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It's Just A Couple Of Curves In The Middle, Yet We All Can't Help Ourselves

Sara Benincasa wrote a little something about what we focused a lot on in 2014.

It's Just A Couple Of Curves In The Middle, Yet We All Can't Help Ourselves

The Year in Butts

By Sara Benincasa

2014 was a really big year for butts. This is a story about those butts.


Wow, was 2014 a crazy year for butts. Seems like every girl and her mother had a butt! There was that one girl with the butt that people said was fake, and in that one picture it kind of looked like a fake butt! But she said her butt wasn't fake, and she seems like a pretty trustworthy person, in that she is the type of individual to be honest about butts, so I'm pretty sure her butt is real. Although that doesn't answer the question of why her butt looks like two butts welded together in that one photo, but maybe it's just a mystery for the ages.

Then there was that other girl who tried to "twerk" and haha it was so funny that she did that in her music video because really, her "butt" is not very "big" at "all"! Can you believe it? I can't, believe it, I mean, that she would do that. Maybe she was joking but maybe also she was serious, who can say? Butts are a question and an answer all at once, sometimes.

Then there was the girl who put the thing on her butt and then they took a picture, and it was like, this is so crazy, her butt is so big and shiny, can it be real?!?!?!?!?!?! And some people said, "You are a mother, how can you do this?" because if you have had a baby you are not supposed to have a butt anymore, maybe, or maybe now the butt is just for pooping, which is what butts are intended for, I guess, if you are boring.

Anyway, at the end of the day, girls had butts in 2014 and it was so crazy! You cannot believe some of these butts that the girls had! Will they have butts in 2015? Probably! And these butts will be even bigger. These butts will rule the world, like girls do.

Maybe there will be One Butt To Rule Them All and it will be so big and so huge and we will crawl inside it and build a city, a City Upon (In) A Hill (Butt), and there will we live happily forevermore, enjoying prosperity and freedom and the riches foretold by our ancestors who watch over us today and lift us up into the shining light that is America, and we'll laugh with delight and we'll dance, finally, freely, as we were meant to dance, all of us, together, at last, the way it was meant to be, the way we were meant to be.

No men were known to have butts in 2014.

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via DanielandDavid2 / Instagram

Editor's Note: We used "black" in lowercase for our headline and the body of this story in accordance with emerging guidelines from the Associated Press and other trusted news outlets who are using uppercase "Black" in reference to American descendants of the diaspora of individuals forcibly brought from Africa as slaves. As part of our ongoing efforts to be transparent and communicate choices with our readership, we've included this note for clarity. The original story begins below.

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