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Woman shares eye-opening video of what a birthday surprise from an abusive partner looks like

Abuse doesn't always look like abuse.

Lindsay Goodman|TikTok

Woman shares video of what domestic abuse can look like.

Being in an abusive relationship isn't typically something people flaunt around social media or their personal lives. Abuse can be difficult to recognize sometimes, even when you're the one being abused, especially if the abuse isn't physical. Emotional and verbal abuse behind closed doors while the abuser behaves differently in public can make you feel like your own perception can't be trusted.

Lindsay Goodman reposted a video from January 2022, where she reveals the behind-the-scenes of a birthday surprise from her abusive ex-partner. Goodman's birthday is August 10, and she has been reposting the video on her birthday every year to show her growth since leaving her partner.

Without the text overlay explaining what was going on, the birthday surprise seemed like an extremely sweet gesture filmed from the ex-partner's perspective. The original video has over 2.2 million likes and more than 13.4K comments on TikTok.

In the video, Goodman rounds the corner smiling, seemingly nervously as she sees her ex-partner filming her.

"Coming home from doing an activity alone because your partner didn't want to go," the text on the screen says. "Confused that they actually did something for you. Trying to look happy and thankful, but suspicious at the same time."

Goodman also includes little notes in the corner of the screen that explains she's nervously eating berries and the flowers she's holding are ones she bought for herself. She reveals that she isn't sure if her partner will remain nice after the camera stops or if this will be the last time they'll be nice for a while.

The video ends with Goodman blowing out the candle on her cupcake, still smiling and nervously eating berries. Her short, vulnerable post proves that all abuse doesn't look like bruises and cop calls. Sometimes it looks like outward smiles while you're internally terrified for the moment to pass.

Watch the powerful video below:

@lindsaygoodmancoaching

I’ll take 50 bdays alone over this. #narcabuse #traumabond #youareworthy #wlw #lesbian #latebloominglesbian #happybirthday #healingtiktok

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Lawmakers spotted a secret weapon in the fight against domestic abuse: hairstylists.

Joan Each Rowan has no idea how many people her salons have helped throughout the years.

The evidence, however, quietly speaks for itself.

You can see it in the disappearing "how to get help" brochures off the counter. You'll spot it on tab flyers that hang on a wall or bulletin board — the ones where you tear off a strip with a number to call.

"Those need to be replaced — and often," says Rowan, who owns the two Everything's Relative salons on Chicago's south side.

Photo via Everything's Relative Salon, used with permission.

For the past 20 years, Rowan has been pushing for her salon to be a place where people get help with more than just their hair. With assistance from advocates committed to ending domestic violence, she's been teaching her stylists what to do (and what not to do) if they suspect or know a client is being abused at home.She also places resources, like the brochures, in discreet areas of her businesses, such as the bathroom, for clients to take with them if they need help.

Now, the stylists at Everything's Relative Salons have become unlikely warriors in the fight against domestic abuse. Soon, every other stylist in Illinois will be too.

Illinois just became the first state to require that all licensed beauty professionals take an hour-long course on how to spot domestic abuse.

Starting on Jan. 1, 2017, new cosmetologists will have to take the course in order to obtain their license, as the Chicago Tribune reported. The training will also be folded into continuing education requirements stylists must complete every two years to renew their credentials.

Although Rowan wasn't the first or only salon professional to implement her own training without a law telling her to do so, Everything's Relative has been at the forefront of the issue for decades, having realized the important connection between the seriousness of domestic abuse and the simplicity of getting a haircut.

We at Everything's Relative would like to wish you and your family a Happy Holiday 🎁❄🎄☃🎅🏼🎁

Posted by Everything's Relative Oak Lawn on Saturday, December 24, 2016

Domestic abuse is an issue that no doubt affects many clients who walk through the doors at Everything's Relative — about 1 in 3 women and 1 in 7 men in the U.S. experience violence at the hands of a partner at some point in their lifetime, according to nonprofit Chicago Says No More. 

The thinking behind the new law — which was brought before legislators by Chicago Says No More — is both obvious and clever.

"[Clients] tell you a lot," says Rowan, who's worked in the industry for 42 years. "People talk to their hairdressers."

When clients talk, proponents of the law say, it only makes sense that cosmetologists should be prepared to listen and respond accordingly, if a red flag should arise.

The law — an amendment to the Barber, Cosmetology, Esthetics, Hair Braiding, and Nail Technology Act of 1985 — wasput in motion by Illinois Rep. Fran Hurley and State Senator Bill Cunningham, who said his wife's experience as a stylist years ago inspired him to act.

“She told me stories about her clients providing details about terrible incidents,” he explained to the New York Times. “She offered a sympathetic ear. She was young at the time and did not know how to get them help.”

The law aims to leave no stylist feeling like Cunningham's wife had — helpless and with few resources to provide a client in need.

The training will help stylists feel empowered about speaking up — without crossing a line, according to Rowan.

First and foremost, stylists are not required to report incidents of violence and won't be held liable in any case involving a client — an important aspect of the law meant to protect beauty professionals.

The training will, however, teach them how to spot signs of abuse and suggest resources clients can access (such as nearby safe havens or numbers to call) while making sure to carry a judgement-free and caring demeanor.

A Paul Mitchell cosmetology school in McLean, Virginia. Photo by Brendan Smialowski/AFP/Getty Images.

The course also outlines what stylists shouldn't do — like follow-up with their client on the suspected abuse the next time they visit the salon or try to counsel clients on their specific situations.

"We are not psychologists. We're not the cops," Rowan says. "But the sensitivity training will give the cosmetologists the confidence to be able to say, 'There's information in the bathroom over there if you need a hand,' or, 'You really don't need to put up with that.'"

"It's very, very important," Rowan says of the new law. "And I don't think it should stop with cosmetologists."

Similarly to how many workers are educated on sexual harassment or how to handle instances of discrimination in the workplace, it wouldn't be such a bad idea for other positions requiring a state license to get domestic abuse training too, she notes.

While Rowan can't guarantee everyone in the cosmetology industry will be on board with the new law — some have argued, for example, that the law puts unnecessary pressure on stylists to be crime-stoppers — she has no reason to think it won't be widely accepted: "I have not talked to a salon owner who has thought it was a bad idea."

"This is going to be great for everyone," Rowan says. "We live in a violent city. But violence begins at home."

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Chicago's 'hero movers' are a reminder of how hard leaving abusive relationships can be.

When a three-man moving crew saw a woman frantically running out of a dental office in Chicago, they knew she was in trouble. And they knew they could help.

Josh Lara, Cody Grant, and Mike Zaininger were unloading a truck in Chicago's West Loop back in October when a woman ran up to them, asking to use their phone, telling them that someone was shooting.

That someone was the woman's abusive ex-boyfriend. He was carrying a gun, and he was looking for her. "She knew she was being looked for, the way she was hiding," Zaininger told DNA Info Chicago at the time. "It was just our instinct to try and protect and help her," Lara said.

The three movers acted quickly to hide the woman in their truck, likely saving her life. Her ex, unable to find her, fatally shot himself outside the dental office where she worked.

On Dec. 14, 2016, the three "hero movers" — as they've been called — were honored by their local city council.

Lara, Grant, and Zaininger being honored by their city council. Photo via 25th Ward.

An official city proclamation thanked the men for their "selfless display of bravery" and "remarkable display of courage and quick-thinking." The three heroes were surrounded by their loved ones and family, with Cody Grant's youngest son wearing a shirt reading "My Dad Is My Hero."

Escaping an abusive relationship is not usually as simple as running outside and asking for help.

Abusers purposely make their victims feel small and helpless to convince them the abuse is their own fault. They cut their victims off from support networks and often use financial control and manipulation and emotional abuse to ensure their victims stay quiet and have no means of escape.

A woman walks through the streets of Paris with fake blood for International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women. Photo by Thomas Samson/AFP/Getty Images.

"Women are 70 times more likely to be killed in the two weeks after leaving than at any other time during the relationship," reads the Domestic Violence Intervention Program website. The woman who the hero movers hid was lucky to find them — and even luckier that they acted quickly to help her and didn't stop to ask questions or turn the other way.

There are things you can do if you suspect that someone is being emotionally or physically abused or if someone comes to you asking for help.

A good first step is to familiarize yourself with the warning signs of abuse, which can help you identify an abusive relationship that might not seem like one at first.

If you want to help a friend or family member, you should also try to understand why that person might not want to leave the relationship or why they might not even think they're being abused. Shaming them for that or pressuring them to escape can actually be counterproductive. Instead, make yourself someone they can trust and talk to no matter what.

A photo exhibition of murdered women in Ankara, Turkey, as a protest against violence toward women. Photo by Adem Altan/AFP/Getty Images.

Because leaving abusive relationships puts women at such high risk of retaliation from their partners, it's important to develop a safety plan that also accounts for the safety of kids, pets, and family members.

We won't all find ourselves in situations where we can be like the hero movers, but stopping domestic violence is up to all of us.

The woman in Chicago was in direct and immediate danger. She was being hunted by an angry abuser who had a gun on him. But instances of domestic abuse won't always be that extreme. There isn't any one type of person who can find themselves stuck in an abusive relationship. It happens to women, it happens to men, and it happens in LGBTQ relationships as well.

If abuse is happening to someone you know, don't assume that someone else will step in, and don't assume that that person will eventually help themselves. You can, and should, be the person that speaks up in a productive way when you see it.

In Chicago, when the movers stepped in, they saved a woman's life. They also demonstrated the simple power of being there. They did the right thing, and it should inspire all of us to do the same whenever we can.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, call or visit the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, 800-799-7233

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Why it matters that Oregon's governor revealed she had experienced domestic violence.

When asked about her plans to seek pay equity for women and combat domestic violence against them, in a debate in Portland on Sept. 30, Oregon Governor Kate Brown defended her record, revealing a painful, personal detail in the process:

"I know what it feels like to be a victim of domestic violence," Brown said. "I know what it feels like to represent clients that can't get restraining orders on abusive partners. That's why I spent a number of years in the Oregon legislature strengthening Oregon's domestic violence and sexual assault laws, including increasing penalties for domestic violence when a child was present."

Governor Kate Brown holds a press conference after the shooting at Umpqua Community College in Roseburg, Oregon. Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images.

According to a KGW News, Portland, report, it was the first time the governor had publicly discussed her history of abuse at the hands of a former partner — which the governor's office clarified was not her current husband.

Brown's opponent, physician Bud Pierce, issued a baffling response during the debate, ignoring Brown's disclosure while claiming that educated, employed women don't have to worry about violence at the hands of a significant other.

"A woman that has great education and training and a great job is not susceptible to this kind of abuse by men, women or anyone. Powerful women have access to lawyers and courts and go at it," Pierce said.

Domestic violence, he argued, could only be reduced by improving economic conditions for poor women.

His answer drew a chorus of boos from the crowd and Brown, stunned and clearly emotional, reaffirmed her commitment to pay equity.

Pierce, to his credit, apologized after the debate.

"As a physician who began medical school almost 40 years ago, and has seen many patients including women of domestic violence, I know that any women, regardless of economic status, can be subject to domestic violence and sexual abuse," he wrote in a statement. "Sexual and physical abuse is morally wrong, is against the law, and must be opposed with all efforts."

There's no type of person who isn't vulnerable to domestic violence.

Partner and familial abuse is indifferent to color and class, and no one, rich, poor, white, black, Latino, Asian, Native American, female, or male, is immune. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, nearly 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men will experience some form of violent partner abuse in their lifetime. Poor women do face specific challenges — lack of paid sick days to seek treatment, spotty access to medical and child care, and limited funds to put distance between themselves and their abusers — but it's not just poor women who feel compelled to remain in an abusive relationship for economic reasons.

According to a 2013 Daily Beast report, domestic violence victims who are upper-middle-class or wealthy frequently face economic and legal abuse, as well as threats of financial ruin from their abusers, who frequently are similarly advantaged. Indeed, the list of rich and famous women who have reportedly been victimized — Nicole Brown Simpson, Rihanna, Whitney Houston, Madonna, Halle Berry — is long and continues to grow.

Singer Rihanna was assaulted by boyfriend Chris Brown in 2009. Photo by Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images.

Implying that being educated and having means is all it takes to "escape" an abusive relationship reinforces the notion that, for the women who cannot escape, continuing to subject themselves to abuse must be their fault. Meanwhile, countless anonymous women and men — poor, middle class, and wealthy — suffer in silence.

Solving this problem requires more than an either/or approach.

Improving economic conditions for poor women — and expanding access to shelters, counseling, and family services — is a necessary component. So too is acknowledging that domestic violence can happen to anyone, anywhere, anytime.

Helping victims overcome the notion that abuse "shouldn't, couldn't happen to me" empowers them to take most important step — seeking a way out.

Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images.

No single solution will end domestic violence permanently and for everyone. But by opening up about her past, Governor Brown took an early step, sending a critical message to victims from all walks of life — rich or poor, white or non-white, female or male:

You're not alone, and it's not your fault.

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