How practicing kindness could make your life so much better.
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Dignity Health

The first time most of us learned about the importance of being kind was back in preschool, so let's travel back there (in our minds).

Photo by Avel Chuklanov on Unsplash.

Perhaps it was while you were sitting on your nap mat watching an episode of "Mr. Rogers"? Or maybe it was after you decided to share the Lego set you were working on with a friend? The particular setting doesn't matter; what does matter is that you were developing the fundamental building blocks to make the world a better place. All it took was a little thoughtfulness.


And remember how great it made you feel when you were commended for helping another kid out? That sense of pride probably made your entire week. Even though you were just a little kid, you were making an impact. And it wasn't even hard.

So what happened?

You're certainly not an unkind person, but somewhere between nap time, graduating from college, and working on your career, you've probably spent a little less time reaching out and giving back. Even though you always mean to get into volunteering on the weekends, sometimes it's just hard to wake up before 10 after a long week.

But you should know, being kind isn't just about helping other people — it can also make you healthier, stronger, and even help you live longer.

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Your parents, teachers and yes, even Mr. Rogers weren't just encouraging you to be kind to make the world better — they were looking out for you, too.

Research has shown that teaching kids the power of kindness activates the joy centers of their brains, which decreases stress and helps them feel more connected to the world around them. Even more importantly, it fosters a sense of gratitude which allows kids to feel good about themselves and what they've done.

As an adult, you get just as many benefits. For instance, practicing kindness towards both yourself and others can lower blood pressure. It can also help you live a stronger, happier and longer life.

"Practicing kindness allows us to move into the present moment and connect with other humans, which reminds others, and ourselves, that we aren't alone," writes Lisa Olivera, an Oakland, CA-based psychotherapist, in an email.

"By practicing kindness, we create a more supportive, safe, and nourishing world around and within us. It benefits not only those we practice it towards, but also ourselves in so many ways."

And being kind isn't time-consuming. We can all fit it into our schedules.

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While you may think that giving back to the people around you requires a huge effort, kindness isn't a competition or a race. Try starting small — it could be something as simple as smiling to someone you see walking towards you. Even that makes a difference.

Or better yet, try saying 'hello' to people you meet, walk past, and interact with. "When we make genuine connections with fellow humans, no matter how brief, we leave a lasting impact," notes Olivera. "We also foster a sense of community and connectedness in our daily lives by intentionally interacting kindly with those around us, which benefits our overall well-being."

And what's even more impactful than talking? Listening. "Truly listening is one of the most kind things we can do for someone," continues Olivera. "Attention is one of the greatest forms of generosity, as Simone Weil so poignantly states. When we offer someone our attention and actively listen, we create a space for them to feel heard and seen, which is one of the most kind and healing acts we can possibly offer."

You can also take on a task that you know isn't pleasant for someone. Notice that a neighbor hasn't been able to get their trash out to the curb? Help them. Have a friend who might need a ride to the store? Offer them one. Someone in your family too tired or too stressed to do the dishes? Tag in and help out. While these task may be almost nothing to you, Olivera points out that even the tiniest gesture can be meaningful when you do it with kind intentions.

Be aware of how those around you are feeling, and respond accordingly. One of the best ways to give back is to look around you and notice others, and take an interest in their lives. Participate in their joys, lend an ear for their sorrows, ask your friends and neighbors how they're doing in a way that communicates that you're truly interested, not just asking to be polite. This, Olivera writes, offers both a chance for connection and allows others to feel seen.

Kindness may be easy to give, but turning it into a habit is a journey that starts with your well-being.

Photo by Hian Oliveira on Unsplash.

You have to work on being kind to make a meaningful change. But you can't be kind to others if you're not kind to you. So start by being gentle with yourself first. Being kind to you will make it easier to do the same for others.

"When we fill ourselves up with kindness and self-compassion, our lens of the world changes," writes Olivera. "We can more easily offer empathy and compassion to others."

"When we show up fully for ourselves, showing up for others becomes a natural and important part of living and being in the world."

Being kind is so simple, which is why kids often do it best. If we can all try to channel that altruistic impulse we had down pat as kids everyday, the impact we could make on the world would be extraordinary.

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When Sue Hoppin was in college, she met the man she was going to marry. "I was attending the University of Denver, and he was at the Air Force Academy," she says. "My dad had also attended the University of Denver and warned me not to date those flyboys from the Springs."

"He didn't say anything about marrying one of them," she says. And so began her life as a military spouse.

The life brings some real advantages, like opportunities to live abroad — her family got to live all around the US, Japan, and Germany — but it also comes with some downsides, like having to put your spouse's career over your own goals.

"Though we choose to marry someone in the military, we had career goals before we got married, and those didn't just disappear."

Career aspirations become more difficult to achieve, and progress comes with lots of starts and stops. After experiencing these unique challenges firsthand, Sue founded an organization to help other military spouses in similar situations.

Sue had gotten a degree in international relations because she wanted to pursue a career in diplomacy, but for fourteen years she wasn't able to make any headway — not until they moved back to the DC area. "Eighteen months later, many rejections later, it became apparent that this was going to be more challenging than I could ever imagine," she says.

Eighteen months is halfway through a typical assignment, and by then, most spouses are looking for their next assignment. "If I couldn't find a job in my own 'hometown' with multiple degrees and a great network, this didn't bode well for other military spouses," she says.

She's not wrong. Military spouses spend most of their lives moving with their partners, which means they're often far from family and other support networks. When they do find a job, they often make less than their civilian counterparts — and they're more likely to experience underemployment or unemployment. In fact, on some deployments, spouses are not even allowed to work.

Before the pandemic, military spouse unemployment was 22%. Since the pandemic, it's expected to rise to 35%.

Sue eventually found a job working at a military-focused nonprofit, and it helped her get the experience she needed to create her own dedicated military spouse program. She wrote a book and started saving up enough money to start the National Military Spouse Network (NMSN), which she founded in 2010 as the first organization of its kind.

"I founded the NMSN to help professional military spouses develop flexible careers they could perform from any location."

"Over the years, the program has expanded to include a free digital magazine, professional development events, drafting annual White Papers and organizing national and local advocacy to address the issues of most concern to the professional military spouse community," she says.

Not only was NMSN's mission important to Sue on a personal level she also saw it as part of something bigger than herself.

"Gone are the days when families can thrive on one salary. Like everyone else, most military families rely on two salaries to make ends meet. If a military spouse wants or needs to work, they should be able to," she says.

"When less than one percent of our population serves in the military," she continues, "we need to be able to not only recruit the best and the brightest but also retain them."

"We lose out as a nation when service members leave the force because their spouse is unable to find employment. We see it as a national security issue."

"The NMSN team has worked tirelessly to jumpstart the discussion and keep the challenges affecting military spouses top of mind. We have elevated the conversation to Congress and the White House," she continues. "I'm so proud of the fact that corporations, the government, and the general public are increasingly interested in the issues affecting military spouses and recognizing the employment roadblocks they unfairly have faced."

"We have collectively made other people care, and in doing so, we elevated the issues of military spouse unemployment to a national and global level," she adds. "In the process, we've also empowered military spouses to advocate for themselves and our community so that military spouse employment issues can continue to remain at the forefront."

Not only has NMSN become a sought-after leader in the military spouse employment space, but Sue has also seen the career she dreamed of materializing for herself. She was recently invited to participate in the public re-launch of Joining Forces, a White House initiative supporting military and veteran families, with First Lady Dr. Jill Biden.

She has also had two of her recommendations for practical solutions introduced into legislation just this year. She was the first in the Air Force community to show leadership the power of social media to reach both their airmen and their military families.

That is why Sue is one of Tory Burch's "Empowered Women" this year. The $5,000 donation will be going to The Madeira School, a school that Sue herself attended when she was in high school because, she says, "the lessons I learned there as a student pretty much set the tone for my personal and professional life. It's so meaningful to know that the donation will go towards making a Madeira education more accessible to those who may not otherwise be able to afford it and providing them with a life-changing opportunity."

Most military children will move one to three times during high school so having a continuous four-year experience at one high school can be an important gift. After traveling for much of her formative years, Sue attended Madeira and found herself "in an environment that fostered confidence and empowerment. As young women, we were expected to have a voice and advocate not just for ourselves, but for those around us."

To learn more about Tory Burch and Upworthy's Empowered Women program visit https://www.toryburch.com/empoweredwomen/. Nominate an inspiring woman in your community today!

Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash

This article originally appeared on 12.03.19


Madeleine Albright once said, "There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women." It turns out that might actually be a hell on Earth, because women just do better when they have other women to rely on, and there's research that backs it up.

A study published in the Harvard Business Review found that women who have a strong circle of friends are more likely to get executive positions with higher pay. "Women who were in the top quartile of centrality and had a female-dominated inner circle of 1-3 women landed leadership positions that were 2.5 times higher in authority and pay than those of their female peers lacking this combination," Brian Uzzi writes in the Harvard Business Review.

Part of the reason why women with strong women backing them up are more successful is because they can turn to their tribe for advice. Women have to face different challenges than men, such as unconscious bias, and being able to turn to other women who have had similar experiences can help you navigate a difficult situation. It's like having a road map for your goals.

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