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domestic abuse

Family

Mom exposes common Boomer myth for why girls are bullied that needs to stop

“Be careful about what nonsense you're conditioning your children to accept.”

via Janko Ferlic/Unsplash

A young girl who has been bullied sitting beneath a tree.

A viral TikTok video reveals the vast differences in how 2 generations of women view young girls being bullied and it shows how far our culture has come in just a few decades. The video was created by Jackie, a certified spiritual life coach and a narcissistic abuse survivor.

It all started when a young boy at art camp bullied her 8-year-old daughter.

“She shared with me that there's been a boy at the camp that's been bullying her all week. So, she said today that he was painting and he had hand paint all over his hands. When the teacher asked him to go to the bathroom to wash his hands, he walked up to my daughter and rubbed his hands all over her hair. He then gave her the loser sign and stuck his tongue out at her,” Jackie shared.

The mom and daughter talked over the situation and everything seemed settled.

@jfabfindingauthenticity

Be careful about what nonsense youre conditining your children to accept #abuse #emtoionalabuse #parenting #bullying #generationaltrauma #socialconditioning #stop #patriarchy

Later that day, the daughter shared the incident with her grandmother. “So my mom says, ‘Do you know why he did that?’ And my daughter says, ‘Why?’ And my mom says with a big smile, ‘Because he likes you," her response set off alarm bells in Jackie’s mind.

“I immediately cut her off. I said, ‘No! We are not teaching my eight-year-old daughter that when a boy treats you like sh*t, it means that he likes you.’ She is not learning that garbage,” Jackie recalled.

The grandmother’s response to the bullying seemed to echo the values of a bygone era when women weren’t encouraged to stand up to abusive men.

Jackie then explained to her daughter why she was the victim of bullying.

“He feels unseen at home in some capacity, and he's internalized that. He doesn't like himself very much. So he needs to make other people feel bad about themselves so he feels better,” she continued. “This is the same reason why grown-ups are abusive. They don't like themselves, and they feel entitled to take it out on you. It's not because they like you. In fact, it has nothing to do with you,” she concluded.

bukkying, sad girl, boomersA young girl crying on the steps outside of school. via Zhivko Minkov/Unsplash

Ashley Patek, an occupational therapist and certified parenting coach, agrees with Jackie’s view, saying, “He just likes you,” sets a dangerous precedent.

“‘Maybe he just likes you’ are dangerous words that seem to condone bullying behavior under the guise of affection,” Patek writes in Generation Mindful. “But let’s be clear here: name-calling, unwanted attention and remarks, violence, harassment, and abuse are not acceptable. If anything it puts young children in a position to think that 1) it is okay to be treated that way or 2) that they deserve to be treated that way. Essentially, it programs them to accept abuse.”

Author and family life expert Lynne Griffin believes it’s important for young boys and girls to develop healthy friendships, which will greatly impact their adult lives. "Encouraging healthy boy/girl friendships is the best way you can teach your child about healthy adult relationships" — including friendships, romantic relationships, work relationships, and more,” she wrote in Psychology Today.

Jackie’s caption on the video was a wake-up call for parents to challenge old, dangerous parenting ideas that persist today. “Be careful about what nonsense you're conditioning your children to accept,” she wrote in the video's caption.

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After her angry dad paid child support with pennies, she donated it to domestic abuse victims

via HLN / Twitter

If there were a hall of fame for pettiness, a divorced father in Virginia would be a shoo-in for the lengths he went to give his ex-wife and children the final kiss-off. After his daughter, Avery Sanford, turned 18, the father pulled up in his truck with a trailer attached and dumped 80,000 pennies in front of her house.

The $800 was for his final child support payment.

Avery saw it all go down through the doorbell camera on her front door. "I just turned 18," Avery told WTVR. "When I was in the middle of class, my dad came by. He had rented a trailer."

"He pulled up in front of our house, like turned the trailer on so it dumped out all the pennies in the street in front of our house," she continued. "And my mom walked outside while it was happening. She didn't recognize them at first."

The mother called out to the man in the car, "What are you dumping on my lawn?" The man replied, "Your final child support payment!"

Avery's mother reported the incident to the Henrico County Police.

Mother, daughter donate thousands of dumped pennies to domestic abuse centerwww.youtube.com

First of all, as a parent, to put on such a disgusting display of pettiness in front of your children, is just plain awful. Second, there's no good reason for anyone to be upset about taking responsibility and financially supporting their child.

Avery hasn't spoken to her father in years and after his most recent antics, it seems like keeping a distance is a good idea.

"It is really hurtful and damaging to your kids when you do things like that. And it doesn't matter how old your kids. It doesn't matter if they're a young child or an adult," Avery said. "The actions of your parents will always have some effect on you."

To take the embarrassing situation and turn it into a positive, Avery and her mother have decided to donate all of the money to Safe Harbor, a domestic abuse shelter. Safe Harbor is a nonprofit organization that provides shelter, supportive services, and advocacy to survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault.

"It's not just her that he'd be trying to embarrass. It's also me, it's also my sister. And it's upsetting that he doesn't really consider that before he did this," Avery said. "Turning around and donating that money to moms and children in need like I feel like, that just really turns the situation into a positive one. You can learn a lesson from it."

A reporter reached out to Avery's father and he seems to be feeling somewhat contrite about his behavior. He said he let 18 years of frustration get the best of him and that he didn't want to "put a further wedge between him and his daughter."

As for Avery, she has a bright future ahead of her. The high school senior is looking forward to attending Virginia Tech in the fall.

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Lawmakers spotted a secret weapon in the fight against domestic abuse: hairstylists.

Joan Each Rowan has no idea how many people her salons have helped throughout the years.

The evidence, however, quietly speaks for itself.

You can see it in the disappearing "how to get help" brochures off the counter. You'll spot it on tab flyers that hang on a wall or bulletin board — the ones where you tear off a strip with a number to call.

"Those need to be replaced — and often," says Rowan, who owns the two Everything's Relative salons on Chicago's south side.

Photo via Everything's Relative Salon, used with permission.

For the past 20 years, Rowan has been pushing for her salon to be a place where people get help with more than just their hair. With assistance from advocates committed to ending domestic violence, she's been teaching her stylists what to do (and what not to do) if they suspect or know a client is being abused at home.She also places resources, like the brochures, in discreet areas of her businesses, such as the bathroom, for clients to take with them if they need help.

Now, the stylists at Everything's Relative Salons have become unlikely warriors in the fight against domestic abuse. Soon, every other stylist in Illinois will be too.

Illinois just became the first state to require that all licensed beauty professionals take an hour-long course on how to spot domestic abuse.

Starting on Jan. 1, 2017, new cosmetologists will have to take the course in order to obtain their license, as the Chicago Tribune reported. The training will also be folded into continuing education requirements stylists must complete every two years to renew their credentials.

Although Rowan wasn't the first or only salon professional to implement her own training without a law telling her to do so, Everything's Relative has been at the forefront of the issue for decades, having realized the important connection between the seriousness of domestic abuse and the simplicity of getting a haircut.

We at Everything's Relative would like to wish you and your family a Happy Holiday 🎁❄🎄☃🎅🏼🎁

Posted by Everything's Relative Oak Lawn on Saturday, December 24, 2016

Domestic abuse is an issue that no doubt affects many clients who walk through the doors at Everything's Relative — about 1 in 3 women and 1 in 7 men in the U.S. experience violence at the hands of a partner at some point in their lifetime, according to nonprofit Chicago Says No More. 

The thinking behind the new law — which was brought before legislators by Chicago Says No More — is both obvious and clever.

"[Clients] tell you a lot," says Rowan, who's worked in the industry for 42 years. "People talk to their hairdressers."

When clients talk, proponents of the law say, it only makes sense that cosmetologists should be prepared to listen and respond accordingly, if a red flag should arise.

The law — an amendment to the Barber, Cosmetology, Esthetics, Hair Braiding, and Nail Technology Act of 1985 — wasput in motion by Illinois Rep. Fran Hurley and State Senator Bill Cunningham, who said his wife's experience as a stylist years ago inspired him to act.

“She told me stories about her clients providing details about terrible incidents,” he explained to the New York Times. “She offered a sympathetic ear. She was young at the time and did not know how to get them help.”

The law aims to leave no stylist feeling like Cunningham's wife had — helpless and with few resources to provide a client in need.

The training will help stylists feel empowered about speaking up — without crossing a line, according to Rowan.

First and foremost, stylists are not required to report incidents of violence and won't be held liable in any case involving a client — an important aspect of the law meant to protect beauty professionals.

The training will, however, teach them how to spot signs of abuse and suggest resources clients can access (such as nearby safe havens or numbers to call) while making sure to carry a judgement-free and caring demeanor.

A Paul Mitchell cosmetology school in McLean, Virginia. Photo by Brendan Smialowski/AFP/Getty Images.

The course also outlines what stylists shouldn't do — like follow-up with their client on the suspected abuse the next time they visit the salon or try to counsel clients on their specific situations.

"We are not psychologists. We're not the cops," Rowan says. "But the sensitivity training will give the cosmetologists the confidence to be able to say, 'There's information in the bathroom over there if you need a hand,' or, 'You really don't need to put up with that.'"

"It's very, very important," Rowan says of the new law. "And I don't think it should stop with cosmetologists."

Similarly to how many workers are educated on sexual harassment or how to handle instances of discrimination in the workplace, it wouldn't be such a bad idea for other positions requiring a state license to get domestic abuse training too, she notes.

While Rowan can't guarantee everyone in the cosmetology industry will be on board with the new law — some have argued, for example, that the law puts unnecessary pressure on stylists to be crime-stoppers — she has no reason to think it won't be widely accepted: "I have not talked to a salon owner who has thought it was a bad idea."

"This is going to be great for everyone," Rowan says. "We live in a violent city. But violence begins at home."

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Chicago's 'hero movers' are a reminder of how hard leaving abusive relationships can be.

When a three-man moving crew saw a woman frantically running out of a dental office in Chicago, they knew she was in trouble. And they knew they could help.

Josh Lara, Cody Grant, and Mike Zaininger were unloading a truck in Chicago's West Loop back in October when a woman ran up to them, asking to use their phone, telling them that someone was shooting.

That someone was the woman's abusive ex-boyfriend. He was carrying a gun, and he was looking for her. "She knew she was being looked for, the way she was hiding," Zaininger told DNA Info Chicago at the time. "It was just our instinct to try and protect and help her," Lara said.

The three movers acted quickly to hide the woman in their truck, likely saving her life. Her ex, unable to find her, fatally shot himself outside the dental office where she worked.

On Dec. 14, 2016, the three "hero movers" — as they've been called — were honored by their local city council.

Lara, Grant, and Zaininger being honored by their city council. Photo via 25th Ward.

An official city proclamation thanked the men for their "selfless display of bravery" and "remarkable display of courage and quick-thinking." The three heroes were surrounded by their loved ones and family, with Cody Grant's youngest son wearing a shirt reading "My Dad Is My Hero."

Escaping an abusive relationship is not usually as simple as running outside and asking for help.

Abusers purposely make their victims feel small and helpless to convince them the abuse is their own fault. They cut their victims off from support networks and often use financial control and manipulation and emotional abuse to ensure their victims stay quiet and have no means of escape.

A woman walks through the streets of Paris with fake blood for International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women. Photo by Thomas Samson/AFP/Getty Images.

"Women are 70 times more likely to be killed in the two weeks after leaving than at any other time during the relationship," reads the Domestic Violence Intervention Program website. The woman who the hero movers hid was lucky to find them — and even luckier that they acted quickly to help her and didn't stop to ask questions or turn the other way.

There are things you can do if you suspect that someone is being emotionally or physically abused or if someone comes to you asking for help.

A good first step is to familiarize yourself with the warning signs of abuse, which can help you identify an abusive relationship that might not seem like one at first.

If you want to help a friend or family member, you should also try to understand why that person might not want to leave the relationship or why they might not even think they're being abused. Shaming them for that or pressuring them to escape can actually be counterproductive. Instead, make yourself someone they can trust and talk to no matter what.

A photo exhibition of murdered women in Ankara, Turkey, as a protest against violence toward women. Photo by Adem Altan/AFP/Getty Images.

Because leaving abusive relationships puts women at such high risk of retaliation from their partners, it's important to develop a safety plan that also accounts for the safety of kids, pets, and family members.

We won't all find ourselves in situations where we can be like the hero movers, but stopping domestic violence is up to all of us.

The woman in Chicago was in direct and immediate danger. She was being hunted by an angry abuser who had a gun on him. But instances of domestic abuse won't always be that extreme. There isn't any one type of person who can find themselves stuck in an abusive relationship. It happens to women, it happens to men, and it happens in LGBTQ relationships as well.

If abuse is happening to someone you know, don't assume that someone else will step in, and don't assume that that person will eventually help themselves. You can, and should, be the person that speaks up in a productive way when you see it.

In Chicago, when the movers stepped in, they saved a woman's life. They also demonstrated the simple power of being there. They did the right thing, and it should inspire all of us to do the same whenever we can.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, call or visit the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, 800-799-7233

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