketch by Carl Richards, used with permission.

Remember, what's easy to you may be really quite difficult for someone else, and that's why what you're good at has value. What's important is to try to see that fear for what it is and overcome it, even if just long enough to keep taking next steps with your work. And speaking of next steps:

There are pretty much two main steps to doing cool things.

I wish I could remember where I read this several years back because I'd love to give credit, but it's one of those things I can't seem to trace back (hit me up on Twitter if you know who coined these). But the tenets stuck with me at a time when I really needed to hear them. When you're feeling paralyzed by "impostor syndrome," it can be helpful to remember that there is a pretty simple process that nearly anyone who succeeds at anything has undertaken.

1. Create value.

Create something! It doesn't necessarily have to mean forging something out of raw materials in a crafty, artsy way. If you write, write. If you kick ass at connecting with people on social media, build a community. If you make amazing bagels, make them! If you sketch, sketch. If you have brilliant ideas for your neighborhood, start working on them. Making the crucial leap from thought to action is what's important.

2. Bring that value to the market.

Now here's the thing. "Market" implies you have to figure out how to monetize it. But that's not necessarily true. It can mean that, but it doesn't have to. Really, bringing the value you've created to "the market" just means getting it in front of people. Show it to people who are doing similar things, show it to people who might be able to benefit from it, show it to people who just might get joy out of it. You may figure out a way to monetize it, and hey, that's cool. Or you may just spark a new collaboration or open a door to some other next steps in doing whatever the thing is that you like doing.

Understanding impostor syndrome can be life-changing — hear Carl Richards discuss on his show, "Behavior Gap," the day he found out from his therapist that this feeling he was having had a name.

Richards learned how to look at his impostor syndrome as a friend and ultimately was able to manage it and make it work in his favor instead of stopping him from accomplishing his work.

With a little practice, I bet you and I could do the same.