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03.20.13
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There are times in parenting where you just feel kind of useless.
You can't carry the baby, take a late-night breastfeeding shift, or absorb any of the pain and discomfort of childbirth.
Sometimes the best you can do is to try to take care of your partner.
That's what brought user u/DietyBeta to the AskParents subreddit with a well-meaning question.
"My wife watches our 1yo, works, and is 12 week pregnant. How can I make her daily life easier while I'm away at work?"
He says that when he gets home from work, he takes over all parenting and homemaking duties.
But yeesh! That's still... a lot to handle. No wonder his wife is stressed out.
A few folks chimed in to pat the OP on the back. After all, it's great to see a dad who realizes how much is falling on mom's shoulders and actively looking for ways to lighten the load!
Some helpful suggestions rolled in, like taking over meal prep and making her easy lunches to heat up, hiring cleaners, or paying someone to walk the dogs.
Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash
But then even more people came in to the comments asking the same question over and over: If mom is working, why isn't the 1-year-old in daycare?
u/young-mommy wrote: "Is the one year old in daycare? If not, I would start there. Working from home with a child gets harder and harder as they enter toddlerhood"
u/min2themax said: "It’s nice of you to be asking how to help her but she really is getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop here. It sounds like she is literally always working or parenting. Sometimes both at the same time. Walking the dogs and making her lunches and prepping meals and doing laundry is all well and good but this is not at all sustainable."
u/alternative-box3260 said: "Have the one year old in daycare. I was in a similar situation and it’s impossible. I was able to breath after that, not before."
And u/sillychihuahua26 wrote: "She’s caring for your 1.year old while working? That’s a horrible plan. You guys need childcare like yesterday."
We have a legitimate childcare crisis in our country, and stories like this one really bring it to life.
Childcare in the United States isn't nearly accessible or affordable enough for most families. Period.
ChildCare Aware found that that average cost of childcare in 2022 was $10,853 per year, or roughly 10% of a median family income (in 2024, it's likely even more than that — yet the actual workers at childcare centers are somehow severely underpaid).
But even that eye-popping number is conservative. Anyone who lives anywhere close to a city (or in California or New York) knows the number will be way higher. It's just not feasible for most families to put their child, let alone multiple children, in full-time care while they're young.
And yet! The percentage of households with two parents working full-time has been rising for decades. Life is more expensive than ever, and the extra income from two working parents really helps, even if it's offset by those child care costs.
More and more families are trying to scrape by — by trying to do it all
Photo by Keren Fedida on Unsplash
Now we don't know whether the OP's family can afford childcare for their 1-year-old or not, although in a later update to the post he wrote:
"As far as daycare, she doesn't want to because she feels like she would be missing out on the time"
So even if you can afford childcare, there's the still the crushing guilt of shipping your child off to be raised by strangers to deal with! Classic.
(Take one guess who shoulders most of the daycare guilt — dads or moms?)
The work-from-home revolution has been a Godsend for parents in certain ways — flexibility, balance, less commuting time — but its also saddled many of them with double duty.
'Hey how about you work full-time because we need the money AND keep an eye on the kids, since you're home anyway!'
But it doesn't work like that, and trying to do both is crushing modern parents.
In fact, the Surgeon General of the United States just put out an official advisory based on the plummeting mental state of today's parents.
We know parents are having a hard time and that it's getting picked up in the national conversation. But hearing about a mom working full-time with a 1-year-old on her hip while pregnant, and a dad stuck working out of the house who's at a total loss for how to make things better really paints a pretty bleak picture.
No one should have to work full-time and parent full-time, at the same time.
A fridge full of microwavable lunches and a fleet of dog walkers isn't going to make it any better until things start changing from the very top.
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Unique baby names are definitely trendy. But it can backfire.
There’s a fine line between a unique name and one that sets kids up for a lifetime of ridicule.
On the one hand, maybe it shouldn’t matter what other people think, and parents should pick a name that suits their preferences, consequences be damned. On the other hand, their kid might not appreciate that kind of bravery after enduring years of bullying during childhood, followed constant confusion at Starbucks and truly unenviable work emails once they’re adults.
And this chapter of parenting can be a little stressful—even more stressful if neither partner can agree on a name they both like.
This was the case for a husband who absolutely hated a name his wife so eagerly wished to give their unborn son. But rather than follow the popular “one no, two yeses” rule of baby-naming, where both parents must agree on the name chosen for a child, the wife instead went full steam ahead with her idea.
According to the husband’s account on Reddit, here’s what happened:
“Me (25m) and my wife (23f) are having our first child together. She is currently 9 months pregnant and could give birth anytime in the next couple of weeks. The only major fight we have had throughout her pregnancy happened a couple days ago, and it was about what we were going to name our kid.”
AITA for refusing to let my wife name our kid something stupid?
byu/Public-Praline-3691 inAmItheAsshole
“It all started when we found out the gender of the baby,” he continued. “After we found out we were having a boy we sat down together and made a list. Almost all of the names she suggested were normal, until the one that caused me to write this post. She suggested we name our son Mune.”
Mune. Like…dune an “m?” Or like “mun?” “Moon?” “Money?” “Mew-nay?” So many questions.
“She told me the name was from this movie she watched when she was younger and that it always stuck with her,” the husband explained, saying that when he told her it felt a “little out there” and was worried their son might get made fun of.
After a little back and forth, the couple agreed to take the name Mune off the list. Or so the dad-to-be thought.
“Later on in her pregnancy her mom decided to throw a baby shower as it was her first grandchild. It was fine for the most part until we started to open the gifts. Most of them were normal baby things like diapers and bottles, until we got to her mom’s gift. My wife opened the gift bag and pulled out a blue handmade blanket. It seemed normal enough at first until my wife unfolded it and low and behold there was the name Mune written on the blanket,” he wrote.
The man had tried to keep cool until after the party was over. However, when he confronted his wife about it, all hell seemed to break loose.
“She got defensive and told me that it was a good name and that I was overreacting about it,” he concluded. “I brought up the earlier points and told her it was a stupid name for a kid and if she wanted to name something Mune so bad she could use the name for a dog. She got upset and called her mom to come get her. After she left she called me and told me she wouldn’t be coming back for a while. Everyone I’ve talked to about this has said I’m not the asshole, but now that my wife has been gone and I've been thinking about it I feel like I could have handled the situation better.”
Yikes.
Parenting is nothing is full of compromises
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While the husband might have regretted his actions, public opinion overwhelmingly sided with him.
One mom wrote, “Naming a baby is a 2 yes or 1 no situation. You do not name a child something your partner does not agree with. You find a compromise. This is the start of many necessary compromises in life and it is a total AH move to unilaterally decide on a child's name despite your partner's misgivings…She is absolutely not mature enough for motherhood if she can not find a reasonable compromise on this.”
Another added “this is a child, not a goldfish. There are consequences and repercussions to choosing a name that is very unusual to begin with.... To go behind the other parent's back and tell a grandparent what the name is going to be, that is unacceptable.”
Others noted how the wife and her mom “pulled a power play,” which “in itself is an a**hole move.” In addition, many pointed out that running away from the conflict (leaving to go to mom’s house) might have not been the best way to handle the situation.
“Leaving so she doesn’t have to face the argument is actually a form of abuse if it happens a lot,” one person commented. “She may just have baby brain and be overreacting due to hormones, but that is red flag behavior of it can’t be dismissed for reasons beyond her control.
What's ina name? A lot, apparently.
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And if there’s any doubt as to just how damaging "weird" names can be, take it from this person:
“My name has prevented me from doing anything that would have my name called out in a crowd of people. Never tried sports. Military was a no go. I don't even want to apply for higher positions at work because I don't want to have meetings in closed rooms where people might call my name.
“…Being forced to grow up with a weird name discouraged me from a lot of things and I began resenting my parents for thinking they were being creative. I had to live with it through grade school and high school. The ridicule didn't end until the damage was already done.”
Raising a kid together is full of making compromises, prioritizing healthy communication, and honoring commitments, none of which are easy 100 percent of the time. But if couples can’t learn how to navigate these issues, then disagreeing on names is the least of their problems. We can all agree that parenting as true partners means men often need to step up their games. But it takes two for parenting to truly flourish and that includes respect your partner and making choices that are good for the entire family. Together.
This article originally appeared on 10.19.23