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imposter syndrome

Mental Health

15 hard truths that people swear made their lives so much better

You might be the bad guy in someone else's story.

via Liza Summer/Pexels
A woman learns a harsh truth about her friends.

A significant part of adulthood is realizing that many uncomfortable truths are indeed real, even if we wish they weren’t. At first, these harsh truths may dampen our spirits and make us feel that the world is a bit colder. However, understanding some of life's hard lessons opens us up to greater possibilities and can help us overcome the obstacles holding us back.

Harsh truths help us realize when relationships aren’t as great as they can be. They also prevent us from having too much faith in people and institutions that will ultimately disappoint us. Knowing dark truths can also help us appreciate the things that are truly beautiful, honest, and good. A Redditor named Rare_Can_5418 asked the AskReddit forum, “What difficult truths, the sooner you accept them, the better your life will be?” and received over 6,500 responses. Many of them were centered around harsh truths about relationships and the fact that even if we do our best in life, we can still end up with the short end of the stick.

The key is to keep going and never let failure get you down.

Here are 15 of the “difficult truths” that made people’s lives a lot better.

1. Stop comparing yourself

"There will always be someone better looking, better educated, younger, more experienced, more intelligent or wealthier than you. Do your best, live without regret, have empathy and kindness, give when you can, expecting nothing in return. Focus on your heart value more than what others have."

"Comparison is the thief of joy."

Research shows we have a tendency to compare ourselves to highly visible and highly skilled people, which makes us feel worse. We wonder why we can't cook as well as our foodie friend or why we're not as organized and put-together as our Type A neighbor. No wonder comparisons make us feel like crap!

harsh truths, hard truths, life lessons, reality, adult life, adulting, psychology, imposter syndrome, askreddit, life hacks Comparison is the thief of joy. Giphy

2. Some people won't like you

"You can be sweetest, juiciest peach on the tree. But some people don't like peaches."

"In Spanish, there's a saying: 'Nadie es moneda de oro para que lo quiera todo el mundo,' which translates to something like nobody is a gold coin to be liked/wanted by everyone else."

Worrying too much about making everyone like you is a quick path to becoming a people pleaser, an impossible task that takes a serious toll on your mental health.

3. Things are just things

"They don’t have feelings. They don’t care if you give them away or sell them or throw them out. If a thing is useful, keep it. If not, get rid of it."

Psychologists refer to perceiving that inanimate objects have feelings as anthropomorphizing. Psych Central says that humans project feelings onto objects to relate to them more deeply. "People generally anthropomorphize to make sense of events and behaviors they experience. Further, attributing emotions, attitudes, mental states, faces, and values to non-human things can help you feel connected to something," Sarah Barkley writes in a PhD-reviewed article.

harsh truths, hard truths, life lessons, reality, adult life, adulting, psychology, imposter syndrome, askreddit, life hacks Things don't care if you throw them away. Giphy

4. Not all friendships last

"Surprisingly though, the ones that last are not necessarily the best (or even good) ones."

"Most friendships are based on convenience, I've found. Unless two people are willing to put in a lot of effort, time and distance will do more to end a friendship than any disagreement."

It's natural and OK to outgrow friendships. If you've put in a solid effort and it's not working the way it used to, being comfortable with letting the relationship go will do wonders for your guilt and stress levels.

5. You may be the bad guy

"You can do your best with someone and still be the villain in their story."

"One of my current favourite memes is: I don't care if I'm the villain in your story, you're the clown in mine."

The truth is we're all just people doing our best, even the people who have wronged you.


harsh truths, hard truths, life lessons, reality, adult life, adulting, psychology, imposter syndrome, askreddit, life hacks You might be the villain in someone's story. Giphy

6. You can't change people

"You can only help people who actually want it. If they’re not ready to change or put in the effort, there’s not much you can do. Realizing this can save you a lot of frustration and help you focus on people who actually appreciate your help."

"It’s always tough having those friends who are constantly complaining but doing nothing to address what they are complaining about. But as an adult, you just have to sit there and listen. No point in offering help to someone who isn’t asking for it. Kinda like how it’s really tough to teach someone who isn’t interested in being taught."

Expecting others to change is bound to lead to disappointment. There's a saying that goes, "When people show you who they are, believe them." Hoping and wishing and working to make them somewhere else, more often than not, gets you nowhere.

7. How we judge ourselves and others

"We judge ourselves by our intentions. We judge others by their actions."

"In psychology, this is called fundamental attribution error."

The Fundamental Attribution Error is a psychological phenomenon where we assume someone's actions reflect their personality without considering the situation. It's like when we blame someone's driving skills for being in an accident instead of the curvy road.

harsh truths, hard truths, life lessons, reality, adult life, adulting, psychology, imposter syndrome, askreddit, life hacks We judge others differently than how we judge ourselves. Giphy

8. Depending on people

"Once you're an adult, there really isn't anyone you can 100% depend on except yourself. There will still be people in your life to lean on, but everyone has their limits in how they can help you."

Perhaps one of the harshest truths of all, but once you accept it, the path forward becomes extremely clear. It's up to you to make everything happen, and there's really no one else to blame if you don't.

9. Nice doesn't equal good

"Nice people aren't always good people."

"One of my bosses doesn't greet/make small talk and is known for being quite firm. He's been the most helpful throughout my most difficult period dealing with tragedy. Some people with that personality type simply get things done when you need them done without the chattering."

Niceness can even be toxic when it's not coming from a place of genuine authenticity. Sometimes hard conversations and conflict are necessary, and avoiding them is not healthy.

10. Everything is temporary

"You can suddenly lose anything and anyone at any time...and maybe all at once or in quick succession without so much warning."

11. Nobody is thinking about you

"In general, people in the real world are oblivious to you. You're not even a blip on their radar. If you're insecure about something you wear or how you look, remember: nobody cares."

Worried about something small like how the sleeves on your shirt fit you? It's OK if you care, but no one else will. People are far too consumed with their own lives and problems to remember the minutiae of some stranger they saw in passing. Accepting this is incredibly freeing!

harsh truths, hard truths, life lessons, reality, adult life, adulting, psychology, imposter syndrome, askreddit, life hacks Nobody is paying attention to you (and that's a good thing). Giphy

12. No one is coming to save you

"No one is coming to save you, so you have to do it all yourself."

"And once you internalize this and do it, your self-esteem will be through the roof."

13. Nobody knows what they're doing

"Before i graduated high school I thought, thank god, I finally won’t have to deal with annoying obnoxious kids and I’ll be treated like an adult, I come to find out 95% of adults are worse then the actual kids, nobody knows what they’re actually doing and life is actually a big joke."

This realization could help cure your Imposter Syndrome. Most people are just making it up as they go along and so you shouldn't feel ashamed of doing the same.

14. Love is reciprocal

"If a romantic interest is not giving you the same attention/respect you give them, they don't really care about or want you, and you're in for a world of hurt if you keep telling yourself otherwise."


harsh truths, hard truths, life lessons, reality, adult life, adulting, psychology, imposter syndrome, askreddit, life hacks We accept the love we think we deserve. Giphy

15. Who's good for you?

"People who are good for you will make you feel happy, joyful, accepted, cared for, and filled with fun times, despite any differences. People who are not good for you will make you feel anxious, sad, down, slighted, judged, and never check in on you if you're not okay, and won't even bother noticing when you're not okay. Genuine people will never let you suffer in silence or watch you suffer. Stay away from those who make you feel negative emotions and thoughts."

These are called harsh or hard truths for a reason. It's human nature to feel self-conscious, feel like an imposter, try to change people, or worry if other people like us. But the more of these you can free yourself from, the better you'll feel.

This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

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How a famous French chef helped me fight impostor syndrome.

French chef Jacques Pépin is a living legend.

He's an OG culinary genius, known the world over for his prowess in the kitchen, expert hand, and encyclopedic knowledge of all things French cuisine and technique.

Pépin flips crepes with (from right) Michelle Obama, Kelly Ripa, and Al Roker like it's nothing. Photo by Roger L. Wollenberg-Pool/Getty Images.

On a recent episode of "PBS NewsHour," Pépin shared his thoughts on recipes and how (in few words) he thinks they're kind of BS.

(OK, it sounded much more articulate and French than that.)

Pépin told a story about crafting a recipe for pears with caramel sauce. He made the dessert three different ways, and it turned out OK each time.

GIF via "PBS NewsHour."

For Pépin, this was proof that recipes are not the be-all end-all; they're just a place to begin — a Point A for a Point B yet to be determined. He said:

"So, what is the point of a recipe? A recipe is a teaching tool, a guide, a point of departure. ... But as you make [the dish] again and again, you will change it, you will massage it to fit your own taste, your own sense of aesthetic."

You hear that? You get to make the recipe, the technique, and the method work for you.

Yep, just like that.

But this idea doesn't just apply to cooking. Turns out that it's much, much bigger.

Pépin probably didn't intend to illuminate a beautiful truth about life in a four-minute segment about pears with caramel sauce. But he did.

Walk with me.

Each of us, through our parents, tradition, school, or cultural and societal expectations are handed a recipe for life. Here in the States, the recipe might look something like this:

Go to school. Don't make trouble. Find a job. Meet a life partner. Marry them. Raise a kid or two. Complain about Mondays. Retire. Have a quiet life. Die peacefully.

But, like Pépin suggests, every recipe leaves room to improvise and get creative.

You can follow the recipe to the letter or use it as a jumping-off point, but either way, the methods, techniques, and ingredients are up to you.

It may be scary. It may be challenging. But the adventure is all yours.

GIF via "The Simpsons."

Thinking about my own experiences in this frame made me better equipped to fight my own case of imposter syndrome.

Imposter syndrome is that nagging feeling that you're not as talented or as smart as you seem to others. Despite some levels of achievement or success, you always live in fear of being exposed as a fraud.

If you've felt a similar feeling, you're not alone. Even Maya Angelou (yeah, that Maya Angelou) dealt with it. She said, "I have written 11 books, but each time I think, 'Uh oh, they’re going to find out now.'"

You earned every bit of praise, Dr. Angelou!

Thanks to social media, I get to see my peers hit every prescribed adult milestone in living color. Every beautiful wedding, island vacation, new home, new car, and chubby baby along the way. I've always been happy for them (they're my friends after all), but a little part of me always felt like I was two steps behind.

But with this new frame, I'm reminded that when it comes to "adulting," we're all just experimenting in the kitchen. We're using the methods that work best for our circumstances to create something beautiful — a life well lived. It doesn't matter how we get there or when, only that we do.

I am not a phony. I'm just doing the best I can. We all are.

So next time you're in the kitchen (or at your high school reunion), remember that perfectly executing a recipe is not necessarily the definition of success.

Whether it's poached pears or a Ph.D., you decide what comes next. Recipes and roadmaps can only take you so far.

It's up to you to shake things up, get creative, and have some adventures along the way.

Another French chef who knows a thing about adventures. GIF via "Ratatouille."

Hungry for more? Watch Chef Pépin's video essay from "PBS NewsHour."

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You may suffer from 'impostor syndrome.' Lots of smart people with signs of high achievement do.

Sometimes it feels like you have to wait for some official entity's permission to do the work you feel called to do.

Lots of people have projects they've been sitting on.

For some people, it's legitimately because some thing they need to move forward has stalled or because they really do have too much on their plate to get to it.

But for many people, it's something else entirely. It's this gripping fear that can set in, making you doubt whether you have any place at all trying to do the work you feel called to do.

Putting yourself out there can be a real internal struggle. Image by Andrew Smith/Flickr.

Maybe it's a book you keep meaning to write. Maybe it's a class about a very specific subject matter you know about that you would like to teach. Maybe it's an art project you don't think anyone would take seriously. That obstacle is called "impostor syndrome."

I'm going to break down what it is here and give you two easy-to-remember steps that you can use to keep working on your project in spite of suffering from this fear.

There's a tension between what comes naturally and what we value.

As Carl Richards, The New York Times' "Sketch Guy," explains:

"Two American psychologists, Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes, gave it a name in 1978: the impostor syndrome. They described it as a feeling of 'phoniness in people who believe that they are not intelligent, capable or creative despite evidence of high achievement.' While these people 'are highly motivated to achieve,' they also 'live in fear of being "found out" or exposed as frauds.'"

Sometimes because a skill we have comes easily to us, we think it must not be that valuable. So when we try to pass it off as valuable, we think we must be fooling people.

Sketch by Carl Richards, used with permission.

Remember, what's easy to you may be really quite difficult for someone else, and that's why what you're good at has value. What's important is to try to see that fear for what it is and overcome it, even if just long enough to keep taking next steps with your work. And speaking of next steps:

There are pretty much two main steps to doing cool things.

I wish I could remember where I read this several years back because I'd love to give credit, but it's one of those things I can't seem to trace back (hit me up on Twitter if you know who coined these). But the tenets stuck with me at a time when I really needed to hear them. When you're feeling paralyzed by "impostor syndrome," it can be helpful to remember that there is a pretty simple process that nearly anyone who succeeds at anything has undertaken.

1. Create value.

Create something! It doesn't necessarily have to mean forging something out of raw materials in a crafty, artsy way. If you write, write. If you kick ass at connecting with people on social media, build a community. If you make amazing bagels, make them! If you sketch, sketch. If you have brilliant ideas for your neighborhood, start working on them. Making the crucial leap from thought to action is what's important.

2. Bring that value to the market.

Now here's the thing. "Market" implies you have to figure out how to monetize it. But that's not necessarily true. It can mean that, but it doesn't have to. Really, bringing the value you've created to "the market" just means getting it in front of people. Show it to people who are doing similar things, show it to people who might be able to benefit from it, show it to people who just might get joy out of it. You may figure out a way to monetize it, and hey, that's cool. Or you may just spark a new collaboration or open a door to some other next steps in doing whatever the thing is that you like doing.

Understanding impostor syndrome can be life-changing — hear Carl Richards discuss on his show, "Behavior Gap," the day he found out from his therapist that this feeling he was having had a name.

Richards learned how to look at his impostor syndrome as a friend and ultimately was able to manage it and make it work in his favor instead of stopping him from accomplishing his work.

With a little practice, I bet you and I could do the same.

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