This queer teen made it through a terrible night — thanks to a text. Their story matters.
A couple years ago, Brendon Scholl was having a terrifying night.
They can't recall many of the details. "Most of it is just a big blur," says the now-17-year-old, who is transgender and non-binary, and uses they/them pronouns.
But they do remember crying hysterically, rattled by an inescapable sense of loneliness and an isolating anxiety that'd often accompany them to bed, when their friends were asleep and unreachable by text.
"I was in a really bad place," Scholl says. "I was kind of freaking out ... I was having a really hard time with [the idea that] people didn't want me around."
[rebelmouse-image 19346007 dam="1" original_size="589x617" caption="Brendon Scholl's aunt happens to be singer Jennifer Lopez, who bragged about Scholl's achievements on Instagram in July 2017. Photo via Jennifer Lopez/Instagram." expand=1]Brendon Scholl's aunt happens to be singer Jennifer Lopez, who bragged about Scholl's achievements on Instagram in July 2017. Photo via Jennifer Lopez/Instagram.
Scholl's scary night reflects a much larger issue at hand: a generation of young queer people whose mental health desperately needs to be addressed in serious, systemic ways.
According to a report published in May from the Human Rights Campaign and researchers at the University of Connecticut, an alarming 95% of LGBTQ teens said they, like Scholl, have trouble sleeping at night. 77% reported feeling depressed or "down" during the week. Only about one-fourth reported feeling safe in their schools, and a similarly sobering number claimed they could "definitely" be themselves at home.
Plenty of policy victories and improving media visibility have helped grow Americans' acceptance of LGBTQ people in recent decades.
So why do statistics like these remain staggeringly high among queer kids like Scholl?
"It's complex," answers Amit Paley, CEO of The Trevor Project — a suicide prevention and crisis intervention nonprofit for LGBTQ youth. "There are a lot of reasons that young people need help and are reaching out."
For starters, LGBTQ youth aren't insulated from America's larger, worsening suicide crisis, Paley says. Between 1999 and 2016, overall rates of suicide rose — and often dramatically — in almost every U.S. state, according to new data from the CDC. What's more, in its newly released "Youth Risk Behavior Survey," theCDC found 23% of high school students who identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual have attempted suicide.
That's four-times the rate of their straight peers.
Other research suggests the figure is even higher among transgender and non-binary teens, like Scholl.
[rebelmouse-image 19346008 dam="1" original_size="750x479" caption="Chart via the CDC." expand=1]Chart via the CDC.
Entrenched anti-LGBTQ attitudes in schools, churches, and homes continue compounding issues associated with mental illness among queer teens too.
In Scholl's case, it's easy to see how. "I remember very vividly my grandma calling me and being like, 'I'll give you a $100 if you go back to being a girl,'" they recall. "I didn't even know what to say, really."
Those attitudes have been around for awhile, sure. But now, LGBTQ kids have Trump to worry about too.
Call volume to The Trevor Project more than doubled the day after the 2016 presidential election, according to Paley. LGBTQ kids were terrified by the rhetoric they'd heard from Trump on the campaign trail.
Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images.
The flow of calls coming in has remained relatively high ever since too, thanks in part to a divisive 24/7 news cycle with bigotry on full display.
When the fight over LGBTQ rights has gotten heated in the headlines — like the day the president tweeted that transgender people would be banned from serving in the military, or when Texas debated whether to implement a transphobic bathroom bill — The Trevor Project noticed spikes in need from the kids they're aiming to protect.
"We know that words have consequences," Paley says. "We know that hateful policies have consequences."
Across the various crisis lines young people can use to contact the nonprofit —along with its 24/7 phone hotline, The Trevor Project also operates a text service and online chat platform — Paley says the organization estimates it will make contact with young people in crisis about 75,000 times this year alone.
That's an increase from last year, and one reason the group is focused on expanding services and programs for youth across the country.
At a time when we seem to be moving ahead on LGBTQ issues in many ways, the need to take care of young queer kids has never been greater.
"Our ultimate goal is to put ourselves out of business," Paley notes. But that seems unlikely in the short-term. So The Trevor Project aims high.
The nonprofit wanted to raise a record-breaking $2 million to further its mission through Trevor Live — the group's annual, star-studded fundraising gala — on June 11. It exceeded that ambitious target, but it's a bittersweet benchmark to pass, knowing why those funds are so needed.
Trevor Live was hosted by openly gay Olympians Gus Kenworthy and Adam Rippon. Photo by Craig Barritt/Getty Images for The Trevor Project.
There are still too many kids who, in a moment of crisis, desperately need Trevor to be one call, text, or online chat away. Kids just like Scholl — who decided to use the group's text service that awful night a couple years ago for help.
"They got back to me immediately and helped me feel a lot less alone," Scholl explains. "Even if I get that bad again, [I know] I'm not going to be completely alone."
Now, Scholl is out and proud — and refusing to stay silent.
They're out to their family. And their friends have been "super great" about respecting their pronouns and identity as a non-binary person.
At Trevor Live, Scholl bravely shared their story to a room full of celebrities and supporters. The speech was met with cheers and a standing ovation.
A vicious political climate and lack of mental health resources may mean kids like Scholl live in an especially hostile environment. But LGBTQ teens — who are coming out earlier in life and reshaping how we see and respect gender and sexuality — are also totally badass.
Scholl walks the Trevor Live red carpet. Photo by Craig Barritt/Getty Images for The Trevor Project.
Scholl, a high school junior, now has their sights set on another big hurdle drawing nearer: college admissions.
They're determined to find the right school with a welcoming environment for LGBTQ students, equipped with gender-neutral housing. That's not a terribly easy feat, to be sure — "I'm excited, but also stressed," Scholl admits of the process — but it's one worth working for.
It's another mountain they're determined to climb.
"I know it's like the most cliche thing to say ever, but it does get better," Scholl says. "It's like, when you're going up a hill: You're tired, it feels like it's going on forever, and you're never going to get to the top. But once you do, you look back, and you're like ... 'I made it that whole way.'"
Watch Scholl speak at Trevor Live below:
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12 non-threatening leadership strategies for women
We mustn't hurt a man's feelings.
Men and the feels.
Note: This an excerpt is from Sarah Cooper's book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings.
In this fast-paced business world, female leaders need to make sure they're not perceived as pushy, aggressive, or competent.
One way to do that is to alter your leadership style to account for the fragile male ego.
Should men accept powerful women and not feel threatened by them? Yes. Is that asking too much?
IS IT?
Sorry, I didn't mean to get aggressive there. Anyhoo, here are twelve non-threatening leadership strategies for women.
Encourage.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When setting a deadline, ask your coworker what he thinks of doing something, instead of just asking him to get it done. This makes him feel less like you're telling him what to do and more like you care about his opinions.
Sharing ideas.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When sharing your ideas, overconfidence is a killer. You don't want your male coworkers to think you're getting all uppity. Instead, downplay your ideas as just "thinking out loud," "throwing something out there," or sharing something "dumb," "random," or "crazy."
Email requests.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pepper your emails with exclamation marks and emojis so you don't come across as too clear or direct. Your lack of efficient communication will make you seem more approachable.
Idea sharing.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
If a male coworker steals your idea in a meeting, thank him for it. Give him kudos for how he explained your idea so clearly. And let's face it, no one might've ever heard it if he hadn't repeated it.
Sexism.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you hear a sexist comment, the awkward laugh is key. Practice your awkward laugh at home, with your friends and family, and in the mirror. Make sure you sound truly delighted even as your soul is dying inside.
Mansplain.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Men love explaining things. But when he's explaining something and you already know that, it might be tempting to say, "I already know that." Instead, have him explain it to you over and over again. It will make him feel useful and will give you some time to think about how to avoid him in the future.
Mistakes.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pointing out a mistake is always risky so it's important to always apologize for noticing the mistake and then make sure that no one thinks you're too sure about it. People will appreciate your "hey what do I know?!" sensibilities.
Promotions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Asking your manager for a promotion could make you seem power- hungry, opportunistic, and transparent. Instead, ask a male coworker to vouch for you. Have your coworker tell your manager you'd be great for the role even though you don't really want it. This will make you more likely to actually get that promotion.
Rude.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Sometimes not everyone is properly introduced at the start of a meeting. Don't take it personally even if it happens to you all the time, and certainly don't stop the meeting from moving forward to introduce yourself. Sending a quick note afterward is the best way to introduce yourself without seeming too self-important.
Interruptions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you get interrupted, you might be tempted to just continue talking or even ask if you can finish what you were saying. This is treacherous territory. Instead, simply stop talking. The path of least resistance is silence.
Collaboration.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When collaborating with a man, type using only one finger. Skill and speed are very off-putting.
Disagreements.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When all else fails, wear a mustache so everyone sees you as more man-like. This will cancel out any need to change your leadership style. In fact, you may even get a quick promotion!
In conclusion...
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Many women have discovered the secret power of non-threatening leadership. We call it a "secret power" because no one else actually knows about it. We keep our power hidden within ourselves so that it doesn't frighten and intimidate others. That's what makes us the true unsung heroes of the corporate world.
About the Author: Sarah Cooper
Sarah Cooper is a writer, comedian, and author of 100 Tricks to Appear Smart in Meetings. Her new book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings, is out now.
The comedic book cover.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
A satirical take on what it's like to be a woman in the workplace, Cooper draws from her experience as a former executive in the world of tech (she's a former Googler and Yahooer). You can get the book here.
This article was originally published on March 25, 2019.