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I spent my life trying to defy race and gender stereotypes. Here's why I stopped.

I remember how shocked my third-grade teacher was that I knew the word "hyperbole."

The day I used it perfectly in a sentence, her eyebrows raised so high I thought they would leap fully off her forehead into her frozen blonde bob. "Where in the world did you learn such an advanced word?" she asked. She looked at me strangely for the rest of the day.

Sure, it was a big word for an 8-year-old. But what she didn't know is that my father taught it to me that morning and told me to use it in a sentence in class just to see her reaction.


The middle-aged white woman had been not-so-kind to me, one of only two black children in the class, all year long — seating me in the back, not letting me read out loud to the class, never ever letting me answer the hard questions despite my hand always being first in the air.

Yes. That's me.

Unbeknownst to me, my parents had already filed a complaint and could only assume that despite the fact that I was a well-behaved and academically advanced child, her assumptions about my race led her to have very low expectations for me.

When I got in my father's car that afternoon, he asked if I had done as he instructed. I told him yes and described her incredulous reaction in detail.

And then he smiled. He was proud of me, and while I didn't understand why, I knew right then and there that somehow, by showing her that I was smarter — different than she previously assumed — I had done something good.

That was the day I became a Stereotype Defier.

You see, we Stereotype Defiers are everywhere. In fact, you yourself may be one. We move through our lives making choices (sometimes even subconsciously) about what we will do, say, be, or enjoy in order to confound others' expectations of us.

Sometimes the choices seem harmless: “Um, no. I don't want to be the woman with a pink glitter phone case in a business meeting full of men. I'll take the gray one please."

Sometimes those choices push us to do better and showcase our talents: “Oh, you think because I have a disability, I'm not smart? Well watch me ace this test and show off with the extra credit a bit."

But other times the choices are a bit more pernicious:

Like if you were the Asian kid who really, secretly did love math but pursued English in college because you just couldn't be that guy.

Or if you're a woman suffering a hurting, broken heart but buried your pain deep inside because you refused to be seen as sensitive or weak.

Or if you've ever offered to pay for people at a group dinner knowing that you barely had enough money to get by for the week because God forbid they know you're poor.

Or if you're a single mom but you volunteered for a senior position in the PTA that you know you don't have time for, but no one expects the single mom to be that involved so you overcompensate.

Or if you worked hard to get rid of your Southern accent because you know what people think about people who are "country."

No matter the scenario, we Stereotype Defiers try to convince ourselves that the negative stereotype we face is actually a motivator pushing us to be great — even as we narrowly define greatness as “the opposite of whatever they think."

Living your one wild and precious life within the confines of another person's limited opinion limits your freedom, your brilliance, and your joy.

We tell ourselves that we make these choices not just for ourselves, but for others. We worry (often nobly) about how those who come behind us will be perceived as a result of our actions today.

But the irony in that reasoning is perfectly explained by something that researchers call “stereotype threat." When people worry that their performance might be seen as confirmation of a negative stereotype about a group they belong to (race, gender, socioeconomic, or otherwise), that stress and self-doubt can end up significantly reducing their performance — ultimately creating the very outcome they were trying to avoid by defying the stereotype in the first place.

In other words, worrying about the opinions of others and how they might reflect on us causes us to do and be less than who we really are.

Still, we tell ourselves that we enjoy the thrill of the raised eyebrows, of proving “them" wrong.

But often, hiding behind the short-lived thrill of defying a stereotype lies the very dangerous fear of fulfilling the stereotype. And fear is the ultimate killing machine — RIP dreams, RIP authenticity, and, many times, RIP good old-fashioned fun.

So what is this thing that we've given so much power over us?

The word stereotype originates from the 18th century world of printing — it was a tool for the printing press that allowed printers to more easily reproduce text instead of having to place letters in order one by one; It was a single metal plate made from a mold of the original letters. In non-technical terms, a stereotype was a printing tool that made it easier to copy something because the work of actually reproducing the original was too painstaking, too hard.

A stereotype mold being made. Photo via Wikimedia Commons.

Now think about that in the context of modern stereotypes. A stereotype as we know it today is a collection of traits that we associate with specific groups of people that makes it easier for someone to categorize an individual person. Too often, this happens because the work of fully knowing the unique, complex individual person is too painstaking, too hard.

And when you follow that logic, why would we ever consciously make any choices guided not by our own instincts, desires, or intentions, but by our desire to reject a misconception that someone else created as a shortcut to accommodate their limited capacity to know us?

We deserve so much more.

In her famous TED Talk “The Danger of a Single Story," writer Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie says that stereotypes are not always inaccurate. They are just incomplete. Yet somehow, we have been tricked into thinking that we can never be what others presume about us, which, ultimately, robs us of our humanity.

Junot Díaz, another writer, calls stereotypes a sensual cultural weapon. But guess what? The only way we let the weapon harm us is by allowing its very existence to become an internal GPS, guiding us to go left, go right, slow down, take this route or that one when in fact the stereotype has no idea what your true destination is supposed to be.

Here is what I learned during my years of Stereotype Defier rehab: The most powerful challenge any of us who are routinely and unfairly stereotyped can give to the incomplete picture that exists in the world — and to the people who apply those stereotypes to us — does not come from breaking the mold and proving them wrong. It comes from our agency, our choices, and our wholeness.

Let me say it another way.

We defy the stereotype not by intentionally being something different, but by intentionally ignoring it in favor of being exactly whoever and whatever we want to be, exactly however and whenever we want to be it.

Even if that means embracing behaviors that others deem stereotypical.

Living your one wild and precious life within the confines of another person's limited opinion limits your freedom, your brilliance, and your joy. And that burden is far too heavy to carry. So why not just put it down?

Go ahead and cry.

Bring fried chicken and watermelon to the office party.

Have another baby and stay at home to raise her.

Go back for seconds and fill up that plate in a room full of skinny people.

Laugh loudly on the subway.

Shop at the thrift store.

Stick that WWJD bumper sticker on your car.

Retire your title of Stereotype Defier. And as much as you can, just be your authentically angry, emotional, country, flamboyant, occasionally late, beautiful self.

The original print of you is so much better than a stereotyped copy ever could be.

Wheel of Fortune/Youtube

That was quite impressive.

Listen, while we all love a hilarious Wheel of Fortune fail, watching an epic win can be just as entertaining. And that’s exactly what recently happened on The Wheel when a contestant named Traci Demus-Gamble made a winning puzzle solve so out-of-nowhere that it made host Ryan Seacrest jokingly check her for a hidden earpiece.

In a clip posted to the show’s YouTube account Friday, Jan. 17, Demus-Gamble waved to her husband who was standing on the sidelines before going up to the stage for her next challenge: guess a four-word “phrase.”

Demus-Gamble wasn’t off to a great start, as only two of her given letters (“T” and “E”) made it to the board. And the odds didn’t improve much after Demus-Gamble, admittedly “nervous,” gave the letters “M,” “C,” “D,” and “O” and only two of those letters showed up once on the board.

“Again, not too much more, but who knows, you’ve had a lot of good luck tonight,” Seacrest said. “Maybe it’ll strike you.”

Then, all in under ten seconds (more like in 1.5 seconds), Demus-Gamble correctly guessed, “They go way back” like it was nothing.

Watch the incredible moment below:

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

"How in the world did you solve that last one?" Seacrest asked.

"I just dug deep, I dug deep," Demus-Gamble said.

Yeah, you dug real deep," Seacrest replied. "Congratulations, great, great work."

“Now THAT was an amazing solve.”

“Wow! That was impressive!”

“I couldn't solve that one to save my life, but Demus-Gamble got it like it was nothing.”

“There's only one way to describe this to me: 😦”

At the end of the clip, Seacrest opened the envelope to reveal that Demus-Gamble’s puzzle solve won her $50,000, earning her a total win of $78,650. Certainly not chump change.

As for her winning strategy—Demus-Gamble assured no cheating was involved. “I just dug deep," she told Seacrest. We’ll say.

This article originally appeared in January

Service dogs deserve vacations, too.

Service dogs are professionals who are trained to be attentive, helpful and extremely well-behaved for their owners who rely on them for everyday living. They aren't easily distracted and have solid control over their impulses because their job performance is vital to humans who need them. No one wants a service dog going rogue.

But underneath all of that self-control and professionalism, service dogs are still dogs, as an adorable reunion on a Disney cruise ship makes delightfully clear.

Ashton McGrady is a content creator who shares her adventures with her Golden Retriever service dog, Forest, who has an affinity for Disney characters. In one video, she shows Forest choosing his own stuffy at a Disney gift shop, even putting the money on the counter to pay for it himself. But another video of Forest being reunited with his favorite character, Pluto, has people the world over feeling his joy vicariously.

Watch:

@radiantlygolden

proof that distance won’t keep the very best of friends apart ❤️🚢✨ we love you pluto!!! #servicedog #servicedogteam #disneytiktok #disneycruiseline #disneycruise #hostedbydisney

Ashton calls Forest her "best pal and lifesaver," and it's clear from her videos that they make a great team. People loved seeing the good doggo get to let loose and enjoy a romp with Pluto and how the cast member interacted with him as well.

"Those dogs are such good pups and work so hard to keep their owners safe, it’s nice to see them play for a bit ❤️"

"This is the most golden retriever golden I’ve ever seen 🥰🥰🥰"

"i just know the actor under the costume was having the best day ever."

"DID PLUTO WAG HIS OWN TAIL??? This is the best thing I’ve seen all day"

"It's like the Disney hug rule applies to dogs...but it's play with them until they are done."

The "Disney hug rule" referenced here is an apparently unofficial "rule" that DIsney cast members when dressed in character don't end a child's hug until the child let's go—basically letting the child hug the character as long as they want to. It's not an actual rule, but it's a thoughtful practice some cast members use to make sure their young guests don't leave a character meet disappointed.

For Forest, the equivalent is playing until he (or his owner—he's on the job, after all) decides he's done.

This isn't the first time Forest has had a touching reunion with Pluto. Ashton shared another video with a similar interaction—it's clear that Pluto truly is Forest's bestie.

@radiantlygolden

I just want to go back to this moment 🥹 if you’re friends with pluto and you see this, you made our entire day ♥️ #waltdisneyworld #wdw50 #epcotfestivalofthearts #festivalofthearts #epcot #charactermeetandgreet #disneytiktok #distok #servicedog #servicedogteam #servicedogsatdisney


Ashton also uses social media to educate people about service dogs, as there are a lot of misunderstandings out there about what service animals are, how they work, and where they are allowed to be.

Though service dogs and their owners will often naturally form a bond, a service dog is not a pet; it's a working animal that assists a person with disabilities or health conditions. In fact, service animals are considered medical equipment, in the same category as a wheelchair or an oxygen tank, and they are allowed to go anywhere the person they are serving would normally be allowed to go—even if other animals are not allowed. As the Americans with Disabilities Act website states: "Under the ADA, State and local governments, businesses, and nonprofit organizations that serve the public generally must allow service animals to accompany people with disabilities in all areas of the facility where the public is allowed to go."

Service dogs are sometimes confused with emotional support animals, but they are not the same thing. Service animals are trained to do specific tasks related to mitigating a person's disability, which could range from recognizing when their owner is needing medical attention to reminding them to take a medication to guiding them around an obstacle or across a street.

@radiantlygolden

If a business is not pet-friendly, they may only ask these TWO questions! note: “emotional support” is NOT considered a valid answer to question 2. thank you @Disney Parks for this great example of how it should be done. #servicedog #servicedoglife #servicedogteam #disabilitytiktok #disneyparks

There are some guidelines and laws that govern how the general public as well as private businesses should interact with service animals. First, no one should pet a service animal unless their handler specifically invites them to. Second, there are only two questions a business owner or their staff members are allowed to ask a person with a service dog: 1) Is the dog a service animal who is required because of a disability? And 2) What work or task has the dog been trained to perform? They are not allowed to ask for documentation, ask what disability the person has or ask that the dog demonstrate what they can do.

For people who need them, service animals like Forest are a vital part of living a full life. They are also working professionals who deserve a break now and then, so it's fun to see this good doggo having the time of his life with his buddy, Pluto.

You can follow Ashton on TikTok and YouTube.

This article originally appeared in January

Image via Canva

Elementary school teacher Alice Yates does hair for student who lost a parent.

Teachers play a much larger role than simply being educators. And elementary school teacher Alice Yates (@missaliceinteacherland) understands what it means to go above and beyond for her students, especially those in need.

In a new video shared on Instagram, Yates shared an emotional video about a student who recently lost a parent. After noticing she was coming to school with her hair unbrushed most days, she decided to step in with kindness and help take care of her by doing her hair everyday.

In the start of the video, Yates shows herself brushing out a little girl's hair as she tells her story in the captions. "A few months ago one of my student's parent died pretty suddenly...she was coming to school with her hair not even brushed most days," she writes. "I just wanted to help where I could. So I bought a cheap comb and hair ties so that I could at least do a basic pony for her to get her hair out of her face."


The small act of love did not go unnoticed. Her other students noticed Yates doing the student's hair, and wanted to get their hair done, too. "Then the other girls in the class started asking if I'd do their hair too. Now during breakfast, we have chitchats while we do hair! I wouldn't trade this time for anything. It has helped us all become so much closer.❤️"

She goes on to explain that she wasn't sure if parents would be okay with it, but was put at ease after getting a thankful message from one.

"I was a little nervous some parents might take it the wrong way that I'm doing their kids hair, but then I got this message: 'I just FaceTimed with [student's name] and saw her hair. It was adorable. Thank you for being extra sweet to my girl while I'm away. I don't even know what her hair looked like when she came in lol."

Yates offered more details as to why she treasures the personal interactions with her students. "I love being the teacher that I needed growing up...when I was a kid many of my teachers didn’t take the time to get to know us. They didn’t really show us love, tell us about their family, or even ask about ours," she writes. "They showed up, taught from a McGraw Hill Teacher Guide and went home. I think back on school and I hated it most years. I can count on one hand the teachers that I felt safe and happy with."

It was that experience that made her want to be a different teacher. "School filled me with so much anxiety and I think it’s a huge reason why I pour my heart and soul into teaching now," she writes. "I find so much comfort in looking into a parents eyes and telling them that I will take care of their baby, and they look back and me and know I mean it. ❤️"

Yates' emotional video got an incredibly supportive response from viewers. "And that’s a vocation right there & exactly the teacher our children need 💕," one wrote. Another shared, "This is beautiful bc when I was in 3rd grade my dad almost died in a motorcycle accident. Needless to say with no family nearby, most days I was barely dressed much less brushed. My teacher would bring barrettes to put up my hair and ill never forget the difference it made in my life ♡." And another viewer added, "They will never forget you and the time you took for them ❤️."

If you would like to contribute to Miss Alice's classroom, you can shop her Amazon Classroom Wishlist here.

Pets

London man finds a mysterious egg, incubates it, and launches a Pixar-worthy journey of love

When Riyadh found an abandoned egg, he had no idea that it would change his life.

Courtesy of Riyadh Khalaf/Instagram (used with permission)

When Riyadh found an egg, he had no idea how much it would change his life.

The story of Riyadh and Spike starts like the opening to a children's book: "One day, a man was walking along and spotted a lone egg where an egg should not have been…" And between that beginning and the story's mostly sweet ending is a beautiful journey of curiosity, care, and connection that has captivated people all over the world.

Irish author Riyadh Khalaf was out walking in Devon, England, when he came upon an egg. "We just found what we think is a duck egg," Riyadh says in a video showing the milky white egg sitting in a pile of dirt. "Just sitting here on its own. No nest. No other eggs."

Thinking there was no way it was going to survive on its own, Riyadh put the egg in a paper cup cushioned with a napkin and took it home to London, which entailed two car rides, a hotel stay, a train ride, a tube ride, and a bus ride. He said he used to breed chickens and pigeons, so he had some experience with birds. Knowing the egg could survive for a while in a dormant state, he ordered an incubator on Amazon, and the journey to see if the egg was viable began.


Even though it was "just an egg," Riyadh quickly became attached, and once it showed signs of life he took on the role of "duck dad." Every day, the egg showed a drastic change in development, and Riyadh's giddy joy at each new discovery—movement, a discernible eye, a beak outline—was palpable. He devoured information on ducks to learn as much as he could about the baby he was (hopefully) about to hatch and care for.

Finally, 28 days later, the shell of the egg began to crack. "I could see this very clear outline of the most gorgeous little round bill," Riyadh said—confirmation that it was, indeed, a duck as he had suspected. But duckling hatching is a process, and one they have to do it on their own. Ducklings instinctively know to turn the egg as it hatches so that the umbilical cord detaches, and the whole process can take up to 48 hours. Riyadh watched and monitored until he finally fell asleep, but at 4:51am, 29 hours after the egg had started to hatch, he awakened to the sound of tweets.

"There was just this little wet alien staring back at me," he said. "It was love at first sight."

Riyadh named his rescue duckling Spike. Once Spike was ready to leave the incubator, he moved into "Duckingham Palace," a setup with all of the things he would need to grow into a healthy, self-sufficient duck—including things that contribute to his mental health. (Apparently ducklings can die from poor mental health, which can happen when they don't have other ducks to interact with—who knew?)

"My son shall not only survive, but he shall thrive!" declared the proud papa.

Riyadh knew it would be impossible for Spike to not imprint on him somewhat, but he didn't want him to see him as his mother. Riyadh set up mirrors so that Spike could see another duckling (even though it was just himself) and used a surrogate stuffed duck to teach him how to do things like eat food with his beak. He used a duck whistle and hid his face from Spike while feeding him, and he played duck sounds on his computer to accustom Spike to the sounds of his species.

"It's just such a fulfilling process to watch a small being learn," said Riyadh.

As Spike grew, Riyadh took him to the park to get him accustomed to the outdoors and gave him opportunities to swim in a small bath. He learned to forage and do all the things a duck needs to do. Throughout, Riyadh made sure that Spike was getting the proper balanced nutrition he needed as well. Check this out:


After 89 days, the day finally came for Spike to leave Riyadh's care and be integrated into a community of his kind "to learn how to properly be a duck." A rehabilitation center welcomed him in and he joined a flock in an open-air facility where he would be able to choose whether to stay or to leave once he became accustomed to flying. Within a few weeks of being at the rehabilitation center, his signature mallard colors developed, marking his transition from adolescence. Spike has been thriving with his flock, and Riyadh was even able to share video of his first flight.

This is the where "And they all lived happily ever after" would be a fitting end to the story, but unfortunately, Spike and his fowl friends are living in trying times. The rehabilitation center was notified by the U.K. government in December of 2024 that the duck flock needed to be kept indoors for the time being to protect them from a bird flu outbreak and keep it from spreading.

Building an entire building for a flock of ducks is not a simple or cheap task, so Riyadh called on his community of "daunties" and "duncles" who had been following Spike's story to help with a fundraiser to build a "Duckingham Palace" for the whole flock. Riyadh's followers quickly raised over £11,000, which made a huge difference for the center's owners to be able to protect Spike and his friends.

All in all, Riyadh and Spike's story is a testament to what can happen when people genuinely care. If Riyadh had left that egg where it was, it may not have made it. If Spike hadn't survived and been moved to the rehab center, the ducks there would be in greater danger of the bird flu due to the costs of building an indoor shelter for them. Despite the ongoing bird flu threat, the story really does have a happy ending.

Thank to Riyadh for sharing Spike's journey with us. (You can follow Riyadh on Instagram here.)

This article originally appeared in January.

@bunchesofbeggs/TikTok

This Manager think PTO is for vacation, not "life changing events."

What does it take to be a good boss? You can answer this a bajillion different ways—being a clear communicator, earning employee trust, providing constructive feedback, and fostering a positive and supportive work environment while also being open to feedback and recognizing your team's contributions—but really, it all seems to stem from respecting your employees as fellow human beings.

And part of that means acknowledging that these employees have lives that are, frankly, more important to them than the job, and not penalizing them for it. One manager, and Gen Zer no less, seems to fully understand this basic principle, and folks are applauding her for it.

Elizabeth Beggs, who manages a five-person team for a packaging distribution company in Virginia, recently made a TikTok sharing which time-off requests she “rejects.”You’ll see why “rejects” is in quotes shortly.

One example: when a female rep notified Beggs that she was likely having a miscarriage. After the team member asked how she can file for time off to see to the issue, Beggs immediately responded, “Girl, go to the doctor! We’re not submitting time off for that!”

In Beggs’ mind, PTO is for “vacation,” not medical emergencies. What a concept.

@bunchesofbeggs Edited to clarify- 1. My team is all salary. 2. These examples are not all recent or from my current position. 3. My team works hard and hits thier KPIs above and beyond. Time off is meant to recharge and be used how you need it, not to handle life changing events #mangers #corporate #genzmanagers #sales #vetstocorporate #veterans ♬ original sound - Elizabeth


Beggs went on to explain a couple more situations, like when a parent who was “up all night” with a sick kid. And her last one wasn’t even negative—she had an employee who wanted to work a half-day to do something nice for their anniversary.

“Seriously, if any of these triggered anyone, then you need to evaluate how you run your team as a manager,” she concluded.

By and large, the response to Beggs’ management style has been overwhelmingly positive, and people seem to find it completely refreshing.

“You are not a manager, you’re a LEADER,” one person wrote.

@bunchesofbeggs Everything you do should be to better your team, not to make your life easier #leadership #ownership #corporatelife #veteran #military ♬ original sound - Elizabeth

Another said,“The better you treat your employees, the more loyal they will be and the better work they will put out. Most people do not understand how management works.”

A few noted how this attitude seems to be more present among younger leaders.

One person commented, "millennial manager here. My team members are human first, employees second. Like just go do what you want but get the work done too.”

Another joked that “Boomer managers could NEVER.”

Beggs would later clarify this doesn’t mean she doesn't have clear productivity expectations for her team (who work on salary). Perhaps if she had a team member not making their KPIs (key performance indicator), there would be an additional conversation surrounding time off, but there is still an inherent respect as a fellow human being. Which, to her, means treating bona fide time- off as a way to “recharge and be used how you need it, not to handle life changing events.”

@bunchesofbeggs If you’re planning does not account for people being human- it’s bad planning #genzleaders #armyvet #militaryvet #genz #corporatelife #corporate #manager #timeoff ♬ original sound - Elizabeth

Younger generations might get labeled “lazy” or “entitled,” but they are also the ones fighting to change the status quo, so that we all may be treated less like cogs in the machine, and more like actual human beings. Its leaders like Beggs who show that operating in new ways doesn't compromise productivity, and in fact enhances it. We might not be able to change the global standard overnight, but we certainly aren’t going to get to a better place without leaders who choose to serve their community rather than a bottom line.