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It's Just A Couple Of Curves In The Middle, Yet We All Can't Help Ourselves

Sara Benincasa wrote a little something about what we focused a lot on in 2014.

The Year in Butts

By Sara Benincasa

2014 was a really big year for butts. This is a story about those butts.


Wow, was 2014 a crazy year for butts. Seems like every girl and her mother had a butt! There was that one girl with the butt that people said was fake, and in that one picture it kind of looked like a fake butt! But she said her butt wasn't fake, and she seems like a pretty trustworthy person, in that she is the type of individual to be honest about butts, so I'm pretty sure her butt is real. Although that doesn't answer the question of why her butt looks like two butts welded together in that one photo, but maybe it's just a mystery for the ages.

Then there was that other girl who tried to "twerk" and haha it was so funny that she did that in her music video because really, her "butt" is not very "big" at "all"! Can you believe it? I can't, believe it, I mean, that she would do that. Maybe she was joking but maybe also she was serious, who can say? Butts are a question and an answer all at once, sometimes.

Then there was the girl who put the thing on her butt and then they took a picture, and it was like, this is so crazy, her butt is so big and shiny, can it be real?!?!?!?!?!?! And some people said, "You are a mother, how can you do this?" because if you have had a baby you are not supposed to have a butt anymore, maybe, or maybe now the butt is just for pooping, which is what butts are intended for, I guess, if you are boring.

Anyway, at the end of the day, girls had butts in 2014 and it was so crazy! You cannot believe some of these butts that the girls had! Will they have butts in 2015? Probably! And these butts will be even bigger. These butts will rule the world, like girls do.

Maybe there will be One Butt To Rule Them All and it will be so big and so huge and we will crawl inside it and build a city, a City Upon (In) A Hill (Butt), and there will we live happily forevermore, enjoying prosperity and freedom and the riches foretold by our ancestors who watch over us today and lift us up into the shining light that is America, and we'll laugh with delight and we'll dance, finally, freely, as we were meant to dance, all of us, together, at last, the way it was meant to be, the way we were meant to be.

No men were known to have butts in 2014.

Joy

Meet Eva, the hero dog who risked her life saving her owner from a mountain lion

Wilson had been walking down a path with Eva when a mountain lion suddenly appeared.

Photo by Didssph on Unsplash

A sweet face and fierce loyalty: Belgian Malinois defends owner.

The Belgian Malinois is a special breed of dog. It's highly intelligent, extremely athletic and needs a ton of interaction. While these attributes make the Belgian Malinois the perfect dog for police and military work, they can be a bit of a handful as a typical pet.

As Belgian Malinois owner Erin Wilson jokingly told NPR, they’re basically "a German shepherd on steroids or crack or cocaine.”

It was her Malinois Eva’s natural drive, however, that ended up saving Wilson’s life.

According to a news release from the California Department of Fish and Wildlife, Wilson had been walking down a path with Eva slightly ahead of her when a mountain lion suddenly appeared and swiped Wilson across the left shoulder. She quickly yelled Eva’s name and the dog’s instincts kicked in immediately. Eva rushed in to defend her owner.

It wasn’t long, though, before the mountain lion won the upper hand, much to Wilson’s horror.

She told TODAY, “They fought for a couple seconds, and then I heard her start crying. That’s when the cat latched on to her skull.”

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Jada Sayles/Twitter

Jada Sayles got both a newborn baby and her college degree.

You know what they say about the best laid plans? Well, it's true. And no one knows that better than Jada Sayles. On May 15, Sayles was all set to graduate from Dillard University, a historically Black university in New Orleans. Around 4:30 a.m., she realized that her plans were about to change in a big way. Instead of getting ready for her graduation, she was in labor and being admitted to the hospital.

"I thought I was gonna walk across the stage to get my degree, instead I got my baby," Sayles tweeted, along with a series of photos. "My sweet face decided to make his way on MY big day (now his). Shoutout to my university for still bringing my graduation and degree to me."

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Sandy Hook school shooting survivors are growing up and telling us what they've experienced.

This story originally appeared on 12.15.21


Imagine being 6 years old, sitting in your classroom in an idyllic small town, when you start hearing gunshots. Your teacher tries to sound calm, but you hear the fear in her voice as she tells you to go hide in your cubby. She says, "be quiet as a mouse," but the sobs of your classmates ring in your ears. In four minutes, you hear more than 150 gunshots.

You're in the first grade. You wholeheartedly believe in Santa Claus and magic. You're excited about losing your front teeth. Your parents still prescreen PG-rated films so they can prepare you for things that might be scary in them.

And yet here you are, living through a horror few can fathom.

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