4 simple ways to be a good friend ... to yourself. Take a step back and try 'em. They work.

Imagine your best friend has a bad day...

Quite the memorable modeling debut! GIF from "Good Morning America."


...like, a really humiliating moment.

What would you do? Well, you probably wouldn't kick a woman when she's down.

You'd comfort her and remind her that one crappy moment is not a reflection of her worth as a human being. You'd give her good, compassionate advice.

But what if you were the one who'd had a bad moment? What kind of advice would you give yourself?

If you're like me (and many other people), you probably have a double standard when it comes to giving yourself compassionate counsel.

But imagine if we all were as kind to ourselves as we are to our friends.

There's a term for this approach: "self-compassion." It was spearheaded by Dr. Kristin Neff, an associate professor in human development at the University of Texas at Austin.

We should be able to be that comforting friend even to ourselves. Image by ErikaWittlieb/Pixabay.

Self-compassion focuses on three things: mindfulness, self-kindness, and common humanity.

Here are some ways to practice self-compassion:

1. In difficult moments, take a step back and treat yourself the way you would treat a friend in a similar situation.

Give yourself some quality BFF-type love! Photo by brianschulman/Flickr.

Unfortunately, bad things happening is part of being human. The next time you're feeling inadequate, try to think about how imperfections are what make us all human. Helping a friend through a hard time can be a great bonding moment. Practicing self-compassion can be a great way to feel more connected to everyone.

2. Tell yourself a compassionate phrase or two.


Maybe this isn't a compassionate phrase, but think about it: Would Kanye be mean to himself? GIF from "Kobe System Commercial!"

These phrases can be really powerful tools in practicing mindfulness, which is all about staying in the moment, acknowledging the pain, and working through it.

Here are a few to try:

  • This is a moment of suffering.
  • Suffering is part of life.
  • May I be kind to myself in this moment?
  • May I give myself the compassion I need?

3. Don't be afraid to give yourself a hug.

Photo by Jellaluna/Flickr.

Kind physical gestures like putting a hand over your heart or giving yourself a hug have an immediate effect on our bodies. The physical act can also help break us out of the cycle of negative thoughts.

Tip: For an extra niceness whammy, combine a kind gesture with your chosen compassionate phrase.

4. Try some meditation.

Photo by Nicolas Asfouri/AFP/Getty Images.

When it comes to self-compassion, meditation can be really helpful for retraining our brains to turn to compassionate thoughts in times of pain. There are also additional benefits to meditation, like having less anxiety, an improved ability to focus, and a better memory. Dr. Neff has some great guided meditation exercises on her site (that I may or may not have already downloaded to my phone and used today...).

Never really been into the whole "love yourself" thing? That's cool. Just try being nice to yourself.

We're often told that high self-esteem is the key to a successful life, whether it's in the realms of academics, socializing, dating, or career. Dr. Neff challenges that and says it's self-compassion — simply treating ourselves nicely — that we should all be aiming for.

That sounds reasonable enough.

Want to learn more? Check out Dr. Neff's TEDx talk: "The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion."


Photo courtesy of Capital One
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Growing up in Virginia, Dominique Meeks Gombe idolized her family physician — a young Black woman who inspired Meeks Gombe to pursue her passion for chemistry.

While Meeks Gombe began her career working in an environmental chemistry lab, after observing multiple inefficient processes in and around the lab, she took the initiative to teach herself to code in order to automate and streamline those issues.

That sparked her love for coding and imminent career shift. Now a software engineer at Capital One, Meeks Gombe wants to be a similar role model to her childhood mentor and encourage girls to pursue any career they desire.

"I'm so passionate about technology because that's where the world is going," Meeks Gombe said. "All of today's problems will be solved using technology. So it's very important for me, as a Black woman, to be at the proverbial table with my unique perspective."

Since 2019, she and her fellow Capital One associates have partnered with the Capital One Coders program and Girls For A Change to teach coding fundamentals to middle school girls.

The nonprofit's mission is aimed at empowering Black girls in Central Virginia. The organization focuses on designing, leading, funding and implementing social change projects that tackle issues girls face in their own neighborhoods.

Girls For a Change is one of many local nonprofits that receive support from the Capital One Impact Initiative, which strives to close gaps in equity while helping people gain better access to economic and social opportunities. The initial $200 million, five-year national commitment aims to support growth in underserved communities as well as advance socioeconomic mobility.

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This article originally appeared on 06.16.15


A lot of parents are tired of being told how technology is screwing up their kids.

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