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I'm teaching my 6- and 7-year-old boys about consent. Here's how it's gone so far.

parenting, consent, education, sexuality, community
Photo by saeed karimi on Unsplash

The scenarios of parenting have many hurdles in order to offer a healthy way of approaching life.

The second week of first grade, my 6-year-old son came home and told me, very seriously, "Mama, I have a girlfriend, and I love her."

I didn't laugh at him or tell him he is too young to have a girlfriend, and I didn't minimize his feelings. We had a very serious conversation about his girlfriend: what he likes about her, what they talk about at lunch, and what games they play on the playground at recess. I asked questions about her; some he knew the answers to, and some he didn't.

Nearly every day after that for some time, we talked about his girlfriend, and in every conversation, in some way, we talked about consent — what it means, what it looks like, and how I expect him to act.

I didn't objectify the little girl by referring to her as "your little girlfriend" as I've heard other adults tease their own children. I didn't make jokes about him being a heartbreaker or tell him that the girls will be falling all over him by high school. I didn't tell him his feelings don't matter — and I definitely didn't tell him her feelings don't matter. I think the seeds of misogyny are planted with words as much as behavior, and I treated his emotions seriously because, for him, being in love for the first time is the most serious thing in the world. He will remember this little girl just as I remember my first boyfriend, and how I handle things now is setting the tone for the future.

I wasn't expecting to have these conversations in the context of a relationship quite so soon.

His older brother is more introverted, with the exception of the occasional fleeting crush. But I have been talking about consent and modeling it since my sons were babies.

The idea that young men need to learn about consent in high school or college goes hand-in-hand with the idea that sex education shouldn't be taught before then, either. Consent is an ongoing conversation in our home, framed to suit the situation. But now that my son has a girlfriend, I'm finding ways to introduce the concept of consent within a relationship on a level that he can understand.

From the time my sons were very little — before they could even talk — I started teaching them about body autonomy and consent.

"Do you want me to tickle you?" "Can I pick you up?" "Do you want me to brush your hair?"

I would ask whenever I could, waiting for their response before proceeding. Yes, of course, there are times when a young child needs to be picked up or hair needs to be brushed whether they want it or not, but there are just as many times when children can be given — and deserve — the right to choose. And so I let them decide whenever I can.

Teaching them that no one can touch them without permission was the first step in teaching them about respecting the boundaries of others.

I model the respect I expect them to extend to others. It is an ongoing lesson, as the most important lessons always are.

Of course they fight — what siblings don't? But I teach them that, whatever the game or activity, if someone says "Stop!" or "No!" they are to stop what they are doing.

To that end, I try to stay out of their squabbles and give them time to sort them out. If they don't stop, there are consequences. We talk about how it feels to have someone keep chasing, tickling, or bothering you when you've told them to stop. I watch their empathy for others grow as they consider how it feels to be little and have grownups want to touch their faces or hug them without permission. They're learning, and it gives me hope.

But now I'm having daily conversations with my youngest son about girlfriends and what is — and isn't — OK.

He knows he has to ask if she wants a hug before he touches her. He knows that it's rude to refer to her as "my girlfriend" when talking about her and that it's better, and more respectful, to use her name.

He knows that if he gives her a gift, he should give her a chance to respond instead of inundating her with more gifts. "Let's wait and see how she feels about this lovely picture you made her before you draw another one," I tell him, explaining how overwhelming it can be to have someone give you gifts when you're not ready for them or haven't had a chance to return the affection. Of course, I'm thinking about the boy I knew my junior year of high school who would constantly leave me trinkets of his affection at my locker — affection that wasn't reciprocated and made me uncomfortable, especially after I asked him to stop.

I don't know if I'm doing this right, honestly.

There are times when I think to myself, "But he's only 6! Why are we even having this conversation?" And then I remind myself, "If not now, when?"

I know what it means to be a girl in this world, and my sons are starting to hear my #MeToo stories, the ones they're old enough to understand. How do I talk about what's wrong in the world if I'm not willing to talk about the right behaviors, the right way to treat women?

I know my sons have a good role model in their father and in our marriage. I know they watch how my husband interacts with me, and I see it reflected in how they treat me. It's a start, but I know it's not enough in a world that sends mixed messages to boys about girls and how to treat them.

It's been eye-opening, seeing how my children regard consent.

I've seen how those early lessons in teaching them about their own right to say no have gone a long way in teaching them the empathy and respect they show for others now.

I know we're not done; we're only just starting. I know it's only going to get more complicated as they get older.

But at the end of the day, no matter their age, the core lesson is the same: respect people, care about how they are feeling in your interactions with them, and remember that others have a right to feel differently than you do and to set boundaries for what is OK with them. The situations will change, but those words will be repeated again and again.

Teaching consent is not a one-time discussion. It's something I want my sons to think about every single day.

This story originally appeared on Ravishly and is reprinted here with permission. More from Ravishly:

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    Another school district just shifted to a 4-day week and parents are making themselves heard

    America already has fewer school days than most other countries.

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    Many school districts are moving to a 4-day week, but there are pros and cons to the approach.

    American kids have fewer school days than most other major countries as it is, which poses a big challenge for families with two working parents. In a system designed for the "classic" stay-at-home mom model, it's difficult for many modern families to cover childcare and fulfill their work obligations during the many, many holidays and extra days off American children receive in school.

    Some school districts, in fact, are ready to take things one step further with even fewer instructional days: for better or for worse.

    Whitney Independent School District in Texas recently made news when it decided to enact a four-day week heading into the 2025 school year. That makes it one of dozens of school districts in Texas to make the change and over 900 nationally.

    The thought of having the kids home from school EVERY Friday or Monday makes many parents break out in stress hives, but this four-day school week movement isn't designed to give parents a headache. It's meant to lure teachers back to work.

    Yes, teachers are leaving the profession in droves and young graduates don't seem eager to replace them. Why? For starters, the pay is bad—but that's just the beginning. Teachers are burnt out, undermined and criticized relentlessly, held hostage by standardized testing, and more. It can be a grueling, demoralizing, and thankless job. The love and passion they have for shaping the youth of tomorrow can only take you so far when you feel like you're constantly getting the short end of the stick.

    School districts want to pay their teachers more, in theory, but their hands are often tied. So, they're getting creative to recruit the next generation of teachers into their schools—starting with an extra day off for planning, catch-up, or family time every week.

    Teachers in four-day districts often love the new schedule. Kids love it (obviously). It's the parents who, as a whole, aren't super thrilled.

    - YouTube www.youtube.com

    So far, the data shows that the truncated schedule perk is working. In these districts, job applications for teachers are up, retirements are down, and teachers are reporting better mental well-being. That's great news!

    But these positive developments may be coming at the price of the working parents in the communities. Most early adopters of the four-day week have been rural communities with a high prevalence of stay-at-home parents. As the idea starts to take hold in other parts of the country, it's getting more pushback. Discussions on Reddit, Facebook, and other social media platforms are overrun with debate on how this is all going to shake up. Some parents, to be fair, like the idea! If they stay-at-home or have a lot of flexibility, they see it as an opportunity for more family time. But many are feeling anxious. Here's what's got those parents worried:

    The effect on students' achievement is still unclear.

    The execution of the four-day week varies from district to district. Some schools extend the length of each of the four days, making the total instructional time the same. That makes for a really long day, and some teachers say the students are tired and more unruly by the late afternoon. Some districts are just going with less instruction time overall, which has parents concerned that their kids might fall behind.

    A study of schools in Iowa that had reduced instructional days found that five-days-a-week students performed better, on average.

    Four-day school weeks put parents in a childcare bind.

    Having two working parents is becoming more common and necessary with the high cost of living. Of course—"school isn't daycare!" But it is the safe, reliable, and educational place we send our kids while we we work.

    Families with money and resources may be able to enroll their kids in more academics, extracurriculars, sports, or childcare, but a lot of normal families won't be able to afford that cost. Some schools running a four-day week offer a paid childcare option for the day off, but that's an added expense and for families with multiple kids in the school system, it's just not possible.

    kids, school, school days, school week, schedule, 4 day week In a 4-day model, kids often (but not always) receive less instructional time. Photo by Ivan Aleksic on Unsplash

    This will inevitably end with some kids getting way more screentime.

    With most parents still working five-day weeks, and the cost of extra activities or childcare too high, a lot of kids are going to end up sitting around on the couch with their iPad on those days off. Adding another several hours of it to a child's week seems less than ideal according to expert recommendations.

    Of course there are other options other than paid childcare and iPads. There are play dates, there's getting help from family and friends. All of these options are an enormous amount of work to arrange for parents who are already at capacity.

    Working four days is definitely a win for teachers that makes the job more appealing. But it doesn't address the systemic issues that are driving them to quit, retire early, or give up their dreams of teaching all together.

    @5th_with_ms.y

    Replying to @emory here are my thoughts on my 4day work week as a teacher✨ #foryou #fyp #fypシ #foryoupage #foryoupageofficiall #teachersoftiktokfyp #teachersoftiktok #teachertok #teachersbelike #teachertiktok #tik #tiktok #viralllllll #teachertoks #teaching #teacher #tok #viralvideo #teacherlife #viral #trendy #teacher #teaching #worklifebalance #worklife #publicschool #publiceducation #school #student

    A Commissioner of Education from Missouri calls truncated schedules a "band-aid solution with diminishing returns." Having an extra planning day won't stop teachers from getting scapegoated by politicians or held to impossible curriculum standards, it won't keep them from having to buy their own supplies or deal with ever-worsening student behavior.

    Some teachers and other experts have suggested having a modified five-day school week, where one of the days gets set aside as a teacher planning day while students are still on-site participating in clubs, music, art—you know, all the stuff that's been getting cut in recent years. Something like that could work in some places.

    In any case, the debate over a shortened school week is not going away any time soon. More districts across the country are doing their research in preparation for potentially making the switch.

    Many parents don't theoretically mind the idea of their busy kids having an extra day off to unwind, pursue hobbies, see friends, catch up on projects, or spend time as a family. They're also usually in favor of anything that takes pressure off of overworked teachers. But until we adopt a four-day work week as the standard, the four-day school week is always going to feel a little out of place.

    This article originally appeared in February. It has been updated.

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    Mom realizes she's been using the 'heavy' setting on her washer wrong for years—and fellow moms are shook

    "Today years old when I realize why my blankets are sopping wet."

    washer, washing machine setting, how to use washing machine, laundry, laundry tips
    Image courtesy of @granolabarpan/Instagram (with permission)

    Stay-at-home mom Catrina shares shock at learning what the 'heavy' setting on her washer means.

    Knocking out loads of laundry is a feeling of accomplishment that is unmatched. Depending on what needs to be washed, washing machines offer a variety of settings for the ideal clean. But even the most seasoned laundry pros can admit that they don't fully understand how to use them properly.

    One stay-at-home mom shared her funny and relatable washing machine mistake. Catrina (@granolabarpan) got the shock of a lifetime when she realized that she had been using the "heavy" setting on her washer wrong for years.

    "POV: today years old when it clicks why my blankets are sopping wet!!! I thought HEAVY meant heavy items being washed," she wrote in the video's overlay.

    "Heavy on my machine means heavily soiled," she went on to add in the comments. "I thought it meant the stuff I was putting in the machine was heavy in weight/pounds."

    Some moms are also realizing this for the first time. "Ok.. so I am 66 years old learning this???!! I always thought that heavy meant weight also😂," one person commented. Another person wrote, "Well I was today years old when I learned what heavy meant too…😂"

    Others expressed confusion with so many settings, and reminiscing on simpler times. "Wait a minute. 😂. I think I need to for once go and read the manual because I have been wondering about all of the options," another user wrote. And another chimed in, "I want my old $250 3 options hot/warm/cold on/off washer back. It didn’t die it rusted out but took 25yrs to do it. I had 5 kids, plus my ex in-laws living with me."

    Washing machine settings, explained

    Struggling to understand the settings on your washing machine? You're not alone.

    "Knowing these settings helps avoid common laundry mistakes, such as using the heavy cycle for heavy fabric weight instead of heavy soil, which can lead to ineffective cleaning or damage over time," Vanessa Ruiz, a professional organizer at Sparkly Maid San Antonio, tells Upworthy.

    These are five washing machine settings and how they work:

    1. Normal/Regular Cycle
    Ruiz explains that this is your typical setting for day-to-day loads such as t-shirts, jeans, sheets, and underwear.

    "These laundry loads are typically washed in warm water and the setting is rinsed with medium spin speeds through agitation in order to properly clean moderately soiled garments," she says. "This cycle is safe enough to wash a variety of different fabric content with a somewhat dirty load."

    2. Delicate/Gentle Cycle
    Ruiz notes that the delicate cycle is created specifically for delicate fabrics—lingerie, silk, lace, or embellished clothing—that may become damaged in a normal or regular wash.

    "This cycle will use moderate spin speeds through gentle agitation to thoroughly dry clean and not damage clothes too easily," says Ruiz. "This is the preferred cycle when laundry items that require extra care or are labeled 'delicate' or 'hand wash' need to be washed."

    3. Heavy Duty Cycle
    The heavy duty cycle is specifically for heavily soiled items like work clothes, kitchen towels, and bedding.

    "This setting uses higher water temperatures, longer wash times, and powerful agitation to remove stubborn dirt and grime. It’s perfect for those tough laundry jobs, but not recommended for delicate fabrics," explains Ruiz.

    - YouTube www.youtube.com

    4. Bulky/Bedding Cycle
    This cycle is often confused with "heavy."

    "This cycle accommodates larger, heavier items that absorb a lot of water, such as comforters, pillows, and sleeping bags," says Ruiz. "It uses more water, medium spin speeds, and longer wash times to thoroughly clean bulky items without causing damage or imbalance."

    5. Quick Wash
    In a rush? This is the perfect setting to use.

    "It is an accelerated wash cycle designed for small loads of lightly soiled clothes, usually lasting 15 to 40 minutes," says Ruiz. "It’s great for when you need clean clothes fast and can save energy compared to longer cycles."

    This article originally appeared last year.

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    Communication expert shares 2-step method for talking to people who never admit they're wrong

    Here's how to talk through the brick wall.

    couple fight, argument, upset woman, woman in sweatshirt, marriage
    via Canva/Photos

    A woman can't stand what she's hearing.

    Some folks in this world just have to be right. All the time. Even when you present them with every fact imaginable that proves they are wrong, they will resort to any rhetorical tactic they can to make it seem as though they are right. If that doesn't work, they turn to personal attacks.

    People like this can be infuriating to deal with because talking to them is like screaming at a wall. Fortunately, communication expert Jefferson Fisher recently shared a two-step method on TikTok for dealing with these impossible people.

    Fisher, who has become massively popular online, offers tips "to help people argue less and talk more."

    @art_for_feeling

    How to handle someone who is always right. 3 steps from @ Jefferson Fisher #power #insporation

    Here is Fisher's two-step process for dealing with people who will never admit they are wrong:

    Step 1. Diffuse the situation

    "Know that the harder we work to prove that they're wrong, the more convinced they are that they're right," he says. "So what you're gonna do is diffuse that by just saying something simple as well, 'maybe you're right,' or 'maybe so.' That diffuses the whole situation."

    Step 2. Open the conversation up

    Fisher says you can encourage the other person to explore your ideas by saying: "'It's helpful for me to know that you're at least considering my thoughts, even if you don't agree with me.' Now you've made a safe space to have a discussion that's not threatening their identity. That's how you talk to somebody who thinks they're always right. So try that."

    coffee, women having coffee, serious talk, women on couch, agreement Two woman having a heart-to-heart conversation. via Canva/Photos

    Why identity matters

    In his video, Fisher notes that people who won't admit when they are wrong have developed an identity based on always being correct. That's why, when they're confronted with the possibility that they may be incorrect, they will do anything to avoid admitting it.

    Research shows that when people feel their identity is being attacked, they perceive it as an affront to their authenticity and value as human beings. This can lead to a physical reaction known as the amygdala hijack, where people feel as if they are being physically threatened. That's a big reason some people get enraged when discussing politics or religion. If their views on these issues are closely tied to their identity and those views are challenged, it can invalidate their entire sense of self.

    angry, arms folded, angy man, won't listen, sneer A man who has dug in his heels. via Canva/Photos

    The 'backfire effect'

    Fisher explains that the harder we try to prove someone wrong, the more convinced they become they're right, due to a psychological phenomenon known as the "backfire effect." When people are shown facts that clearly contradict their views, they often cling to those beliefs even more strongly. That's because those beliefs are tied to emotion, not facts. When their views are challenged, it triggers defensiveness, and the brain works to protect their self-image rather than reconsider the belief.

    Getting through to stubborn people who always think they're right isn't easy, but Fisher's advice can help break through the wall they erect when their beliefs are challenged. It's good for you and the other person. When you're never wrong, you never learn from your mistakes, and that can quickly lead to problems far worse than admitting you were wrong.

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    Researchers found that scrolling while pooping dramatically raises your chance of getting hemorrhoids

    A good reason to be mindful of your time on the toilet.

    phone, toilet, hemorrhoids, smartphone, tiktok, social media, toilet health
    via Canva/Photos

    A man looking at his phone on the toilet.

    Have you ever been scrolling through social media on your phone and then suddenly wondered where all the time went? You glance at the clock and wonder, “OMG, did I really just spend 30 minutes mindlessly scrolling on this app?” Well, after a new report published in PLOS ONE, you’ll think twice about getting lost doomscrolling while sitting on the toilet.

    A team of researchers at Boston Medical Center found that people who scroll on their phones while pooping have a much higher chance of getting hemorrhoids. Hemorrhoids are swollen veins, akin to varicose veins, that are either internal or external. They can be painful, itchy, and sometimes bleed.

    Looking at your smartphone on the toilet could cause hemorrhoids

    “Smartphone use on the toilet was associated with a 46% increased risk of hemorrhoids,” the paper found after adjusting for sex, age, fiber intake, and exercise activity. To come to this grim conclusion, the researchers interviewed 125 patients at the medical center and asked them about their toilet habits, including whether they scrolled through their phone or not.

    phone, toilet, hemorrhoids, smartphone, tiktok, social media, toilet health A woman looking at her phone on the toilet.via Canva/Photos

    What the researchers found was that those who bring their phone into the bathroom spend more time on the toilet; therefore, increasing the likelihood of developing hemorrhoids. “Of all respondents, 83 (66%) used smartphones while on the toilet,” the study found. “Furthermore, smartphone users spent considerably more time on the toilet compared to non-smartphone users, with many spending more than five minutes on the toilet per visit.”

    Of those who looked at the phone on the toilet, 37.3% said that they sat on the throne for six to fifteen minutes. Non-phone users sat longer than six minutes only 7.1% of the time. "The likely explanation is that prolonged sitting increases pressure in the veins around the rectum, which can contribute to hemorrhoids," Dr. Ernesto Gonzaga, a gastroenterologist from the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania, told ABC News.

    “When you’re sitting on an open toilet bowl, you have no pelvic floor support,” Dr. Trisha Pasricha, the study’s senior author and a gastroenterologist at Massachusetts General Hospital, told CNN. The study said that 54% of people who use the phone while pooping are reading the news, and 44% said they were scrolling through social media.

    phone, toilet, hemorrhoids, smartphone, tiktok, social media, toilet health A man looking at his phone on the toilet.via Canva/Photos

    The study was conducted on people 45 and over

    The study was conducted on people aged 45 and older, a beneficial group to examine because some individuals in this age group don’t bring their phones to the bathroom. The study would have been much harder to conduct on younger people.

    “It was helpful to have this (45 and older) group because there were people who didn’t use their smartphones on the toilet. So we had a comparison group,” Dr. Trisha Pasricha, the study’s senior author, told CNN. “Having a third of people not bringing their smartphones to the bathroom helped us understand what a baseline could look like, especially as I imagine the situation is more profound for younger individuals.”

    If you’re afraid of developing hemorrhoids, the first step is to make sure that, if you take your phone with you to the bathroom, you stop scrolling when you’re done evacuating your bowels. You can also eat more high fiber foods, such as fruits and vegetables, and be sure to exhale while pushing and not strain. It’s also important to keep a healthy weight and to avoid sitting for too long, whether on a toilet or in your car. Hemorrhoids are a pain in the butt, and they’re not worth it, no matter how great the latest tea is on TikTok.

    This article originally appeared last year

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    Neuroscientist Andrew Huberman shares 'really weird' trick to fall asleep in five minutes

    There's an easy way to trick your brain into calming down.

    sleep, andrew huberman, sleep hacks, neuroscience, sleep tips, sleep advice, how to sleep
    via Jamesbrianbounds/Wikimedia Commons and Canva/Photos

    Andrew Huberman and a woman sleeping.

    There is nothing worse than lying in your bed, with your mind racing, and you can’t fall asleep. The longer you lie in bed, the more anxious you get about falling asleep, which makes it even harder to catch some ZZZs. You've tried clearing your mind, but can’t. You’ve tried counting sheep but reached 100. What do you do now?

    On a recent Real Time with Bill Maher, neuroscientist Andrew Huberman made an off-the-cuff remark about a sleep hack that he swears by, and it's based on brain research. Huberman is a Stanford University neuroscientist and tenured professor of neurobiology and ophthalmology. He's also the host of the popular podcast Huberman Lab, which focuses on health and science.

    How to fall asleep fast

    “In fact, if you wake up in the middle of the night and you're having trouble falling back asleep, try just doing some long, extended exhales. And get this, this sounds really weird, but it has a basis in physiology. Keep your eyes closed and just move your eyes from side to side behind your eyelids like this, back and forth,” Huberman told Maher as he moved his eyes from side to side as if he was surveying a vast landscape. “Do some long exhales. I can't promise, but I'm willing to wager like maybe one pinky, that within five minutes or so, you'll be back to sleep.”

    - YouTube youtu.be

    Andrew Huberman’s hack is based on neuroscience

    Huberman explained the exercise in greater detail on Mark Bell's Power Project podcast. In his appearance, he discussed the interesting connection between our eyes and their connection to the amygdala, an almond-shaped part of the brain that controls our emotional response. “Eye movements of that sort actually do suppress the amygdala [to] make people feel calmer, less fearful,” Huberman said. He adds that when we are on a walk, we move our eyes from side to side, to analyze the terrain ahead of us, and the amygdala calms down.

    - YouTube www.youtube.com

    “But for most people who are sighted, moving your eyes from side to side for 10 to 30 seconds is going to calm you down," Huberman said. "And this makes really good sense because, from an evolutionary perspective, an adaptive perspective, we've always been confronted with interpersonal threats and animal to human threats. Forward movement is the way that you suppress the fear response."

    Americans aren’t getting enough sleep

    Huberman’s video is important because many Americans need to get more sleep. A 2022 Gallup poll found that only 32% of Americans said they got “excellent” or “very good” sleep; 35% described their sleep as “good”; and 33% said their sleep was “fair” or “poor.”

    Sleep is essential to maintaining good health. Getting at least seven hours of sleep a night is great for your memory, focus, emotional regulation, appetite, muscle recovery, and tissue repair. It also reduces the risk of chronic conditions like heart disease and diabetes. It’s great that Huberman shares his hack, which few people would have come up with without a background in neuroscience, to improve their sleep. It’s also another exciting way to show just how interconnected the body is, from eyes to brain and beyond. Sweet dreams.

    This article originally appeared last year.

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