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A growing number of married Americans are together but live in separate homes. Here's why.

Nearly four million Americans don't live with their spouses.

living apart together, lat couples, nontraditional relationships
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A couple celebrates while packing their home.

One of the topics that we like to highlight on Upworthy is people who are redefining what it means to be in a relationship. Recently, we’ve shared the stories of platonic life partners, moms who work together as part of a “mommune” and a polyamorous family with four equally-committed parents.

A growing number of people are reevaluating traditional relationships and entering lifestyles that work for them instead of trying to fit into preexisting roles. It makes sense because the more lifestyle options that are available, the greater chance we have to be happy.

A recent trend in unconventional relationships is married couples "living apart together," or LATs as they are known among mental health professionals.

Actress Helena Bonham Carter and director Tim Burton, actress Gwyneth Paltrow and producer Brad Falchuk, and photographer Annie Leibovitz and activist Susan Sontag are all high-profile couples who’ve embraced the LAT lifestyle.

“I think it certainly helps with preserving mystery and also preserving the idea that this person has their own life,” Paltrow said, according to the New York Post.

The lifestyle appears to have become more mainstream in America as the number of couples living apart rose by more than 25% between 2000 and 2019.

living apart together, lat couples, nontraditional relationships

A couple wrapping their furniture in bubble wrap.

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According to The New York Times, there were 3.89 million Americans who live apart from their spouses in 2022, just under 3% of all married couples. The statistics do not include couples intending to divorce but do include those who are forced to live separately due to military duties.

Couples Therapy, Inc. says that LAT couples enjoy the lifestyle because it allows for “independence without sacrificing emotional support,” more time for hobbies and interests, fewer conflicts, and prevents “exploitation along gender roles.”

The disadvantages that LAT couples experience include maintaining emotional connection, occasional loneliness and dealing with the expectations of adult and minor children.

Although there isn’t a wealth of research on LATs, Bella DePaulo Ph.D. writes in Psychology Today that people who prefer to live apart from their spouse are looking for “independence and privacy.” They also tend to be in their 40s and older and are less likely to need a live-in spouse to help with child-rearing duties.

Sharon Hyman told Today that living apart from her husband, David, puts their relationship in the proper context.

“Living separately allows me to have my needs met by others in addition to David, including friends and family. I feel that expecting one person to be your everything is setting yourself up for disappointment,” Hyman wrote. “It’s also unrealistic and puts tremendous pressure on a relationship. There are so many other people who enrich our lives. I’m a big believer in community. People in the past lived in villages or extended family groups, and I feel that a primary relationship should ideally exist within that framework.”

Sana Akhand, 33, told The New York Times that living apart from her husband helped relieve her from the burdens of being a woman in a traditional marriage. “Being a wife is subconsciously really draining, because you’re just thinking about this other person, their well-being,” Akhand said.

Married couples who live apart from one another all appear to have taken the time to consciously consider their relationships and position them based on their needs, instead of the demands of the culture at large. It makes a lot of sense. Just because a lifestyle works for someone else doesn’t mean it’s going to work for you or your partner.

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Woman gives stray cat the most Gen X name ever, and her friend can't stand it

As if?

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A woman making a "loser" sign and a shocked cat.

There are no hard-set rules for naming a cat, but if you want to follow the current trends, give them a cute-sounding human name. Over the past two years, the top five most popular cat names have been Luna, followed by Charlie, Lucy, Bella, and Leo.

No matter what type of name it is, it can also be hard to settle on one for a new cat because it’s what you’ll be calling out for the next 12-plus years. What if you name the cat Jerry, but it acts like a Sebastian or a Michael? Then what will you do? Two friends got into a spat over naming a cat, with the new owner rejecting their friend’s suggestions in favor of a term popular among Gen Xers in the ‘80s and ‘90s.


“I found a little stray cat in front of the grocery store. Super friendly but skinny and obviously abandoned,” A Redditor with the username SpecialEggSalad wrote. “My friend was with me and kept throwing out names. I didn’t like any of them. It was Ross, Beck, Tucker, Zorro… I asked her to just chill. She was getting worked up and kept asking if she could have the kitten. [It’s] My kitty. Anyway, after 20 minutes of her, just suggesting endless amounts of names…She got mad and said, ‘Fine, call him whatever you want.’ So now the cat's name is WHATEVER.”


When SpecialEggSlad announced the cat’s name, her friend “turned red in the face and she was about to cry.” It could be that the friend hated the feeling of rejection, but if she grew up in the ‘80s or ‘90s, she’d understand that being on the receiving end of a “whatever” was quite the insult.

What did 'whatever' mean to Gen X?

You see, Gen Xers were known for having an aloof attitude because, in those days, caring too much about anything was totally uncool. So whatever was more than a catchphrase was a way of life. The term became popular in the early ‘80s when Valley Girl speak expanded from Los Angeles to the world. But what began as innocuous slang evolved into something more nihilistic. In Nirvana’s breakout 1991 anthem, Smells Like Teen Spirit, where Kurt Cobain ditches any attempt at making a point in the song by singing, “Oh well, whatever, never mind.” Whatever was a way of distancing yourself from the powers-that-be, whether it was political, religious, corporate, or the media.


The term was also part of ‘90s hand-gesture culture, where people would call someone a loser by making an L with their index and middle fingers and placing it on their forehead. In Clueless, the affluent teens used two hands to merge the double Ls into a W, to signal “whatever,” with a double loser casher. Business Insider’s Emily Stewart notes that Gen X’s attitude comes from being raised as the least parented generation in recent memory. “Gen X's ‘whatever’ attitude has translated to a society that's perpetually a little ‘whatever’ about them,” she wrote.


It may be a knock on Gen Xers that they were once so nihilistic that they rallied around the term whatever, but it’s also a sign of knowing what’s important. A lot is going on in the world, and we only have so many Fs to give; it’s best to hand them out to the people who deserve them. Because when you care about everything, it’s hard to truly care about anything.

In the Reddit post, SpecialEggSlad faced criticism from commenters for naming her cat Whatever, which made it look like she didn’t care about the animal. Realizing this, she changed the cat’s name to Peekaboo. Let’s just hope the kitty grows into its name and isn’t a cat that refuses to hide, even if given an incredibly cozy cardboard box.

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A Palestinian and a Jewish stranger are showing people what a civilized conversation looks like

"I believe and I hope."

Photo by Farrinni on Unsplash

Two hands reach toward one another.

We live in challenging times, made even more divisive by social media rage. This is not to say that the rage is always uncalled for or unneeded, as there are many moments in history where even anger is righteous. But far more powerful in these times are the surprising moments of real connection, communication and understanding, like a recent exchange between a Palestinian and a Jewish stranger that shattered negative stereotypes and expectations.

I, like many, have become addicted to the algorithm, often fueled by propaganda, false narratives, and plain myopic anger. We are all, by nature, tribal ,and so many of our hearts have swelled with fear, sorrow, and an existential angst around the idea that humans simply might not be fixable.

earth, space, humans, water, peace A photo of Earth from space. Photo by NASA on Unsplash

But I've noticed lately that I'm getting a stronger dopamine rush from reading supportive and kind comments as opposed to the hate-fueled ones. I stumbled upon a post on Threads from last year just before the Jewish New Year, (Rosh Hashana) which really struck me. A man wrote:

"As a Palestinian, like many of my Jewish and Arab friends, this year has been a heavy one. Nonetheless, I believe and I hope."

"A Jewish friend once shared a verse (from the Pirkei Avot) with me that I've saved and held on to: 'The world is sustained by three things: by truth, by justice, and by peace.'"

"It has been especially poignant as a mantra all year."

"To my Jewish friends, L'Shanah Tovah. May a new year bring love, light, healing, and a sense of peace grounded in truth and justice for all."

Threads, Jewish, Palestinian, Israeli, peace A person on Threads shares a sentiment. Threads, Mohu

Having read this, I find myself constantly searching for like-minded people of all races, religions, and political affiliations who would also like to find a soft space nestled in this chaos. I scour social media sites and have found that often when you search, you find. It doesn't mean that there aren't literal and metaphorical fires burning all around us. It doesn't mean that we shouldn't stay informed and stand up for what we believe.

But, if just for a day, we could focus on these tiny victories, perhaps it's the smallest step to regaining our humanity. I happened upon a conversation last week (also on Threads) wherein a Palestinian woman made a comment about having pride in her heritage. Many nasty Islamophobic and anti-Semitic bots and trolls came out of the woodwork, but one comment stood out.

The OP wrote:

"All I said in my last post is 'I love being Palestinian' and the comments speak for themselves. We can’t love our heritage? Our culture? That’s too much for you (clown emoji)."

In response, someone wrote back:

"I’m Jewish. We probably disagree on lots, but to hell with those comments. You’re a human being deserving of respect, and to be proud of your culture and heritage."

The OP answered:

"Thank you for being rational. May we find a common middle ground one day."

This is met with:

"Hopefully in our lifetime! Don’t let the uneducated people bring you down."

flower, peace, nature, kindness, earth A purple flower surrounded by green leaves. Photo by Konrad Koller on Unsplash

A Threader pointed out, "This is one of the more mature comments I’ve seen. So much hate on these threads. Thank you for being a human being." The kindness began to multiply, with another person sharing, "That’s so true. I started a dialogue with a Jewish man and I would like to think we both learned a lot. You can’t understand how other people think and behave without respectful debates."

There are many more threads like this out there between people from every side of the proverbial chasm. They don't take away the pain and fear, but they could serve as a step in the right direction.


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Woman with unfortunate initials warns parents to think things through before naming their kids

"When you’re deciding what to name your kids, look at what their initials are going to be."

via Canva/Photos

Woman holding her nose looking in the refrigerator.

A lot of thought goes into choosing a baby’s name. Will other kids have the same name when they start kindergarten? Is the name too dull? Is the name too original? Will the name lead to bullying? Will the name look good on a job application? Could you run for president with this name?

Popular TikToker Emily Windham, 23, from Birmingham, Alabama, is adding another question that parents should ask themselves: What will their initials be? Windham has gone viral for her video in which she reveals how disheartening it is when she has to write her initials, especially when they appear multiple times on a document. To put it simply, they are pretty yucky.

“When you’re deciding what to name your kids, look at what their initials are going to be,” she says at the beginning of her video. “Every time I have to initial a document, I have to write 'EW.' All these little initial lines just say EW EW EW EW.” The situation is frustrating for Emily because her parents considered naming her Alexia, which would have been AW, which is sweet. “That’s so cute,” she said.


@emwindham

Easy em in tha house 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

The post inspired other people with unfortunate initials to comment; some of them are much harder to live with than EW.

“Yea… mine is XL,” Xitlali wrote.

“Mine is ‘BLT’ because it was my dad’s favorite sandwich. Mom didn’t notice until it was too late I don’t even like blts,” Bryony Tally Art wrote.

“Mine is ‘PP’ elementary and middle school was a blast,” Pais wrote.

“I knew a girl in school whose name was Amy, and her initials were also AMY, and I’ll never forget because that’s so baller,” Charlie wrote.

“My son's initials are BRB,” Ashleigh wrote.

“My initials are EGG,” El-Glory wrote.

“My initials spell EMO and I think that's awesome,” Elle wrote.

“Mine is OG… now I’m getting married and it’ll be OJ. Can’t decide if I like an original gangster or Orange Juice more,” Olivia wrote.

“Mine is ME, and when I sign out on duties at work, someone goes, ‘Can someone please stop signing ME and sign your initials?’ I’m like, those are my initials,” a TokToker named Madison wrote.


@thesam_show

sorry if i talk about this problem too much but it is HAPPENING AGAIN!!

Emily’s story is similar to that of Samanta Hart, a woman who went viral on TikTok in 2023 because her name doesn’t exactly work well with modern email conventions. Clearly, her parents hadn't thought that her name would cause any trouble in the late '90s when email was a new thing. So, she made a video warning parents to think of their children’s future email addresses before selecting a name.

“My name is Samantha Hart,” the 27-year-old said. “Most companies use the email designation of first initial, last name, meaning my email would be shart.” A shart is an accidental release when one assumes they only have gas, which is not exactly how one wants to be known in professional circles. Imagine sending an email to someone at another company and their name comes up as SHart. YOu might even think that someone is pranking you.

“At every single workplace, I have received an email from HR the week before I start letting me know that my name does not exactly fit the company email structure as they would intend and [asked] would I mind if they gave me a different structure for my email,” Hart said. That's kind of the HR people to help Samantha save a bit of face when starting a new job, so the thing she's most known for, before meeting anyone, is her questionable email address.

Sadly, Hart will probably have to deal with this whenever she gets a new job. Hopefully, she enjoys doing long stretches with her employers.

This article originally appeared last year.

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The foolproof way to get people to open up without asking them any questions

Strangers may not be open to questions, but you can still get them talking.

via Canva/Photos

A woman talking with a man at a wedding.

There are times when it may be inappropriate to ask someone a question. In specific social interactions, questions may be welcome, but specific topics may be off-limits. That’s when a communications tool called "elicitation" can become your best friend. It’s a way to make statements that encourage people to discuss sensitive topics or delve deeper into a subject without making them feel like they’re being grilled.

Although you probably won’t be using this tool to interrogate criminals or get secrets out of a CEO or politician, behavior expert Chase Hughes shared how to use the technique in everyday situations. He gives the example of wanting to know how much a woman working at a Whole Foods supermarket makes, without asking her the intrusive question. You start by making a false statement, and then the other person will correct you.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

False statement elicitation

You: Excuse me, can you show me where the baby carrots are?

Employee: Sure, follow me.

You: So, I was reading an article that said Whole Foods employees got a raise to $26 an hour.

Employee: Are you kidding? I only make $18 an hour.

“So now she doesn't feel like she's been pressed or questioned about how much she makes. She's correcting you. So, triggering a need to correct the record is one of the easiest ways to use elicitation, but it's only one,” Hughes notes.


“I’ll bet you think” elicitation

Let’s say you are working in appliance sales and have been trying to sell a man a refrigerator. You’ve been working with him for 30 minutes and want to know if he’s going to buy or not. By using an “I’ll bet” statement, you can get him to admit if he’s interested or not without being pushy. The goal is to voice what they’re thinking, but you don’t need to be correct. The person will either confirm your assumption about their thoughts, add to it, or deny it.

You: I’ll bet you think this Whirlpool refrigerator is a little expensive at $1200?

Them: I’ll say it’s a little pricey, but it’s exactly what we were looking for.

Elicitation works because it bypasses the part of the human psyche that tells them to put up their guard. People also have an incredible need to feel superior and to be correct. So, they will fall over themselves to correct a false statement, as in the Whole Foods example. They will also jump at the chance to tell you whether you’ve successfully gauged their thoughts with the “I’ll bet” technique.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

“I think the number one technique is the human predisposition to correct other people. Because we as humans want to be right, and when we correct other people, that elevates us above the person we're correcting,” Jack Schafer, Ph.D., a psychologist and former FBI special agent, told Robin Dreeke. “So that makes us feel good because we know more than the other person that we're talking to, so that kind of elevates us, and in order to kind of prove that we're more superior, we often give out a lot of information that perhaps we shouldn't.”

Ultimately, elicitation techniques are tools, and they can either be used for good, when you’re out trying to get a deal on a used car, or by con artists for evil. Learning about them gives us a clear advantage as it helps us recognize when we're being manipulated so we don’t take the bait and say something we’ll regret.

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Redheads often require extra anesthesia and 9 other cool facts about our 'ginger' friends

They're truly special, genetically speaking.

Photo credit: Canva

Redheads really are unique, and not just in looks.

In case there was any question, redheads are special. That's not just an opinion about people with red hair or their appearance, but a statement of fact based on their scientific uniqueness.

Today, red hair is a fascination and frequently seen as a beautiful feature, but that was not always the case. Historical views of redheads have often been negative, with red hair being seen as indicative of bad character in some ancient cultures or a sign of practicing witchcraft in Christian Europe. Remember Anne of Green Gables being teased by both peers and adults alike for her red hair? Gingers have had a rough go of it in the past, but modern science gives us plenty of reasons to see them as as exceptionally cool for their genetic quirks.

red hair, redheads, gingers, red hair genetics, red hair mutation Redheads make up less than 2% of the population.Photo credit: Canva

Here are 10 things that make redheads truly special:

1. Red hair is the result of a specific genetic mutation

The primary cause of red hair is the mutated MC1R gene, and in order to have red hair, both of your parents have to carry it. The parents don't have to be full gingers themselves, but if both non-redhead parents carry the recessive gene, their child has a 25% chance of surprising the family with red hair. (Around four to five percent of the population carries the mutated gene.)

2. Redheads are much rarer than you might think

Advertisements have disproportionately featured redheads for decades, offering a skewed picture of how common the hair color is. A 2014 study found that 30% of primetime network television ads featured a redhead, which is a vast overrepresentation of a hair color that less than two percent of the population actually has. (Redheads are most commonly found in Scotland and Ireland.)

red hair, redheads, gingers, red hair genetics, red hair mutation Red hair and blue eyes is the least common hair-eye color combination.Photo credit: Canva

3. Redheads with blue eyes are the rarest combination

It's already uncommon to have red hair, but being a blue-eyed ginger is the rarest hair-eye color combination. The chance of having that combo is 0.17%, which is exceptionally rare.

4. Redheads are more likely to be left-handed

Recessive traits tend to come in pairs, making it statistically more likely for redheads to be left-handed, according to limited research.

5. Redheads may require extra anesthesia

There's apparently something about the mutated MC1R gene that makes redheads less reactive to certain kinds of anesthesia. Results of studies have not always been consistent, but there's enough research with similar results for doctors to take red hair into consideration.

red hair, redheads, gingers, red hair genetics, red hair mutation Redheads are often referred to as "gingers." Photo credit: Canva

6. Redheads may be more sensitive to pain

In a painful bit of irony, if a redhead doesn't get enough anesthesia, whatever pain they do feel might be felt more intensely than people without red hair. Some studies have found that gingers are more sensitive to certain kinds of pain. At the same time, some research shows they may have a higher pain tolerance overall, so who knows.

7. Redheads tend to feel hot and cold more intensely

Are we sensing a theme here? Redheads have some sensitivities, including sensitivities to temperature.

red hair, redheads, gingers, red hair genetics, red hair mutation Red hair can look thicker than other hair colors, even though redheads have fewer hair strands than people with other hair colors.Photo credit: Canva

8. Redheads have less hair but it often looks thicker

Redheads have around 90,000 strands of hair on their heads compared to 140,000 for brunettes. However, each strand is thicker than blond or brunette hair, which can make it look like they have more hair.

9. Redheads are more likely to get skin cancer and gynecological cancers

Considering the fact that most redheads have fair skin, the elevated skin cancer risk is not terribly surprising. However, redheads are have a higher than average likelihood of getting cervical, ovarian, and colorectal cancers.

red hair, redheads, gingers, red hair genetics, red hair mutation Redheads can be found in any race. Photo credit: Canva

10. Redheads can be found in any race

Though most commonly found among people of Northern European ancestry, people of any race or ethnicity can have naturally red hair. All it takes are the right recessive genes.

Our ginger friends truly are special in so many ways, and not just because their hair looks gorgeous in the sunlight. Here's to the redheads, in all their mutant genetic glory.

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