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Child psychologist reveals the 6 'magic phrases' that make kids listen to their parents

"When a child feels safe, they can actually hear you."

Photo Credit: Canva

Moms share joyful moments with their kids.

Sometimes it's generational, and sometimes it's just a bit of good old-fashioned authority rebellion, but getting kids to really "listen" to their parents in a way that creates a positive long-term effect can be tricky.

That's where child psychologist Reem Raouda’s hours of research come in handy. In an article for CNBC's Make It, Raouda, also a mother and therapist, reveals that after studying "over 200 parent-child relationships," a common theme for a good outcome is for the child to feel connected and safe.

Raouda reveals six phrases she has personally seen make all the difference.

"I believe you."

Validation is a huge factor in parental relationships. She writes, "Belief defuses shame and creates safety. When a child feels safe, they can actually hear you."

She gives the example of spilling juice. If a child spills something, it's immediately reassuring for them to know their parent doesn't blame or shame them. And if the child says they didn't do it on purpose, saying "I believe you" helps establish respect.

Another example could be, "I just forgot to do my homework." A potential answer? "I believe you! We all forget sometimes. Better late than never."

"Let's figure this out together."

When a child is merely following orders from a parent, they don't often feel a teamwork bond. Raouda refers to it as a "standoff" when a chore is barked at a child, rather than presenting it as a task for the greater good.

If, for example, a kid is being asked to clean their room and seems oppositional to the idea, rather than punishing—come up with a fun plan to clean together.

"You can feel this. I'm right here."

The idea here is to make sure the child knows their emotions are completely valid. If they have a reaction to something that upsets them, don't merely tell them to toughen up. Instead, let them know it's safe to feel it and that their parent will stay right by their side.

Kristen Weir writes for the American Psychological Association that acknowledging feelings with your child early on can yield healthy benefits. "Caregivers can start talking about feelings when their children are still babies. Point out when book or movie characters feel sad, happy, angry, or worried."

"I'm listening. What's going on?"

For a kid to hear you, they need to feel heard. Raouda notes, "This simple shift of giving attention before demanding it dissolves resistance. When kids feel understood, they stop trying to push back."

She adds that trying to get to the root of their emotion or action is key. "Now you're uncovering the deeper hurt behind the anger, and that's the part you can address to help repair both the relationship and the behavior."

"I hear you. I'm on your side."

These words build a bond, which ultimately (hopefully) connects a parent to their child. Knowing they can begin from a place where they're not alone is a great start to a healthy relationship.

She gives the example of a child hating their homework. If the parent comes at this from a place of understanding and an "I've been there" tone, it really helps the child feel supported and understood.

"I've got you, no matter what."

Again, this phrase builds teamwork. Raouda writes, "Mistakes can trigger shame. But when kids hear this phrase, they learn that love isn't conditional on performance or perfection."

Weir also touched on the importance of connection, saying, "Studies show that children who have a secure, trusting relationship with their parents or caregivers have better emotion regulation as toddlers than those whose needs aren’t met by their caregivers. Being consistent and comforting will help you develop a secure attachment with your child."

Jaime Amor gives tips on getting kids to pay attnention. www.youtube.com, CosmicKidsYoga

There are other child experts with approaches to getting children to listen. On the Cosmic Kids Yoga YouTube page, children's yoga instructor and host Jaime Amor gives her own ideas, including some physical instructions.

"Get on eye level," she suggests when possible. She also stressed the importance of "active listening," in that you're giving them your whole attention. Not only does this help put them at ease, it demonstrates "what active listening looks like."

Additionally, Amor recommends asking "how" and "what" questions rather than "why?" While "why" can sound accusatory, "how" and "what" help them tell their story. She astutely notes that when conversing with kids, "Speak in shorter sentences and use language they understand."

Lastly, she notes to give the child choices. "Kids tend to listen and cooperate when they get a choice. It gives them a sense of control and autonomy so they feel respect. When kids feel respect, they'll work hard to reciprocate."

parenting, kids, listening, respect, teamwork Father and son sit on a the dock. Photo by Kelli McClintock on Unsplash

On Reddit, an OP asks "How to effectively make my child listen to me." (For context, they share they have children who are two and seven.) One commenter writes, "I've found with my 5-year-old, if I do the activity with him that helps. If it's folding clothes, I fold mine, and he folds his. When it comes to him doing things on his own, I define success and help him visualize it. 'I need your help. Can you please help me by putting the dishes away?'"

Another gives this practical advice: " From an early age when they start to be able to understand words, state the reason why you need them to do something. For example, don't just tell them to tidy up the Legos, tell them to tidy up so their blocks don't get vacuumed. 'You wouldn't want your Legos to go missing, would you?'"

And this commenter echoes what Raouda said in her piece: "Try giving them options instead of demands. 'Would you rather do this now or in 5 minutes. Would you rather put your pants on first or your shirt on first.' Kids are more likely to be cooperative if they feel like they have some control. Try phrasing things differently. Turn demands into questions like "can/will you do this please?" instead of just "do this.""

grumpy child, parenting, teamwork, listening, tears A child feels sad. commons.wikimedia.org

The thread weaving through all these suggestions is making sure the child feels heard, safe, respected, and supported. It's not you against them; you're a team and in you're in it together.

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Never know how to answer the 'What do you do' question? This simple formula can help.

How many times have you been asked, "What do you do?" and not known what to say?

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Let's face it, our answers to this question are usually a bit blasé.

We’ve all been there. The moment we’re face to face with a stranger and the ice breakers begin rolling in. During this little tête-à-tête, one question is sure to be as inevitable as Thanos himself: “What do you do?”

Even for the most skilled small talkers among us, this is not always a particularly easy question to answer. Not without sounding overly vague, sterile, or, yes, even dull. But as CNBC contributor and author Jessica Chen will tell you, there is a tried-and-true method that not only provides an answer for the “What do you do?” question but inspires authentic connection with others.

Her formula, which is included in her book Smart, Not Loud: How to Get Noticed at Work for All the Right Reasons, is pretty simple and definitely gives you more to work with than just saying your job title, which, barring any astronauts or Grammy award winners reading this, can sound pretty bland for most of us.


Hex Astronaut GIFfrom Hex GIFs

Without further ado, here are the 3 points to hit in your answer, according to Chen.

1. Talk about the issues you solve

This can help paint the picture that anyone can relate to, even if they have zero familiarity with your industry. Chen advises putting this in the form of a rhetorical question.

Examples:

  • “You know how cyberattacks are getting more frequent and sophisticated?”
  • “You know how you see ads when you scroll through a news story?”

2. Share the solutions you offer

Now’s your chance to clearly explain how your work addresses the issue you set up in step one. Chen notes that it’s important to think about “real-life implications" of what you do every day:

Examples:

  • “What I do is create software systems that alert companies when a suspicious user tries to access their platform.”
  • “What I do is research the best places to put ads so that they have maximum visibility.”

3. Drop some proof

This is where you tie it all together, using a story or other pertinent company details, in order to solidify your credibility.

  • “In fact, our organization is one of the largest cybersecurity companies in the world with clients like [well-known company].”
  • “In fact, the click-through rate of our ads is around 3%, which is much higher than the industry average.”

Put all those together and you’ve got: “You know how [talk about issues you solve]? So what I do is [share the solutions you offer]. In fact, [drop some proof].” Badda bing, badda boom, a concise, yet well-thought out and impactful answer that actually provides a snapshot of what you do for a living. Side effects might include nods of interest and response in the form of, “Wow, cool!”


Oh Wow You Dont Say GIFfrom Oh Wow GIFs

If you’re struggling with all things small talk, having a go-to approach, much like this one, isn’t a bad idea. Having things like the FORD method, which is essentially a list of ice breaker questions that will get virtually anyone talking, in the back pocket can really help offset any social jitters that get in the way in the heat of the moment.

Basically, it’s totally okay if you don’t naturally have the gift of gab. But since you will likely have to engage in conversations throughout a good chunk of your life, it might behoove you to find ways to make it less stressful. And even for those of us who are extroverted and can chat with anyone, there are ways in which we can make our communication more impactful.

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Funeral director shares the morbid but life-affirming way to find true meaning in life

Life can be more meaningful when lived in reverse.

via Canva/Photos

Pallbearers holding a coffin.

In the 2020 series finale of the philosophical sitcom “The Good Place,” Kristen Bell’s Eleanor character poignantly reflects on what it means to be human. “Every human is a little bit sad all the time because you know you're going to die. But that knowledge is what gives life meaning,” she says. And it’s true: The fact that our lives will end makes the time we spend on this planet much more meaningful.

You only have so much time on this planet; how will you choose to spend it? What goals will you pursue? Who will you help? What will you contribute? What will your job be? Who will you spend your time with?

One way to figure out the answers to these big questions is to put it all on paper. Victor Sweeney, 33, a funeral director in Warren, Minnesota, chooses to do so by rewriting his obituary once a year to help him focus on the things that really matter in life. Working in the death business must give one a unique perspective on these matters of life and death.

Even though Sweeny has lived another year, he makes more edits to his obituary than additions. “Each year, my obituary gets shorter and shorter,” he told CNBC’s Make It. “It’s not that I’m doing less, but that there are fewer and fewer things that really, truly matter.”

Sweeney tells CNBC that every time he rewrites his obituary, he realizes that what truly matters to him are his family and service to others. Since 2015, Sweeney has slowly removed references to his accomplishments or career. “Now it’s like, ‘He lived, he loved, he had some kids.’ That’s about it,” he says.

The significant benefit of writing your own obituary is that you can reverse engineer your own life. You can list everything you set out to do and make your true purpose concrete. As you grow, you can make additions and subtractions as your purpose evolves.

Then, you can follow the path laid out in your obituary, which becomes a roadmap for life. “Writing your own obituary helps you uncover your life purpose. This exercise will help you find meaning and focus—live your life the way you want to be remembered,” Gustavo Razzetti writes in Fearless Culture.

obituary, meaning in life, writingA woman writing her obituary. via Canva/Photos

Wring your own obituary is also a way to “Blue Sky” the way you think about your life. “Blue Sky” speculation is a technique the Imagineers use to design attractions at Disney Parks and generate ideas without limitations. As the engineers say, “If it can be dreamt, it can be built.” What would be your “Blue Sky” dreams for your life? Where do you want to live? What do you want to do for work? What organizations would you like to start or be part of? How many kids would you like to have? Who is your perfect partner? What do you want your impact on the world to be?

Some may think that writing an obituary, especially early in life, is a morbid practice that makes them uncomfortable. However, with our limited time on Earth, realizing your own mortality too late in life, could mean the difference between following your dreams and staying in bed. Because when we live without considering our deaths, we are not truly thinking about life itself. That discomfort is a small price to pay for waking up one day and realizing that your time is limited, but you came to that truth too late to do anything about it.

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73-year-old pays just $370 a month to live on a jetliner in the Oregon woods

Great for the pocketbook. Great for the environment.

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A jetliner that landed in the woods.

Over the past few years, the rising costs of homes and rent in the U.S. has pushed many to seek alternatives to traditional housing. People have been moving into tiny houses, sharing spaces with “platonic life partners” and living the nomad dream in motorhomes.

Some have even opted to take up permanent residence aboard cruise ships because it can be cheaper than paying rent or a mortgage.

One of the most unique, alternative homes in the US is Bruce Campbell’s in Hillsboro, a suburb of Portland, Oregon. According to CNBC, for over 20 years, the retired engineer has called a Boeing 727 200-passenger jetliner home. It’s a little smaller than the average house at 1,066 square feet, but it’s an open-concept lovers’ fantasy.

The plane has a unique history. It was once owned by Greek-Argentinian shipping magnate Aristotle Onassis and was used to transport his remains after his death in 1975. Onassis was married to former First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis.

The plane has everything Campbell needs to live comfortably. The original sink and bathroom are in perfect working order. He added a makeshift shower, refrigerator and portable washing machine to take care of all his needs.

“It’s a great toy. Trick doors, trick floors. Hatches here, latches there. Cool interior lights. Awesome exterior lights, sleek gleaming appearance, titanium ducts," he said according to Awesome Inventions.

His jetliner home also has retractable stairs so he can climb in and out of his place. Campbell lives in the plane six months a year and spends the rest of his time in Japan.

"I can appreciate that some folks might feel isolated or that it might strike them as an unusual living environment. But for me, it has always felt completely natural,” Campbell told Great Big Story.

Some may find Campbell's living arrangement strange but they can't argue with its affordability. He told CNBC that his monthly expenses are around $370, which includes $220 a month in property taxes and $100 to $250 a month in electricity. Campbell paid $100,000 for the plane initially and it cost $120,000 to make it habitable.

The engines have been removed so the plane will never fly again.

The plane is an affordable place to live and it’s also great for the environment. “Jetliners can, and should, be transformed into wonderful homes—retirement into an aerospace-class castle should be every jetliner's constructive fate. They should never be mindlessly scrapped. Shredding a beautiful and scintillating jetliner is a tragedy, a waste, and a profound failure of human imagination. The time for humanity to recognize this is long, long overdue,” he said according to the CBC.

Campbell has found an innovative and creative way to live well while finding a way to upcycle 70,000 pounds of materials that would have wound up in a landfill. But he’s not done yet. He hopes to start on a second airplane home in Japan which he describes as “a land I love and with people I love. If I can simply regain my youth, everything will be fine.”

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