Kimberly Shappley didn't vote for Barack Obama, but she recalls the exact moment she became grateful for him.
A lifelong conservative Republican, Shappley found herself sobbing with joy when then-Attorney General Loretta Lynch told transgender Americans, "We see you" and "We stand with you" a few days before the White House issued guidelines requiring schools to treat students' gender identity as their sex.
Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images.
"I sobbed with relief, and in my mind, I thought our fight just got shortened and it was going to be easier," Shappley says.
Shappley's daughter Kai started telling her mom that she was a girl at age 3. At first, they tried to discourage her, hiding "girl toys" and even punishing her for insisting, but after meetings with a series of psychologists and psychiatrists, the Texas nursing student and devout evangelical Christian began to accept she had a daughter.
Shappley was always skeptical of the Trump administration's claims that it would support LGBTQ rights, given Mike Pence's record of supporting measures limiting them.
That didn't make the Justice and Education departments' Feb. 22, 2017, announcement rescinding the Obama-era guidelines any easier to stomach, particularly the notion that protections for trans students should be a "states' rights" issue.
“He just threw my kid under the bus, so to speak," she says. "He just said it’s OK for people to discriminate against her because of where we live. It’s still the United States. I shouldn’t have to decide which town or state is safe enough or welcoming enough or kind enough to let us live there."
It was a crushing blow after losing her family and almost all of her friends when her daughter came out.
Living in a conservative Houston suburb, many of her neighbors still have trouble accepting her daughter is a girl who belongs in the girls' bathroom.
Kai Shappley. Photo by Kimberly Shappley/Facebook.
Still, after months of agonizing, Shappley made the decision to continue to attend her church, where she says she and Kai still get dirty looks. Nevertheless, she believes it's important to continue to engage her community, even if that means changing one mind at a time.
"They still have to see me and they still have to see my daughter, and they still have to see that we love the Lord, that we still study our Bible, that we still pray, that we’re still good people," she says. "And I think that a lot of times the best advocacy is just being there, being present, being seen, and not hiding."
Through online support and advocacy groups, Shappley keeps in close touch with thousands of moms of transgender youth who identify as Christian. She says helping Kai navigate the world has enriched her faith.
Kimberly and Kai. Photo by Kimberly Shappley/Facebook.
"One of the things that I realized for me is that the Bible helps me be a better person," she says. "The Bible doesn’t help me tell other people how to be a better person, and that’s not what it was given to us for. It’s not a weapon for us to hurt other people, or tell them what they’re supposed to do or not do. It’s there so that we read it and we change."
Shappley doesn't expect Trump to come around to her way of thinking, though she hopes he heeds his own advice from the campaign trail.
"He said it didn’t matter to him which bathroom Caitlyn Jenner used at Trump Tower. If that is really true, and that is at the core of what he believes, then he should tell people that: 'This is right, and this is wrong. This is what I see.'"
In the bathroom debate, she sees parallels to the civil rights movement, where public safety concerns were used to mask a broader bigotry.
Winning with opponents in the White House, she believes, will mean fighting in every school district in every town across America.
Photo by Kimberly Shappley/Facebook.
"Call your school board members. Call your superintendent," she advises. "Call them, call them, call them. These are people that are elected, so just continuing to call them and let them hear. Whether they agree or not isn’t even the point. So I would encourage everyone who votes, especially, to call the school board members where you live. Call your superintendent that you elected."
Fighting on Kai's behalf and encouraging others to do so, she explains, is her duty a parent and a Christian.
"Is it challenging? Yes. Is it discouraging? Yes. But I can’t just stop because right now my child is 6 and I’m fighting for her now so that when she’s 13 or 20 or 50 or 75 years old that hopefully I’ve done enough, I’ve been loud enough, I’ve been vocal enough that there’s been change. Because as her mom, I won’t always be there for her."
For Shappley herself, that means continuing to show up.
Kimberly (rear center), Kai (front center), and family. Photo by Eric Edward Schell.
"We want people to see that we’re just people. We’re a family. We’re crazy, and our house is sometimes messy. It’s crazy to think that we have to show people that we’re human."
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12 non-threatening leadership strategies for women
We mustn't hurt a man's feelings.
Men and the feels.
Note: This an excerpt is from Sarah Cooper's book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings.
In this fast-paced business world, female leaders need to make sure they're not perceived as pushy, aggressive, or competent.
One way to do that is to alter your leadership style to account for the fragile male ego.
Should men accept powerful women and not feel threatened by them? Yes. Is that asking too much?
IS IT?
Sorry, I didn't mean to get aggressive there. Anyhoo, here are twelve non-threatening leadership strategies for women.
Encourage.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When setting a deadline, ask your coworker what he thinks of doing something, instead of just asking him to get it done. This makes him feel less like you're telling him what to do and more like you care about his opinions.
Sharing ideas.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When sharing your ideas, overconfidence is a killer. You don't want your male coworkers to think you're getting all uppity. Instead, downplay your ideas as just "thinking out loud," "throwing something out there," or sharing something "dumb," "random," or "crazy."
Email requests.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pepper your emails with exclamation marks and emojis so you don't come across as too clear or direct. Your lack of efficient communication will make you seem more approachable.
Idea sharing.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
If a male coworker steals your idea in a meeting, thank him for it. Give him kudos for how he explained your idea so clearly. And let's face it, no one might've ever heard it if he hadn't repeated it.
Sexism.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you hear a sexist comment, the awkward laugh is key. Practice your awkward laugh at home, with your friends and family, and in the mirror. Make sure you sound truly delighted even as your soul is dying inside.
Mansplain.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Men love explaining things. But when he's explaining something and you already know that, it might be tempting to say, "I already know that." Instead, have him explain it to you over and over again. It will make him feel useful and will give you some time to think about how to avoid him in the future.
Mistakes.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pointing out a mistake is always risky so it's important to always apologize for noticing the mistake and then make sure that no one thinks you're too sure about it. People will appreciate your "hey what do I know?!" sensibilities.
Promotions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Asking your manager for a promotion could make you seem power- hungry, opportunistic, and transparent. Instead, ask a male coworker to vouch for you. Have your coworker tell your manager you'd be great for the role even though you don't really want it. This will make you more likely to actually get that promotion.
Rude.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Sometimes not everyone is properly introduced at the start of a meeting. Don't take it personally even if it happens to you all the time, and certainly don't stop the meeting from moving forward to introduce yourself. Sending a quick note afterward is the best way to introduce yourself without seeming too self-important.
Interruptions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you get interrupted, you might be tempted to just continue talking or even ask if you can finish what you were saying. This is treacherous territory. Instead, simply stop talking. The path of least resistance is silence.
Collaboration.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When collaborating with a man, type using only one finger. Skill and speed are very off-putting.
Disagreements.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When all else fails, wear a mustache so everyone sees you as more man-like. This will cancel out any need to change your leadership style. In fact, you may even get a quick promotion!
In conclusion...
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Many women have discovered the secret power of non-threatening leadership. We call it a "secret power" because no one else actually knows about it. We keep our power hidden within ourselves so that it doesn't frighten and intimidate others. That's what makes us the true unsung heroes of the corporate world.
About the Author: Sarah Cooper
Sarah Cooper is a writer, comedian, and author of 100 Tricks to Appear Smart in Meetings. Her new book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings, is out now.
The comedic book cover.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
A satirical take on what it's like to be a woman in the workplace, Cooper draws from her experience as a former executive in the world of tech (she's a former Googler and Yahooer). You can get the book here.
This article was originally published on March 25, 2019.